I am considering re-writing that shitty WOTC Firejolt Cafe scenario, "No Tears Over Spilled Coffee," as an adventure worth playing.  Clashing swords, severed body parts, hot chicks with heaving sweaty cleavage, the works.  I cannot decide on a basic premise to start with, though, so I'd like some advice.  Should the PCS get involved as an adventuring party who attacks the coffee shop, or should they be employees of the coffee shop?  (For the latter to work we'll have to assume that they are either very down on their luck, prisoners working off a debt, or outright slaves).  I'm damn sure going to ditch that steam mephit living in the espresso machine and replace it with something cool, like a bodak or a necrophidius.  Maybe the PCS could have been hired by slavers to raid the place (might as well make this as politically incorrect as possible, while I'm at it).  Nubile college-age baristas are in demand in the slave markets of the Emirates to the south, and even the beta-males who work there might be worth money -- a eunuch who can make a good cup of coffee is in demand down there almost as much as harem wenches.  Any other ideas?

Quote from: I on August 04, 2023, 08:17:50 PM
I am considering re-writing that shitty WOTC Firejolt Cafe scenario, "No Tears Over Spilled Coffee," as an adventure worth playing.  Clashing swords, severed body parts, hot chicks with heaving sweaty cleavage, the works.  I cannot decide on a basic premise to start with, though, so I'd like some advice.  Should the PCS get involved as an adventuring party who attacks the coffee shop, or should they be employees of the coffee shop?  (For the latter to work we'll have to assume that they are either very down on their luck, prisoners working off a debt, or outright slaves).  I'm damn sure going to ditch that steam mephit living in the espresso machine and replace it with something cool, like a bodak or a necrophidius.  Maybe the PCS could have been hired by slavers to raid the place (might as well make this as politically incorrect as possible, while I'm at it).  Nubile college-age baristas are in demand in the slave markets of the Emirates to the south, and even the beta-males who work there might be worth money -- a eunuch who can make a good cup of coffee is in demand down there almost as much as harem wenches.  Any other ideas?

How about a Half-Orc Bard that says he was attacked by Elves while on his way to the coffee shop at 3am, during a snowstorm. But the PC's discover that the Bard actually paid a pair of Orcs to fake an assault, to discredit Elven Bards, and boost his flagging musical career?

The players are employees of the cafe and notice a couple of orcs just sitting in there for hours without buying anything. Suddenly, one of the orcs wants to use the latrine. What do the players do, knowing that only patrons of the cafe are allowed to use the latrine? Do they make a special exception for the orcs and risk losing their jobs, or do they deny the orcs use of the latrine unless they buy something?

Quote from: Grognard GM on August 04, 2023, 11:19:50 PM

Quote from: I on August 04, 2023, 08:17:50 PM
I am considering re-writing that shitty WOTC Firejolt Cafe scenario, "No Tears Over Spilled Coffee," as an adventure worth playing.  Clashing swords, severed body parts, hot chicks with heaving sweaty cleavage, the works.  I cannot decide on a basic premise to start with, though, so I'd like some advice.  Should the PCS get involved as an adventuring party who attacks the coffee shop, or should they be employees of the coffee shop?  (For the latter to work we'll have to assume that they are either very down on their luck, prisoners working off a debt, or outright slaves).  I'm damn sure going to ditch that steam mephit living in the espresso machine and replace it with something cool, like a bodak or a necrophidius.  Maybe the PCS could have been hired by slavers to raid the place (might as well make this as politically incorrect as possible, while I'm at it).  Nubile college-age baristas are in demand in the slave markets of the Emirates to the south, and even the beta-males who work there might be worth money -- a eunuch who can make a good cup of coffee is in demand down there almost as much as harem wenches.  Any other ideas?

How about a Half-Orc Bard that says he was attacked by Elves while on his way to the coffee shop at 3am, during a snowstorm. But the PC's discover that the Bard actually paid a pair of Orcs to fake an assault, to discredit Elven Bards, and boost his flagging musical career?

Excellent idea!

Quote from: Effete on August 04, 2023, 11:49:24 PM
The players are employees of the cafe and notice a couple of orcs just sitting in there for hours without buying anything. Suddenly, one of the orcs wants to use the latrine. What do the players do, knowing that only patrons of the cafe are allowed to use the latrine? Do they make a special exception for the orcs and risk losing their jobs, or do they deny the orcs use of the latrine unless they buy something?

They slaughter the orcs, rob their corpses and drag the bodies out to the back alley.  That'll teach them.  Maybe put one's head on a spike outside as a warning to trouble-makers.

Quote from: I on August 05, 2023, 12:54:17 AM

Quote from: Effete on August 04, 2023, 11:49:24 PM
The players are employees of the cafe and notice a couple of orcs just sitting in there for hours without buying anything. Suddenly, one of the orcs wants to use the latrine. What do the players do, knowing that only patrons of the cafe are allowed to use the latrine? Do they make a special exception for the orcs and risk losing their jobs, or do they deny the orcs use of the latrine unless they buy something?

They slaughter the orcs, rob their corpses and drag the bodies out to the back alley.  That'll teach them.  Maybe put one's head on a spike outside as a warning to trouble-makers.

Better hope the orc tribes don't hear of this, or they'd form a mostly-peacefully raiding party to burn/loot/murder the cafe.

Slavers is the best premise. It also gives the party a chance to use non-lethal means in combat, which isn't done enough IMO. Nets, man catchers, blackjacks don't get enough use. At least non-lethal means for the marketable baristas and customers.

Consider making the barista and customer NPCs snowflake types like teifling druids and atheist dragonborne paladins.

It you want more challenge, consider having a heavily armed detachment of the town watch at a table sipping coffee and munching pastries. They will intervene heroically to try to save the baristas and customers, despite their petitioning of the city lords to defund the watch.

I find myself in the awkward situation of wanting to contribute, but I refuse to buy the original source material. How can I help rewrite something I have not read?

Quote from: weirdguy564 on August 05, 2023, 10:49:12 AM
I find myself in the awkward situation of wanting to contribute, but I refuse to buy the original source material. How can I help rewrite something I have not read?

Oh, it's a free "adventure" available on the internet.  I wouldn't give these fuckers any of my money either.  Luckily, they've made it so we can mock them without spending a penny:

https://www.dndbeyond.com/posts/1118-free-d-d-adventure-work-at-strixhavens-firejolt

Quote from: Effete on August 05, 2023, 01:47:08 AM

Quote from: I on August 05, 2023, 12:54:17 AM

Quote from: Effete on August 04, 2023, 11:49:24 PM
The players are employees of the cafe and notice a couple of orcs just sitting in there for hours without buying anything. Suddenly, one of the orcs wants to use the latrine. What do the players do, knowing that only patrons of the cafe are allowed to use the latrine? Do they make a special exception for the orcs and risk losing their jobs, or do they deny the orcs use of the latrine unless they buy something?

They slaughter the orcs, rob their corpses and drag the bodies out to the back alley.  That'll teach them.  Maybe put one's head on a spike outside as a warning to trouble-makers.

Better hope the orc tribes don't hear of this, or they'd form a mostly-peacefully raiding party to burn/loot/murder the cafe.

Eh, we're just the low-paid employees.  If we see a fiery-but-peaceful orc horde coming, we'll rob the cash register and slip out the back way.  No harm done; the owner has insurance, right?  Isn't that they always say?  "It's just property, the business has insurance, it's all good."

Quote from: rytrasmi on August 05, 2023, 09:27:15 AM
Slavers is the best premise. It also gives the party a chance to use non-lethal means in combat, which isn't done enough IMO. Nets, man catchers, blackjacks don't get enough use. At least non-lethal means for the marketable baristas and customers.

Consider making the barista and customer NPCs snowflake types like teifling druids and atheist dragonborne paladins.

It you want more challenge, consider having a heavily armed detachment of the town watch at a table sipping coffee and munching pastries. They will intervene heroically to try to save the baristas and customers, despite their petitioning of the city lords to defund the watch.

Great ideas.  When Quintillius or whatever the hell his name is shows up -- the guy with the "perfect jawline and sapphire-blue eyes" -- one of us distracts him by asking him which high-calorie syrup he wants in his coffee, while our thief sneaks up behind and blackjacks him.  A comely young lad like Quintillius will fetch a good price from the Emir of Fudgepakistan, who is reputed to have a large seraglio of desirable and well-lubricated young men.

Quote from: I on August 05, 2023, 11:01:30 AM
Eh, we're just the low-paid employees.  If we see a fiery-but-peaceful orc horde coming, we'll rob the cash register and slip out the back way.  No harm done; the owner has insurance, right?  Isn't that they always say?  "It's just property, the business has insurance, it's all good."

Maybe the players can also be the insurance company stooges trying to find a loophole in the policy to avoid paying out. "Oh, sorry Mr. Cafe-owner. Your policy covered ACCIDENTAL fires, not INCIDENTAL fires." Then just to be safe, raise the Orc Lives Matter banner atop the lending house's balustrade.

Quote from: Effete on August 05, 2023, 11:17:20 AM

Quote from: I on August 05, 2023, 11:01:30 AM
Eh, we're just the low-paid employees.  If we see a fiery-but-peaceful orc horde coming, we'll rob the cash register and slip out the back way.  No harm done; the owner has insurance, right?  Isn't that they always say?  "It's just property, the business has insurance, it's all good."

Maybe the players can also be the insurance company stooges trying to find a loophole in the policy to avoid paying out. "Oh, sorry Mr. Cafe-owner. Your policy covered ACCIDENTAL fires, not INCIDENTAL fires." Then just to be safe, raise the Orc Lives Matter banner atop the lending house's balustrade.

Maybe they can try the SJW tactic of standing inside and screaming, "BUT WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE!" to the looters as they rob and trash the place.  The Orc Lives Matter banner is a good idea, though -- maybe the party should carry a variety of political banners like that, like pirate ships used to carry various national flags in order to sneak up on their victims.

Quote from: I on August 05, 2023, 01:15:18 PM
Maybe they can try the SJW tactic of standing inside and screaming, "BUT WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE!" to the looters as they rob and trash the place.  The Orc Lives Matter banner is a good idea, though -- maybe the party should carry a variety of political banners like that, like pirate ships used to carry various national flags in order to sneak up on their victims.

And studded leather codpieces.