Some of you from rpg.net may be familiar with the great and glorious Al Bruno the Third, and his horrific stories of horrific horror with horribly horrific horrors of gamers. Well, he's posted a prequel to tell us how he met them all. It's a beautiful story.

Unfortunately we don't have a "gamer fiction" section in the forums, and amusing as it'd be it to post it in the "actual play" part, I pray not.

Oh and if anyone has links to his other stories, or some places where they're collected... let us know! Definitely Big List of RPG Links material!
   
WARNING; PREQUEL TRILOGIES ARE RARELY AS MUCH FUN AS THE ORIGINALS, PLUS I JUST DRANK A WHOLE CASE OF ROBOTUSSIN.

Rant#0.1 The Creep on the Borderlands


It was the final spring of the Regan administration, a year that brought us the high art of ‘Mystery Science Theater’ and the unending reign of terror that was ‘Rosanne’. College had been kind for me, I had an active social life, an influential place on the college literary magazine’s review board and I even went to the occasional class. Everything was great until my fiancée left me; it might not have hurt so much if she had left me for someone better but instead she left me for the idea that there simply HAD to be someone better. I tried to accept her wishes with maturity and dignity but sadly maturity and dignity don’t mix well with crying and begging.

One of my literary magazine pals was named Weasly Crusher, and after a few months of hanging out on campus he invited me to join his weekly Dungeons and Dragons game. Now I will admit I was so certain I would never game again that I sold all of my RPG books but the loss of my fiancée had left me longing for life’s simpler pleasures – so after I renewed my subscription of JUGGS magazine and watching every episode of ‘The Trial of a Time Lord’ back to back, I decided to join Weasly’s game.

Weasly and I carpooled to the game, he gave directions I drove. The house we were going to was on the border between the towns of Colonie and Watervliet. The town of Watervliet, New York had long been supported by the munitions factory in the heart of the town, a whole community had sprung up around the Watervliet Arsenal, but as fortunes dwindled and jobs moved elsewhere, the once bustling neighborhoods had begun to dwindle into decrepitude. In other words, it was kind of a dump.


Weasly Crusher: “This is the place. Just park anywhere.”

Me: “This is like the only house with any lights on, on the whole street. Are all the houses in foreclosure?”

Weasly Crusher: “No I think some are condemned.”


I parked battered Monte Carlo under a streetlight and followed Weasly into the modest two story house. The front door was unlocked but Weasly did some kind of coded handshake before actually walking inside. The lower level of the house bare, no furniture, rugs or anything. Weasly led me upstairs where I found furnishings, light and the rest of the gaming group.


Weasly Crusher: “Well Ab3, this is our Dungeon Master Psycho Dave.

Me: “Nice to meet you.”

Psycho Dave: “Ab3? That isn’t a Teutonic name is it?”

Me: “No. I’m Polish and Italian.”

Psycho Dave: “Oh… how unfortunate for you. Still thought I’m sure you’re a good worker.”

Weasly Crusher: “That guy over there with the unnaturally thick moustache is Deviant Boy.”


I smiled and gave him a thumbs up, Deviant Boy returned the gesture by raising his right hand to shoulder level with the palm facing inward.


Deviant Boy: “Tal.”

Weasly Crusher: “The fella over there mixing drinks is The Amazing Boozehound.”

Me: “Howdy.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Hey welcome to the team. What are you drinking?”

Me: “A soda would be fine.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Scotch and soda got it.”

Me: “No just soda.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Weird… ok here you go. One soda.”

Me: “You… you got cigarette ashes in my drink…”

Johnny Tangent: “You know in Buffalo they call soda ‘pop’.”

Weasly Crusher: “And the guy in the Night Ranger t-shirt is Johnny Tangent.”

Me: “Night Ranger was a bitchin’ band.”

Johnny tangent: “Really? I hate them, I just wear the T-shirt to remind me my character class.”

Me: “Well look at the time. I should probably…”

Weasly Crusher: “Hey! You Just got here.”

Me: “Oh yeah.”


So I found a seat as Psycho Dave got his game setup. I took a moment to get acquainted with my surroundings. The room was very Star Trek intensive, but always with little bits of Psycho Dave’s personality peeking through. For instance there were framed photographs of Kirk and Spock all over the walls but most of the pictures were scenes from the original series episode “Patterns of Force”. Similarly the bookshelves around the room were alternately filled with Star Trek books, role playing games and folios detailing the horrifying air war of the Luftwaffe. The centerpiece of the room however was what I initially took to be a crystal statue representation of Star Trek’s Galileo shuttlecraft. The light seemed to reflect strangely on the clear glass surfaces and something within those surfaces seemed to be moving.


Me: “Are those… Sea-Monkeys?

Psycho Dave: “We don’t use the term Sea-Monkeys in polite company, the correct term is brine shrimp.”

Me: “I didn’t know they made fish tanks for Sea… I mean brine shrimp… in the shape of Star Trek ships.”

Psycho Dave: “I had it specially made. I cashed in some saving bonds my grandparents had left for me.”

Deviant Boy: “The man loves his little fishies.”

Psycho Dave: “Technically brine shrimp are branchiopods but I do love the resilience of them. Their eggs can be torn away from their home environment and stored away for years but as soon as the conditions are right they come crashing back to life… much like white power in so many ways.”

Me: “Uh what?”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Don’t let it phase you, but our beloved Dungeon Master is a bit of a white supremacist. He has been ever since he failed the fireman’s entrance exam.”

Me: “Uh, What?”

Psycho Dave: “Affirmative action cost me that job.”

Me: “Well look at the time…”

Weasly Crusher: “We just got here…”

Me: “Damn it.”


The game started with character generation, I rolled up a simple dwarf fighter for a character and we got started. Psycho Dave had just started setting the scene when another player showed up. He was unshaved, dressed in raggedly clothes and smelled strongly of pirogues and cheap aftershave.


Johnny Tangent: “What is that smell? It reminds me of a fire in a restaurant or clowns crying or something.”

Deviant Boy: “El Disgusto! What the hell have you gotten yourself into?”

El Disgusto: “Don’t get in my face syphilis factory. I passed out while cooking and I got kind of saturated.”

Weasly Crusher: “Then why didn’t you just change your clothes?”

El Disgusto: “Well Duh! Because my parents are on vacation with the dog and my bitch of a Mom didn’t finish folding my laundry before she left.”

Me: “Oh.”

El Disgusto: “You’re in my spot newbie.”

Me: “This is a couch.”

El Disgusto: “No newbie. This is a love seat and even if I was not in a splayin’ frame of mind I would now be sitting on a love seat with a dude.”

Me: “I’ll be over here.”

El Disgusto: “Badass thy name is Disgusto…”

Weasly Crusher: “And that’s the name of his character too.”

Me: “El Disgusto?”

Weasly Crusher: “No Badass.”

El Disgusto: “Lord Baron Whoopass Von Baddass the first.”

Weasly Crusher: “And my character is a thief named Nine Fingers Rodney.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “My character is named Dean and he wields a mythral tankard!”

Johnny Tangent: “And I’m playing a fighter.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Pssst… check your shirt.”

Johnny Tangent: “Oh… I’m a bard?”

Deviant Boy: “And I am playing a female fighter named Deb Sonia. She lives by the sword and has vowed she will remain a virgin until a man bests her in single combat.”

Me: “Well that’s not original but it’s an interesting concept.”

Deviant Boy: “Of course since she has a Charisma 18 that means she has tons and tons of anal sex.”

Psycho Dave: “Shall we begin? The adventure begins when you all arrive at Castellan Keep at the base of the Altan Tepe mountains … but question is do you arrive? Do you? Only my Pre-Mountaineering Random Event Generator can tell us for sure. Please get out a d8 and a d20.”


I admit this wasn’t the way I was used to playing the game but I felt I had to adapt, after all in the first game I ran we all played D&D versions of ourselves. My first Dungeon Master had us perform feats of endurance and strength to gauge where we fell in the 3-18 range, our Constitution was determined by holding our hand over an open flame. The more seconds you held it, the more points in Constitution you had, but inversely the less Wisdom points you had because you were, after all, burning your hand for a stupid game.

Dice were rolled; charts and sub charts were consulted


The Amazing Boozehound: “Damn frost weasels, well I am sure my pc didn’t need that hand anyway.”

Johnny Tangent: “Frostbite? Wow. That reminds me of that movie with Kurt Russell and the shape shifter that turned out to be that old man that was protecting the alien cocoons because he was friends with Mahoney from the police academy. I wonder how it ended…”

Deviant Boy: “It sure was lucky for my character to encounter that herd of snow sheep, I like the way my character was able to…”

Me: “Please for the love of God don’t describe it again.”

Weasly Crusher: “I am not sure I understand how my character ended up falling through a portal to the Sudetenland. How do I get back?”

Psycho Dave: “You don’t. Your character spends his entire life in a strange land he barely understands and dies alone and afraid.”

Weasly Crusher: “So I just sit here then?”

Psycho Dave: “Quietly please.”

Me: “So my character was mugged while walking along a glacier.”

Psycho Dave: “You’re lucky that was all the ice negroes did to you.”

Me: “Can you please not say crap like that?”

Psycho Dave: “Say what?”

Me: “That racist stuff. It’s just… creepy.”

Psycho Dave: “Oh I’m sorry I thought we had freedom of speech in this country. I didn’t realize that only Oprah and the liberal illuminati could say whatever they wanted.”


Me: “Look its just mean and it adds nothing to the game.”

Psycho Dave: “Weasly told me you were a writer so I thought you could be open minded.”

Me: “Open minded to what?”

Psycho Dave: “To differing viewpoints and ideas. I guess none of the stories you write will have characters with non touchy-feely points of view. They’ll probably hold hands and sway while talking about their love for puppies and kittens.”

Me: “Look. If I ever do write a story that has a character with prejudiced views I will probably cringe the entire time and then drink a bottle of Robitussin to drown out the shame.”

Deviant Boy: “Don’t worry Ab3 once I unlock the secrets of the Unified Porn Theory humanity will learn to love each other and themselves and socks filled with warm liver again.”

El Disgusto: “Blah blah blah. My ninja makes it to the keep with only a trail of bodies to mark his passing.”

Me: “You’re playing a ninja?”

El Disgusto: “I said ninja didn’t I?”

Me: “You mean the ninja from the Dragon magazine article a few years back?”

El Disgusto: “Yes.”

Me: “I thought they were only supposed to be used as NPCs.”

El Disgusto: “Damn newbie, you just don’t know when to quit do you?”

Psycho Dave: “Enough of this. Lets all get back to the tales of high adventure –except you Weasly.”


We spent a few hours having our characters meet up, explore the keep and buy new equipment. Our party decided to try and raid the nearby kobold lairs for easy treasure but first we needed to think about taking some precautions.


Me: “No I don’t mean those kind of precautions Deviant Boy.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Well none of us wanted to play a cleric.”

El Disgusto: “Because Clerics are wussies.”

Johnny Tangent: “A perm! That’s what I need.”

Deviant Boy: “Well we could hire a cleric, maybe a Vestigial Virgin.”

Me: “That’s not the way… never mind. Let’s just hire a cleric and get on with it.”

Deviant Boy: “No wait. What’s wrong?”

Me: “Nothing really lets go on.”

Deviant Boy: “You rolled your eyes, what were you rolling your eyes at.”

Me: “Nothing. It,s just that you said ‘Vestigial Virgin’ when the term you were looking for is ‘Vestal Virgin’.”

Deviant Boy: “Really? Are you sure?”

Me: “Yup. I read it in my local library.”

Psycho Dave: “Oh my God. You go to the LIBRARY?”

Me: “Yes, of course.”

Psycho Dave: “Librarians are fascists.”

Wesley Crusher: “Oh no. Here we go.”

Me: “Librarians are fascists. Ok. Since every moment I spend here I feel a little stupider so lets just go for it. What is wrong with libraries?”

El Disgusto: “Well duh. They make you get a library card.”

Me: “Yes. So you can check out books. Which is what libraries are. They’re places where you can borrow books for free as long as you have a library card.”

Johnny Tangent: “They have drinking fountains in libraries.”

Psycho Dave: “Well the problem we have with libraries is the whole library card issue.”

El Disgusto: “They automatically assume you’re a criminal.”

Me: “I’m not understanding this.”

Psycho Dave: “Ok look. The library card is a way they can track you right?”

Me: “Yes so they know where to find you if you don’t return the books you borrow.”

Psycho Dave: “So since they make everyone get a library card they’re assuming that everyone that walks into the library is a criminal.”

El Disgusto: “The honor system should be enough.”

Me: “The honor system?”

Psycho Dave: “The people that steal books are going to steal books anyway…”

El Disgusto: “We sure are.”

Psycho Dave: “…the only thing a library card does is inconvenience honest people and allow the government to track the number of people reading Fanny Hill vs the number of people reading Mien Kampf.”

Me: “I’m stunned.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “I can’t feel my fingertips. Someone else is going to have to map.”

El Disgusto: “Newbie does it.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “Newbie does it.”

Johnny Tangent: “Hey I’m wearing a Night Ranger T-shirt!”

Wesley Crusher: “I could map.”

Psycho Dave: “No you can’t you’re not here.”

Wesley Crusher: “Oh.”


So I started mapping, tracking our party and its NPC Cleric as we made our way through lizard man territory into the Caves of Chaos. Everything went fine until we encountered a certain pit trap.


Me: “OK the pit sealed up trapping the Cleric inside, I think we can rescue him if we get some ropes and daggers and…”

El Disgusto: “No we’re moving on.”

Me: “But…”

El Disgusto: “First of all its and NPC and second of all, the entire Cleric did all it’s heals for the day so who cares?”

Me: “But the members of the Church of G. Gordon Liddy will want to know what happened.”

Johnny Tangent: “But there’s treasure and combat awaiting.”

Me: “Look I like to think you would rescue my character if this was… No, you wouldn’t would you?”

The Amazing Boozehound: “It’s every man for himself Ab3.”


The party moved on and I tried to ignore the imaginary cries of the imaginary non player character trapped forever in a make believe pit but sometimes in the dead of night it still haunts me.

We moved on, fighting kobold after kobold until we reached the heart of their lair. Everyone was diving for treasure, trying out magic items at random.


Deviant Boy: “All right. Wand of wonder! I’ll be playing with this baby all night.”

El Disgusto: “Ah a bag of holding. All I need to find now is a folding boat and a shambling mound and my mega-weapon will be complete.”

The Amazing Boozehound: “I love mixing potions. What size and alignment am I now?”

Johnny Tangent: “All I found was this Wand of Orcus thing. Who wants to trade?”

Me: “Ok guys I think I found a secret door.”

Psycho Dave: “Very good roll to unlock it… nice roll Ab3.”

Me: “Thanks …”

El Disgusto: “We shove Ab3’s character through the door first.”

Me: “What?”

Psycho Dave: “You find yourself alone in a swastika shaped treasure room…”

Me: “Oh look at the time! I really have to go. I’ve got to get up for church in a few hours.”

Wesley Crusher: “But it’s a Tuesday.”

Me: “Shut up. We’re out of here.”


Psycho Dave walked us down the stairs and through the empty lower level of his house.


Psycho Dave: “Well thanks for coming. Hope you had fun and learned something.”

Weasly Crusher: “Same time next week right?”

Psycho Dave: “As always.”

Me: “I don’t know if I can be here next week. I mean I used to role play but I just don’t think this is the hobby for me any more.”

Psycho Dave: “Oh. I see. Well it was nice to meet you then.”

Me: “Yeah thanks.”


Weasly Crusher and I made our way out to the car and I thought to myself that it was time to jump back into the thick of things. It was time to finish college and get back into the dating world. I certainly didn’t need to be wasting the precious moments of my life doing this any longer.

Oh yeah. That’s what I thought but we all know things turned out differently.

Great Christmas gift! Love ABIII's stories.

Entertaining.

I love Ab3.  He's apparrently the only one willing to portray gaming as it actually is.

Quote"Lord Baron Whoopass Von Baddass the first."

Awesome.

Also... uh... I don't think I've ever met a white supremacist. Outside the internet, anyway.

Quote from: beejazzI don't think I've ever met a white supremacist. Outside the internet, anyway.

I have. I've sometimes met them through them wanting gaming. But they fail my "two out of three" test, that to game with me the person must be able to maintain at least two out of three of spouse, job and friends. If they have none or just one of those for years on end, then they're socially fucked up and I don't want to game with them. The white supremacists have always failed at that test.

The ones I met outside gaming also were fucked-up socially.

I fail your two out of three test.

EDIT: I'm employed. Too young for a wife and since high school a social life doesn't just happen on its own... still figuring that latter part out.

For years on end?

Anyone can go through a year or two of their lives where they miss out on these things. And often if you lose a job or spouse, you lose the other things, too. But a normally socialised person will pick themselves up after a year or two and sort themselves out.

Al Bruno provides us with crazy characters, but they are recognisably real people - just caricatured, that's all.

Quote from: Kyle AaronFor years on end?

Thankfully not.

QuoteAl Bruno provides us with crazy characters, but they are recognisably real people - just caricatured, that's all.

Yeah... I've met tangent guys. And obsessive fans. Whole thing really gave me a chuckle.

Oh well then you'd pass the test. Like I said, anyone can have a shitty year or two. Hell, when you move to a new city or country it's usually for one of job or spouse, only occasionally for friends, but only ever just for one of them - so you'll be missing the other two until you settle in. That's no shame, and no reflection on you. But if you go for several years missing two or three of them, then you've got problems. And since I am a Cheetoist, I specifically exclude "group therapy" from why I game.

I just require that the person generally have their shit together. Whether they happen to have it together at this particular moment doesn't matter, just that they can manage it in the long run. If you can't keep two of job, spouse or friends, it's probably because you're annoying, or unreliable, or just generally fucked-up. That's great for Al Bruno stories, not so much fun to encounter in real life.

And here's another one, The Dead Guy Gets the Pizza and he also gives links to the other stories.
    Her name was Mary, Mary Celeste, and she had alluring eyes, an intoxicating figure and a high pitched squeal of a laugh that could knock birds out of the sky.

But hey no one's 100% perfect so I asked her out. She agreed, we exchanged numbers and planned to meet for dinner that Friday. I got a new shirt, a new tie and a few dabs of a cologne called 'Midnight Surrender'. Oh yeah I was ready.

Too bad she never showed up. I waited for about half an hour then called her place with no answer, so I went back to the bar. By the fourth hour of doing this with still no word from her I began to realize that I had been stood up; ironically however I was at that point too damn drunk to stand.

Saturday morning I woke up with a bruised ego and a killer hangover but I promised myself that I would find out what went wrong, but first I had to figure out what part of town I was in, who had handcuffed me to the shopping cart and why my underpants were on outside my pants.

When I called Mary she apologized profusely and explained she had thought the date was for tonight. I told her that was fine by me and I made sure I was back at the restaurant an hour early this time. As you can imagine the staff was a little surprised to see me again and they made me promise not to engage in any further drunken displays of anger and interpretive dance. I promised.

So I stayed alcohol free as one hour of waiting became two and then three. Each time I called her house there was no answer. Suddenly my life had become a Genesis song. Discouraged and disheartened I turned to the hardest intoxicant I knew for solace- Dungeons & Dragons.

I found Psycho Dave's house easily and got there just in time to rejoin the game.


Psycho Dave: "Welcome back. The other players have only slightly looted your characters belongings."

Me: "Well now that I'm here I'm sure I can get them back."

El Disgusto: "The only way your character gets his stuff back from my ninja is if he can survive the five challenges of death. Those challenges being his fingers curled into a fist."

Me: "Fine then."

El Disgusto: "Meaning of course that he could kill you with his bare hands."

Me: "I got that."

El Disgusto: "His. Bare. Hands."

Me: "Why do you still smell like aftershave and perogies? Haven't you changed your clothes since last week?"

El Disgusto: "I just got 'Pool of Radiance' for my Amiga so I've been busy."

Me: "Too busy to change your clothes? You can pause those games you know."

El Disgusto: "The question for you newbie is will you be able to pause the bleeding? Will you?"

Me: "Wow. That is either the worst Clint Eastwood or best Snake Plisken impersonation I've ever heard."

Psycho Dave: "Please find a seat so we can get started. We are going to order some take out later."

Me: "Mind if I sit here?"

Deviant Boy: "It's a free country."

Me: "Thanks."

Deviant Boy: "What is that cologne you're wearing?"

Me: "Uhm it's called, 'Midnight Surrender'."

Deviant Boy: "Awesome, you know if I was a chick I would be totally wet for you now."

Me: "Hey Weasly! Mind if I sit by you?"


Psycho Dave had the top off of his crystal shuttlecraft/fish tank; he sprinkled food in to the Sea Monkeys as he waited for us to get settled down. I noticed there was someone new at the table.


Me: "Oh, I don't think we've been introduced."

Cheating Bastard: "Nice to meet you. I'm Cheating Bastard."

Me: "They call me Ab3."

El Disgusto: "But do they call you Ab3? Do they really? I doubt it."

Me: "What is your problem?"

Cheating Bastard: "El Disgusto hasn't been the same since they canceled that Lee van Cleef TV series."

Me: "Uh... ok."

El Disgusto: "Besides one more player means less treasure and glory for the rest of us."

Weasly Crusher: "But there's strength in numbers."

The Amazing Boozehound: "You know what there's strength in? That mesh they have in the back of the police cars that keeps you from touching the officer."

Me: "So, where is Johnny Tangent?"

Weasly Crusher: "Well the Monkees came to town on their reunion tour so Johnny decided to follow them cross country."

Me: "That is utterly insane"

Psycho Dave: "I thought so too."

Me: "I mean Mike Nesmith isn't even with the touring band."


The game picked up pretty much where we had left off, deep in the Caves of Chaos, deep in Kobold territory.


Weasly Crusher: "This new character of mine is much better then the old one. I'm glad you found him chained to a wall in the swastika shaped treasure room."

Me: "Yeah and we found new weapons and armor better then the old ones."

Cheating Bastard: "Who wants a plus one sword? My character already has one."

El Disgusto: "If it's not a katana it's not really a plus anything."

Me: "How did your character start with a plus one sword and MY GOD look at those stats!"

Cheating Bastard: "Thank you."

Me: "Eighteen everything?"

Cheating Bastard: "The dice were kind."

Me: "I'm speechless."

Psycho Dave: "Your characters make your way out of the treasure room back into the dungeon. Can I have your marching orders please?"

El Disgusto: "The newbies go up front. I do my best work in the shadows."

Me: "I think that's how you photograph best too."

Deviant Boy: "I keep both hands on my wand of wonder."

The Amazing Boozehound: "My wizard ties a rope to his familiar and begins to swing it around like a flail."

Weasly Crusher: "That poor kitty."

Psycho Dave: "A group of kobolds attacks you. Everyone roll..."


The combat was brief but bloody, my dwarf made the best of his combat modifiers, until he was standing atop a mound of dead kobolds his armor and weapons gleaming with the blood of his enemies. Cheating bastard waded into the mass of the kobold horde, his claymore sweeping aside six at a time, those that weren't cleaved in half were sent crashing into the nearby cave walls. Every once in a while El Disgusto's ninja would leap out of the shadows, miss what he was aiming at and then retreat sneering back into the darkness. Even Weasly Crusher scored several kills before his sword broke; the blade tumbled free of its hilt, tumbling end over end until it severed the rope tied to the tail of the Amazing Boozehound's cat. Then it was the cat's turn to go flying through the air and it struck Deviant Boy's female human fighter in the back. This in turn caused 'Deb Sonia' to fumble with the wand of wonder and cast a large fireball into the wall that then rebounded back on all of us.


Weasly Crusher: "Wow that was a lot of damage. I have like one hit point left."

Me: "All our treasure melted, all our equipment burned..."

El Disgusto: "How could Von Badass be hurt? He was in the shadows, you can't touch a ninja in the shadows."

Psycho Dave: "Fireball spells in enclosed spaces are the great equalizer."

The Amazing Boozehound: "All my robes and spell books are gone. Does my character still have his hip flask of holding?"

Psycho Dave: "Sorry."

The Amazing Boozehound: "There is no God."

Cheating Bastard: "Well at least I and all my equipment made their saving throws,"

Me: "I want to use your dice for a day."

Cheating Bastard: "Not a chance. I've got them just how I like them."

Deviant Boy: "I still can't believe that 'Deb Sonia' would have allowed a wand go off prematurely in her hand like that."

Me: "Do you have sex on the brain or something?"

Deviant Boy: "Well let me answer that by saying..."

The Amazing Boozehound: "Oh no, you got him started, someone fix me a drink!"

Deviant Boy: "...it is very simple, I believe if you don't have sex on the brain there is something wrong with you. Sex is the inspiration and end result of all of humanities efforts. Why do men seek fame and fortune? To get laid. Why do professional athletes risk their long term health for the sake of a game? To get laid? Why is there any kind of art in the world at all? So doofy guys can get laid. Desire for sex, fear of sex and even failure to get sex is at the heart of everything."

Me: "That is a little goofy if you ask me."

El Disgusto: "If that's true then why are any of us here playing role playing games? It's not going to get any of us laid."

Deviant Boy: "Ah but the reason any of us is here is because we can't get laid and have nothing better to do."

El Disgusto: "Up yours. I had a girlfriend."

Me: "Oh come on. You?"

El Disgusto: "Yeah we met in the SCA but I had to let her go. A stallions' gotta roam free."

Me: "Ow my brain! My beautiful brain!"

Deviant Boy: "I have a theory I am researching, I call it the Unified Porn Theory. I believe that if we can create a single erotic image that appeals to everyone it will trigger world peace."

Psycho Dave: "I've always said that your mind dwells in a realm somewhere between the realms of Larry Flynt and Isaac Asimov."

Me: "Anyone else have any crazy ideas they'd like to share before we get back to the game?"

Deviant Boy: "Laugh now but you won't be laughing in ten years when America is involved in a series of wars across the globe. You'll say to yourself 'Damn, that guy with the huge honking Johnson was right!'"

Me: "No I won't because you're crazy."

Deviant Boy: "All you have to do is study erotic imagery and it becomes so obvious. Take a look at the porno films being made in Europe and Japan now. In the majority of them the money shot is created by the woman bringing the man to climax one way or another...

Me: "Why are we having this discussion?"

Deviant Boy: "Now hear me out Ab3... The modern American porno film is a different animal. Most of the time it is the man who finishes himself off for the money shot. Now there is so much more going on at the heart of these images than women being sprayed with love gravy. Why is the American porn film so different? Because these are the subconscious signs of a nation afraid of losing its sovereignty, a nation so unwilling to surrender control of itself that if can't even bear to see a man surrender control of his veiny-love banger to the actress performing with him in a triple X rated movie. That my friends is a sign of a nation on the brink."

Me: "Oh. My. God."

Weasly Crusher: "You're lucky. When he told us about his theory he had slides."


Some mild shouting from Psycho Dave got us back on track, our gravely wounded characters gingerly made their way back out of the dungeon and made camp for the night.


Deviant Boy: "I hope we don't get any encounters tonight. If we do were finished."

Me: "Yeah it's too bad we didn't leave our cleric to die in a pit trap last session."

El Disgusto: "If his god had wanted him to live he would have gotten him out of there."

Psycho Dave: "Clerics are the red shirts of the D&D system. Always have been."

Me: "I don't think that's fair."

Psycho Dave: "Then why aren't you playing one?"

Me: "Well... I don't know..."

Deviant Boy: "I'm hungry. I thought we were getting pizza."

El Disgusto: "Sounds good to me."

The Amazing Boozehound: "And wings!"

El Disgusto: "Even better."

Psycho Dave: "Well it's more expensive if we have it delivered, one of you should go get the food."

The Amazing Boozehound: "Well I can't drive, I'm drunk."

Psycho Dave: "The DM shouldn't have to drive in these situations."

Cheating Bastard: "Well I drove in with El Disgusto."

El Disgusto: "Bad enough I'm chipping in for pizza, now way am I wasting gas too."

Weasly Crusher: "Well I suppose I could go."

Me: "Nah I'm the new guy. I'll go."

Weasly Crusher: "No. You barely know the neighborhood I'll go."

Me: "No really I think –"

El Disgusto: "Weasly's character has like one hit point right? I kill him."

Psycho Dave: "OK roll to hit."

Me: "Wait? What?"

Weasly Crusher: "But he was almost second level..."

Psycho Dave: "Weasly your character is dead, since there are no clerics nearby you may add your character sheet to the binder of shame."

Me: "What the Hell just happened here?"

El Disgusto: "It's called 'Dead guy gets the pizza', he was going to slow us down and die anyway so I just streamlined things. Besides this way waiting for him won't slow down play."

Cheating Bastard: "Tough break Weasly."

The Amazing Boozehound: "Later dude. I feel like I hardly knew the character you were playing this session."

Deviant Boy: "Tough break... again."

Wesley Crusher: "Oh well. Let's everyone chip in and I'll head off."

El Disgusto: "Didn't I say 'Dead guy GETS the pizza'? I know for a fact you've got plenty of cash."

Wesley Crusher: "But that's the money I need to uses to buy my insulin tomorrow."

Me: "You know I have a few bucks right here..."

El Disgusto: "For God's sake am I the only person here that knows how to be a man? Weasly go get the food. Trust me if you are going to let a little thing like diabetes effect your health then you were never meant to live anyway."

Weasly Crusher: "Well... ok."


Me: "What exactly is a Binder of Shame? And why is it so large?"

Psycho Dave: "Every D&D game has many binders but each D&D game must have a Binder of Shame and a Binder of Glory. The player characters that die heroic deaths are saved forever in the page protectors of the Binder of Glory. The characters that suffer, humiliating, soul-crushing deaths go into the Binder of Shame. It's a sign of quality GMing to have a Binder of Shame three times the size of your Binder of Glory."


Once Weasly had left on his errand the game was on its way again. Our characters made it through the night with only one casualty- that being Weasly's thief. When it was my watch I removed the body of Nine Fingers Rodney from the tree he had been tied to so El Disgusto's ninja could have shuriken practice and buried him out in the woods.

When the morning came we discovered we had a vistor.


Psycho Dave: "And the cleric of the Church of G. Gordon Liddy asks to speak with the party. He has questions."

Cheating Bastard: "Sure we'll tell him whatever he wants to know, after the rest of my team gets some cure light wounds."

El Disgusto: "Your team? I though we were going to be Force Whoopass from Greyhawk."

Me: "Wouldn't something like that first entail your character telling us his name."

El Disgusto: "You losers don't deserve to know his name!"

Psycho Dave: "The cleric heals your party and then asks you if about the cleric you hired a few days ago. Apparently the members of the church are very worried he isn't going to make it back alive."

The Amazing Boozehound: "Heh-heh... what cleric?"

Me: "Did we even get that cleric's name before we left him to die?"

Deviant Boy: "It was Derek."

Me: "Derek the cleric?"

Cheating Bastard: "I tell this guy... what was his name again?"

Psycho Dave: "His name is Eric."

Me: "Eric the cleric?"

El Disgusto: "Why even give NPC's names?"

Cheating Bastard: "I tell Eric that we sent Derek ahead to scout for giant turtle eggs and that he should come along with us if he wants to meet him."

The Amazing Boozehound: "Cool we've got a new cleric!"


And so we marched on, making our way back to Castellan Keep with what remained of our treasure and our dignity. Imagine our surprise when we found a small village of hobgoblins blocking our path.


Me: "I'm just thinking we would have noticed something like this the first time through."

Cheating Bastard: "I don't even think I could fight an entire village of hobgoblins and live."

El Disgusto: "Looks like I'll have the cripple the party so I can make my escape. I'll start with the cleric!"


El Disgusto's ninja was in mid-crippling when one of the hobgoblins noticed us an approached. I don't think Erol Otis ever imagined hobgoblins like this.


Psycho Dave: "Now the hobgoblins approached you, speaking in a guttural version of the Common tongue. You can see already that they aren't wearing armor but are wearing multi-colored fabrics and wide shapeless knit caps on their heads. The lead hobgoblin says, 'Hey mon, whatchoo be doin' wandering around outside of our village mon?'"

Me: "Rastafarian hobgoblins? You've got to be kidding."

Psycho Dave: "The hobgoblin leader continues, 'We don't want to be fightin' you nohow mon. We just live here bein' mellow mon' and guarding the treasure. Hey! Why you be crippling that cleric mon?'"

El Disgusto: "I give Eric the cleric his leg back and ask the hobgoblin to tell me more about this treasure."

Psycho Dave: "The lead hobgoblin explains, 'It be a Deck of Many Things. Someone traded it to us for some ganja and now we charge people one gold piece to draw a card. It beats workin' mon."

Me: "All right these are mean spirited and hateful stereotypes."

El Disgusto: "What have you got hobgoblins in your family Ab3?"

Me: "No and that's not the point the point is that stereotypes are the language of hate."

The Amazing Boozehound: "And Miller is the champagne of beers!"

Cheating Bastard: "I give the hobgoblin chief a gold piece and ask him if I can draw from the deck of many things."

Deviant Boy: "Oh me too."

The Amazing Boozehound: "My gold piece is kind of melty."

El Disgusto: "Me too. Are you going along too Ab3?"

Me: "I'm still kind of upset over these hobgoblins and besides a deck of many things is a party killer."

El Disgusto: "I knew you'd wussy out."

Me: "I'm not... oh all right I'm in."

Psycho Dave: "The hobgoblin chief says, 'Well come on then mon.' And he leads you to a hut in the middle of the encampment."

Me: "What about Eric the cleric?"

Psycho Dave: "Oh he's bled out by now."

El Disgusto: "Some cleric he turned out to be."

The Amazing Boozehound: "Hey someone's coming up the driveway."

Me: "Oh good that must be-"

Psycho Dave: "Lights out! Everyone quiet!"


And with that the lights went out in the room and everyone crouched on the floor.


Me: "What the hell is this?"

Psycho Dave: "Whispers. Only whispers until we hear the knock."

Me: "It's Weasly with the pizza isn't it?"

Psycho Dave: "We can't be too sure. This isn't... this isn't exactly my house."

Me: "Wha- what?"

Psycho Dave: "I moved out of parents' house but the whole rent thing didn't work out for me. Luckily my grandfather had a debilitating stroke and his house has been empty for months while my family argues what to do with it."

Me: "They don't know you're here?"

Psycho Dave: "Well that would kind of scupper the whole rent-free thing wouldn't it?"

Cheating Bastard: "It's Weasly."

Psycho Dave: "Ok get the food and send him home."

Me: "Send him home?"

El Disgusto: "His character is dead what else is he going to do? Hang around and stare moonily into your bald spot?"

Me: "I'm not..."


They got the pizza and sent Weasly Crusher home. I once again asked myself what the hell I was doing here. Bad as the dating scene might be at least there I had a chance to get a kiss once in a while. The again with Deviant Boy you never really could be sure about that either. Once we were done eating each member of the party drew a card from the deck of many things.


The Amazing Boozehound: "Minus one on all saving throws. That stinks."

Cheating Bastard: "Awesome, a castle of my own and another positive modifier for my diplomacy skill."

Deviant Boy: "Imprisoned? Do I at least get a cell mate?"

El Disgusto: "A 4th level fighter for a follower? That sucks. I'm a ninja- death in black pajamas. Ninja's don't have followers. How many XP do I get if I kill him?"

Me: "All my magic weapons disappear? Well I didn't have any."

Psycho Dave: "Well I think this is as good a place as any to leave off until next week. Can everyone be here?"

Cheating Bastard: "I'll get here early so I can mock Weasly as he rolls up his new character. We can all hang out at my new castle."

El Disgusto: "I'll be here. Don't you worry about that."

Deviant Boy: "As long as we keep getting together on Saturdays I'm good. Just remember Friday nights are for just me, Mr. Pibbs and Cinemax after dark."

The Amazing Boozehound: "I'm intoxicated at the very thought."

Psycho Dave: "And what about you Ab3?"

Me: "I... I'm not sure. I think we'll have to play it by ear."


I was determined to make sure I had something better to do, even if it was trolling the singles bars with my non-gaming friend Kid Snotrocket. This wasn't fun, this wasn't good times; all I was doing was adding another page to my own personal Binder of Shame.

This is the entire list, copies from rpg.net as compiled by Ab3 himself. The audio versions are worth listening to, IMHO


(Rant#0.1) The Prequel Trilogy I: The Creep On The Borderlands
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=370727

(Rant#0.2) The Prequel Trilogy II: The Dead Guy Gets The Pizzas
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=371396&page=3

(Rant#0.3) The Prequel Trilogy III: Untitled
Not ready yet

(Rant# 1) The Team That Couldn't Shoot Straight
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=3409

(Rant# 2) The day I killed the entire party before the first combat encounter...
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=12210

(Rant# 3) A Night At The Inn, A Day At The Racists
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=13446

(Rant# 4) The God Trip
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=14184

(Rant# 5) Achy Breaky Mythos
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=14851
Audio Version: http://slangdesign.com/rppr/?p=2

(Rant# 6) Monty Python Mishaps In The Deepest Pit Of Homebrew Hell
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15803

(Rant# 7) Kobayashi Maru With Random Violence and Supermodels
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=16619

(Rant#8) What Do You Mean You Lost My Wife's Kidney
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=17257

(Rant# 9) Never Leave Your Nads Behind
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=18060

(Rant#10) Death By Thumbs
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=18741
Audio Version: http://slangdesign.com/rppr/?p=57

(Rant#11) Night Of The Caped Cadavers
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=19471&page=3

(Rant# 12) Cannibals, Rednecks and Transgendered Astronauts
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=23422

(Rant# 13) Trapped in Jedi Academy
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=26588

(Rant# 14) Reservoir Torgs
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=26943

(Rant# 15) The Wrong Room In Ryleh
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=74110

(Rant# 16) The Great Gamma World Death March
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?threadid=108315

(Rant# 17) The Bad Rifts Project
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=192968
Audio Version: http://slangdesign.com/rppr/?p=34

(Rant# 18) The D&D Session That Mostly Wasn't
http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=233430
Audio Version: http://slangdesign.com/rppr/?p=14

I've played with each and every one of those players. Sometimes as two-fers, like the Amazing Deviant Boozehound. Just not the turned up to 11 versions of them like Al Brunno III has.

EDIT: Ok, The Amazing Boozehood did make an appearance in all his wonderous glory once. It was...stunning.

Quote from: clockworkjoeThis is the entire list, copies from rpg.net as compiled by Ab3 himself. The audio versions are worth listening to, IMHO

Awesome!  Thanks.

He used to have a web site, but most of it has disappeared by now. You can read a lot of his stories through web.archive.org, though:

http://web.archive.org/web/20040615043507/http://albruno3.holmesonics.com/rantsandreviews-3.htm

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