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Fading Suns: Dune

Started by Spike, February 07, 2017, 01:20:04 AM

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Spike

Here I'm going to go a bit off the path from world building, which is really a misfire on my part, since the idea is to play in Dune, not to play in Spike's Galaxy that Looks a Lot Like Dune, and try to get into some of the more arcane aspects of playing in Dune, using the Fading Suns rules as a basis. I'll comment here that this project is winding down a bit, and it's been keeping me from another interesting, and involved gaming project I've had on my plate, but I don't mind.

Lets get started with Rituals, shall we?
Dune is a rather epic setting, with grander than life... everything, and quite a lot of symbolism and mysticism, yet for all that we only see a tiny handful of ritual behaviors. I'm going to detail the Spice Agony/Orgy rituals, the Gom Jabbar testing, the use of the Juice of Sapho, along with litanies, and then I'm going to detail a bit of the more or less unknown Spacing Guild rituals that eventually produce full Navigators, not because there is any canon support for them, but because it reinforces some of the work I've already done.  Maybe in another post I'll remember to talk about Stealing a Heighliner, what with Players being Players...

Spice Agony/The Water of Life:

This is the big one. We see it twice in the first book and film, and every Reverend Mother, be she a Bene Gesserit or a primative Missionaria Protectivia inheritor, seems to practice this, as does every would be Kwisatz Haderach.  For all that it is probably one of the less common rituals in the setting, but it is the biggest. I'm going to discuss all the variants at one time.

The starting point is the preparation of the overdose. For those with access to small sandworms, that is as easy as drowning the sonofabitch, and collecting the bile, which produces sufficient 'doses' for dozens of Spice Agony rituals.  For those not working with the Fremen, however, the process is somewhat different.

As normal spice is too heavily adulterated, one must first acquire very pure spice. For the Bene Gesserit and others with deep pockets and a regular need, this is as simply as buying it uncut. For everyone else there is the use of the alchemy skill to distill the pure essence down.  This is a normal test of the skill, and the aspirant will want at least one hundred doses, though more is better, for reasons that will become obvious.

Once the pure Spice has been obtained it is then mixed with a number of powerful but dangerous mind expanding drugs, many based on exotic alkaloids.  If the preparer is working from a known recepie then this is as simple as acquiring the right chemicals (which can be obtained in sufficient quantities for 20-30 firebirds, though finding a supplier, or suppliers, may be difficult) and making the preparation with a second Alchemy check. If attempting to create ones own mixture then the character must make either a hard Alchemy check, or a hard Lore:Spice check to determine which chemicals to mix, then acquire those (prices will vary wildly). It is possible to use nothing more than Pure Spice, but unless you are willing to significantly up the dosage (x10) then you risk dying for very little, and recall that larger dosages will be harder to consume in the ritual.  The user of a larger Pure Spice should still make an Alchemy check to properly mix the Spice into a drinkable solution, usually of water but alcohol can be used.

At this point the exact nature of the ritual is largely up to the user, as only one's will to survive and psychic gifts actually matters.  Usually a group will surround the person undergoing the ritual, offering prayers and support, and for the Fremen preparing for the coming Spice Orgy.  For Fremen, and rarely for a Bene Gesserit supplicant in extreme circumstances, a second participant, an old Reverend Mother, will also participate. This second participant will consume a small amount of the preparation, though usually not a full dose.  For Bene Gesserit and others the exact amount consumed is well measured, while the Fremen 'water of life' ritual involves taking a healthy swig of liquid, nothing more.

At this point if the ritual consumer does NOT have the Pyschic Gift: Convert Poison and several Wyrd points, they are simply dead after a prolonged period of agony and there isn't much anyone can do for them except put them out of their misery.

At this point the consumer is wracked with pain, inflicting a -4 penalty to all actions and begins suffering 3 Vitality a round of damage.  Every round they may take a Convert Poison check (at the penalty), which, if successful, reduces the damage taken by 1 point for that round. The consumer must accumulate 20 victory points (margins of success), or a critical success, before they die while also eliminating the damage.

If the user's has access to Other Memory... either due to having enough Psi Rating and xp to purchase it, or to having an assistant with Other Memory (who, in this case, will die during the ritual), the ancestral memories can reduce the agony on a successful check (performed simultaniously, including Wyrd cost) to -2 penalty.  This only needs to be done once, and the assistant usually pays the wyrd cost.

The Fremen Water of Life is particularly potent, inflicting 4 points of Vitality damage, but only inflicts a -3 penalty (reduced to -1), and is always done with an assistant Reverend Mother except for when Men attempt it.  Most men do not have access to Other Memory, and cannot reduce the penalty, and in fact suffer an additional -2 penalty AND an additional point of Vitality Damage per round, making only the most powerful and determined psychics capable of withstanding the ritual.  It is believed that any man who does will awaken his Other Memory, and will be the KH.  

The GM should adjust the difficulty based on the mixes for non-standard use. An unenhanced Pure Spice dose is easier to survive, but does not awaken Other Memory. Only inflict half the penalties and damage. For every doubling of the dose (2, 4, 8) increase the penalities by one each, at an 8 times dose the use of Pure Spice can awaken Other Memory, but not during the ritual, giving no benefit to survival. Larger doses simply cannot be naturally consumed, and the excess spice is wasted.

Even without accessing Other Memory, the Spice Agony has two notable effects:

First, those who enact the Ritual undergo profound spiritual awakenings, often having prophetic visions.  The GM may explain any missed connections in the Character's past, possibly identifying those who have been secret allies or enemies as such or significant clues that may have been overlooked, and for the future setting the character on a path that will lead them to... something, usually something they are already seeking.

The second is that the conversion process turns all the unused portions of the mixture consumed into an Awareness Spectrum Narcotic that is expelled from teh body.  This is what the Bene Gesserit consider the "Water of Life", and is collected.  Assume that the person undergoing the Ritual 'consumes' ten 'doses' of Spice consumed every round until the ritual is complete, and yes Pure Spice Ritual can produce more than a normal Spice Agony with larger doses.

For the Fremen ritual, this excess is not collected so much but consumed by the collected members of the Seitch in a Spice Orgy, so the exact amount produced is unknown.

Provided the ritual ended before reaching the penalty portion of the Vitality track, the Ritual takes roughly an hour and leaves the user exausted and wrung out.  If the damage reaches the penalty track, then they enter a prolonged healing coma, remaining insensate until fully healed (Paul Atredies slept for three weeks as if dead after his ritual... assuming here that he barely made it), but they will awake fully healed, feeling fresh, alive and energized. (full Vitality and Wyrd).

If an assistant provided help with Other Memory she dies during the ritual, having transferred all her memories, Ancestral or otherwise, to the new Reverend Mother.  This requires an Ego check, or the new Reverend Mother will gain a curse reflecting her nascent split personality.  A simple failure simply means that too much of the personality of the old Reverend Mother crossed over and is a nuisance voice in her head, and her personality may shift slightly... A critical Failure means that the two personalities merge entirely, fundamentally altering the new Reverend Mother. It could also mean that an older Memory 'possesses' the Reverend Mother. This is the problem with Abominations, as small children have no Ego* to check...

Spice Orgy:
During a Spice Agony among the Fremen, the new Reverend Mother begins secreting, mostly as sweat, an Awareness Spectrum Narcotic (only if she is succeeding...),  The Sayaddina around her touch her frequently, absorbing some of the drug, and sharing it through touch and taste with the assembled seitch adults.  This leads to what is called a Spice Orgy, as the assembled adults enter simultaniously into a psychic fugue, aware of the feelings and surface thoughts of those around them, and a sexual frenzy.  The Spice Orgy only truly begins after the Spice Agony is over, as the ASN is passed through the tribe from the Sayaddina to the leaders of the Seitch, to the adults and at last to the young adults (many of whom will be formally recognized as Adults for the first time by being allowed to participate. This is an auspicious sign, entering adulthood through a Spice Orgy, though for all males, and females who wish to fight, they will still need to ride a Worm. Usually riding the worm is done the day of the Spice Agony for those members).

Many Seitches track generations from those born as a result of Spice Orgies, so Fremen Generations are quite variable in length.  All those born after the transfer of one Reverend Mother to the next are part of the new generation. If the Spice Agony is a failure, resulting in the loss of a Reverend Mother, then the Sietch will not have Spice Orgy, nor will they deliberately conceive new children. Younger adults hoping to form families will attempt to join other seitches instead, through marriage.

Provided a participant gives into the sexual frenzy of the tribe, and the consequent lowering of ego barriers through the drug, they will find that all passion, extrovert and faith spirit attribute checks for their Seitch is are increased by one. It is a great honor, a formal adoption in fact, to be allowed to participate in a Spice Orgy of another Seitch.  It is very common to select one's mate at a Spice Orgy, if one is not already married, and a widow or widower is expected to set aside any mourning they have and remarry after a Spice Orgy.  While Fremen generally practice monogamous marital practices, it is not unheard of for a Fremen to have multiple (rarely more than two, both because of the difficulty of getting adopted into multiple tribes, and the infrequency of Spice Agony rituals) spouses from Orgies in different Sietches.  How such a Fremen organizes their own house in such a case is not covered by Fremen culture, owing to its rarity.

The Gom Jabbar:

This is a uniquely Dune form of Destructive Testing, where the goal is not to find out the point where a person or object breaks, but to see if they can survive a minimum threshold of stress. The phrase is used, frequently to refer to someone failing such a test. Paul might have said that the Emperor Failed his Gom Jabbar after the Spice War, though this would have been a misuse of the term, it would have been commonly understood.  

For our purposes, we will refer specifically to the presented, typical Bene Gesserit test of 'humanity'.

The testing components are a psychically resonant box, which produces a feeling of pain when fed Wyrd points by an trained psychic, and a poisoned needle, which is the Gom Jabbar itself.  For our purposes, the Gom Jabbar poison is automatically lethal in three turns to anyone who can't Convert Poison, or doesn't have a specially prepared antidote available in that time. It is quite irregular to try and have a doctor or antidote present, so what the BG tester might think of this level of foresight and cheating is unknown, though it fundamentally alters the test.  When conducted, the Gom Jabbar is held ready, only an exceptional  Dex+Fighting check can avoid being stabbed by it... assume the Bene Gesserit has a Goal of 18 to stab the subject.

Once the subject has put his or her hand into the box, the tester pays one point of Wyrd per turn.  This inflicts a phantom sense of agony and a sure awareness of destruction of the affected hand. Each turn the test continues the agony and sense of destruction gets worse.  To avoid removing one's hand from the box requires a Stoic Mind check, and awareness that the pain is illusory does not help.  The subject Calm+Focus for this test. It does not work on trained psychics, who will feel the pain, but will automatically attempt to block it with their mental training. Each turn the test is conducted, starting with the very first, inflicts a cumulative -1 penalty.

The test runs until either the Tester is out of wyrd or the subject faints. Either the tester or the subject may end the test at any time, the Tester by simply ceasing to spend Wyrd, the subject by removing his hand and risking the Gom Jabbar at his neck.

Reciting the Litany Against Fear or calling upon one's faith can help.  The tester may roll Calm+Stoic Mind, or Faith+Impress at the current penalty. If successful they may apply their victory points/margin of success, to the actual test (Ego+Stoic Mind) that round.  Any blessings or curses related to pain (including masochism!) or willpower will apply to both tests.

Typically the test only goes for two or three turns at most, some tests are for a single turn, as the purpose of the test is to see if awareness of death is enough to control the instinct to remove one's hand.  Testing beyond four turns is rarely done, as the penalty does not cap and the chance for failure rises dramatically. Most test subjects are young and untried.

Bene Gesserit training provides a +1 to all Ego and Calm tests during the ritual, double for women who have been more formally trained. You do not need to have the Asset:Bene Gesserit training, which assumes you have already taken the Gom Jabbar, or a reasonable facsimile of it.

There is no official benefit to passing the Gom Jabbar, or failing but being left alive (Tester's option). However, usually success, especially for longer more grueling tests, does tend to result in respect from the Bene Gesserit, which leads to additional training.  Women who fail are not usually killed if they are of noble birth, but are denied further BG training. All BG trained Mentats (mostly, but not exclusively men) have been tested and succeeded, the BG will simply not train someone who lacks the self control necessary.  

Bluffing: Generally speaking the BG do not bluff, the Gom Jabbar is always poisoned, as any deceit may be detected. Unless the tester deliberately choses to cheat the test, anyone who fails the first turn is killed, regardless of who they are, which is why testing is done only with some caution with the better born children... usually after they've been well prepared.  If the tester keeps the test going failure becomes increasingly inevitable, and it is the tester's choice when to end the test, or to kill the failure. As most testers are full Reverend Mothers, they have plenty of wyrd to spend, and could draw the test out for an hour or more if they chose.

The Juice of Sapho:
Many Mentats drink the Juice of Sapho, which is a drug produced on Ecaz.  Simple consumption of the drug requires no ritual or test, and provides the regular benefits which will be listed below.  Mentats normally take measured amounts of the drug while reciting a litany which allows them to empty their minds of preconceptions and emotional baggage. This not only extends the normal benefits of the drug, but also enables the Mentat to gain a +1 to calm and Introvert tests, and to test Introvert when normally Extrovert is called upon.

Sapho, the drug:
Costing 2 firebirds for a normal dose, when consumed provides the user additional mental clarity and speed of thought, providing a +1 to all Wits checks for one hour (double for Mentat Trained users), and allowing them to think exceptionally quickly. Reduce all intellectual tasks to half the usual time, or one quarter if it is mathematical calculation or sorting raw data (most Dune data devices can display infomation at speeds calibrated for Mentats).


The Litany against Fear: **

Anyone who has been trained by the Bene Gesserit, including any number of men with Bene Gesserit mothers, many Mentats and others... as well as anyone with Lore: Bene Gesserit, is probably familiar with this simple litany. Reciting the litany over and over again, either outloud or in one's head, allows a Calm+Focus check, which if successful can reduce a penalty to any check caused by fear by one point. The penalty also applies to the Calm+Focus check, unmodified, however.  This will not help if the person testing must speak or otherwise think things that would interfere with reciting the litany, making it more useful when performing more physical tasks.

Similarly, reciting the OCB injuctions against Thinking Machines may strengthen one to fight against any machine or heretic, though that would be a Faith check, and may provide a specific bonus to passion checks.








EDIT::: Crap. I forgot I've got to cover specifically Poisons and Drugs. Next post, I guess. Damnit!



*I am not implying that small children are not selfish little monsters. Ego represents a strong sense of self and an awareness of 'Other', which children tend to lack. I could work up complex rules for Abomination, as Alia didn't begin truly suffering until adulthood, and Leto and Ghanima came out just fine, but frankly I think allowing characters to be built without complex frameworks, and simple labels, works fine.

** I shouldn't need to say it, but this is all brainstorming ideas. There is no reason to include this in your game if its too intrusive or you simply disagree... and if you've got a better mechanism in Fading Suns, by all means share it
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

#31
So, last time I promised to talk about some poisons and drugs, but other that squeezing in a bit on ODing on SPice, which frankly i"m getting tired of talking about, I didn't really do much with either. Well there was the Sapho.

Now, I'm not going to make up anything here but rules.  There's not much in the way of known poisons, but there are plenty of drugs. Since Poisons are the smaller catagory, we're gonna start there.

Poisons:
One thing to recall is that Dune has different ethics and morals than our world. One of the reflections of that is their differing attitudes towards poisons, which have been enshrined in the rules of Kanly, the Wars of Assassins and so forth.   One of the main rules is that innocents should not be harmed during Kanly, though you will see that this is not always quite followed.  There are three legal classes of poisons, Chaumas, which is poison in food, Chaumurky, which is poison in drink, and then there are poisons that are applied by weapon, either a blade or a hunter-seeker... which do not have a name known to us, but is probably something like chaumaury.

On thing to keep in mind is that anyone of importance uses poison snoopers constantly.  Every member of a noble's entourage will carry a small hand held poison snooper and any or several of them may wave it over any food or drink en route to their master or his guests, and almost certainly someone will check, if not the noble himself, before taking the first drink.  This is especially true when Kanly has been declared, and when out among rival houses... such as at meetings of the Landsraad.

A poison sniffer costs 500 firebirds (or whatever the money is called), and allows a Perception+Alchemy test to detect poison, even in food and drink. Some poisons are harder or easier to detect.

Basilia:
Poison placed on a knife, it is identical to the poison Vorox Killer from the Ur-Ukar portion of the aliens book.  Frequently used in Shield Duels and some of the more dangerous gladitorial contests. Probably what Feyd-Ruatha had on his hidden blade during his duel with Paul Maud'dib.

Kriminon:
This is the poison gas given by Doctor Yueh to Duke Leto. Said to be able to kill everyone in an auditorium from such a small dose, this is clearly an exaggeration. It is also against the rules of poison set down in the laws of Kanly, which is probably why Duke Leto tried to refuse it, though he used it anyway.

Kriminon cannot be bought legally, but may be made by anyone with Lore:Poisons with a standard Alchemy check. It may be bought illegally from various suppliers as any illegal substance, and costs 50 firebirds for a 'dose'.  When used in a small and midsized room, anyone in the room without their own air supply will take a dose automatically, while in larger room those farther away may roll a vigor+endurance check to hold their breath long enough to get away. The gas is heavy and tends to sink (assumed from only evidence of its use).  

Those who have inhaled the poison find they cannot breathe as their lungs lock up (In addition to paralysis of the diaphram, it also interferes with oxygen uptake, meaning forcing air into the lungs is useless) and they begin suffocating.  Without medical intervention they will die of suffocation at the usual rate. Unconsciousness usually follows within thirty seconds and death within five to ten minutes.

Meta-Cyanide:

This is the poison most frequently used on the Gom Jabbar. It is a fast and effective killer and may be used by injection or in food or drink, where it is difficult to detect without a sniffer, unlike old fashioned cyanide. It is less useful on a blade, as it is difficult to apply to the edge. Any weapon 'coated' with a Meta-Cyanide paste as a 50% chance of not having any enter the bloodstream on a successful strike, and the more attempts you make before striking, the less likely there is to be any left (assume the chance of no cyanide remaining increases by 10% per unsuccessful attack). It is frequently used in Hunter-Seekers, however.  Meta-Cyanide is fairly cheap, costing 10 firebirds a dose.

Meta cyanide does 5 points of damage every round until the user is dead. Only some form of blood flush can save them, or a psychic conversion of the poison.

Residual Poison:

While Piter de Vries claims to have invented this, it seems likely that he simply repurposed an older form of drug or chemical.  Residual poison requires a very heavy dose to be administered directly, and cannot be used as a weapon, you need control over your victim to apply it.  This requires first an Alchemy check to properly configure the poison, and a physicks check to apply it, which takes about an hour.  It costs 500 firebirds to concoct it.  When properly applied the poison bonds with the cells and in the organs of the victim but remains dormant. Every day the victim must take an antidote, which can be bought for 5 firebirds, or a gene-engineered creature can be made to provide the antidote via milking, though the cost of such a creature is actually greater than the poison, costing 1000 firebirds from a group such as the Bene Tlielaxu, and 2000 firebirds from groups such as the Ixians.  A Bene Gesserit may synthesize the antidote in her own body if she is the victim with a convert poison check, or with a hard convert poison check to concoct an antidote for another. Purging it using conventional medicine is impossible, but psychics can purge it by accumulating 20 victory points with Convert Poison, with one check per day to purge, and losing all VPs on a critical failure.

Any day (24 hour period) without the antidote, and the victim suffers one vitality point of damage that will not heal even if they resume taking the antidote.

Zenobia:
Also known as the Throat of Hell, this is traditionally a Chaumas poison.  In food it is relatively easy to detect unless the food is particularly pungent or spicy to mask it, and it is easy to detect with sniffers (+2 to sniffer checks), making it rarely used in traditional Wars of Assassins. What keeps it in use is that it inflicts dreadful pain on the victim, killing them over several agonizing hours.  The victim is wracked with such pain as to be paralyzed by it, unable to do much but scream in agony and writhe helplessly. Every hour the victim suffers one point of damage. Due to the pain it is difficult even to purge with psychic gifts, if the victim does not act successfully the moment they realize what has happened to them then all checks to focus the mind are penalized by -6. This may be partially offset by a Stoic Mind check (every VP, up to 3, reduces the penalty by one. A critical success negates the penalty for an entire turn).  Zenobia costs 10 firebirds a dose.

N'kee:
Named after its creator, N'kee is considered the very worst legal poison by the Handbook of Assassins, and its use may require petitioning the Judge of Change in a Kanly, though this is risky. N'kee is a catalyst poison, the poison bonds with the victim's liver and stays there for life. Thereafter every time the victim consumes spice, particularly in alcohols such as Spice Beer (very common throughout the Empire and on Arrakis), it converts some of the Spice into a special toxin that targets the brain, slowly robbing the victim of his mind over several years before killing him. It is exceptionally subtle, and due to the non-toxic nature of the compound is impossible to detect with sniffers, and even psychic purging will not work unless the psychic knows they have been poisoned with N'kee, and how it works... otherwise they would merely purge the brain destroying toxins produced in teh body at that moment.  Only a detailed autopsy, far more detailed that usual and focusing on the compounds in the liver or the unique destruction of the brain (which actually just points knowledgable doctors to the liver...) will discover the poison.  Treatment is as simple as removing portions of the liver and replacing them or letting the liver grow back around the targeted portions.  N'kee is 100 firebirds for the dose, and 1000 firebirds, minimum to bribe a Judge of Change to make it legal... though many chose to skip credit for a Kanly kill and save their money.

Provided the victim is regularly consuming Spice Beer (assume yes unless otherwise noted, such as people who do not take Spice) they will lose one point off of a mental attribute each year, Wits the first, Perception the second, Tech the third, then back to Wits... etc... until one reaches zero, when they die.  If the are consuming spice raw and avoiding beer then the process is a little slower, happening every year and a half.  When Wits reaches three the victim will begin acting as if they have dementia, Perception dropping shows as general innattention and absent mindedness, and Tech dropping shows as a general dullness of thought, unable to reason through simple ideas and problems.

N'kee was used to kill Shaddam IV's father, Elrood, though this is not known at large.


Drugs:
Aside from Spice itself, which has had way too much talk here, other than maybe to suggest that the players can divide out their doses per day for a bonus to stats for half-hour/hour at a time? I got nothing more.  That makes the third suggestion for how to handle the damn stuff... you work it out for your game how you like.  Also, I'm going to not try and price things in drugs. Assume most of these are reasonably cheap at 1-5 firebirds a dose, or less. Many are common among the lower classes and should cost even less, but that's your game.  This will cover only some drugs. Things like Shere (preventing exotic devices from reading the brains of dead folks) won't get any attention here.

Elacca Drug:
One of many derived from Ecaz, Elacca is commonly used on slave-gladiators and ,very rarely, drug fueled shock troops. It gently eliminates the will to live without provoking depression, creating fearless, if often careless, warriors.  Those using the Drug take on a carrot shade to their skin.   Anyone taking Elacca Drug cannot take defensive actions and is utterly immune to fear or the sense of self preservation.
Elacca Drug lasts four to six hours per dose, and the carrot stain grows deeper with repeating doses, taking weeks to fade.  Users find their wits and reflexes slightly dulled (-1 to both), but their lack of self preservation means they can ignore all wound penalties (though obviously missing or mangled limbs will still hinder them).

Semuta:

A narcotic taken from teh same Ecaz tree as Elacca. Semuta is essentially an opiate and can use the rules for Selchakah, except that when high on Semuta, if the peculiar atonal Semuta Music is played, anyone on the drug gains teh benefit of the Insight psychic power.  Semuta addicts are very easy to spot, making it much less useful for blackmail than Selchakah, however. Semuta is a resin that is burned as an incense and inhaled, leaving a sooty resin on the faces of users that is difficult to wash off.*

Verite:

Another Ecaz special, it is listed as a will destroying narcotic, users are unable to lie.  Verite is injected and after about ten minutes they are unable to use any of their passions for rolls. This generally makes them unable to lie, or for that matter to disobey orders of any sort, for about fifeteen to twenty minutes. It also prevents psychic power use once it has taken full effect, and once worn off the victim has no wyrd.  Someone on the drug cannot lie, but proper questioning is important, as neither can they pay attention to topics and will tend to answer in rambling and unfocused fashion.  the questioner can make a wits+charm roll to keep the victim focused on his questions, and a Tech+Inquiry to guide the victim to answer without either feeding them answers (which they will faithfully regurgitate) or asking questions that prompt long rambles on other subjects. A victim on verite does not gain knowledge they do not have, of course, but that won't stop them from answering questions on subjects about which they know little or nothing...  if a victim says 'I don't know', the wise interrogator doesn't press.

To be honest, having already covered Sapho and Spice, we've got a fair amount here. Fading Suns doesn't get deep into drugs or poisons... I think there are three paralytic poisons and one bleeding poisons in teh book, the only Lethal poison I recall was on a critter... though I guess I could look at Lifeweb for ideas.  All you need is some simple effects and a price and you've got a FS drug... and while Dune sort of implies a lot of drug use for 'mind expansion' and the like, its not really all that well detailed.

Awareness Spectrum Narcotic:

Produced by the conversion of toxic levels of Spice in the body during a Spice Agony, this would be one of the rarest and most prized drugs on the market, if it was on the market. Usually found in a liquid form, which the Bene Gesserit call the Water of Life, it has never been properly analyzed or studied.  Cost: Unavailable.

Effect: A single dose acts on the body as Spice without the addictive effects, for Spice Addicts short of Navigators, it sooths all their addictive needs for a single day. It restores all spent Wyrd and restores a point of Vitality (these effects are not available to the one to makes it during the Agony, but they may later consume it for full effect).  During the hours long 'high' the user has access to the Insight psi power for free, and the ASN is used by the Bene Gesserit (and in a strictly informal way the Fremen) to help train and awaken their psychic gifts, or for those who already have it, to expand them.  If taken by two people with Other Memory it can unlock a shared trance state where they one may pass over their memories, current and ancestral, to another, which is fatal to the giver.  The two may engage in a contest of wills to determine who survives (Ego+Focus opposed test, winner takes all).

Note that the term Awareness Spectrum Narcotic is used for any drug that expands the mind and opens the 'third eye' of the user. The Water of Life is merely the most potent and safest.  





Next on my list is gearheading, since Fading Suns doesn't have anything like a Dune style Stunner (it DOES have a taser, however...), so that's for tomorrow unless someone asks for something else first.

Then it's an overview of the setting circa 9191, which is of course all made up bullshit and utterly forgettable for the canon-fanwank nazis, and that will close this project up.  All faaking week, its been, though if I'd only been focusing on specific rules Ida been done in a day.





*To be honest, I only recall how easily people could notice semuta addicts, and I'm not going to go digging for reference to how they looked... if that's too inaccurate for you, you probably have a better idea than I do, anyway.
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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Spike

Bah, I had some points about Stealing a Heighliner to make, and seeing David Johansson's thread in development, I thought of a point to make regarding 'star routes' and stuff that fits in.

Regarding 'routes', we don't know the absolute range of a Fold Drive, but for the purposes of our 'game' we can simply assume a Heighliner can reach anywhere in the Empire in a single 'jump'.  Folding Space is functionally instantanious, the time delay between jumps is loading and unloading hundreds of ships, during which time maintenance will be done.  Its possible a very few heighliners are kept on standby in certain places for those super important, must be there right fucking now moments, but its probably cheaper and easier to just co-opt one that is ready to be loaded.   For ten thousand worlds (which may be a poetic license?) there probably are only a few hundred active heighliners, the real limit being navigators.

These heighliners probably follow routes, but the routes aren't determined by spatial concerns, but logistical.  The percentage of ships loading and unloading at any given stop is something handled by CHOAM, and is normally well known in advance.


So you've got some stupidly crazy PCs who are determined to steal a Heighliner?

Well, the good news is they don't have to worry about the cargo area normally, if they can move quickly enough. Even if legions of Sadukar are packed into troop ships like sardines, they can't get aboard the Heighliner unless someone docks that ship in a hard berth.  Speaking of: if the players want to hijack the ship, they'll need to get a hard berth themselves. With a skilled pilot they might be able to force the issue, fighting repulsor/tractor beams, but we'll assume for now that they were clever and set themselves up as VIPs, which is good because it gives them access to CHOAM's portion of the ship (and all those tractor beam controls necessary to lock down the cargo bay!)

THe good news is here that despite the sheer size of a Heighliner, the vast overwhelming majority of it is nothing more than empty space and hull.  SUre, we can assume the hull itself is full of tuning arrays, sensors and other jazz, but not much need to secure those areas, or for that matter 'engines', which we can assume are both too big and too complex to really be secured by a handful of crazy people... I mean PCs.  That also means the number of people on board is relatively small for its size, and most of THEM are essentially non-combatants.  Sure, the Spacing Guild is full of drugged up fanatics, but most of them aren't trained or equipped for a fight, and the CHOAM personnel would probably be forbidden all but the smallest of weapons, a Slip Knife or Kindjal (short sword).

That said; Even as non-combatants the SG folks will have plenty of psychics, to include precognitives. If the party doesn't have a psychic of their own, then they'll have to fight carefully laid ambushes from the moment they try to dock, so we'll assume for the moment they did bring their own.

Not counting the Navigators, the number of Spacing Guild and CHOAM personnel numbers in the low to middle hundreds, though many of them will be tripping balls, and others simply won't get the word in time to react. The Spacing Guild will have marines of some sort, with shields, guns and maybe a few low level psychics. Say ten percent of the overall crew, with another ten to twenty percent able to be armed as augmentees, but poorly trained.

The good news is that you'll see a breakdown of some 50% guarding the spice stores, 20% scattered in key locations of the ship (such as holding the corridors leading from the VIP area to the main crew area, locking down engine compartments and other vital services, and the other 30% guarding the Navigators.  The downside is the volunteers will probably not be guarding the spice, so they get a straight 50/50 split, and depending on how fast the party moves, more will be at the bridge/navigators, making for a big tough fight to take the bridge.

And they WILL have time to arm up, since the party may very well be sprinting through miles of corridors... and if they didn't try to get any hard intel on the layout first? Well, they are proper fucked now, aren't they?  The inside of a heighliner is small D&D esque Dungeon, and there could well be armed men in ships sharing Hard Berths who will take exception to the interruption of their ride.

Luckily, its unlikely the ship will Jump while armed men are shooting the place up. Too disruptive.  They might, but that may actually work in the parties favor, as it will delay communications with the ground for a relief force...

Depending on the world and the cargo, the reaction from outside the ship will be as fast as possible. However, getting a group of armed men, hundreds or thousands of them, briefing them, loadign them and flying them up, will take a good day at least, and if the party controls primary communications it will take longer, as good intelligence is necessary. The reinforcements will probably dock someplace unexpected, an exterior airlock or they'll just cut into the hull as close to the action as they can get... and they can come in multiple points.  A day maybe two at the outside, since Heighliner jacking is probably not a common occurrance.   Once they start arriving, however, things are essentially over.

Other problems is that ships 'locked down' in the cargo area might still interfere with smaller shuttle craft moving between them to ferry people into the ship, though again; leaving someone on tractorbeam duties can solve this problem, and does suggest a shorter route to the main areas of the ship.

So the players shot their way through a hundred or so armed men and have captured the Navigators, maybe killed a few (dunno, those tanks look pretty tough, did they bring any-armor weapons? maybe a lasgun to threaten people with?) now what?  I'm going to assume they don't mean to die honorably, so they probably want to leave. Great, if the Navigators will co-operate... and chances are they won't wind up where they expect to if they do trust the Navigators... they'll wind up someplace like Junction (or A Junction), with the Spacing Guild waiting for them.

So... trust the Navigator or do what?

Well, the Navigator isn't actually moving the ship. That's why he's call the Navigator and not the 'jump drive'.  It turns out we have a pretty solid number for blind jumps: 10%. Not good.

If they've got a think machine navigator (HOW?? never mind, it IS possible, these are things that do exist. Maybe its old and unreliable, maybe its a 'prototype' Ixian or Tlielaxu device) then you can pretty much just assign a value to how good it is, up to 99% if its a well maintained real-deal pre-Jihad wizzbang. It should only go below 10% if its deliberately aiming at stars or planets or some shit... deliberate suicide.

Well, they do have other options. There are Mentats, who actually do calculate and sort data at absurdly high rates of speed and are meant to replace computers.  Up to two mentats can coordinate, breaking down the project between them, and may add their Tech+Academia:Astrogation to the percentage chance to succeed (don't roll the skill, just add, save a step. If they roll, add their VP, or double for a Critical success, so yes, it might (5%) do them some good, but its more likely to hurt them by reducing their total).  Less capable Think Machines might be used instead, if someone has bothered to program them for the task (again: Who?), for that the GM determines the success.

A non-navigator psychic can use whatever presicent power they possess to improve their chances.  It has to be an actual future or present looking power. Assume every point of the power is worth 5%, and additional wyrd spent adds 1% per wyrd point.  This might be used in conjunction with Mentat Calculations.

Now they have a new problem. The Navigators use psychic technologies to tell the ship where to jump, so you probably don't have a psychic trained to pilot the ship. You can reroute controls through a more conventional interface... if you thought of the problem ahead of time, but that will take precious hours that you can ill afford.  

On the other hand, if you pull it off, especially if you are leaving Arrakis with a load of Spice, depending on where you "land", you have billions, perhaps trillions in cargo.  Hell, if you're that bold you can try and ransom the Heighliner (cargo or no cargo) back to CHOAM. You won't get its full value, but you can get enough to live the life of your dreams.  Living to spend it is another thing, but there are worse options than taking the ransom at Tupile or some other sanctuary world, or splitting your ill gotten gains with a Great House thats had some bad centuries... they'll happily take the cash influx to turn their fortune around, and their power to tell everyone else to fuck off. They still might kill you, just on principle, but they probably won't.

Because you know some player is going to want to try it.
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Spike

Well... shit, I just lost about two hours of work due to my fancy mouse deciding to 'page back' me just as I was finishing up the gearhead post.  I'm so depressed I'm going to go sulk in a corner and listen to teh cure the rest of the weekend.
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Spike

Interesting find on the youtubes, during a 2003 documentary about the Lynch film, Kyle Maclaughlin states that Frank Herbert was on set (of course) and gave advice constantly on pronunciation.  Thereby, whenever something is pronounced in Lynch, we can assume that is the canon way to say... whatever.  Not that its a big deal, but still...  'cause I be so faithful to canon, yo!
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Voros

#35
Yeah that doc is on the Dune blu ray and I noticed that bit. Luckily I've memorized most of the dialogue from the film so I guess I have the pronunciation down pat.

Voros

Quote from: Spike;945316Well... shit, I just lost about two hours of work due to my fancy mouse deciding to 'page back' me just as I was finishing up the gearhead post.  I'm so depressed I'm going to go sulk in a corner and listen to teh cure the rest of the weekend.

You should be writing it into a word doc at this word count.

Regarding the ships and Navigators. This is probably expanded on in a later book or even explained in the first book and I've forgotten, but isn't the folding of space also accomplished with psychic power not technology? That was my impression.

Spike

No, the folding of space is technology. The Navigators... Navigate. The Ixians, in God Emperor (the third book) reveal a mechanical navigation device which is part of what enables the scattering, along with a synthetic spice, its actually a major plot point of the setting.

The Navigators use prescience to see if the fold is going to land the ship in the middle of a star, making folds much safer.
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Spike

Having done, and lost, a gearhead post I've somewhat lost steam on this, but I shall soldier on simply to complete it at last.  

I'm not going to replace the gearhead post, but I will explain WHY.  You see, as I went through some of the few canon Dune items I started to realize that I was sort of barking up the wrong tree.  You don't want me to create rules for Slip-tips when you've got knives, and its probably fine for a GM to determine for himself if a Kindjal is a large dagger or a small sword without me writing up some rules, nor do you need me to explain that if you think Fading Suns sheilds are too fragile for Dune, that you can change that until they fit your expectations better.

Not that I wasted time on knives, but even the Dune Stunner, which is just a low powered gun, doesn't really call for a huge write up with fancy rules, though I did just that... when in the end it was a fiddly version of light firearms, which already do low enough damage to bypass shields, only with less internet forum warrior rules.  Just about the only real value I think I added was Hunter-Seekers, and again... nothing I did rules wise will beat a GM's houseruling this unlikely piece of adventuring gear.

In short, as I worked and brainstormed I realized that I was drilling in way to far, doing way too much work for... not just too little pay off, but actively going down the wrong path.  Fading Suns is fairly airy and rules light at the end of the day, and here I was trying to make complex and detailed 'things' for it, which I'd already caught myself doing for poisons and drugs.

So, this is the replacement: Very little needs to be written for equipment for Dune. Adjust what's in the book to fit your ideas of Dune's technology as you need it.

Now, to spend four hours  (I keed! I hope!!!) typing up some vaguely dune-esque names for important personages (emperor adn shit), and to figure out which house holds arrakis and a few likely wheels-within-wheels plots that may be useful jumping off points for a campaign set in 9191....
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GrognardFightingMan

Hell, boy, this is some good shit. Frank Herbert was a cool dude. Had a couple of beers with him once and I still have the copy of Dune he autographed.

Spike

Thanks. I've been letting this sit while I've been busy with other, time wasting, shit, but I'm about due to put in some work, so I called the wiki back up to get me rolling. I'll probably start posting the bare bones of the setting, along with my reasoning, in a few hours, swear!
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Spike

Seeing as this has no rules attached to it, I suppose the first thing I should address is that eternal question 'Why?'.

Why do it at all, when every GM should feel free to make up his own?

Why set it a thousand years before the first film?

Why should anyone listen to me make up a Dune setting when I badmouth Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson so much?

I'll answer in reverse.

Because, Fuck You, I'm awesome as shit.

Because I want to address a simple solution to enjoying a setting without tripping over someone else's plot, and because there would be nothing to do if I set it in the books.

Because sometimes its helpful or even fun to have a jumping off point, a place to start making your changes from? I dunno, because some fuckers are lazy, like me.

Y'know? It sort of feels like I wrote all that just to brag about how awesome I am.. but I'm much to humble for that, so clearly that ain't it.

Anyway, the next big question is what am I doing, exactly?

Well, I'm not going to list out all the Great Houses or all the important planets. There's a damn Wiki on the internet that only covers a tiny portion of the unknowns, and planets don't change much, bro.  No, all I've got to do is present a credible take on the important players and locations that any fan of Dune will want to know about while making it FEEL authentic, as best I can, and dropping in some plots and major political factors for those people who really, really, like C-SPAN.

So, I can't just pop up a name for the current Padishah Emperor, like Emprah Bob, that just won't feel authentic or Dune, but I also can't just slap on a Shaddam the III (or hilariously, Shaddam the VI) and call it a day. Its tempting, mind.  One thing to keep in mind, and weirdly something I think gets missed, espeically in the Prequel novels, is that the Spice extends live fairly significantly. Not a decade here or there, but by 4 freaking TIMES.  Sure, a lot of nobles die to plots, machinations and poisons, but those who live out their lives?  They can reign for a long goddamn time. A thousand years ago today the world was a radically different place, almost thirty generations have passed, but in Dune its more like 8 generations. Its the difference between knowing what life was like in the Court of Charlemange and knowing what life was like in the American Revolutionary War.  


So, to continue my brainstorming for the Padishah Emprah, we've got some sample names from House Corrino. Shaddam (IV, current 10191, obviously), his father Elrood (IX), his nephew? Farad'n (no number, but that isn't an indicator. Assuming a Number is only assigned for the Ruler, either Emperor or Head of House), and a Hassak III, the fifth Padashah Emperor, from way back in what? the first millennium? Going from there we have a Vutier II (Elrood's grandpop), and a Fafnir and an Elliot (who were Shaddam's older brothers I guess), and a Fondil III, Elrood's dad.

Which gives me no good pattern, but plenty of names to draw from to start. Now, What's interesting is that we've actually gotten not quite half way back. Fondil was born in 9843, which means we can put Vutier on the throne as far back as 9600 or so, though that may be pushing it.  Seeing names don't repeat too quickly, we can easily take any of our names and put that, with a single or double place reduction as our Emprah. I'm not too fond of Shaddam III, simply because it LOOKS lazy, even if I can reason it all the way out like this, and I don't really think pulling a Hassak XC or whatever is a good call. Faradn' seems like a good call. It's a canon name from the original books, without being so big and in your face that it looks like a sloppy patch job.  I don't think we know how many Farad'n Emperors there have been, so we'll give him a nice modest number like... VII.  

Now to whip up a personality and some plots and minor characters around him, then to repeat that sort of process with House Atredies, House Harkonnen, the Bene Gesserit and so forth, and to put a House on Arrakis (I already decided on Ordos. Yes, Ordos, from the video game. Because I fucking can. )

So, see you guys in the next post!
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Spike

Ok, so in the years 9191, the Padishah Emperor Farad'n the VII reigns from the Golden Lion Throne on Kaitain.  He has held the throne for just over twenty years and has gotten comfortable in the years since the rather ugly little dynastic spat involving his brothers and a cousin, Fafnir, the count of Giblaz, who currently commands three legions of the Sadukar assigned to Arrakis... to keep him out of trouble.  Farad'n is currently unmarried, which has created something of a scramble among the Houses of the Landsraad to marry into House Corrino.  He is playing a very dangerous game by waiting, however, as he still has relatives with strong claims to the throne alive and with political support. Without an heir it is far more tempting to try and kill him and take a chance on the dynastic chips falling in their favor.

Farad'n is proving to be a competent and fair minded Emperor, though with a hard ruthless streak. He seems very interested in weakening the hold the Spacing Guild has on, well, space as well as breaking the power of the Landsraad, preferrably by setting the Great Houses against one another.  Among the Great Houses he has no friends or allies, only... as he sees it... future victims, though he can smile as he stabs his would be allies in the back, when the time comes.   He is still looking for an angle on the Spacing Guild, thus far his only 'plan' is to allow Spice Production to fall low enough that they will demand his intervention... at which point he will squeeze concessions from them, preferrably concessions that they will not realize are traps.

He is advised in part by his brother Venius, who supported him in his bid for the throne, and who has been a loyal ally since they were young, though they have different mothers. Venius was trained by the Bene Gesserit as a Mentat, though he still holds titles.  THe Emperor's spymaster and greatest asset is Count Logan Halfrung, though the Count has his own ambitions.  The Emperor prefers not to keep Bene Gesserit advisors nearby, and relies on his sister Juliana Halfrung (count Halfrung's wife) as a go between with the Order. She is reputed to be a truthsayer herself.


Arrakis:

Currently the Siridar Fief of House Ordos. Duke Elian Ordos had not intention of moving his seat to Arrakis, or himself... in part because Ordos is the third House to control Arrakis since Emperor Farad'n took the throne. He had intended to place his nephew, Baron Gousce Vantia, a dull but exceedingly capable administrator, in full charge of the spice planet.  However, Emperor Farad'n gave the traditional Ordos seat of Hamydrya to House Belacosa to hold, forcing Ordos off world for the time.  This especially irritates Duke Elian, as he has a personal vendetta, a Kanly claim against Duke Hassik Belacosa over piracy against Ordos goods.

Compounding the issue for Duke Elian is the presence of Prince Fafnir Corrino, leading three legions of Sadukar.  The prince is in exile and regularly spends his days hunting Fremen for sport in the deep desert with his Legions, which drives the nomads to attack the Spice Miners and processing outposts.  Duke Elian has been forced to begin recalling all operations and running them entirely from Arakeen in order to maintain spice production at all.

Duke Elian is a robust man of almost 300 years, though he has only ruled his house for the last century due to the exceedingly long reign of his grandfather.  Duke Elian has been married twice and buried both his wives, the second after she attempted to poison him to put her favorite son in his seat, and now he maintains only a single concubine, the Lady Valentina.  Elian has three grown sons who are not on Arrakis, serving various house interests in the Galaxy, but his second oldest, Tarco Ordos, and heir is frequently by his side.   Duke Elian has some cybernetics, including his eyes which are obviously mechanical, some say he had them torn out when they turned blue-in-blue.  


House Atredies:

Currently held by Dmetrios Atreides, a young and vigorous duke in his middle fifties.  Dmetrios is a patron of the bull fighting arenas on Caladan, and has fought a few times to the delight of the crowds, though he currently is focused on other things.  Dmetrios is much beloved of his people, but is at odds with his advisors and Household, most of whom served his recently assassinated father.  Dmetrios believes that the Harkonnen are responsible, which is reasonable (and in this case, wrong...), and is considering luring the Harkonnen into attacking more openly, treating the Kanly as he would a bullfight. His own Master of Assassins, the Mentat Ramio Luzon consistently advises a slower, subtler approach and has his suspicions about the death of Duke Io Atreides.   Dmetrios is betrothed to Dame Uwei Ecaz, though the two have never met, they have exchanged polite letters.  This is a matter of some difficulty, as both Duke Dmetrios and Dame Uwei have given their hearts to others.  Dmetrios has, for at least the last decade, carried on a rather passionate affair... in small doses during Landsraad meetings, with the Baroness Helena Richese, a woman several years his senior, while the Dame Ecaz is reputedly carrying on with a member of her Household staff...

House Harkonnen:

Count Hyram Rabban, who prefers to use his original title and, defying the normal expectations of his house, his family name rather than the House Name, is a svelte vicious man, a very well preserved 130 years or so of age.  He is, of course, an inheritor of his House's ancient Kanly against the Atreides, but is currently unconcerned... he rather thinks old Duke Io Atreides did him a favor by killing his cousin, the Baron Ivan Harkonnen, twenty years ago in a duel at the Landsraad, and allowing him to take control over the House.  Hyram is a sybarite in the worst senses of the word, indulging in every whim and passion that pleases him. Indeed, he is a widower, having murdered his Bene Gesserit wife shortly after she bore him a son just to see what it would feel like, strangling her to death during sex.  He has raised his own son to be as vile as he is.

Despite this he is a very capable administrator.  He demands loyalty from his Household, from his advisors and underlinings, even over competence. Those who are loyal but incompetent are found positions where their lack of ability is not a hindrance, while those who prove disloyal in any way, even down to the humblest of lies to cover a minor failing, are killed, usually in some inventive fashion.   For all this, he seems to despise Geidi Prime, preferring Lankiveil, though it is rumored that his main entertainment on his trips to that world are watching the fur-whales being slaughtered and skinned.  

Still, under his guidance, the fortunes of the House have risen, and with it his political fortunes.  House Harkonnen, and its bloody Count, may not be well liked in the Landsraad, but he can command votes and allies in a way few Harkonnen in history have.  Whatever demons drive him, they have not robbed him of his wits or ability.

Bene Gesserit:
Current Mother Superior, unknown. It is believed by outsiders who are aware of the inner workings of the BG that the current Mother Superior is quite old, possibly even dying, and they expect a brief period of confusion from the order as the torch passes.  The BG are currently in a sort of retreat in the public sphere, and fewer Reverend Mothers are working as advisors in the Noble Houses than at any time in the last thousand years or more... something they are surely keen to rectify.  The current passivity is believed by some to be a result of some ancient prophecy or perhaps a plot that is occupying all their attentions.

The Spacing Guild:

To begin with the Spacing Guild is well aware of what the Emperor's plans are, thanks to their prescience.  You might say it amuses them more than anything else, but they've been making an extra effort to secure additional spice against the expected drop in supply, even going so far as to prepare their own 'smuggler fleets', rather than simply taxing the existing smugglers.  They'd rather see the Landsraad bring Emperor Farad'n to heel than do it themselves, as they foresee future difficulties, where too many abuses of their monopoly will begin causing them trouble with the Nobles, to include future Emperors.  

The Spacing Guild has placed a capable man in charge of their operations in this matter,  Fourth Class Pilot's Mate Jaimes Wolfram, only a low level psychic himself, but one very familiar with the Spice Smugglers (he was on a Smuggler's crew before joining the Guild).  Jaimes Wolfram is as pale and sickly as most Spacing Guild members, with a massive cybernetic arm. He always keeps a pistol under his robes and is a remarkably dangerous man with gun or blade.   Despite his rough origins, he is a fanatic and is willing to die for the Guild, to ensure the Spice Flows, as he himself feels that he is not worthy/capable of becoming a navigator himself.



Howzat for a start?  I took a few ideas from the Qing dynasty of china for the dynastic struggles of the Padishah Emperor, and I'm thinking I went a bit too far with the 'evil' of the Harkonnen, but as i was deliberately reversing the aggressor in this ancient Kanly for this era, I almost felt obliged to stiffen him up a bit.  Actually, I'm thinking I covered what I said I was going to cover... but I can expand some things if anyone's got requests.
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Simlasa

This is all very inspiring to me. Not that I want to run a Dune setting, but as tweaks and ideas for Fading Suns and Dark Heresy it's a great little vein of ore to mine. Thanks for writing it.

Spike

Oh sure. I'll probably never make use of it either, I'd actually rather just play Fading Suns as is, and of my gaming friends I don't know anyone who geeks out on Dune as much as I do.  

I'm thinking this is done, and I may probably put a link to the thread in mah sticky over in design.  Lord knows I put enough time into it to justify keeping track of it!
For you the day you found a minor error in a Post by Spike and forced him to admit it, it was the greatest day of your internet life.  For me it was... Tuesday.

For the curious: Apparently, in person, I sound exactly like the Youtube Character The Nostalgia Critic.   I have no words.

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