http://www.somethingawful.com/d/dungeons-and-dragons/random-encounter-dnd.php

Output sample:

QuoteWhile passing through a wooded area pudding falls onto the party. It is not a pudding creature, it is pudding, beans, gelatin, and various other messy foods being dumped on them by kobolds. The food makes the party very messy. The kobolds do not otherwise attack, but watch with intense interest from the trees. If the players do not remove the messy food in d10 minutes they will attract giant ants.

My turn!

QuoteThe players are knocked over by a downed ley line. The exposure to wild magic gives everyone an extra gland. Have each player roll percentile and consult the Glands Tables in DM's Guide III to determine the gland. If they roll 00 allow them to have the triple prostate in the Legendary Glands section.

Here's a random gland table for you fuckers! None of that triple prostate shit though, this one's much better.

Roll 1d100. All changes permanent until a very powerful healing spell (restoration, heal, etc.) is cast on the affected character.

01-20 new sebaceous gland, organ of Zuckerkandl, or other obscure microscopic gland. No noticeable effect.

21-35 new adrenal gland, always inside the abdomen. Increased adrenaline production during stress (adrenal surge) allows the character to enter a state of heightened agression identical to a berserker's once per day; however, increased cortisol output decreases bone and muscle mass, facilitates obesity and diabetes and weakens the immune system: -1 STR, -1 DEX and -1 CON

36-50 new pancreas. Character is +2 to save vs. food-borne poisons and can subsist on normally inedible organic matter (e.g. leather, paper) thanks to enhanced digestive enzymes. There is a 1 in 12 chance that the new pancreas will obstruct part of the intestine, requiring emergency surgery (if technologically viable), or a very powerful healing spell as noted above, or death by bowel obstruction in 1d10 days (no save).

51-65 new parathyroid gland. 1 in 6 chance of osteoporosis (-1 CON and -1 level's worth of HP permanently subtracted).

66-80 new thyroid gland, roll 1d6: 1-2 in the neck (looks like goiter), 3-4 inside the chest or abdomen (no apparent change), 5 in the posterior portion of neck (looks like a small hump) and 6 inside your brain (save vs. death or die of intracranial hypertension; survivors get -2 DEX, INT and WIS permanently due to brain damage). Increased thyroid hormone production grants +1 DEX, -1 WIS and doubles food consumption.

81-90 new gonad. Male characters gain a new testes, resulting in +1 STR and increased agression (must save vs. spell when provoked or when enticed by a female, to resist entering combat). Female characters gain a new ovary, resulting in higher fertility and increasingly feminine body shape (+1 COM, or if you're not using it, +1 CHA only when dealing with males of the same species).

91-95 new pituitary. Disrupts usual function of the body's other glands. Roll again twice on this table and apply both results.

96-00 new pineal gland. Superior perception of time gives character a +1 to initiative rolls. Arcane spellcasters gain one aditional spell per level; all others gain the ability to use scrolls and magic items equivalent to a thief of the same level, because pineal glands are all mystical and shit. Also, contact outer plane and commune spells automatically succeed.

QuoteAn orc lies on his back on the ground, tears streaming down his face. Nearby is a field filled with hundreds of dead orcs. They have been slaughtered by a high-level adventuring party. The orc receives a +3 on all attack rolls and cries ceaselessly.

This one was actually pretty evocative for me...

• Are the adventurers still on the field of battle?  
• Does the orc rise and try to exact revenge?  
• Does he hide among his fallen comrades until the adventurers quit the field of battle?

Amusing.

RPGPundit

Quote from: The Butcher;623410Roll 1d100. All changes permanent until a very powerful healing spell (restoration, heal, etc.) is cast on the affected character.

01-20 new sebaceous gland, organ of Zuckerkandl, or other obscure microscopic gland. No noticeable effect.

21-35 new adrenal gland, always inside the abdomen. Increased adrenaline production during stress (adrenal surge) allows the character to enter a state of heightened agression identical to a berserker's once per day; however, increased cortisol output decreases bone and muscle mass, facilitates obesity and diabetes and weakens the immune system: -1 STR, -1 DEX and -1 CON

36-50 new pancreas. Character is +2 to save vs. food-borne poisons and can subsist on normally inedible organic matter (e.g. leather, paper) thanks to enhanced digestive enzymes. There is a 1 in 12 chance that the new pancreas will obstruct part of the intestine, requiring emergency surgery (if technologically viable), or a very powerful healing spell as noted above, or death by bowel obstruction in 1d10 days (no save).

51-65 new parathyroid gland. 1 in 6 chance of osteoporosis (-1 CON and -1 level's worth of HP permanently subtracted).

66-80 new thyroid gland, roll 1d6: 1-2 in the neck (looks like goiter), 3-4 inside the chest or abdomen (no apparent change), 5 in the posterior portion of neck (looks like a small hump) and 6 inside your brain (save vs. death or die of intracranial hypertension; survivors get -2 DEX, INT and WIS permanently due to brain damage). Increased thyroid hormone production grants +1 DEX, -1 WIS and doubles food consumption.

81-90 new gonad. Male characters gain a new testes, resulting in +1 STR and increased agression (must save vs. spell when provoked or when enticed by a female, to resist entering combat). Female characters gain a new ovary, resulting in higher fertility and increasingly feminine body shape (+1 COM, or if you're not using it, +1 CHA only when dealing with males of the same species).

91-95 new pituitary. Disrupts usual function of the body's other glands. Roll again twice on this table and apply both results.

96-00 new pineal gland. Superior perception of time gives character a +1 to initiative rolls. Arcane spellcasters gain one aditional spell per level; all others gain the ability to use scrolls and magic items equivalent to a thief of the same level, because pineal glands are all mystical and shit. Also, contact outer plane and commune spells automatically succeed.

This seems very Rolemaster or perhaps Palladium Fantasy to me for some reason.   What would Butcher's Critical Chart for Rolemaster or Middle-earth look like?  Extreme.  This is actually pretty cool Butcher.  Got to amp up the weird once in a while.  I'm going to have to get out the DMG III.

I got this one:

"An unscrupulous village elder will reward the party handsomely if they feed his daughter's boyfriend to a giant toad."


That? IS AWESOME!

Quote from: Kuroth;624117This seems very Rolemaster or perhaps Palladium Fantasy to me for some reason.   What would Butcher's Critical Chart for Rolemaster or Middle-earth look like?  Extreme.  This is actually pretty cool Butcher.  Got to amp up the weird once in a while.  I'm going to have to get out the DMG III.

Thanks for the kind words. Never cared for Rolemaster, but Palladium (Rifts in particular) is a huge influence on everything I do gaming-wise.

None of my usual go-to systems has room for a Rolemaster-like chart of crits. I suppose I could make up something for TSR-era D&D, but I guess it'd be a tall order to outdo ACKS' Mortal Wounds Table.