TheRPGSite

So, I posted about the first episode of this TV show in the Television thread, and Noted some silly ties to bad gaming experiences.  Having nothing better to do with my Saturday Afternoon (er... nevermind, it would take too much work to explain that comment...), why not continue here.  This is in part a sort of 'Live Take Review' sort of thread, starting at Episode Two and continuing through, I assume, the rest of Season One.  I may actually pull out some booze in a bit just to make it extra spicy!

So we left off with our Phantom Class Marauder, the Raza, and its cru (Fuck me, I need to learn to do Umlauts) of amnesiac mercenaries figuring out they are the bad guys.  

First off we can sort of see that the GM's intentions for the characters don't line quite up.  I mean, the Gun Guy, the Monk, and the GM's GF are all believable as assholes, and The Kid is still a cypher, and the Android?  Eh.

But The Serious Roleplayer is not only playing The Bard, but he's a complete wimp. Can't buy him ever being a murderer and pirate. White collar crime? Maybe.   Also, our utility player (Six), while a big tough looking dude is also a bit... soft. Hard to buy his criminal record either.  

So, we've got a scene or two where the Gun Guy continues to play to type. We've got a scene or two where the Wimp... I mean the Serious Roleplayer... wants everyone to play hero, and The GM's GF explains that she's the boss because no one has stepped up to be the boss... does the Serious Roleplayer want the job? Of course he doesn't, because he's a fucking wimp.

Ain't that just like a Serious Roleplayer though? Offer them the party-leader job and they turn it down, but passive aggressively go on and on about what everyone should be doing?  

Also there is a scene with The Kid and the GMPC/Android that is... mixed.  I'll note that the show is going a different direction than the classic Star Trek/Data. The Android is still socially awkward, but the childlike innocence is played up more than they did with Data, helped by the actresses rather childlike voice.   She (the character) seems to get human behavior more than Data did, but instead doesn't quite know what to do with that knowledge.

And we close out the recap of the opening bits of episode two with another forced 'unresolved sexual tension'* between the GMs GF and The Wimp that ends with yet another 'Sexah but don't notice' bit from the GM's GF.  

I'm off to pull down my bottle of Monkey Shoulder, a good sized tumbler, and to watch more TV. I'll try to use Posts rather than Edits in this thread if that works better, and I'll try to post when I drink. Dunno how long this will last, but if I accidentally summon Pokethulu, well, you all will know to blame/invade Kaneda...



*I take this term from Television Without Pity, which was famously used to good effect in Farscape (in fact, by the end of season one they seemed to be writing the entire show around the push-pull UST), and will hearafter refer to UST for expedience. Unless I forget because alcohol.

Well... that was... weird. No drink yet, for shame, but...

So The Serious Roleplayer has a talky moment with the cute miner girl as they deliver guns, with the typical hollowwood platitudes about morality and good peoples an' shit, then Gun Guy is... um.. pre-raped?... by the weird looking miner woman.  No, like, he's all 'time to get back to the ship, yo' and she's like 'no, we gotta reward ya with song and drink' and he's all like 'um, nah, we're good'.. and then she grabs him and says "No! We WILL reward you with song and drink, motherfucker!"

Its... well, I had to comment on it, so there's that.

just took first drink. Damn its some smooth, smooth scotch. Burns good.

Oh. Right. Why.

Well, no single thing, but a combination.

First: The Kid randomly spouts GM fed plot advancement to GM's GF about 'well, Someone Stole our Memories'... this is more than just random amnesia talk, she's delivering 'word of god' here, and utterly out of left field.

Then a ship arrives, of course its the Megacorp (already? I mean, how fast did they expect The Raza to do the job and report back? Its been a day. Whatever.), and we learn that the Phantom Class Marauder is, apparently, the 'Name of the Shuttle'.  Le sigh.  They just keep piling on the stupidity with that, don't they? Why the fuck... whatever.  

So the Party is getting roped into this quest by GM fiat, or in the immortal words of some pulp detective novelist "When in doubt, or the plot slows down, have some mooks kick open the door and start shooting".

I may be paraphrasing that.

Second drink.

So, aside from some silly (GM's GF ignores hail from Farris ship, then Farris ship doesn't respond (initially) to her calls back 30 seconds later as she plays Amnesia Bluff with them... then the 'Big Threat' from Farris Corp is... seven guys.

But the Drink comes from... once again... Serious Roleplayer inserting himself to Parlay.

No, no... so the seven guys are marching in formation through janky abandoned factory, Killjoys Big Bad shoots teh ground and they exchange painfully trope filled dialog, and Serious Roleplayer literally runs in from off screen shouting 'Whoa, whoa, whoa!'

I almost expect him to shout 'Let me parlay! Parlay! I have got Seven points in Diplomacy!'.



Eh, before I forget, Six, the Utility Player, almost McCreeps on Serious Roleplayer when explaining that he's prepared to knock out Serious Roleplayer to keep him from getting involved in the Quest.  Whoa. Six is a leather daddy.

No drink for Kanedan bad fight choreography, which is good for my liver I guess.

No, seriously. So it was nine guys, but 'Parlay' means more Amnesia Bluff, and non-mook bad guy pulls the dumb shit move of 'agree to take offer to guys above, try to backstab instead' and gets throat cut by Monk/Three.

Despite being in a double column formation in open ground, under the gun, somehow its now a running gunbattle between the miners and the Megacorp team.   Mostly because nobody can shoot straight. I'm drinking while watching this and I can shoot better than that with my nerf gun.  Have you ever shot a nerf gun?  All the accuracy of a... um... drunk bullet?  Seriously: This is twenty paces with rifles.  A blind man shoots better than that!

Fucking Kanedans.




EDIT:::: OMG!!!! OMG!!!!  Body Armor in a TV show actually stops bullets from killing faceless Mooks?!!!!  Um... drink or no drink?   Oh, god... I can't decide. I got many many episodes left, so Ima err on the side of caution.

Ok, so I tried to let it go as long as possible, but the stupid...

So, first up the leader of the ship-to-ship parlay team is Mark Steyn?  Of course, he's the sort of asshole who doesn't respond when welcomed aboard, just walks past the GM's GF.

THey told The Kid to hide before the enemy parlay team arrived... so she takes a crawl through ventilation shafts? Er... okay? That's a.. good hiding place I guess. Then, when they cut back to her she leaves teh vent shafts for... Monk's Cabin (you can tell by all the swords on the walls...)???  

Um.

Shit. I guess this is stupid player tricks for 100, alex. And that means I gotta take a drink.



Meanwhile, on the surface, dealing with the aftermath of the short but inexplicably even gun battle (Fucking Kanedans and their utter lack of understanding of violence...) naturally one of the random NPC miners accuses Our Heroes of cowardice for planning to leave now that the fight (this round anyway) is over, but Killjoys Big Bad is just has so much fucking gravitas that, well, it doesn't go anywhere.  THe GM is running a motherfucking railroad, and the Serious Roleplayer bought tickets for Everyone!



EDIT::: Oh, yeah, The Kid found the PuzzleBox, so maybe we'll get some Pinhead action on after all? A pika can dream, can't he?

So... more general stupidity excused as Exposition.

Seriously, folks. Okay, okay, I'll start at the very beginning.
,
Planets are BIG, M'kay?  Like... this place has a breathable atmosphere and normal gravity and everything, so its like.. I dunno... somewhere between Earth and Mars in size, just to make it as small as possible.

We have really fast airplanes and stuff, all sorts of fancy technology, yanno?

And it STILL takes all motherfucking day to fly around the entire globe. Like, without stopping and junk.  I just drove a third the way across a single continent and it took me two motherfucking days each way... on paved roads and shit.  

This planet has, seriously, something like a few dozen miners on it. I mean: they expected nine assholes (or five if you count the Raza as the first attempt) to clear the entire place out.   You could park some twenty million assholes on the planet without the miners even KNOWING about it. Because, you know, planets are FUCKING BIG.

NEW YORK CITY could be camped on this planet, lock stock and fucking five motherfucking burroughs, and the Miners wouldn't have to know shit from shinola about it.  Hell, you could park... I dunno.. Zambia on this motherfucker and the miners could be utterly oblivious.

And, I'll remind you, the actual Resource that everyone is excited about?

Not On The Planet.  Its in space. Its a fucking Asteroid. They just need a logistics base to work from, a place to park their mining crews when they are off duty.


Shit.


I think I broke my hand pounding on the table in frustration.*


Now... Steyn trying to buy the GM's GF into abandoning her crew on the planet while the Mega-corp goes all biblical on the miners and shit? That's decent.  Sure, I even like it. But someone, please think of my poor brain cells!  Seriously, I can feel them overcooking as they try to rationalize their way through the sheer moronic idiocy of anyone giving two flying fucks about 196 MILLION SQUARE MILES of empty fucking planet!!!!!!!!!!!










*no, I didn't, but it does send a pretty clear message about how very, very stupid this plot mcguffin is.

So... The GM's Railroad is working. The Raza is missing? (not really, I'm sure. I mean, Killjoys managed to surprise me here and there, but the Kanedans aren't that much more creative than Hollywood), and the party is now on the adventure properly, which means the Monk is all up in interrogating a bitch with his sword for information, including the tired hack cliche that torture doesn't work, but it sure is fun.

Maybe there's a twist where we learn that the asteroid full of mcguffin isn't the real prize, but instead some unusual gene sequence in the local miners grants immortality (Sorry... I got Casshern in the queue of things to watch...)

But given just how fucking Player Character the Monk got with his prisoner interrogation bit, I guess I need to take, if not a full drink than at least a decent sip.



Edit:::: OMG! Someone realized that a ship in orbit is, in fact, a great strategic asset vs men on the ground.  I... I'm touched! Or I'm touching myself... I'll have to figure it out and report back later.


EDIT::: False alarm. They're gonna assault the miner's nuclear reactor on foot with mooks or something. Sigh.  Well, I guess that saves me from a public indecency charge.

lolwut?

So... Gun Guy is all excited at the prospect of a coming gun battle, so... sip again, I guess.  I mean, he is playing to type perfectly.

But Leather Daddy is all like 'they've got an endless supply of bodies and bullets'.

Um...

No. No they do not. They have a single ship in orbit, a Destroyer. One ship. Now, these are apparently pretty big ships (based on The Raza), but even if its a troop transport (its not, its a destroyer, a light-gunship, designed to take out waves of fighter craft or fire-boats to protect ships of the line... or however that translates into Dark Matter's universe.) that still only means maybe a single company of infantry/marines... and given that we've seen (and captured) a light armored gun-truck already, that means considerably less due to vehicle support.

They've got maybe, and thats a very generous maybe, sixty guys or so.  Also: Those sixty guys are somehow expecting to manually blow up a nuclear reactor to plausibly deniability kill all the miners, so... um... yeah.

Not good odds, but hardly endless.  I mean... A single Sergeant York could win that fight and still have time for breakfast (he took 127 prisoners single handedly, if I recall my numbers correctly). Defensive advantage is 3:1, and its not the four Player Characters vs 60 mooks, its the Four Player Characters plus NPC miners vs 60 mooks, and guntrucks don't go down stairs very well, so we can wipe out the armor advantage due to terrain.

Seriously. Kanedans. Fuck em.


EDIT::: Player Character's Plan!  Take the enemy shuttle back to the enemy ship and take the ship!!! Goddamn! Fifteen minutes left in teh episode and I have to refresh my glass?  Oy!


EDIT::: False alarm?  New plan: Take the Marauder on a suicide run against the enemy ship?  I... I am disappointed. It still sounds like a PC plan, but... well... it just doesn't have the panache.  No drink for you, assholes.

Also... Clearly the Serious Roleplayer is upset to be losing his Leather Daddy on this suicide run. I mean: We all know PC's can't die in episode two, its all just a set up for fake tension, but still.  I'm guessing the GM's GF is barking up the wrong tree for UST, but like we expect the Kanedans to let the Gun Guy be a romantic lead, and it would be too damn progressive to let the asian Monk character (Raciss we much?) be the lead.

So.

They seriously are trying to make the Serious Roleplayer into the male lead? I mean: Given how raciss hollowwood is, they didn't leave much of an option here, but seriously: He's got all the gravitas of a wet noodle. HE even LOOKS a bit like a wet noodle.

THen the 'you all are cowards' miner mook does the expected back-stab to save his own hide.

Then, and the reason to post so quickly again: Gun Guy names his guns, specifically he has named his big honking rifle (and SOOOOOO COOOLLLLL!!!!) Bubba.

Luv.

It.



I may even drink to Bubba. I mean, its a bad idea, but still.  He should be the male lead, but as always he's being played as plucky comic relief sidekick.  

Where is Snake Plisskin when you need him?










EDIT::: Early posting alert: Other guns are Lulu and Pip, but he doesn't name the knife in his boot because he's not psycho!  A treasure, this man is.  I mean: Cliche as a three dog night, but a treasure.  I got dibs on Lulu.

So.

No one in Kaneda understands violence. This is a given. No concept of things like choke points. Defenders are shooting bad guys in front of them, behind them, right next to them... its a damn mess, and someone shorted the squib budget. Also: Idiots with guns are pulling pocket knives to stab people in the face left and right around here. I mean: If it were the miners I could forgive them for being a bit... unprofessional.

On the other hand, they did put some blood into the scene. Not much, mind you, but its lightyears beyond most battle sequences.



Sadly, I have to report that Killjoy Big Bad took a bullet. Time will tell if his Gravitas saves his life or causes his ultimately tragic but inspiring death.




Oh, and Leather Daddy/utility player doesn't get to do his suicide run at all, robbing us of even the illusion of tension, as the Marauder is overrun by miner traitor, taking him prisoner instead.  I am Shocked, Shocked I tell you!



EDIT::: This one isn't my fault. LD was taken prisoner BEFORE The gunfight scene, so how could I predict that instead of escaping the planet, the traitors and former prisoner would instead use him to force a parlay just before a commercial break?  

On the other hand, Gun Guy says what we always know about these scenes "I think they're going to kill him anyway", so... sip?  Yeah, I think that deserves a sip.  About damn time someone lampshaded it.  Besides: Bubba, Lulu and Pip, motherfucker.

Ok, so I thought I missed a scene, but I guess it was just... not badly handled, but at least creatively handled.

So, the Raza returns to the planet (shocked? I know, I know.. me too!), and the Farris ship shoots at them, but, you know, shields.

Then two more ships arrive. See: The Raza/GM's GF only left because Mark Steyn revealed that Farris's biggest competitor in the region was the Mee-kay Combine, so she went and rounded up a couple of Mee-Kay Cruisers to back her play. In, you know, an hour.

And she gets away with it, because she's banging the GM. Hopefully not at the table between dice throws, but we've all read the creepy stories (or, you know, been the creepy GM in those stories. What? I'm pleading the fifth, motherfuckers. You ain't got shit on me!!!!)

So... I guess Killjoy Big Bad's death was Gravitas Induced Tragedy of War?  Meh.

Also: More creative handling of scenes, as we return to Leather Daddy rescue, only all the mooks teleported back to the destroyer between edits, leaving Leather Daddy alone.  Fuck, I need to be drunker for that not to irritate rather than confuse.

Also: Serious Roleplayer is soooooooooo very ghey. Not Gay, mind you, Ghey.  Cute Miner Girl is practically begging him to stay on the mining colony (now part of the Combine I guess?),and bang her into next week,  and he's all... nah, I gotta stay on my ship because...

And then Leather Daddy interrupts, while standing in dramatic sudden rain, mind you, to say 'Lets go'.


SOOOOOOooooooooo Ghey.  Its sweet.  I mean, the GM's GF is gonna be so upset when she finally figures out that all her flirting is wasted, but still.

So Episode Two ends with needless expository explanation of interstellar mining law or something.  I guess, vaguely, that the miners have some sort of absolute rights to the planet because reasons?  Sounds well thought out, but that just leads to more questions about why they didn't take a damn penny to lease a continent or two to Farris rather than risk death and slavery, but whatever. Better than nothing.
 
Then The Kid does her River Tam bullshit and tells the GMs GF that she remembers (for some unknown person) uploading the amnesia virus into the program... cue plot drama going forwards I guess.

And Credits... well, I mean, the Monk finds his now open puzzle box which holds... no cenobites (damnit) but a signet ring. That's... pretty damn D&D I guess, and may link back to her first eye-ball gouging flashback, so.. yay?


Next Episode starts with Gun Guy trying to break up the band because reasons, and I notice that, apropos of his name, apparently he eats breakfast with a gun (Lulu probably) on the table right by his plate, because Gun Guy, duh.

Then The Kid wants to play a game with everybody, but nobody wants to play, so... she River Tams it all up in this bitch, crawls through some vent ducts (again), because they built that set, yo, and finds a dead body frozen in a box at random.

Seriously, I think the writers were playing a drinking game, or maybe triple dog daring one another, as they wrote.   Well, my fish people theory is still on teh table.


Anyway: After the opening credits everyone gathers while the android tells them everything the fancy scanner can tell them. Male teenager, frozen, shot in the kidneys (ouch!).  Well... that was... a let down.  

Naturally the Serious Roleplayer has to make a big freaking deal out of the practical matter of disposing of a random body they found on board.  I sorta... agree with the GMs GF here. What the fuck, dude?  Just... what?

Anyway: What does The Monk do while they wait to get to the space station?

Why, what any PC does with random downtime, he practices his fightin' moves.

And with that... I drink!

So, its pretty clearly a River Tam episode, with The Kid cast in the Role of River Tam.  Knowing that the Utility Player is also a Leather Daddy for the Serious Roleplayer makes it a bit awkward to see him emotionally comfort The Kid, but I'll get over it.

Anyway: Rather than going full on Psychic... I mean, um, Intuitive... Dark Matter is, I guess, trying to keep it all scientific up in this bitch. So... her 'dreams' of other people's memories is the downloaded memories wiped from everyone else. Sure, that sounds utterly shite, but I guess it beats... intuitive, so we'll go with that.

Of course, we get drama because only the GM's GF has been privy to this so far, but now Leather Daddy gets word and presto, bit group meeting/exposition scene to fill in a few blanks that ends with...



Plot by Something Happens. No, seriously. The scene ends with teh ship dropping out of FTL sooner than expected because... as the android puts it... Something Is Wrong With the Ship.

Well... yay?




EDIT::: So, they tend to give most Techno-babble to teh Android, because you would, and she spits that shit out like a motherfucking Rap God.  However, so far as I can follow it, most of what she says is actually... well... real?  I mean... she's not routing tachyons through the emitter array or some bullshit.  Its a bit deliberately vague, but... as with just now... she talks about the ship ejecting a bad coupler, like a busted fuse.  I mean: More details might be nice, but then we'd risk bad engineering or something.  Look man, I'm buzzing pretty good here and she hits somethign like two hundred words a minute when techno-babbling... just trust me when I say it sounds like someone is actually trying to keep it vaguely scientific, instead of just sciency sounding, m'kay?

Eh, trying to cut down posts and edits while still keeping the quality to my obviously exacting standards, so I'm doing posts, but keeping them open until I think they are fully baked.

So Gun Guy shows the Monk his fancy locked door from Ep1 and they discuss betraying the team for money, whatever.  

Serious Roleplayer uses the Android's fancy biometric scanner to determine if anyone is lying... I note that Two (the GM's GF) refuses to use her old name from the files, the exception to the rule.

Hey! Its Gun Guy actually doing real maintenance on his guns in his cabin!  He couldn't possibly be a real Kanedan! Kidding, I know Kanedans hunt.  Just to make sure my buzz doesn't go I'll drink just for that.

Its 18 minutes in and the characters have pulled guns on eachother twice. First Gun Guy and Monk testing eachother's inititive rolls in front of the big locked door, now Gun Guy being forced to take the lie detector test as Serious Roleplayer holds him under the gun. Seriously... that's a drink.  

If my spelling is getting worse... I know. But correcting my spelling is harder than noticing its getting worse, so suck it up, buttercup.

"If you shoot him, you may skew the results."



lol...

So right after Gun Guy says he doesn't remember tampering with the ship the Android says something is wrong. Oops, misdirection! Shocking!  It seems they are being bombarded with a high concentration of Gamma Radiation.

I expect someone to hulk out now.  This will be a tease, just like the Cenobites, I just know it.

"You got an answer for everything, don't you?"

"Yes, I am an excellent information source."

Fuck it, I'll drink to that too, because this damn episode isn't promising enough RPG silliness, so I'll make do with amusing dialog.  I am enjoying the Android a bit too much.



Sweet Fucking Holy Moses!

So... we are confronted with a typical space delimma.  Get out of the Gamma Radiation before you cook to death and risk blowing up the ship (73% chance of explody death. C'mon, players take those odds!), or perhaps no chance because its only diagnostic sabotage.

OR: SOmeone goes out into the gamma Radiation to replace a part, cooking to death.

Yup, seen it before.

Hey! THe Android will go!

Nobody ever does that!  Send the motherfucking Android into the deadly Gamma Radiation. Hell, she even volunteered!   Yeah... buddy. that's a drink, I think.

And.... Post

So, for the most part the special effects are pretty excellent.  I mean, clearly the ship in space is CGI, when a model would probably look better, but that's modern cinema for ya, and clearly they outspent Firefly and Farscape (together? Dunno...) on sets for the interior, though just as with Farscape (not Firefly), placing anything inside the ship in relation to anything else is a damn waste of time. Too bad, Whedon did a damn fine job setting a standard no one even fucking noticed (except me, sadly... I actually drew up my own cutaway map of the Serenity one time...)

But it fails when the Android is looking out the airlock at the hull. I mean, this is Tron levels of bullshit.  On the other hand, I'm thinking somewhere a physics major was wiping his shorts clean after she explained how gamma radiation bombarding the hull resulted in electrostatic discharges, etc.   Maybe the writers were friends with a gaffer?




BOOO!!!!
 Fire teh set dresser!!!

Okay, so the part that needs changing is on the hull, requiring an EVA. Fine and dandy, so why the fuck does it look like she's in a goddamn hallway????  Fuck you, show, fuck you.

This is a boring ass episode from an RPG standpoint.  Its all fake drama and 'we got amnesia so we don't trust eachother' bullshit, coupled with a fakeout technical problem that is SUPPOSED to be on the hull of the ship, but instead is in some damn hallway that, for no reason other than idiotball, is apparently exposed to vaccum. Also: Static discharge is probably not as much of a problem deep inside a metal hallway versus 'on the surface', so way to do good science technobabble and ruin it by idiot set design.  How fucking hard is it to do a black starry background anyway?  Fuck, man, Black Hole was done in... um... 1960?  Jesus, man, that's like a hundred years ago!

I'm going to guess that in the twenty minutes that remain I won't find anything worth posting about, or drinking about, so y'all got time before my next post.  

Sigh. What a waste.

Anyway: Recap from the end of Ep3:

They only carry three space suits for a crew of five?  Dafuq? Also: static discharge looks lame and weak, but drama yo.   Also: They are trying to time static discharges? What happened? Did the gaffer go on lunch or something?

Also: GUn Guy and Monk do guns drawn vs the rest of the party over FTL jumping now or rescuing android, so... drink. Yeah, that's a drink. Bad gaming group disfunction. Also: Hotwiring a door. Because the Kid needs to be relevant when not River Tam'ing up this bitch.

Sigh.

THe Kid stole Gun Guy's bullets without him noticing?  That's...  just bad writing. Really, really bad writing. I'm not wasting good scotch for that horseshit.

Yanno.. some of the props look pretty good. Bubba, for example, while a little blocky actually looks kinda like a real gun, absurdly big and all that. But... dose handguns, yo.  Fuck, I've seen Warhammer Ork Shootas that looked more gunlike.  Well, some of dose handguns. None of 'em look cool.  We need a good old fashioned winona up in here.

Also Leather Daddy is the designated 'gunna die this episode character' again, because... reasons.  And electricity don't work that way, mang!   Also: Android is an AED?* Sweet.  I'll drink to that just for the lulz. Barely, because I need to fill my glass again.  This is hard work, yo.

Wait? Android had an orgasm doing AED to Leather Daddy????  Oh, ok. THAT deserves a straight up full on drink, not a dregs of the glass drink.  

Also: Serious Roleplayer did NOT take many points in first aid, because his CPR is weak shit... and he missed his chance at an onscreen kiss! Boo!

Yanno? This stuff... its got like a minty feel on my tongue. I don't notice it when I just have a drink regular, but now that my taste buds are dead its the ONLY thing I can taste when I take a drink. Whatever, back to the recap.

Anyway: the entire episode is a nothingburger. No sabotage, no revalations about the party's past, even teh dead kid is long forgotten.  The GMs GF asks Serious Roleplayer to hold her feet (for situps) and the look on his face is soooooooo precious. Seriously, honey, you're barking up the wrong tree here.  Anyway, thanks to the screenwriters SR finally takes the bait and goes in for the kiss... hilariously he then apologizes and makes his excuse that 'Six wants me to...'. Six. As in Leather Daddy.  Fuck me, that's a drink for my own damn cleverness.  No... seriously: He kisses her, breaks the kiss himself, stands up and mutters something about six (that's a direct quote earlier, btw), and walks away from teh girl.  I'm giggling here.

Anyway, since the episode is a big waste of time, they toss in a couple of bones at the end. First we have The Kid going to where she found the body and convienently finding a box full of plot nearby. Hmm... you'd think they'd look for that earlier, but whatever.  One 'plot' is a pistol, which... and mind you this is Kaneda we're talking about... looks like a very real, modern day firearm and not a sci-fi prop. Curious.

The second is a shitty scene at the bar at the space station they've been going to since the end of the last episode where One (Jay Corso) is asking for information about The Raza, because he has unfinished business with one of the crew. Well, plot twist and evil twins.


Which brings us to teh Setup of Episode Four:

So everyone is talking about what to buy with their money at the Station. Gun Guy, of course, wants hookers.   Only... GMs GF drops plot hammer on everyone and reveals that they're broke, because they need to find the wizard in the local tavern and get a quest, duh! Or, evil twin, whatever.**

Eh... so they plan to sell the half the weapons (all?) that they didn't give the miners in Ep1, but... weapons aren't allowed on the station. Somehow I doubt this will be a problem. Also, utterly an aside, but the costume department is one of the weaker elements of the show, just sayin'.  I mean: When they all woke from cryosleep they were sort of wearing some sort of standard yoga dansk onesies, except that they didn't quite match, and the miners didn't really look very... minery, just sorta lame stock sci-fi peasants or something, and GMGF walked aroudn for two episodes with her belly button showing, now all the guys are in grey t-shirts and dark jeans/slacks? The only one that doesn't fit (aside from Android with her blue jumper) is The Kid, but aside from a wicked earring thing she doesn't really look that... sci-fi?  Meh.

Anyway: GMGF pairs Serious Roleplayer with Gun Guy to sell their cargo for extra cash (for hookers, natch!). I'd let it pass, but she tells Serious Roleplayer that she paired them because she doesn't trust Gun Guy, and then she tells Gun Guy that... she doesn't Trust Serious Roleplayer. Hilarious, so Drink!

Heh... Okay, so I may need to stiffen my standards here...

Gun Guy and Serious Roleplayer go to find a buyer. Gun Guy goes to play all serious, using some sort of Theives Cant to suggest he's selling and Serious Roleplayer just subverts the shit out of him by playing against type and saying 'we're selling guns', straight up. He literally walks all over Gun Guy's attempt at Roleplaying to speed along the merchant trip.   That's a drink, but I'm swimming a bit here, so... well, I'll drink this time, but I'm gonna hold back for a good one for the next m'kay?

Anyway: They toy with the Intuitive shit again, with The Kid own-caking a 'Shell Game', as if those guys don't cheat like dogs at a cotton candy stand.  I mean... that's like a plot point (he cheats, she catches him because... River Tam, right?)

God damn! Moe ass android, feeling lonely and left out and shit!  So very very Moe.  too much booze, I'm gonna cry over a Moe Android?  Also: Damn right, use the internet to find out more about who you are, you stupid Monk!   No? Well, fuck you, you broke poor Moe Android's heart, you bastard!  She just wants to help, but no... you have to do some RP Legwork like some sort of wanna be Boss.   No Drink for You!

"I guess we'll have to agree to disagree."

"Screw that! I don't agree to anything!"

Which... really... should be a drink, but I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes in the same direction as my face, so... I'll wait for something better.  I mean, it is followed by 'party splits up so naturally, captured', by who I presume to be Other Corso, but...  well, I got a bunch more episodes. I mean... I do have a LOT of scotch here, but I'm only a little superhuman when it comes to drinking, yanno?

I mean, this episode does seem to be the inverse of the previous episode. It's all RPG up in this bitch.

Ooooh... so, I think this episode is fully set up by this point, so I really need to post now. So... Post!***

* I KNOW that's the right acronym, but I'll be damned if I can recall the usual term for 'shock the shit out of a patient to start their heart', so if you don't know AED, well... AED don't know you, bub! No, this is NOT an invitation for details. I'm drinking goddamnit, and I'm sure I'll remember it later just fine.

** this show is transparent enough that my drunk prediction is that the memory wiped Jace Corso (Serious Roleplayer) is, in fact, the GOOD twin of the real Jace Corso, which would mean, of course, that he's probably responsible for the memory wipe etc.  Calling it now. Place yer bets!

*** Yes, I am, in fact, shouting commands via text to my alter-ego editor-slash-production assistant.  Don't you?

So, following our setup, where are we at?

Well: Leather Daddy/Utility Player/Six: is sidelined getting heals from a medical clinic

Two and Five (GMGF And The Kid) are... in a casino?

Android is totally Moe on the ship.

Four... Monk? (er.. yeah, numbers are a bitch to remember right here...) is... well, he left hte ship to apparently RP/Gather INformation about his signet ring, but we haven't seen anything after he broke Moe Android's Moe Heart, teh fucker.

And One(Serious RP) and Three (Gun Guy) are captured... and... SCENE!

So.... Serious Roleplayer's plan to escape being captured in Totally Trope fashion (seriously, Two chairs back to back, tied together????) is to... shift ot the door, headbutt the door control, get into the hall and call for help.  That's... that's so fucking Serious Roleplayer RPG that I can't even.  I mean... maybe I've been GMing too damn long, but I can just hear myself sighing heavily and calling for some absurd die roll that I just know, no matter how long the odds I give, that fucker is going to either pass with a crit, or god damn fail with a crit, and I'll be dealing with the fallout. Against my better judgement I have to drink. Rules, man. Rules.   I may die tonight.

Fail with a crit, they fall over helplessly.  for the record.

quick cut to casino. Kids not old enough to play (and that is in fact in scene!), but apparently its cool if GM's GF is supervising. Also they may never SAY Intuitive, but they ARE talking about feelz. Also... I'm fucking up my typing quite abit on this side now... so it only took too many drinks, but my usperhuman metabolism is finally admitting that I've been drinking, go me? I may take a quick coffee break, not that you, the audience, will notice.... er... I... hope?

and then to our heartbreaking bastard, Monk.  His 'search' for information... his Gather Information check leads him to a pawn shop, where the shop owner manages to make several dozen unsupported leaps of logic in order to exposit all over the place.  Fuck the pawn shop guy, but I still like him better than Monk right now. So Moe... so much Moe...

Anyway: Pawnshop guy doesn't want anthing to do with the Yashida Clan signet ring, cause, badass? Whatever.

Sudden penis is sudden!  That is all.  No, not all. Dear god, I hope Penis Comercial (which is, I think, delivering plot info) is being deliberately badly acted. I mean.. its Kaneda, so who fucking knows, but OMG that acting.  Oh, right, you're not watching. So... dude in... orange boxer-briefs (which I used to wear. Not in orange though...) with too much penis showing, gets into a 'transfer pod', which allows a clone of him (OOH! EVIL TWIN!!! I GET IT!!! sorry about all caps, sudden... just a sec, downloading sobriety linguistic database... umm.... Eureka... moment) to experience his vacation without having to travel there.  

Aaaaannddd... back to the Casino. Damnit!  So... now we're going to let GMs GF GNPC this fucking show? We've discarded the Intuitive 'wins at shit' girl for GMGF to win at... hell, its not even space Blackjack, its just blackjack, and I'd be ashamed at how long it took me to add the cards to 21, but it still took less time than they spent showing the cards, so fuck you, show! My Math skills are Leet enough to win even when crosseyeD!!!!

I'm goiing to post early (half baked, yo) because my laptop notoriously likes to touchpad erase my work, and I'm too blitzed to recreate shit now... take it and like it!

Y'know what? I think the writers have been to a few casinos. I mean, they don't know jack or shit about planets and scale and shit, but gambling? That they've got down!  

Back to SR and GG, these micro-scenes are annoying when doing a... um... sorta-live?... recap/drinking game.   Oh, shit, I forgot my coffee break! (also, three tries to spell coffee right. No red line, so I'm sure I got it right now... take that, Monkey Shoulder!)

Ooooh... I forgot I had Reeces Peanut Butter Cups in the fridge! Also, I can, in fact, still walk straight adn my pupils are the same size, so we're good to go for at least another episode, now... where was I? Aside from Candy?

Oh, right... captured party members.

So, its sort of precious watching the actor playing One/Jace Corso trying to play hard.  The split effects to put both versions on him on screen at the same time is... amatureishly bad. I mean.. I'm drunk (legit, yo!) and I could see it. Not hte line, but the lighting. How fucking hard is it to get the lighting the same? I mean???? Fuck, dude, just light the scene and shoot both takes with the same lighting! Its not like you're doing a fight, one version is tied to a god damn chair!  Sigh.  Then, after wasting time with the Penis Commercial showing us that Cloning exists, we have exposition revealing that... cloning exists.  

[sigh, you lost a funny drunk joke due to touch-pad shenannigans. I swear one day I will stab the everliving fuck out of that touchpad. Right in the face. Over and over like some sort of psychotic ex-girlfriend who doesn't know what 'its over' means....]


Anyway: back at the casino we see a seriously unbelievable run of cards.  I'm.... not going to describe it in detail because... reasons (booze), but it involves something like five 20/21's in a row (facecards, gambling rules, alcohol... make up some shit...), followed by the Casino accosting a winning player and saying 'don't make a scene'?  Do you even Vegas Film, bro?

And Monk space-Googles 'Ishida', not Yashida... well, aparently HE got the subtitled version of the show. Seriously, like he couldn't do that Before going to the pawn shop? I mean, its not like Moe-droid didn't tell him she was fully Google-Images Compatible or nothing.  Poor Moe-droid.

"... Their Rep matched their Strut." ???? Oh dear.  Also: the Legendary Raza, the ones so well known people think they might be a race of space lizards? Also: Space Google the fucking Raza motherfuckers, and half the show's mysteries would be known to you.  Seriously. Space Google. Its a thing.

Electric shock stick? You mean... I dunno... a cattle prod?  I mean... it sure looks like a cattle prod. A bit on the small side and all that, but... well... I mean, we've had those for decades man. Fucking Kaneda.

LIke I said earlier: Clearly the writers have done some gambling. I mean: Science? They get it right about half the time, and they think Cattle Prods are High Tech, but when it comes to a philosophical digression on the legitimacy of counting cards? They are right fucking there, mang.   Don't get me wrong, they aren't pulling out Aristotle's Rhetorica any time soon for this, but shit is on.point.

Also: Lots of dramatic music to fake tension. Why can't they just stick with the Evil Twin thing or the Moe-droid?  Oh, right. GM's Girlfriend gotta be front and center to the plot even when it is literally the least interesting thing going on (and I count Leather Daddy sitting in the clinic waiting room on that list. Shit, at least he has Penis Commercials to watch.)

Right on cue we are given a glimpse of Moe-droid briefly interacting with Evil Twin, and yet utterly not noticing he's lying to her? Sigh.

Then, right back to... counting cards discussion.  Christ on toast. I feel like I should take a drink just to numb the pain, but that would be cheating.

So. Kaneda. Fuck. Kaneda. With.a.spoon... sideways.

Right. So Casino Boss slaps The Kid when she won't shut up about not-cheating, which spurs GMGF to waif-fu him and everyone else in the room, because, well, she's fuckign the GM on the side so naturally she gets bonuses to fighting mooks to show off, even in the most pointless of digressions from the plot of the episode.  Can we get another Penis Commercial or something? Anything?  Well, anything but another heartbreaking scene of Moe-droid having her moe-heart broken again by that bastard, Monk.

No. Straight up, she kills like two or three goons AND the casino boss for slapping The Kid, and I really start to wonder at the moral decency of Kanedans.  Do they not understand the basic concept of 'Death'?  Do they think 'Oh, its just a knife to the heart. He'll be FINE. Its just what he deserves... really I'm being too soft hearted here... for SLAPPING A KID!. The Monster! He is basically Hitler, you know. I heard Hitler was a bad man, he must have slapped Kids a few times, right? Well, when he's recovered from his knife to the throat, maybe we'll sue him... just for good measure."

Sigh.

So, as an aside, they are going to use the... sigh... shock stick (Cattle prod, motherfucker. Do you even cattle, bro?)... to soften the wires holding them to the chair.

Now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure that the Nurse (possibly android nurse?) at the clinic isn't the female/les-yay noble from Killjoys?  I mean... I'm sobering up a bit from a good lack of RPGness here, but not enough to do research for you lazy bastards.  I sorta WANT her to be the same actress, just for the (kill)joy of it. Anyway... for a shady space station/casino/gun dealing Evil Twin sort of place, teh Doctor is awfully eager to aprehend a criminal. Also this happened less than 10 hours ago, but Six say's 'a couple of days'. Fuck continuity, yo.

Back to the Cattle-Prod twins, who manage to drop the Cattle Prod they have been so diligently trying to reach. Hah. I'm gonna call that a drink for fumbling a simple dex check, bastards!

I'm pretty sure if you were tied up with metal wire you wouldn't/couldn't use a shock stick to melt teh wire off you... and I'm absolutely sure if you could it would be not merely painful but the worst idea you ever had... worse even than Ash cutting off his own hand (and trapping it under A Fairwell To Arms...) with a chainsaw.  But, whatever, I already drank.

Now: Back in Ep1 I noted that Six more or less threatened, in a creepy/sexy way to roofie the heck out of Serious Roleplayer, earning the Moniker of Leather Daddy in the process.  Continueing my trend as Pika-Damus... he now roofies the heck out of the doctor.  Well.  I mean... just... well.  I think I'm liking my version of this show more than the writer's intended.

Nurse droid ain't wearing no bra! No jiggle like that with underwire, bro! Lucas's rule about underwear in space strikes again!  


Anyway: Episode Recap: one more time the crew winds up at the end of the episode more or less exactly where they started, broke and on a damaged ship with no new information. Gambling? Nope, no money there. Selling guns? Nope, Evil Twin got that money. Info? Too busy playing bad-ass gambler or what have you.

Aside from Evil-Twin subplots, the only forward momentum on the crew is that Moe breaking bastard, Monk, who watches, I shit you not, GNN to find out that he murdered his own father, Emperor Ishida, and at least a hundred other people along the way, etc.  We do learn that the galaxy of Dark Matter has several competing governments, almost incidentally (and bonus points for that, though I suspect its accidental rather than deliberate), and also that the Mega-Corporations have fleets they can send it to protect their assets when star-empires fight... a lot of world building for GNN to deliver in 73 seconds (tilde for approximate... hah, fooled ya into thinking I timed that shit, didn't I? No? Well... I can dream.)

And I am entirely too damn sober for this game, which... given how deep I was going down the rabbit hole at the beginning of the episode, actually pisses me off.

Aight.  So Ep5.

Setup: First Gun Guy is totally gonna blackmail Serious Roleplayer about keepign Evil Twin a secret, and he's willing to blow that blackmail by stupid overuse of it, because Hollowwood, lets just get that out of the water first. He recommends they rob Farris Corp (since, you know, they are already hated by Farris), which... given that they are wanted criminals with a bad rep with Farris isn't, actually, a bad idea.  And totally a Player Character sort of idea, which calls for a drink, but we'll get to that in a moment.

Then The Kid tries to shovel Plot Railroad at us by revealing the Vault (the Big Locked Door of previous episodes) to everyone (not just Gun Guy, who has been mucking about with it since Ep1...), and...

[I had something written here, but Touch-Pad deleted it and I don't remember what it was... so if there is a plot-thread gap later, you know why now.  I swear to god... one of these days.] ** Aha! Right, so: Absolutely Nothing Happens iwth the big door. Again. Five fucking episodes of Big Locked Door doing... nothing but being big. And locked.   Yer welcome.

Then they get a call from a Quest Giver (Ima say Robert Cross from Stargate and stargate atlantis, but don't quote me on the actor's name. Its the autism dude, you know him...), who apparently set them up for the Ep1 job and now needs them to do a half price job for him involving salvaging a wreck because the GM needs to get this Plot Railroad back on teh tracks, god damn it.   And THAT calls for the drink...

Then we've got a traditional UST misunderstanding set up. Maybe. If Killjoys is any indicator, they may be doing the 'she can fuck like a man, even if the men can't'... schtick*, when our totally Not-ghey-you-guys Serious Roleplayer goes to set up a date or something with GMGF, only to find the shirtless Gun Guy in her room and he stammeringly redirects to setting up a 'plan the mission moment' while staring longingly at the half naked Gun Guy.  Whatever would Leather Daddy think?


Anyway, we cut to the actual start of the mission.  Gun Guy manages to use proper gun safety and doesn't flag GMGF, so I KNOW he's not really a Kanedan. Then we've actually got GMGF going on the mission with them, while Moe-Droid stays on the Raza... but Moe-droid is a bad-ass, functionally indestructable (seriously: Nanites. How do they work?) android... you'd think she'd be better served on the mission than playing radio operator, but whatever. Lastly, we learn that the wreck has six hours of life support for... drama. Never mind its stupid as hell, we need a fake shot clock to ratchet up the tension!  

Meanwhile The Kid shows Moe-Droid the Plot Device she took from where she found the dead kid, leading to this bit of techno-babble:

"... part of a larger device designed to access pockets of extra-dimensional space."

Which implies one hell of a lot about the setting.  The exchange that follows is, well, Moe. And funny.  Maybe more funny than Moe, but still Moe.  Moe-droid has what remains of my shrivelled and tar-black heart, so Moe.

Also: The Kid is now the third member of the crew to finish an exchange with Moe-Droid with an injunction against telling any of the others. This is getting absurd. Assuming proper droid like literalism, she will likely go insane with the inability to tell anyone anything from conflicting 'keep it secret' orders, entirely without prior planning from the writers... which means that won't happen. I'm... ambivilent... regarding that.

So... special effects.  I've noticed but nt remarked that the cargo chests in this setting seem to be about 75% dead mass, mostly in the lid.  Its silly and stupid.  Anyway: GMGF, keeping the plot train running, opens up some 'reactor' control panel or something, and its all super-massive lid too, then she sets her diagnostic case on a nearby surface and the SFX crew gives it an amazing amount of mass/inertia when she sets it down (sound FX mostly)... I guess everything in the future is super-inertic? Except she later slides it a little to adjust its position and its revealed to be an empty aluminum computer case (or something like that, only with SFX panels and wires for Techno-babble use).  

I dunno... seems unnecessary to use SFX to make everything super-massive(inertic, whatever), and damn sloppy to miss it a second later in teh same scene.  

Anyway: We're setting up a space zombie senario here, and again the SFX was drunker than I ever got (on this review/drinking game), because while that bastard Monk says that the four bodies they foudn were killed with bare hands adn teeth, the makeup crew makes it look like cut (sliced, though I hate that formulation) throats. Nice clean blood lines, nothing at all like 'teeth', and the GMGF gets all whiny bitch about getting everyone back to protect her.. except that One and Three (SR and GG) are incommunicado due to plot-convinent radiation.  This will be my last episode of the 'night', I think, so I won't make up excuses to refresh my glass. The Show won, the Drinking Game is over, but seeing as it won by cheating, don't think there won't be a rematch for later episodes.

Anyway: right on cue, space zombie attacks GMGF and more Kanedan "violence" ensues, and she gets bit... oooohhhhh....

I could comment on the bro-talk about banging Two, but frankly I'm too distracted by the almost near total lack of expression Serious Roleplayer manages to convey... like... all the time.  He may be pretty (I... I need an opinion on this one, actually. Like... usually I can at least guess if a dude is pretty or not, but I'm drawing a blank here. Actually... I think he's a bit weird looking...) but damn he can't emote (with his face) to save his life.  And he's got those downturned eyes that just... they just sort of scream 'I have too many cousins that married in my family tree' for me.**

I suppose I should comment on the fact that they are always splitting the party, but... well... they are always splitting the party. I think the party spends more time being split than together, so what do you want from me?***

Oh... sweet fucking jeebus! So... GMGF was bit by Space Zombie, and the 'crew' get a damaged fragment of the log from the freighter revealing the usual space zombie shit, and Leather Daddy wants to send Two back to the Raza for medical care (presumably by Moe-Droid, who probably wants some attention about now...).  So far so good. A bit cliched.

Oh, noes... we CAN"T send Two back to teh Raza or the Space Zombie Plague will spread to The Raza!!!

Um.

Right. Because almost everyone from the Raza is... aboard the frieghter.  Right now only one person (and one Moe-droid) are at any risk if Two gets medical help, compared to the FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE on the same damn ship wiht her right now.  Talk about a pointless effort to quaranteen. I mean, Sci-Fi is usually utter rubbish at space-quaranteen (I blame Ridley Scott for this...), but this is like a complete fucking inverse of the usual shit. Instead of breaking quaranteen every damn chance they get like its a pointless beaurocratic exercise, now they're gonna risk lives (or... life) for an empty ship (The Kid does not count. She's River motherfukking Tam and will Intuitively avoid any Zombie Plague because Plot Armor... and in her case, poor fashion sense armor).

I love you, Moe-Droid. I'd marry you, but frankly you're so very Moe that even I would find it creepy.  

Moe-Droid points out that, like all sensible Space People, the Raza's Infirmary has a proper Quaranteen facility where they can safely store Two/GMGF until they know she's a space zombie or not. Its not perfect (perfect is pointing out that pretty much everyone is already potentially exposed because THEY ARE ALREADY ON THE SAME DAMN SHIP!!!!!), but still, the sweet, slightly childlike, voice of reason.  

So... I'm torn. They keep putting GG and SR together, and they bitch and moan and snark on each other constantly, and frankly if not for the Ghey Bromance with Leather Daddy, I would utterly hate the sucking void of talent that is SR, but I am vaguely reminded of inter-party bickering.  We get some more Kanedan 'Violence' as several of the Space Zombies appear... again with no grasp of space or numbers its hard to actually have tension and GG pretty much does what you'd expect the party Gun Guy to do, he pragmatically shots every Space Zombie he sees, no questions asked, while the Serious Roleplayer reveals that he dabbled in multiclassing as a Thief/The Kid as he tries to hack an airlock door.  We finally get a bit of promised decompression and SR bitches that Gun Guy shot zombies while he played with wires because, well, decompression... and like any good disfunctional party with a sloppy/mean GM... you have to wonder what GG should have done instead?

If I were still playing the drinking game, that would be a drink fo' sho'.



*no, seriously. In Killjoys one of the two main characters spent season one as the utterly sexless bestie, and the other was straight out of romance novel 'one woman at a time casting' while the female lead has two or three episodes a season where she literally bangs an anonymous progression of mooks in montage fashion, which is a hilarious inversion of sexist stereotyping.  So far Dark Matter is... officially... sexless but not romanceless, but that can change at any moment. Kanedans, man. They don't get violence nor sex, swearsies.

** Actually, I have no idea what they scream, but I did notice them, and they do seem to interfefe with face-acting. Its... not a good look, but what do I know/ I'm faaking yellow for god's sake!


*** I swear to god if you play me that damn adam lambert song I will hobo-murder you. I have never in my life heard a more vapid and shallow song, and my ex used to watch teh disney channel like her life depended on it.  I will start buying up Gold just to pay people to hobo-murder you. I'll grow a beard, grab a long stick and spend the rest of my life in a bar looking for people to hobo-murder you. You have been warned.

So.  I've never commented on the variations on teh 'you better take a look at this' cliche that pops up... but right after, while Moe-Droid is expositing about Space Zombie virii, I couldn't help but notice teh Space Gun that bastard Monk was carrying was, in fact, just a P90 with a redonkulous muzzle break attached to it.  I mean: Most of the Space Guns (not the silly looking handguns, mostly) appear to be real guns with a teeny bit of flash, but this is the first really good look at one I got, and yup.

Bubba, however, is still ballin', yo.

Not that I've seen Bubba in two episodes, but still. He'll be back, he's too strong to be held back for long.

God damn Moe-Droid, man.  With almost no facial expressions and not much more vocal range she still manages to be more gut-wrenching than the supposedly human characters. Fucking Pathos, man. She brings the pathos. Well, that makes TWO of the manly virtues of ancient rome to appear in this series. First Gravitas, now Pathos.  Two down, two to go... no, don't wait for it. Let it creep up on ya and surprise you. I mean, everything else is utterly predictable, even teh Space Zombies didn't really try for a cheap jump scare, so you gotta make your own, right?

Anyway: I was going to comment that The Kid is supposed to be bringing the ready made pathos, but she pretty much always looks... pensive. I was thinking of saying constipated, but that might be too mean, so we'll stick with pensive.  Not much range, Kid. Pensive or more Pensive?  Two might become a Space Zombie? Pensive. Two knife murdered a bunch of dudes for slapping you? Pensive. You might have shot a kid in the kidneys and left him to bleed out in an empty hold? Pensive.   River Tam some shit about carving out eyeballs? relaxed and casual.  

Also, remember that six hour life support shot-clock?  Oh, well, now we have a new, and unrelated Ten Minute shot clock, just for GG and SR. God, I love watching hacks work.  Anyway, SR makes a Lore: SPace Zombie check, because of course he does, and realizes that due to teh ten minute shot clock the space zombies are no longer a threat. Just... just roll with it, m'kay?  

Hilariously, Moe-droid is on my side with wanting SR to just die already, and she turns on the oxygen remotely just as SR adn GG start walking past incapacitated space zombies, simulaniously ending the ten minute clock (sigh) and undoing the effects of his successful Lore check.  

I love you, Moe Droid.  In a completely non-sexual way, unless that would make you moe sad.

Of course it doesnt' work because Gun Guy actually can kick ass, despite Serious Roleplayer doing his best to cripple him with negative modifiers for being flanked.  Gun Guy deals, once more, with the space zombies while Serious Roleplayer whibbles in the corner, complaining about GG doing the real work of keeping both them alive. So very, very Serious Roleplayer of him.

The Kid, upon hearing that SR adn GG are safe adn coming back to the Raza?  Mildly Less Pensive.

Naturally the Cru (Aha! with semi-sobriety comes the remeberance of that umlaut free joke name...) can't possibly complete their mission and get paid! THink of all the tropes that would violate! So they blow up the ship, once again ending the episode more or less exactly where they started, broke and hated by everyone. Which is... well.. I dunno, a real thing for this show, apparently.

Anyway: The GM's GF winds up magically cured of the Space Zombie virus, because of course she is. No, seriously: nothing happens, she just magically stops having the virus, which no one has ever survived before, and somehow they artificially create this weird tension between her and everyone else because, of course they do, then they reveal that yes, they ARE going the Killjoys 'She Fucks like a Man, but the Men Don't' routine, AND they reveal she now heals like Wolverine because of Space Zombie plague, because she is the GMs' GF after all, just like I said from the beginning.

And that was episode five, and the end of tonight's run of drinking game theater.  I'm off to sleep off this scotch induced headache and hit up the rest of the show later-ish. Mebbee when I wake up, while I still remember my running jokes.

Quote from: Spike;976414So.  I've never commented on the variations on teh 'you better take a look at this' cliche that pops up... but right after, while Moe-Droid is expositing about Space Zombie virii, I couldn't help but notice teh Space Gun that bastard Monk was carrying was, in fact, just a P90 with a redonkulous muzzle break attached to it.  I mean: Most of the Space Guns (not the silly looking handguns, mostly) appear to be real guns with a teeny bit of flaosh, but this is the first really good look at one I got, and yup.

Bubba, however, is still ballin', yo.

Not that I've seen Bubba in two episodes, but still. He'll be back, he's too strong to be held back for long.

God damn Moe-Droid, man.  With almost no facial expressions and not much more vocal range she still manages to be more gut-wrenching than the supposedly human characters. Fucking Pathos, man. She brings the pathos. Well, that makes TWO of the manly virtues of ancient rome to appear in this series. First Gravitas, now Pathos.  Two down, two to go... no, don't wait for it. Let it creep up on ya and surprise you. I mean, everything else is utterly predictable, even teh Space Zombies didn't really try for a cheap jump scare, so you gotta make your own, right?

Anyway: I was going to comment that The Kid is supposed to be bringing the ready made pathos, but she pretty much always looks... pensive. I was thinking of saying constipated, but that might be too mean, so we'll stick with pensive.  Not much range, Kid. Pensive or more Pensive?  Two might become a Space Zombie? Pensive. Two knife murdered a bunch of dudes for slapping you? Pensive. You might have shot a kid in the kidneys and left him to bleed out in an empty hold? Pensive.   River Tam some shit about carving out eyeballs? relaxed and casual.  

Also, remember that six hour life support shot-clock?  Oh, well, now we have a new, and unrelated Ten Minute shot clock, just for GG and SR. God, I love watching hacks work.  Anyway, SR makes a Lore: SPace Zombie check, because of course he does, and realizes that due to teh ten minute shot clock the space zombies are no longer a threat. Just... just roll with it, m'kay?  

Hilariously, Moe-droid is on my side with wanting SR to just die already, and she turns on the oxygen remotely just as SR adn GG start walking past incapacitated space zombies, simulaniously ending the ten minute clock (sigh) and undoing the effects of his successful Lore check.  

I love you, Moe Droid.  In a completely non-sexual way, unless that would make you moe sad.

Of course it doesnt' work because Gun Guy actually can kick ass, despite Serious Roleplayer doing his best to cripple him with negative modifiers for being flanked.  Gun Guy deals, once more, with the space zombies while Serious Roleplayer whibbles in the corner, complaining about GG doing the real work of keeping both them alive. So very, very Serious Roleplayer of him.

The Kid, upon hearing that SR adn GG are safe adn coming back to the Raza?  Mildly Less Pensive.

Naturally the Cru (Aha! with semi-sobriety comes the remeberance of that umlaut free joke name...) can't possibly complete their mission and get paid! THink of all the tropes that would violate! So they blow up the ship, once again ending the episode more or less exactly where they started, broke and hated by everyone. Which is... well.. I dunno, a real thing for this show, apparently.

Anyway: The GM's GF winds up magically cured of the Space Zombie virus, because of course she is. No, seriously: nothing happens, she just magically stops having the virus, which no one has ever survived before, and somehow they artificially create this weird tension between her and everyone else because, of course they do, then they reveal that yes, they ARE going the Killjoys 'She Fucks like a Man, but the Men Don't' routine, AND they reveal she now heals like Wolverine because of Space Zombie plague, because she is the GMs' GF after all, just like I said from the beginning.

And that was episode five, and the end of tonight's run of drinking game theater.  I'm off to sleep off this scotch induced headache and hit up the rest of the show later-ish. Mebbee when I wake up, while I still remember my running jokes.

I love this show it's pure cheese sci-if but your commentary is pure gold and spot on

Never even heard of this show. What channel is it on?

Quote from: Dumarest;976461Never even heard of this show. What channel is it on?

S I-Fi here in the uk or iTunes

Quote from: HorusArisen;976428I love this show it's pure cheese sci-if but your commentary is pure gold and spot on

:hattip:


Anyway, now that I've been up for an hour or so, gotten some food and coffee... not enough coffee but some... in me, its time for a Mid-season Recap before we start this bitch up again.

So lets review our cast, and how their roles have held up in the first five episodes.

We have :

One/Jace Corso: The Serious Roleplayer and... ahem... Good Twin of himself.  Supposedly the Male Lead but appears to prefer the gentle caresses of Leather Daddy. Not a good actor by any stretch.
      Well: He has pretty much hit every beat thus far for Serious Roleplayer. He runs into the middle of Initiative Checks to shout Parlay, he comes up with stupid plans, and when another player tries to get some Serious Roleplaying in for themselves, he shits all over it by... not-Roleplaying.  Dude's batting a thousand.

Two/Does Not Acknowledge former Name: The GM's Girlfriend.  She prefers to kick fellow party members in the face rather than simply ask them to step aside, she was magically cured of Space Zombie Plague for No-Reason-Whatsoever, and appears to have gotten super-powers out of it. She squashes The Kid's 'Intuitive Good Gambler' Schtick by hitting Blackjack five fucking times in a row at the Space Casino, and she knife murders dudes for slapping The Kid.  Also: She appears to Fuck Like A Man Even When The Men Don't... so she's pretty much batting a thousand here too.

Three/Don't remember name: Gun Guy. He likes his guns. Pretty much Chaotic Stupid most of the time, but is actually a pretty good fighter when the GM isn't fucking with him. Occasionally tries to Roleplay, but that's secondary to having awesome guns.  I not only KNOW this player, I've BEEN this player.  Still batting a Thousand for RPG stereotypes.

Four/Ryo something or other but really Ishida: The Monk. He prefers swords to guns, doesn't talk much but when he does it is for calculated maximum badass quotient.  Never really tries to roleplay much beyond Loner-Badass.  He's batting a thousand too, but I have to take half off for breaking Moe-droid's heart when she just wanted to use Google-Images Search for him.  Then I have to give him that half back because, well, he actually used Google-Search and... ahem... GNN!  So, he's the player that will totally ninja-loner-badass on the roof of the tavern while everyone else is roleplaying buying a beer inside, but actually gets shit done.  

Five/No Name revealed: THe Kid, mostly there to hang out and scam doritos? Check. Occasionally given inexplicable Plot Devices by the GM which she promptly hands to the rest of the party to play with? Check and OMG fucking check.  Weird psychic/not psychic powers?  Triple check. River Tam without kung fu? Well... we're waiting for her secret Kung Fu, but yeah.  Nailed it again, another Thousand!

Six/Griffen (I shit you not) Jones: The Utility Player and secret Leather Daddy. Like most utility players he tries to get shit done, but he's not a hard core RP'r, and his character is more balanced competence then Gun Guy, so sometimes his awesome/semi-sensible plans go awry because the GM knows he'll be back week after week even if he doesn't get to be awesome.  I DID NOT expect him to have a fetish for drugging men into unconsciousness, however, so.. .890.  That's right, I'm giving myself a non-round number batting average that is still disgustingly high but not perfect for this one.


Then we have Moe-Droid, who was the GM's character, but is now being played by his over-eager baby sister. She's got an awesome character sheet, godlike levels of power, but her player doesn't really understand power gaming at all, and just wants to be useful and 'part of the group', but since she's just a tag-along baby sister they tend to ignore her, which breaks her little Moe heart.  I totally did not call that, so no points, but she's just so Goddamn Moe I have to give them all back.  

And then we have the GM. He's got a god damn Plot Train that he is bound and determined to keep on track, despite his players. He thinks he's really good, but nobody respects his Great Kanedan Novel, and his GF keeps flirting with the other players, but since she says she's just being 'in character' he lets her do it.  I bet the player (the GF player, not the GM player... though...) wears a corset and shows a lot of cleavage, but they may not be having sex for real. Maybe a handy.


And... the party is pretty much where they ended Episode One. They have a cool ship with no guns (damaged?), no money and no friends. They know their names and that they are wanted criminals, (except for The Kid, of course), but in five motherfucking episodes they haven't done much more than that.  We know One is some sort of Imposter and Four is Imperial Nobility From The Other Side of The Galaxy.


I've got a liter of Monkey Shoulder, now down a good fifth, and a good sized Tumbler glass (square cut bottom so it won't roll away on me.... forgot where I got that from, killjoys maybe?) so let's review Teh Rulez:

Every time the show pulls an RPG session, particularly a BAD RPG session, trope out of its hat, I take a drink, a sip for half-assing it. THis includes for the GM/Writers.  Anytime the writing is hilariously bad for any reason, I take a drink.  Only one drink necessary per scene, so I don't run out of booze and/or liver.  If something is offensively bad I can cancel the drink.  

I post 'as I watch', so comments are more or less in order to events on the show, but to keep things moving along I'll try to get through an entire scene before I comment, and I post at random intervals when I start to fear my Touch Pad planning yet another betrayal.

With that, I'm off to Episode Six.  To preserve my health I will NOT be pre-loading the scotch.

So... Episode Six starts off with one of those 24 hours Earlier bits. I should drink for shit tropes, but won't.

Anway: Before that we get to see that bastard Monk doing his patricidal bit back on the homeplanet, but when he pulls his hood down its The Kid. Nice. Of course it turns out they're trying to get their memories out of her head (Like, with a spoon?), and its not going well.  For a moment when the hood came down I thought it was Two, which would have been Twist City, but thats only because women, they all look alike to me, yo.  

Anyway, back on the ship The GMGF makes an intimidation check to their Fixer/Quest Giver so they don't get bogged down dealing with the fallout of deliberately destroying the Zombie Plague Ship last Ep.  Its... ok, I guess. Then they talk about how desperate they are while The Kid listens from around a corner. Why around a corner? I mean: EVERYONE is part of teh conversation except Moe Droid, so its not like this is secret stuff. I guess it's traditional that you 'surrepticiously' listen when planning to do something stupid and desperate to 'save everyone' or something.

I'm... y'know? I don't really want to talk about Serious Roleplayer's hilarious attempts to Not-Be-Ghey, so until I get drunker or bored I'm just gonna pretend those scenes don't happen. Cool? Cool.

I mean: I SHOULD, because "She Fucks Like a Man..." and all, but... meh.  Unless it's in spanish, I don't watch soap operas.   Also, they really want to make that UST work, don't they?  I'm telling you, the player has a corset. Which player? At this point I'd say... Both of Them.

At least Killjoys has the excuse of being written by a woman, which may be why I never saw 'disfunctional RPG group' in that show.

Ok, so I think its safe to say that the GM is running Traveller, or at least the GMGF is a hard core traveller fan. She's always crunching fuel cost and consumption rates and telling everyone how far they can get before they run out of money.

And you know we're getting another River Tam moment when the Kid stops looking Pensive and looks like maybe she's on the verge of her first ever orgasm.  First it was eyeball gouging, now its the prospect of frying her brain to drag memories out of it, and I really wish I had another way to describe it, because she's right at that weird age of 'old enough to be sort of hot, young enough that you'd rather pretend she's not'.  Of course, the actress is 19 if I'm reading the internet correctly, so... perv away you bastards, don't let me hold you back.

And Gun Guy continues to be my favorite player!  He's all for the Kid frying her brain to get their memories back, fair enough. But when called on about treating her like an adult, he totally goes:

"Hey, I'm not the one who gave her a vote. You can't have it both ways."

The only thing missing is Bubba.  


Ok, so: We see Monk as a teenager beating up another kid during Kendo practice when Emperor Daddy (who at first struck me as a cheap Mako replacement) comes in to beat HIM up for not being ruthless enough, and they pull The Kid out of the dream because of course they do.  Nothing much to report, but the very next scene is that bastard Monk in his quarters doing... what else... practicing his Fightan Moves. So, we have our first Drink!  I'm guessing the Kid will come in and have some of his moves, but mebbee not.

Eh. Half right. The Kid shows up and he does the Wise Mentor routine on her, with maximally calculated amounts of badass.   I guess that drives teh plot better than her pulling his kendo moves on him.

So... way back in Ep1 they all put in these really big bluetooth headset 'comms', and  for most of four episodes they wore them pretty much everywhere, no matter how inappropriate but almost NEVER used them.  Still not using them.  Just sayin'.

Also: I'm going on record now to say at least five minutes of this episode will be The Kid laying down on the medical table (the verb form, not the... um.. damn, I just failed high school english. Adjectival?), and ten... no, fifteen minutes... of her lying there, on said table.

And.... ALL the memories will be from that bastard Monk? I mean, it fits the show so far, where he is almost literally the only one with any back story, but damn! Anyway, playing that bastard Monk in the flashbacks is, at least, giving The Kid something to do other than look Pensive or... well... in her bunk...  for once.  Now she gets to try and play ninja-loner-badass-noble.  Its a strange combination, but who knew that bastard Monk was the frustrated novelist of the group? His backstory must have taken the GM HOURS to read through.  Palace intruige, exiled brothers, alcoholism, abusive murdered fathers and sensei-san, who naturally gets a PC held sword to his neck, because that's just how player roll, yo.  That calls for a sip at least.

.... AND we have the long emotionally cathartic diatribe delivered unto the abusive Emperor Daddy... who turns out to be dead the whole time!  Because  OF COURSE!  Damn, I'm going to upgrade that sip to a full on drink, just for that!

.... AND we literally get a replay of the opening scene. Way to reuse footage you cheap Kanedan bastards!

And that concludes our Setup, I guess, so... POST!

So, we get Technobabble Moe, which is good Moe-droid, and OF COURSE! The Kid is trapped in the dream state despite them taking the 'mind probes' off of her.   Normally I'd expect someone to have to "go in after her", but we got that Wise Sensei version of that bastard Monk earlier telling her the secret truth she just needed to hear all along to save herself, so we already know where this is going.

I may be wrong about how often she's going to lie down in this episode, but I'm still crossing fingers for how much time she spends lain down.

So... If I have the rules right about this Quantum Leap thing they're doing, the current flashback is her own memory (because mirrors show the character, not The Kid, and this time its The Kid...), too bad. that means we're going to get fifty shades of pensive.  Did I mention she is a pickpocket? Well, we knew she was a street kid because INTUITIVE shell game ownage.  Also, we know its her because her fashion sense is a terrible as always.

like OMG, you guys! Guess what she's doing now?

Did you say 'Crawling through ventilation shafts'?  You SHOULD have said 'Crawling through ventilation shafts', because that's what she always does.

Anyway... so she seems to be part of a commune of street kid hobos living in the vent shafts? Only eveyone is missing, because OF COURSE they are!  (seriously now I need that bit of M.Bison to link during those Of COURSE moments), and the dead kid wanders in, very calm about having a bloody hole in his kidney.  No, seriously, that shit hurts, y'all. Once again revealing that Kanedans don't seem to get violence or death very good.  Oh, and Five's name is... um... Daz? Dath?  I'm gunna go with Daz, fewer letters and she sorta reminds me of their 3d models a little bit anyway.  Don't worry, she'll always be The Kid to me.

Sweet Jeebus, this kid (not The Kid, the other one) is, like Super chill about having a bloody hole in his kidney, what with drinking water and dropping exposition like a fucking Terminator.  Are we sure he was really dead? I mean, he may have just been napping.   Oh, and we get that Daz's personal bad guy is a guy with a beard, and her Plot Device extradimensional doodad is a key. Damn this kid sure knows a lot. Maybe the angels are giving him everything?

No, seriously: Seeing 'The Key' appears to hurt this TJ fellow more than being shot did.  Also: Guess what emotion The Kid is displaying as her bestest friend evah is dying in front of her eyes?  Did you guess 'Pensive'? OMG, you guys!

To be fair, given how well TJ is taking it, I guess we shouldn't expect her to be too worried about it.  I mean, they're Kanedan and all, so its not like he's actually gonna die or anything. He's not a real person, you know.

Ok, so I was going to post how he looks a bit like... I dunno Justin Beiber crossed with a sweaty Selena Gomez (is that her name? Fucking disney princesses all start to blend together after a while), but then we find out that everyone else is dead. And, in true Kanedan fashion that seems to bother TJ about as much as the fact he's got a bleeding fucking hole in his kidney.  Death, mang, its just such a nuisance, you know?

And... The Kid manages to get so much pensive that it actually cracks into something vaguely like real emotion!  I'm sure she'll recover in a second, though.  Weird how the director let her break character and didn't even call Cut or anything!

And.... TJ looks a bit more bothered by her breaking character than he does about being shot.  I... I just can't get over that. I may... no, I WILL, drink to that.  Here's to you, random NPC who just won't fucking notice he's dying until after he's delivered the GM's plot exposition all up in this bitch, no matter how much time the players waste Roleplaying all over his mook ass.

Surprising absolutely no one at this point, it turns out she stowed away aboard the Raza. Shockingly, not by means of the ventilation shafts but by hiding in the food crates.  And equally surprising, TJ continues to terminator the fuck out of his gut shot.  THEN they go into the ventilation shafts, continuing their perfect average of surprising people.    I'm convinced this kid didn't bleed to death, he died of old age while everyone else was in stasis.

I had to check. It is NOT in fact Justin Bieber playing TJ. I'm... well, I'm pretty Moe about that myself, if I'm honest.  Also he seems more put out that The Kid is going to try and medic his ass than he is about his injury.  No, seriously, the GM is going 'This is just a Plot NPC, guys. Stop trying to save his ass! Let him exposit this bitch and die tragically.'  But The Kid is determined to use her full range of Pensive Looks, probably to make up for breaking character and showing 'real emotion(TM)'.

oh... oh god.

So we get the usual babymamadrama about how The Kid is dying in her dream state because... hypothalamouse, y'all.  So... somebody has to go in after her.  I mean... wow. I... I dont think I've ever seen that plot point before!   But... but... who do you think SAID THAT????   Who is it going to be?

You will never, not in a million years, guess who delivered the 'someone has to go in after her' dialog! *

I mean. I'm gonna drink because OF COURSE.


And, Of COURSE, the guy doing the dirty is Leather Daddy, our designated Suicide Seeker, which means this will be dangerous on an unprecendented level or something...  the writing here is so awesomely bad that if I wasn't already taking a drink, I'd take a drink.  There is no reason for him to volunteer here, no reason to squash the misguided squishy heroics of the Serious Roleplayer, or the You Go Girl team vagina of the GMGF, but there will be no argument, the Utility Player is going in, y'all!

I am vaguely sad that we are only getting Technobabble Moe this episode.  I mean, Moe-droid has been doing her best to Moe, but really she's just playing doctor this ep, so...  

Ah, too soon! Moe-droid drops some slo-mo technobabble and tags it with Moe-ment. Moe-droid is best droid.

Naturally the first Memory Leather Daddy has is one of his, and Memory-Leather-Daddy is hanging with a couple of strapping dudes. Because Of COURSE!  Wait: Leather-Daddy stole The Raza from the Galactic Authority?  Woah!  World Building Alert!  (also: The Raza is a Destroyer... still pissed about that Phantom Class Marauder bit, but whatever, I'll take it.)

Anyway: Leather-Daddy, still hanging with nothin' but dudes, is part of some sort of 'Insurrection', freedom fighters against the Galactic Authority. Only!!!  The Insurrection set him up the bomb, yo. LIterally, the shuttle they left on the station where they stole The Raza was a bomb that killed 10,000 people and this poor dumb sucker is the only guy not in on The Plan.  Because, OF COURSE.

Hilarious. In what I can only assume is a shout out to Toxic Masculinity, when Leather Daddy is told to Man Up, he immediately shoots everyone in the face.   Bro! The Ghey's don't care 'bout no Toxic Masculinity!  Also: I can guess his personal nemesis (since we're collecting them in this episode) will be some guy called The General.

ok, ok... so the next scene is... well, its fucking badass.  I mean, its exactly opposite of the rules, but damn, it deserves a fucking toast for badass. I'ma lay it out for ya.

Goddamnit!!! Touch Pad HOBO-MURDER!!!!!

Sigh.

So.  you get the crappy rewrite of the recap instead.  Five is willfully living One's memories of life on a farm and doesn't want to go back. Six and Five do a wonderful job acting up this bitch. Everythign about the scene is perfectly handled, with subtlety and a delicate touch entirely out of sync with the rest of the show.   I should drink to that, but won't because rulez.


Anyway: The Kid closes teh episode with a couple of short scenes to set up that bastard Monk on his revenge path with maximally calculated badass reached, and so we can see Leather Daddy preparing his own revenge Path with This is GNN!

And Scene!... er... POST!





* It was that bastard Monk.  I know!

Ep Seven.

GAH! Upsidedown Camera is Upsidedown!


So? Locked Door Episode?  They are definitely setting up a Big Locked Door episode.

Also: GMGF is just hanging around in her room in a towel so we can get more forced UST?  Corsets and Cleavage, I tells ya! Also, sudden, but tasteful TV, nudity is sudden, and hilarious. Poor Serious Roleplayer has no idea what to do with sudden ladyparts.  More non-spanish Soap Opera. Some good lines and more awkward fake-hetero action...

Also: Gun Guy stopped banging GMGF because she was bit by a Space Zombie, not because she called him One during sex. Boo!!!!

Oh! My! GOD! Who interrupts our hilariously 'so-not-ghey' attempt at a kiss from Serious Roleplayer?

Leather Daddy, that's who!   Oh... fuck me, that is a god damn drink!

STILL waiting for this show to prove my fan theory wrong, still not disappointed.

oh, and the look he gives Serious Roleplayer as they run by him to the Big Locked Door? Priceless.  And he was definitely checking dat ass (SR's ass, not GMGFs ass) as they went by!  

oh hell, this is going to be painful. I just saw 'guest starring Ruby Rose' on screen.  I am not drunk enough to put up with her preciousness.  Who the hell is she fucking to get on everything?  I know its not because she's got talent or charisma.  

Anyway: Inside the Big Locked Door is... a cargo hold with boxes of cargo. So... way to build up nothing? Anyway, we have a new drink moment coming, so...  Leather Daddy opens a box and finds... a lot of guns. He's way to excited by this (seeing that they started the show with many many boxes of guns...), and then Gun Guy comes over and picks up a random rifle.

"I'm going to call you Raquel."

And with that, I drink!

Anyway: They find a box full of space money, so what are teh odds they'll lose it all by the end of the episode? Also: Another droid, probably? And probably Ruby Rose, so that didn't take long.

I already drank this scene so no second drink for

Gun Guy: "We should thaw her and find out."

GMGF: "We should thaw her and find out."

Gun Guy: "I just said that, like five seconds ago."

Serious Roleplayer: "Yeah, but from her is sounds reasonable."

And... MOE!!!!!  also, Scene.

So, Pod Girl is not a droid, and I don't think she's Ruby Rose (Thank goD!), it turns out she's got an incurable disease with days to live and god DAMN if Gun Guy doesn't play to type and suddenly reveal a soft spot!  But, Micro-scene, so back to the Big Locked Door.

Lol for space packing peanuts, boo for Ruby Rose.  But she is packed up like a commodity, wrapped in cellphane and packing peanuts (sci fi edition), and may be in parts, so... kudos for that. Sigh. I'm so conflicted.

Also: Androids wear lacy black panties?  I mean: We've [fuck me running ANOTEHR TOUCH PAD sabotage!!!!] already had one violation of the George Lucas No Underwear in Space rule, from the GMGF, but watching Serious Roleplayer lift teh unused panties from teh cargo box like an alien facehugger is just sooooooooo precious!

RR is playing a sex bot, apparently, but Kaneda, so we get their usual lack of understanding about human sexuality, as her list of qualifications is Magic Tricks and Twirling.  Sigh.  

Then. (and this is where the Touch Pad betrayed me!) Then we get a VERY VERY forced misunderstanding 'joke' when teh 'so not ghey you guys' Serious Roleplayer tells the 'not yet old enough for sex' The Kid to 'Turn On' the android.  No, I'm cereal you guys.  Ugh. No drink for very bad jokes.

And... RR isn't doing a damn thing to hide her very australian accent, so we're getting her very best work this episode.  

More importantly, however, Leather Daddy takes his place, literally shoulder to shoulder, as SR talks about having 'read teh manual' when refusing a demonstration of her sex-botting skills. Oh MY.  Sooooo very, very ghey.

And I'm gonna POST this setup.

So... they actually lampshade the Aussie thing. No, seriously.  And watching LD and SR look lovingly into eachother's eyes while she... ahem... acts her way through this scene with all the subtlety of a drunk rhinosaurus (I know a thing or two about that...), is... sweet.  Trying to spice it up in the bedroom, boys?  

But, you know, watching all this bad actressing from RR as a sex-droid makes me appreciate and lub Moe-Droid all the more.   Heh! I'm looking for silver linings, okay?

So, on to teh dying woman... and please, please PLEASE be a Gun Guy episode! Oh, please!

IT IS!!!  SWEET HALLELUJAH!!!!  DRINK!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!


and... droid off. Moe-Droid, of course, now and forever.   This is the Episode that gives and gives until it hurts, then makes you watch the current Hollowwood precious darling Ruby Rose try to act her way out of that latex dress.  

SOoooooo much Moe.   Good thing you're supposed to water scotch, and the salt of my Moe-break tears just adds character. I kid, of course. My taste buds are already numb, and I would never insult good scotch by watering it, even with Moe-tears.  Those I catch and preserve in amber so that future generations can know that the ancients of the distant past knew wonders undreampt of in their glorious, but empty, lives.

Gah! Sudden Sepia Flashback is Sudden!

Also: Fuck you show. This should be Gun Guy talking to dead-girl, not GMGF. I mean, I know the GM got a handy under the table, but still!

Anyway, cut to that bastard Monk, who is... once again, loner-ninja-badassing it up in his room practicing his Fightan Skills, so... eh, this is a sip at best, he's ALWAYS doing that.

And Maximal Badass Line?  "I don't eat for pleasure."

Jeeze, if I hadn't already taken teh sip, that would be afull on drink upgrade!

So we have a showdown, folks: Maximal Ninja-loner Badass vs Bad Actress sexbot! Who will win?  Will the Maximal Badass be able to avoid the temptations of the poorly delivered line?  HE WILL NOT! He's going to RP the shit out of letting her join the crew, with as much calculated maximal badass grunting and mock profundity as he can muster!!!!

We have a winnah!!  But sadly, as it is Ruby Rose, we all lose!


Only, we don't really, because we get Moe in the background!  So MOE!!!!!

It only took two full minutes of awkward Kanedan sexbotting before we start hearing about the exotic erotic techniques RR brings to the table, including Quasaring and Dunking the Cosmic Doughnut. Too bad LD isn't in the scene, because of the pair he's clearly the AC/DC. SR is just lost.

Oh!!! OHH!!!!

"On the other hand, if you prefer male anatomy I come with interchangable parts."

That.

That is.

Perfect.

Drink perfect, in fact.   Apparently I'm not the only one who caught on!

so.  oh, fuck it, before I go on, when I woke up I remembered that AED is Automatic Electric Defibrilator, so there. Also, where was I? Oh, yes: In todays very special episode all the women will show the ghey guy their tits. That is all.  And scene.  at last.

Eh, more not-telenovela. Bored now.  For the record, RR has a perfectly lovely face, and I have seen much worse actressing in my life.  She is just bad enough, and meh lovely enough that it gets annoying to see her constantly hyped as the next big thing. She.isn't.good.enough.

Then we get Moe-droid trying to win back the cru (or SR anyway) with a display of accents. So Moe, but... I gotta pass here.  On the other hand, when SR leaves the scene and she stops doing her many accents and quietly zips back up her jumpsuit....  I'm crying, mang. Crying. Soooooo muuucchhhh Moe.

No words. Just Moe.  


BUBBA!!!

So, I've been quietly convinced that the actor playing Gun Guy has been slumming it in this show.  Now that they've got a serious actress for him to act against, I have my proof.   Gun Guy is totally slumming it in this show.   The actress reminds me a little bit of Famke, which is very much a compliment.  They get a full minute of Sepia Toned Flashback with no dialog (the flashback is longer, I'm talking about the no-dialog part) that tells us about as much about Gun Guy as the entire last episode told us about that bastard, Monk.  

I imagine his backstory was a single paragraph, and as deep as the novel that bastard Monk delivered.   Hell, I'll write it up right now.

"I was a heartless merc, a real bastard. I met a girl, fell in love for the first time, found meaning in my life. I knew I'd only bring her pain, so I resolved to leave her, to save her from the bastard I really knew I had to be, but... she believed in me. Then she got sick and I lost her. She... she never saw the man I was, only the man she knew I could be."

Bam!   and POST, while I dry my eyes. Between Moe-droid and Gun Guy I'm a wreck. A drunken, slobbery rhinosaurus wreck.   I'm drinking to that backstory, and you should too.

Moe.

That is all.

Confirming my deep dislike of Ruby Rose, when Moe-droid brings maximal Moe to her first direct interaction with RR... she gets shot by RR.  

I mean. Nanites, yo, but still.

So.

Gun Guy is in Infirmary with Dying Girlfriend, and The Kid

RR shoots Moe-Droid on the bridge to prevent her from Stasising up Dying Girl (again).

SR, LD and that bastard Monk are all eating a 'special meal' prepared for them by RR when GMGF enters the scene. RR remotely locks them in the room from the bridge.  GMGF is teh only one who attempts to open the door to find out that they've been locked in, because OF COURSE.  that is all. Drink? Sip. That's just a sip.

After commerical break we have Cyrus King addressing the crew. Who? I dunno, but he's speaking through Ruby Rose, so that's... a thing.  His Voice is a better actor than she is, so score one for the audience!

Fuck yeah!  Gun Guy is ON FLEEK!

so, faced with flying into a star and all that he takes Dying Girl back to her stasis pod for use as a future plot device, takes a call from GMGF, who apparently passed him a post-it note under the table, and they roleplay the fuck out of luring RR to... um.. the portside maintenance deck?... for him to shoot her, over the comms.  I mean, I don't know what the note said (yet), but it wasn't to go turn the engines off.

The Kid, of course, is Pensive and asking for Exposition doorstops.

GOD DAMN GG and Dying Girl are acting the fuck out of their scenes together.  Twenty words between the two of them, max.   I'm going to miss her, and i just know when they bring her back (probably in a later season) it won't be as good.  Heartbreak, thy name is Hollowwood.


Anyway: The Kid gets on the bridge via, what else, a ventilation shaft and looks briefly pensive over the body of Moe-droid.   Gun Guy wins initative with Bubba against Ruby Rose, but, well, Droid, so... not very effective.  Should have brought Raquel, Gun Guy... should have brought Raquel.  I know, I know... Bubba is much cooler, but, well, he's sort of impractical.  Some sort of shockwave gun or something, and right now you need bullets.

And... the GM is a dick, because Bubba is empty after two whole shots? They must be using Feng Shui, where ammo depletion rolls are dependent on how cool the gun is.  But what would be his archetype? He's too competent to be a Gun Nut, and he's clearly not a 'killer'....  eh, drink to GM dickery, I guess.

So he goes for Lulu and Pip, smart man, but Ruby Rose forces a Kung Fu showdown instead, where she has the advantage.  Hey, I don't care much for Waif-Fu as I used to, but I'll ignore it for androids vs humans, even if the android in question is played by Ruby Rose.    Fit shits, yo.

Well, clearly Gun Guy SHOULD be an Ex-Commando, but he'd have more Kung Fu if he was, so he's gotta be just a scruffy take on the Killer archetype.  RR is so bad that they don't even give her any real Waif-fu here, just some weird rip-off of a looney-tunes fight.  

Anyway, Gun Guy tries to Parlay his way out of a losing fight and...

So.  Sigh.

Okay.  RR leapt up from her being 'turned on' (groan) and pretty much lured the cru into liking her (umlauts cost extra) by cooking for them.  There was no 'cleaning' being done, and she put the moves hot and heavy on the very-so-not-ghey-you-guys Serious Roleplayer to Dunk the Cosmic Doughnut, because... UST, because Two Fucks like a Man, even when the Men don't.

So.

Having her complain about doing these things to Gun Guy, who hasn't even sampled her cooking, much less her Cosmic Doughnut, is just really, really... REALLY... sloppy writing.  

MInd you, he was The Guy that should have been exploiting her the entire episode, right?  But he was busy getting some serious acting on with Dying Girl instead (and no, I wouldn't trade that for a heartbeat, not even if you pulled Moe-face on me. I got standards, y'all!), so they gave all that to Serious Roleplayer to do, no matter how Suspension of Disbelief it got.  Only, he's not here getting his ass beat for having the wrong archetype.

sigh.

And... feminist call out?

"I thought you were designed to serve, not to kill?"

"I find your views on androids both antiquated and offensive."

I... would find that funny if it was Serious Roleplayer getting his ass beat. Mostly I find Serious Roleplayer getting his ass beat a lot of fun, but again: we haven't had ANY scenes with Gun Guy that deserve that.  Also. Sudden Sword is Sudden.

Loner-Ninja-Badass strikes again!

Wait? Bring her HEAD to the bridge (to crack passwords I guess) but Space her Body?  I...

hmmm...

its bad, but is is a drink bad? Or is it so bad I should refuse to drink?  I mean... what, this has taken almost four hours for a single episode as it is... so... drink? Sure, when in doubt and all that.

Goddamnit!

So. aside from shit SFX with Ruby Rose's head in a box (I mean... clearly, she's in a box with her head coming out of a hole...), they have a bit where some sort of power malfunction....

... wrecks the stasis pod with dying girl?

Fuck you, show. Fuck you with a rusty pitchfork. No, with Bubba. sideways, all five feet of him.  Take it like a boss for that bullshit.  

That's it. I'm offering gold to murderhobos. Anyone need a quest? I got some writers that need a few.... lessons... in manners.   Where did I stick my pointy hat...


And... sigh. Gun Guy and Leather Daddy get their asses kicked by the now headless sexbot body for fake tension while they look for the password for nav control. Frankly, I'm still pissed about... well... you know. They killed Dying Girl in some of the most contrived bullshit ever to crawl out the back end of a bull.  I think there is a bar at the end of the block. It'll do for a tavern. Gotta be some murder-hobos around here, its teh motherfucking Badlands, after all.

No, I am NOT showing them any mercy, not even when Gun Guy confronts first her dead body in the Vault, then when Serious Roleplayer tries to take guilt on himself for activating teh Sexbot and Gun Guy shuts him down like a motherfucking Boss.   I mean... I should. I'll accept second rate murderhobos, but that's as much mercy as I'm prepared to offer.  

I mean, when it comes to sci-fi Gun Guys, I still prefer Jayne, but I gotta admit that 'Marcus/Three' is a much deeper, more complex character.    

That feels like a betrayal. I mean, I have it on very good authority (well... my Ex, but whatever) that, in real life, I AM Jayne, but I gotta be honest here. Gun Guy is just deep, yo.

And... we end. Loner-ninja-badass, that bastard Monk, doing his Fightan Training. The Kid looking Pensive at the dead body of Dying Girl. Gun Guy looking deep as shit, yo alone, and... sigh... UST not-Telenovela as GMGF confronts the 'totally-not-ghey' Serious Roleplayer in his quarters while HE is in a towel, and they... ahem... fade to black, or rather to Credits.

Disbelief totally not suspended, and I'm guessing GMGF totally took advantage of the Modular Components of Ruby Rose in an unshown scene. Probably kept a few, otherwise this 'relationship' just won't work.  

Weirdly, they still have money and Moe-Droid is out of commish, still.

Oh HELL Naw!

So Ep 8, with a recap of previously on. Normally I let that pass unremarked, because, well...

But based on what they chose, this is clearly a Backstory Episode.

All I know is there better be Moe-droid.

Before I continue, the Booze Report. So, in honor of our God Emperor, the Orange Berlisconi, I am taking a Covfefe break instead of a coffee break, mostly because between last night's run and this one, I'm down to half a bottle of scotch already. This is good shit, mind you... but I should be drinking the cheap shit. I may tap into my room-mates Modelo just to stretch the supply.  I am a superhuman drinker, which is entirely appropriate as I am, in fact, the Scottish Jesus. I have photographic evidence.    Clearly there is a good buzz going, but with that comes a mild headache, which is six.. no, eight... hours ahead of schedule. That is... annoying.

Anyway, on with le episude (Fake french for the win!)

ok, so way too quick for a comment, but:

First: I doubt space stations have concrete walls.  Just sayin'. Also, there is a... I presume Android (Hair seems to be a givaway for this show) who manages to look even MORE Famke than dying girl did, despite being le blonde.   Lastly, with the previous cameos from killjoys I really want the random NPC in this scene where Leather Daddy tries to get intel on his Nemesis to be the killjoy boss from, well, Killjoy. Not the Big Bad, the Awesome Ginger with Rockstar Hair.  I mean... I REALLY wanted him to be that guy, but he's not. He's some random, shit, Kanedan Actor that isn't a magnificent Ginger Asshole.

Well.. I mean teh guy does vaguely remind me of James Hetfield, so there's still some rockstar asshole to go 'round.

So, I guess that the hair does NOT mean Android, either that or she's a shit android.  Also, James Hetfield shoots Leather Daddy to death. I'm guessing... vacation clone?

Four Hours Earlier? Really????

Also: Vacation Clones explode into ash like vampires when killed? Sure, whatever.

Oh... gawd. The hilarity.  This is a drink, I swear. I'm still doing my Covfefe, but whatever.  So GMGF is looking over the 'dead' Moe-Droid, and the 'totally not ghey' Serious Roleplayer sneaks up behind her and gives her a surprise hug and she Waif-fu's his ass. Mind you their last scene together was her getting ready to peg his bony boy butt. But the combination of Waif-Fu, awkward 'totes not ghey, you guys' and surprise hug just... well... I mean, Drink and all.  What are you going to do?  

Also: GMGF can totes pilot the ship to dock, because Cleavage!  

Well, I mean it makes sense that someone can fly the ship, but apparently Leather Daddy is only good for Pilot:Small Craft?  Because Moe-Droid was totally just a security measure that was activated for... reasons.  Damnit... now I'm trying to figure out why the hell Moe-droid was activated ( I mean, within the story. Clearly she was activated because, well, Moe. All of the Moe.  but, that's like, meta and shit.)

Hmm.. Covfefe and Scotch? Two great tastes that absolutely do NOT belong together!   The sacrifices I make for you guys.

Wait? They don't have Space Seat Belts?  Um... okay?

So... apparently the GMGF is a shit pilot, what with Serious Roleplayer lookign like she left the cattle prod... I mean Shock Stick... in his ass last night and EVERYONE on board stopping what they are doing to look around while she flies the ship into dock.

rockin' soundtrack for that Go-Girl moment, tho!

So. Loner-badass-ninja, that bastard Monk is peeved because mopy Gun Guy is stomping on his loner-badass routine.  Awwww....

So, Gun Guy is fucking Deep, and he and that bastard Monk have a manly man bro moment, mostly because even that bastard Monk can't drop maximally calculated Badass on Deep Gun Guy, so he's  got no choice but to RP the fuck out of the scene with him.  I ain't seen manly this deep since Bulvae stepped out of his death bed to face off the Dragon with the Line of His People Before Him, and that is fucking some deep manly shit.  I'm going to go out and chop some wood for a few hours now...

... with my bare hands.

Oh god, Serious Roleplayer is SUCH a bad actor, you cannot BELIEVE

Oh, goddamnit, Show. You had one perfect scene between Six and Five. One, and I don't even really think you earned it. Don't ruin it now by having Five crave a little Leather Daddy attention. Please?

wait... they made a joke about Anal?

No, seriously. Kanedans made a TV joke about Anal. Anal Gesic?  While eating Mealworms at a fancy restaraunt.  I... no, that is...  I mean.. Serious Roleplayer is in the scene?

No, no drink for Anal jokes.  Anal is serious business.

And Gun Guy is channelling Stallone from Demolition Man. Best Damn Mealworm Burger he's ever had, yo.  That... that deserves at least a sip. Any Demo Man reference, no matter how stretched and thin, is worth something.

So, remember when I complained about re-showing an entire scene in an episode? Who knew, but Kaneda was listening!  We're back to concrete hallways and Not-droids, but its reshot!  Good Job?!

and yes, Vacation Clone. Also a 30 whole minute policy of waiting between vacations? How... draconian!  

I.. gotta drink. So much stupid, but Funny Stupid.  Yes, they will let him break their thirty minute rule to avoid being a faceless cog in a machine!  Oh joy!

And The Kid is dropping way too much exposiiton on us about travel clones, but its worth it when she ends with 'because I read the brochure!'.   Maybe concrete hallways are not on a space station?  I mean... whatever.

hhmm... so Six/Leather Daddy isn't keeping his secrets from the Cru, thanks to The Kid hacking, and they are going to send 'someone' after him in a Vacation Clone pod.  That bastard Monk volunteers and... the GMGF volunteer's Serious Roleplayer to go along?

We, the audience, know that Serious Roleplayer is not the Real Jace Corso, and Vacation Clones use DNA, not image mapping so... we're going to see the 'real' One?  Place yer bets. Mine is... a drink. If a different actor plays Serious Roleplayer, I drink to that.

"are you a couple?"

To Serious Roleplayer and that bastard Monk.

Giggles!!!!

So Serious Roleplayer starts to pull the same line Leather Daddy pulled to break the 30 minute rule, and has it thrown back in his face by teh NPC, and that bastard Monk, still batting a thousand, simply offers a bribe to keep the adventure moving.  Drink!

And the GM is absolutely DONE with Serious Roleplayer's whiny bitching!!!! OMG!! the Vacation Clone lady just closes his pod while he keeps interrupting with bullshit!   Hee!

And, after an obvious tease... so obvious that I was sure they were yanking my chain... one is...


... another actor!

That is a muddafukken Drink!

Hopefully this guy is any good.

They made me wait until fourteen good god damn minutes until the end of the episode to bring back Moe-Droid, but when they did...


All.

The.

Moe.


SOOOOOOOooooooooo Much Moe.


Totally worth it.

That is all.

So, the General. Clearly they wanted Michael Ironsides, but I guess he's not Kanedan enough?  

I guess this is as good a place as any: the guy playing Leather Daddy?  His eyes are too wide man. Freaks me out.  Like... dancing elephants creeps me out.  And, you know? He doesn't really open his mouth when he talks. Lips? Sure, teeth? Not so much.  I mean, he's doing a good job acting up in here and all that, but...  yeah.  Just had to get that off my chest, I guess.

I especially hope that the new guy replaces the old guy for Serious Roleplayer, even though we've only had one scene with him.  I can't say he's any good, but he is better. Low bar and all that.

lolwut?!

The General was a Vacation Clone too?  This is getting silly!

Getting. Teee!!!

That's a drink for bad GMing!

As Leather Daddy says "Are you kidding me?"

At least the show seems to know how very bad it can be.

Ah, crap. We're back to teh Original. Still, its hilarious that GMGF, who is still wearing her neck bandage from Space Zombies, despite revealing herself completely wolverine healed two episodes ago, is accusing Serious Roleplayer of lying to everyone for concealing the truth.    

"And you, you knew. That's just as bad."

"Its not as bad. Besides, it was strictly for blackmail purposes."

HEE!!!!

You know? I would totally have praised this show if, after all her bullshit about having to work together, to trust one another, etc... if GMGF had peeled her bullshit bandage off her neck and revealed her unbroken, mutant healing factor, skin.  But she didn't, so... fuck you, show.

Wait?!!! Did Moe-Droid just call GMGF on her bullshit bandage? I think she just call the GMGF on her bullshit Bandage!  AND we have Serious Roleplayer using Space Google?!!  Well, shit, son. That's Drinking Time.

Also, Moe Droid is Best Droid.

Just, you know, for the record. In case you didn't know.


Also Star Wars 36, fully remastered and with VR. They say its a classic. Also, Kid? Leave the Moe to the Droid. Really, she's got this.


Wow, so this show packs most of the best stuff into the pre-credits minutes. We got that bastard Monk calling his brother, the new Emperor of Ishida, we find out Serious Roleplayer is Derrick Moss, who's wife was murdered by Gun Guy.... and as I mentioned, Moe-droid calling GMGF on her bullshit bandage, complete with enough Moe to carry me through an entire episode (though she did more earlier...).

And... Post!

So, before I get deep into teh weeds on Episode... um... nine?
 
We've got six people on board.

Three have nemesiseseses.

Kid has a bearded man she pick pocketed.

Leather Daddy has Teh General

that bastard Monk has the dowager Empress who set him up for patricide.

And of course, Gun Guy, who has his dying girlfriend who is now dead.

But we ALSO have not one, but TWO heirs to serious power here.

We have

That bastard Monk, who is the true heir to the Ishida throne.

and now we have Serious Roleplayer (the Better Guy), who is Derrick Moss, heir to a Mega-corp. Not Farris, sadly, because that would be just too god damn precious.

Other than that we still have everyone's basic backstory EXCEPT for GMGF, who is actively rejecting her backstory, because she's banging the GM and he wants to tell an Amnesia story?  Well, that doesn't really make sense, I guess, but whatever.

Dear god, we DO have Player Characters!!!!!

If ever I have a GM tell me that my character 'doesn't fit' his campaign... I'm going ot show him this show and double, no... TRIPLE... dog dare him.   I thought that... um... Defiance... was bad. This... this is pure Roleplaying Gold Standard bad. This is motherfucking pick-up Con-Game Bad.   This is GMGF giving hummers under the table shit-show bad! Corsets for everyone!!!!

Cleavage optional.

Okay. GMGF is still playing Traveller, and wants to crunch the numbers after they've left the station.  

Also: After... five episodes?... The Kid gets her goggles. I remember, motherfuckers. Can't sneak that shit past me!  I'm a motherfucking Pika of DOOOMMMM!!!! An' don't you forget it.


Sip for Goggles.  SIP YOU BASTARDS, SIP!!!!

Was there an STD joke in there?  I think there was an STD joke in there. Also, Gun Guy bought Wiskey even though it wasn't on the list. Stay Classic. No, I mean Classic, you tards.  That is classic Gun Guy RP right the fuck there.  Also, Juice Callback, but only one episode, but then they ham handed the motherfucking goggles, so...

Wait? Wut?

They... they LOST Four? you just... lost that bastard Monk? On a starship? In Space? On some rando planet with trees and shit that no one visited? Do you even space, brah?

Fucking Fish-man Hybrids.  Fucking can't write for shit!


So, Covfefe break. Totally gonna ruin my buzz, so I may call for extra drinks with sloppy reasoning.  But the good/bad news is I can still walk straight, so I'm not exactly straining my liver here.

anyway.  Badass Monk does badass stuff to space samurai, forgettable.

Then they lampshade how little he does on teh ship and... and this is drink worthy... The Kid mentions she hides in the vents sometimes just because!

Well, I said it was drink-worthy, so... We Drink! To Hiding In Vents!!!!!

Oh, shit. Gotta refill my glass. Hmm.. ok, I post, then fill, then drink, then back here in Five! Break!

Callback to Charlotte's Web?  OMFG!!! That's the 'classic' that Serious Roleplayer found in the hold back in Ep 1????  And he gave it to Gun Guy!!!!!????

Why do Space Samurai fight with western style fencing?

Oh.

Right.

Kanedans.

Lol!!!

The Kid just totally lampshaded that GMGF 'knows everything' because, well, Cleavage. And probably anal. I mean, if the GM is getting anything he's getting the dirty, because that's just how she rolls.  Hey. They started it.


And... Space Zombie bullshit bandage callout but STILL no reveal to teh Cru. (buy your own damn Umlauts! I'm fresh out!)

so... I suspect I'll like Sensei NPC-san, but now we get 'vaseline smeared lens' flashback to the same damn memory we already saw, only cut more to make it go faster. Sigh.

I do like the kid playing young Monk, so there is that.  And Imagine: A show where excuses are made for abusive asshole dad?!!!  What is the world coming to????


So. Leather Daddy and Serious Roleplayer talk about revenge. Man, they are giving ALL the deep shit to Leather Daddy, aren't they? I mean: Sure, he's the most normal and relatable character, and probably the most likeable after Moe-droid... though Gun Guy is probably the dude you'd want to hang out with most (again, after Moe-Droid...), but damn.  And mind you, we just learned Serious Roleplayer has inherited a revenge kick against Gun Guy, so that adds extra deep to this convo, despite SR being the single.weakest.link in the acting game of teh Cru.

oooohhhhh.... Gun Guy and Moe-droid are about to have a scene together? THis should be most excellent!  

In honor of expected Excellence, Post!

you know what I'm going to say.


I mean. You know. I'm going to drink and not say it.  

No, I'm not crying. I just have dry eyes is all, dust.  Yeah. Dust. I'm like. allergic and shit. Hay fever.

oh, how cute. Serious Roleplayer is trying to brood in his room while getting his amnesia vengence dead wife kick on with a ten pound dumbbell.

So hard.  I mean. SO very, very hard. I... I'm in awe of his manliness.

This? This is what you followed That with?  

Yeah. No drink, and no post.

That's right, you just imagined this post. It doesn't exist, just like Serious Roleplayer's heterosexuality.

Amnesia causes teh Ghey?

Just like a Serious Roleplayer, he is such a tryhard.

And... GMGF Is totally calling him on his bullshit, but, of course, he's convinced its his destiny (or Destiny, you know, in honor of the videya game) to kill Three now. For Revenge. Because, Try-Hard.


So, I do like Sensei NPC-San, though I think the actor is a bit, just a bit mind you, rubbish.

Now to Leather Daddy pumping iron, because OF COURSE!  Only. Three 35lb weights per side, on a light bar? Do you even lift, brah? because if you lift, why do I have to ask you if you lift?

Nah. I'm fun'nin. I'm sure those are 25's, and I know he probably had to do sets for an hour to get the shot right. Even in Kaneda.

ok. so maybe I'm drunk, but did they magically turn into 45's after teh jump-scare from The Kid? Also, in honor of Cinemasins: here, eat an apple Kid, it will make you look more like an asshole.

Ok, so once again The Utility Player proves to be the MVP, he damn near causes The Kid to break character again by making her so damn Pensive she breaks.  I mean, he looks goofy as hell working out (and seeing how big he is, that's gotta be teh director's fault...), but once again he motherfucking delivers teh goods in the acting department.  

He did, he DID break her. She's gunna cry?  Jeezuz, man. Don't stress her like that. She's not Moe-Droid, she's not built for all that Moe. No Nanites here (how DO they work???? For the record, I had my first Faygo just last week...)

super discounted Peter Stormare?  THat's... god that's awful.  

I mean: how much does it cost to hire Stormare? Fuck, dude's got no standards whatsoever, right? He'll appear in anything, even car commericials.   Is it because he's not Kanedan? Thats... that's soooo raciss....

I mean... you could hire him for breakfast at Tim Hortons, you fucking assholes.  Sigh.

Sweet mother of GOD! Super-discounted Peter Stormare want... Sensei NPC-san's BOOTS? THat is... that is so RPG its not even funny.  There appears to be scotch in my glass, so I'm going to have to, against my better judgement, give that a drink!

Also, for good measure...


POST!

"Please, I have a wife... children."

"They can do better."


hheeee....


And... Gun Guy, so deep in all the best ways. No fake deep, no try hard deep. Just... you know, asshole and shallow seeming, but full of deep.    Fuck, we need another scene with him and Moe-droid, stat!

and Sensei NPC-San. Such a deep, complex character. Yes, yes. the actor is rubbish.  Hmm... if only. A scene with him, Moe-droid and Gun Guy? No. no. It wouldn't work. We need a good actor, not a great character.

Seriously? How hard is it to understand the word 'Surrounded'? Fucking Kanedans. Never mind the bullshit Try-hard SR planning to kill Gun Guy in the middle of a gun battle with Space Samurai, because we already know how that scene plays out. Surrounded, motherfuckers. Its a simple word in the english language. It means, and check me on this if you must, SURROUNDED.

Not: We're all right here facing you.

Surrounded. As in "around".

Sigh.


THe Everliving Fuck???

So. loner-ninja-badass, that bastard Monk is rescued by the Cru, who totally don't understand the english language, but whatever.  All the Space Samurai are killed except, OF COURSE, Sensei NPC-San.  He and that bastard Monk share a moment of manly bonding, after an entire episode of manly bonding... and then that bastard Monk totally sword murders him?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Dafuq????

Fucket. That's a drink for stupid PC tricks and not respecting the agency of NPCs.

I'm... I'm done with this episode. Even Moe-droid can't save it now. I'll see you in the pre-ten recap.

So, recap from.. nine?

Six and Five kiss and make up while Five is in, what else, a vent. Four continues to be a loner-ninja-badass. I may forgive the loss of Sensei NPC-San if Emperor Brother-San keeps being brought up, maybe. I mean, I've already got Hobo-murderers on a quest for blood vengence for... um... shit, I don't remember, but I'm sure it was really, really bad writing.  we get more Fightan Practice, and then... boom, shit happens for cliffhanger, when three farris corp destroyers manage to ambush the Raza and kill the FTL drives, and Episode!

Oh. And we see Gun Guy wiping away manly tears of manliness while reading Charlotte's Web.  Deep, I tell ya.


And, Begin Episode whatever!:

So, Traveller. I mean, we learn that the Raza has, um, railguns and shit. (barbettes?), but no missiles because reasons, and the Farris corp guys launch a nuke. 20 megatons. The Shield will NOT hold.

So Moe-droid. lub.

Anyway: Plot resolution by Railroad. GM Fiat, whatever. Mee-Kay combine ships interfere with the Farris Corp plans, and the same Mee-Kay actress as Ep 2 shows up to drive this plot train forward, which... I guess is good, after a couple of backstory eps? Sure, that sounds good, yeah.

So, I like the actress playing the Mee-Kay rep. She reminds me of someone, but all I can think of is 'We are three hot girls... " or something like that.  Also, i should drink for loner-ninja-badass that bastard Monk threatening to cut out her tongue to prove he's hard core. That is totally PC of him.  Also:She's giving a quest, so this entire ambush was the GM's railroad in action.

And lastly: "Research station is about to make a discovery.' Fish-men strike again!!!!!

So, in sum total: Drink, motherfuckers, drink!

Ahhh... the good stuff.

oh... oh...

Ah, you know what I'm gunna say, but I'm gunna say it anyway.

So, the boys meet to discuss the job offer, and Gun Guy gives Serious Roleplayer the raspberry about his 'girlfriend'... and they cut to, of course, Leather Daddy.

Seriously. Are they reading my slash fic account? *

oh, and after Serious Roleplayer totally defends his honor about being his own man? The very next guy to get asked for his opinion? Leather Daddy.  No, really.

and... GMGF doing the weights thing, but really... they check her neck bandage, so... that's still a thing. Still. Zombie plague bites and all that jazz.  Getting... tired? Yeah, tired (or, alternatively, tiered? I mean, I have no idea what that would mean, but it seems like a good language based joke, so... make something up for it and have a good belly laugh at how clever I am, would ya?)

where was I? Oh, yeah... so, gonna skip Telenovela weak-sauce, and wait for somethign good.

soooo... gunna have to drink.  Lemmee 'esplain. No, that will take too long, lemmee sum up.

Cru shows up at rendezvous and bunch of rando mooks are waiting. Everyone draws guns, we get a 'that's not rhetorical' from lead mook and M-K rep shows up to parlay/introduce NPC mook 'partners' for job.

Soooooo much bad D&D flashback. Soo mcuh. Fuck it, you get misspelling, adn I get a drink. (typed Much four times and still got it wrong each time. Yay for booze?)

I doan wanna drink no mores!!!! Sigh.  Rulez, mang.

oh... noes!!! Red vs Blue Moe-Droid? Two moe-droids???? No! No, I can't take it! TWO MUCH MOE!!!!

ok, so red Moe isn't really very moe at all, but damn, excuse for Blue-Moe all over the place.  

Er

I'll post now.

Yeah...






*Full disclosure, I have no idea what a slash-fic account would be. I just know that 'slash' is code for ghey shipping, m'kay? No, you don't get to know how I know what I know about knowing... that.

sooo...

the GM has clearly had enough Shenannigans, because the quest giver ALSO has done the planning for teh Cru.   Please, please, PLEASE (and even a Leeloo Dallas Plez for good measure) don't do a Shadowrun Mr. Johnson betrayal!!!  

AND... she tells Gun Guy no weapons? Because.. shooting the wrong control panel could blow the WHOLE STATION

Fucking Fish-men.  Feh.

And... they are seriously trying to Moe up The Kid? Not buying it. Besides, we have Two Moe-droids in this episode. Go back to hiding in vents, Kid... and looking Pensive.

"Actually, we prefer not to let our relationship be defined by artibrary catagories and outmoded social distinctions."

Well, mook girl. You, and for that matter Jack White, can suck my pika-cock.  I got scotch and you are from Kaneda. I win.

Wait? The Mook Boss is named Wexler????

TEEE!!!!!!

I'll..

Yes, yes I will

Drink.
To.
That.


And Serious Roleplayer is going to play let's you adn him fight between GMGF and NPC-Wexler? Sure... sure... how big is the modular anatomy she took from Ruby Rose anyway?




And... and they totally do, just out in teh hallway where he can't see. So, drink for Waif-fu? Sure, drink for Waif-fu.  Never mind that he's got something like 12 hours to heal from a broken arm for the job, because GMGF needs to show off her badass.

and... kicking Wexler's ass means.. The Kid is now on the mission?  And now the payoff for all that bullshit about her not being really part of teh cru?  Hmm... drinking now is a bad idea, but then again... drink!

"Of course! I'm just messing with you!"  lol, glad for drink, because that would be, well, drink.

is it wrong to like Wexler?  I mean... side from getting waif-fu'd, he's got my general attitude of faux humble and general braggadaccio...  I like Wexler, I said it.

Ghey fer Wxler? Mmm... not quite. Yes, I missed the 'e', suck it. I'd rather brag about drunk misspellings than fix 'em.  Too many S's., see?

I seen bald-beard guy before.  Didn't mention him, but I like him. Heck, I think I like about half of Wexler's Crew more than I like the Raza's cru. Well, that's because Serious Roleplayer is weak sauce, and the Kid just owns Pensive, and... well, Leather Daddy just, well, he just looks weird, mang.

I'm sorry, but I'd rather have the incest twins and bald-beard guy... and yes, Wexler (though he is rubbish too.... lots of rubbish actors on this show....)

hmm.

So the Incest Twins are psychopaths, and yes, The Kid was in the big box o' plumbing supplies. Nothing worth reporting, but...

After locking up the incapacitated... tech/mooks, GMGF turns to Incest Twins to ask if they know what they're stealing. The whole damn scene, all twnety seconds of it, is... well... not quite right.  Like... its too perfectly weird for my drunk ass, which means sober me would be creeped out by how weird it would be... if I were sober.

Yeah, I got mad drunk problem solving skills.  Its okay to be Jelly.

Also, I REALLY should drink for all the Player Character Sidebar Conversations in this episode, so... I will.  Yup, you heard me.

yay for dude-droid?  and GM-asshole timing?  I mean, that's a drink for asshole GM timing, I guess, but... really?  sigh. Time to recharge my glass.

Bald-Beard dude thinks Androids have glass jaws?  And Gun Guy (with no guns!) says: I Hate Robots.  TEEE!!!!

"Catch Me!" ????  Really? Fuck, I can't drink again, not yet. Same scene. whew!

anyway; Dude-droid kicks all three guys asses and is tasered into submission by The Kid. Electricity don't work that way, Kid... you ALSO just shocked teh hell out of.. um... not gonna rewind, but Serious Roleplayer. (X's fingers, becuase typing crosses is too much wrk)

.... and fire the editor. I know actors are asked to give several different readings on the same basic line, but its teh EDITORs job to pick the best one, not keep two or three of tehm together in teh damn scene!  Grrrr.. GIve me Moe-droid, or else!

wait? bald-beard guy is 'Kane'? Really? or, you know, Cain?

Wexler, now Cain? or Kane?

Man, we got the B-team, didn't we?

well, the next micro-scene does include Moe-droid. I mean, that's so not what I was asking for, but it IS the letter of what i was asking for, so I guess I... I have to take it? Im not happy about this either. II may go for covfefe after this ep is over. both of me.

Kane and Gun Guy exchange funny dialog about technobabble delivered by The Kid. Worst. Tenchobabble.Yet.

soooo...

obviously even bad technobabble does teh job. Bit of a schocker, I no. (that originally was a 'Big' shocker, but drunk spellings and all...), but I just want to comment that for the most part the station security protocols seem... on point.  I mean. I'm as shocked as anyone by this development, but there you have it.  

Eh. Eye focus problems, and touchpad shenannigans means... Post!  even without caps.

I seen bald-beard guy before.  Didn't mention him, but I like him. Heck, I think I like about half of Wexler's Crew more than I like the Raza's cru. Well, that's because Serious Roleplayer is weak sauce, and the Kid just owns Pensive, and... well, Leather Daddy just, well, he just looks weird, mang.

I'm sorry, but I'd rather have the incest twins and bald-beard guy... and yes, Wexler (though he is rubbish too.... lots of rubbish actors on this show....)

hmm.

So the Incest Twins are psychopaths, and yes, The Kid was in the big box o' plumbing supplies. Nothing worth reporting, but...

After locking up the incapacitated... tech/mooks, GMGF turns to Incest Twins to ask if they know what they're stealing. The whole damn scene, all twnety seconds of it, is... well... not quite right.  Like... its too perfectly weird for my drunk ass, which means sober me would be creeped out by how weird it would be... if I were sober.

Yeah, I got mad drunk problem solving skills.  Its okay to be Jelly.

Also, I REALLY should drink for all the Player Character Sidebar Conversations in this episode, so... I will.  Yup, you heard me.

yay for dude-droid?  and GM-asshole timing?  I mean, that's a drink for asshole GM timing, I guess, but... really?  sigh. Time to recharge my glass.

Bald-Beard dude thinks Androids have glass jaws?  And Gun Guy (with no guns!) says: I Hate Robots.  TEEE!!!!

"Catch Me!" ????  Really? Fuck, I can't drink again, not yet. Same scene. whew!

anyway; Dude-droid kicks all three guys asses and is tasered into submission by The Kid. Electricity don't work that way, Kid... you ALSO just shocked teh hell out of.. um... not gonna rewind, but Serious Roleplayer. (X's fingers, becuase typing crosses is too much wrk)

.... and fire the editor. I know actors are asked to give several different readings on the same basic line, but its teh EDITORs job to pick the best one, not keep two or three of tehm together in teh damn scene!  Grrrr.. GIve me Moe-droid, or else!

wait? bald-beard guy is 'Kane'? Really? or, you know, Cain?

Wexler, now Cain? or Kane?

Man, we got the B-team, didn't we?

well, the next micro-scene does include Moe-droid. I mean, that's so not what I was asking for, but it IS the letter of what i was asking for, so I guess I... I have to take it? Im not happy about this either. II may go for covfefe after this ep is over. both of me.

Kane and Gun Guy exchange funny dialog about technobabble delivered by The Kid. Worst. Tenchobabble.Yet.

soooo...

obviously even bad technobabble does teh job. Bit of a schocker, I no. (that originally was a 'Big' shocker, but drunk spellings and all...), but I just want to comment that for the most part the station security protocols seem... on point.  I mean. I'm as shocked as anyone by this development, but there you have it.  

Eh. Eye focus problems, and touchpad shenannigans means... Post!  even without caps.

so... dunno if drunk or bad connection, but post went thruogh intact, so Party!

oh, right: Ep.

So, Shock Sticks, again.

Cattle Prod, people. Fuck a duck this isn't rocket science!!!!


More Kanedan violence. Still, I appreciate the subtle blood-splatters as that bastard Monk swords security to death.   Taking a moment to clear my head... booze, you know. Trying to keep my high standards of posting intact, despite the fact that I'm only about 50% sure I can walk straight. Or... hmm... (math in head...) I am sure I can walk, but only 50% straight? Yeah, that sounds right.

maybe going for another round of v... um... lets start that again... covfefe (Nailed It. Who da man? Me, dats who!)... after this episode is either a really good, or really really bad idea.

Definitely not finihsing this series this weekend. yes, mispelling, fuck you.

ok, too drunk for research but Gun Guy just called Six/Leather-Daddy/Griffin Jones.. .Tony?   So... drunk research reveals that Six is Robert Cross, meaning SG-1 autism Guy is someone else. Id be embarassed, but I have only one quarter of my Scotch left, so... yeah. I got an excuse. Wadda u got? Nothing, you got nothing.  nyah, nyah!!!!!


so. tony.  What does it mean? Is it some Kanedan slang?  Speculate in the thread.

And male incest twin smuggled a cattle prod to wexler?  Don't give afuck. No, no fucks were given, that was just stupid. There are guns and swords and shit aboard this ship. Cattle prods only mean jack and shit when le Cru (ooooh... faux french and umlaut free faux german! Fancy!) are not aboardt heir ship.  Feh. even... Fegh.  Put the G in for real disgust.

And... Wexler Cattle Prod's Moe-Droid. Still no Fucks at all to give.  Seriously. Fish Men.  They're like aliens, only without all those cool starships and rayguns and shit.  Fish. Men.

Also: Wexler cattle prodded Moe-Droid.  There will be some biblical vengence delivered for this, I am sure.  I got me a pointy hat and a bunch o' murder hobos... just sayin'.

oh... lolcity. Male Incest Twin stole Bubba?  I mean, really? can this get any dumber? I'm sure it can, but we got... four minutes.  Sigh.

ooooohhhh...... right. Shadowrun Mr. Johnson.  

I am, for the record, too drunk to appreciate drunken camera shenannigans for waking crew after cattle prodding.  Do. The. Math.

Drunk. Plus Drunk Camera.  Equals... well?

yeah. I blame Kaneda.

Shit. I just realized that Shadowrun betrayal means...

sigh...

Drink.

Really?

Now?

Fuck me. okay. Okay> Rulez.

I'm gonna call this recap here, catch you on the other side... unless I get run over by traffic on my way to Covfefe.  The things I do for you.

Ok... booze report and end of episode recap.

So. Walking two blocks did NOT do me any favors. On the other had, the girl at the Covfefe (gas station...) reported only a 1 in 10 on the visibly drunk scale until the smell hit her. Scottish PIka, motherfuckers.  Superhuman.  On the other hand, I now compeltely understand the lyrics to Alice in Chains "Sickman".

And... Gun Guy gave up the code to the Big Logcked Door to save GMGF, but Wexler spaced her anyway.

All  of my keen insights into this situation are probably well known to you by now, so instead I'll talk about how I'm eating my favorite food (Deviled Eggs, no added sugar), and yet its completely a waste of time because I can't taste anything.  

Hm.

Drink to make up for food/walking, or just start the episode?  I guess... just start the episode. I mean: If I, after wtenty years, finally understand Sickman's lyrics, then I am more than beyond far gone, so extra drinking is sort of pointless,, maybe even suicidal. Also? The lightning on the horizen? (yes, I know you dind't see it...)... seriously tripping me out during the walk.  Sign from god?

so. Episode. (my computer assures me this is Eleventy. Yes, I know. Eleventy isn't the word. its a joke son.)

and... reusing footage from previous episode? Meh. Feh. even, and I'm pulling out the big guns here, Fegh.

and more Kanedan Violence.  Seriously? I'm gunna have to single handedly invade them just to teach them how to edit violence?  Sacrifices must be made.

oooohhhh... right. I forgot. This is Wexler betraying the team for bounty, not Mee-Kay girl. maybe.  

Well, with a name like Wexler, what do you expect?

hmm...

The Kid carries a knife in her boot because OF COURSE? I'm... not touching that. nope.  Also: The Cru is locked in hteir own vault by Wexler's Crew? sigh.

See. When Gun Guy says "When we get out of here, I'm going to kill them all." ?  I believe him. In fact, I am now rooting for him to kill them all. I'm keeping score.  In fact, I'm going to drink as part of my score keeping. Then I drink Covfefe so I don't die before my next post.

So setup done, that means POST!!!

Hey, Intern! I said... POST!

Sigh.

I have to do it all myself, don't I?

Booze report: down to a quarter bottle of scotch. Drinking now requires effort and concentration. Covfefe? Probably the same.  Typing? Heh, thanks to le intertubez I can take most of all night to correct typos, so you will never know.

Eyeballs hurt. Probably not a 'hangover', which is really just an alcohol induced dehydrated state.  Combination of staring at a screen and booze.  Going to reach for Covfefe now, absurdly grateful to GodEmperor Daddy/Berlesconi for that word, which really does serve all masters.

I'm sure somewhere someone is reading this and shaking their heads.  Fuck them, fuck them all. I got murderhobos by teh dozens to do my bidding. I don't need them anymore, just me and my Murderhobos.... my precious....

Eh. The stupidity of locking le Cru in their own vault rather than watching them is lampshaded I guess?

And... I'm seasick from weird camera angles. Thanks.

Of course, watching Serious Roleplayer get bet up by bald-beard guy was almost worth it?

anyway... Wexler is willing to Maim the Kid to get Serious Roleplayer to talk about some secret stash the Real Jace Corso may, or may not, have.  Well.

We have Moe-Droid, who is shocked unconscious, and we have GMGF who was spaced, but, well, you know.

Hmm. How will this play out?

no, its teh Incest Twins with a 'you need to see this' cliche. Also: Rapey. Meh.

I'll admit it. I'm bored to tears with this episode, so... short recap? Well...

and... male incest twin dies while eva and... big reveal! Its GMGF, who gets some wicked seeming SFX makeup when she is in the airlock. Still bored.

and saw that coming.

Sigh. So Female Incest Twin wants to interrogate/murder the Kid because OF COURSE.  When she slaps (really? REALLY???) The Kid, GMGF comes out of nowhere for catfight and, I'm going to assume, knife-murder.  oy.


neck break. Good enough. Fegh.

lol. Gun Guy makes an Epic Perception check. That should be a drink before I sober up too much.  sip? ok, sip.

See?  This is why Wexler is better than GMGF.  upon hearing from Kane that Female Incest Twin is dead he simply orders that Kane straight up dome-shot The Kid, no questions.

I mean... he's wrong as two birds fucking (roll with it here, we're being all Ghey Friendly...), but still... practical.  

Cleavage, what CAN"T it accomplish?

tthis is why, when the GM asks you for a Hummer, you say YES!

I am NOT doing oxygen consumption calculations based on teh cubic volume of the vault. No, not happening.  Screw you guys, I'd rather drink more than do that for you.  I mean. I 'm not doing that either yet, but still.  nope. Do your own math on how bullshit it is.

also... soooooooooooo not pointing out how shit Serious Roleplayer is, or how Leather Daddy is trying to protect him.  You on your own. Fuck this ep. Fuck it with Bubba, sideways.

I mean... I think I'd like this ep sober and not doing a drinking game/suicide watch... but right now?   Jokes and alcohol aren't cutting it, mang!  

Eh. I'm posting this, with 15 minutes left.  Probably catch you on the other side with the recap, if I don't pass out from sheer ennui first.  ahhh... sweet, sweet ennui.

seriously, if not for Ennui, Serious Roleplayer's oxygen deprived motivational speech would be worth serious jokes.

instead; The Kid's plot-box pistol (remember that???) is... still in a box. Also: Hit-squad Body armor apparently works better against bullets than Waif-Fu. Just... let that soak in. Let it marinate for a while, ferment... get stinky and rotten. THEN chow down.

Hypoxia? They used the word Hypoxia? Dafuq, mang? THey trying for some sort of prize for real-science in a Kanedan TV show?

This ep has so much You Go Girl I can't even.  I mean... I'm pretty sure I can't make another episode in this state, which is a fucking damn shame, since that means at least a week before I can do another, and yet... and yet I have eps left.

Only Moe can save us now!

Eh. GMGF is an artificial person, more advanced than Moe-droid. Not enough Moe to endure another ep right now.  Booze wearing off and boredom setting in.

I mean, for fugs sake, they deliver teh device and get paid... and the device Alderaan's the planet because OF COURSE, and credits? which means OF COURSE they will be blamed for it by Mee-Kay by next episode.

Meh.

Feh.

Fegh.






etc. ad nauseaum.


all I know is that the GMGF player must have one hell of a set of cleavage, corset or no corset.   And again, Moe-denial.

So, I'm off to bed, sort of vaguely early.

Looking back, I regret nothing.


Kidding. Clearly I reached a point of TOO MUCH alcohol and the quality of posts suffered, and not just because bad typing.  I did watch the last two eps, because, well, last two eps and I may fake-drinking game (my job precludes any drinking related shenannigans....) them later in the week.  Plenty of Moe and some RPG goofs to go 'round.

Ok, one last post before I head to work.  I think that, as I got drunker (and I DID get drunker the second round of episodes) the posting got much much weaker mostly because I wasn't describing the action on scene so much as just typing my reactions to the action on screen... which might work if you are watching along with me, but doesn't work so much in this format.

I'm definitely going to close out the season in this thread, and I'll probably go ahead and hit season two, because... OF COURSE, but I probably won't bother with the booze.  THe problem I have had is that it takes me two or three hours to 'react' to a 40 minute episode, which means that instead of just binge watching all 12 episodes in one night, I need two or three nights to get them all in, and when I tried to rush I didn't actually save any time, I just sacrificed content.  

Eleven was the moe-ist of Episodes so far... er... I think? I may be mixing in scenes from other episodes, so I'll re-watch it for the real 'live commentary' portion, and the season finale is a very special session of D&D  note passing and backstabbing, so it should be good.

I'm loving this thread. The observations are awesome. I wish I had a silhouette of you commenting as the show plays à la MST3K.
I'm actually starting up a new Star Wars game, and this show, along with your commentary, is giving me a lot to think about.

And SCENE:::

IN an office, somewhere in Kaneda!

Executive: "Ok, so we just revealed that Two is some sort of artificial person, but should Episode Eleven really be the one where we set up her backstory? I mean, its back to back and we still don't know much about Five."

Staff Writer: "Well, we're sort of strapped for ideas right now... I mean, we don't even have an ending for eleven, and all we've got set up for 'Five' is 'Man with Beard'..."

In the Distance: A scream of incredible agony that ends abrubtly with a wet sound.  A very junior executive runs in the room, sweating, his face pale.

Executive: "What was that?!"

Junior Executive: "Sir! Sir! Wil Weaton has been wandering around set, creeping out the actors and insisting everyone call him 'Alex'."

Executive: "I don't recall hiring Wil Weaton. Is he even Kanedan?  Who gave him a script?"  

Junior Executive: "No one gave him a script, Sir! He's... he just wandered in from somewhere. He keeps calling "Rebecca" For some reason."

Executive: "Well, get him out of there, we're over-budget as it is!"

Junior Executive: "We tried, sir! We've lost three Gaffers that way. They... they just... explode when they touch him!"

Enter a Wil Weaton Handler

Handler: "That's right. Wil Weaton embodies the complete opposite of Talent, he houses Anti-Talent particles. Anyone without any talent who touches him simply dies... messily. Only actors can survive long in his presence, and if you don't agree to put him in the episode, I won't tell you how to get rid of him! "

Executive: "Oh for fucks sake! , fine. Fine. We'll put him in the episode, we'll... I dunno, just work around him.  We can't afford to pay him though, the best I can offer is breakfast at Tim Horton's.*"

Handler: "Done.  Like any actor his greatest fears are growing old, and being unable to deliver any lines. Simply confront him with those and he'll wander back to his cave to hibernate until the terror leaves him."

Staff Writer: "Say... that gives me an idea to end the episode!"




* What's with the Tim Horton's, you ask? Well, as you know, Kaneda is very big, but sparsely populated. Maybe a hundred or so people call Kaneda home, and about half of them work in Hollowwood.  Tim Horton is a Kanedan who gets, as many Kanedans do, lonely, so... like many Kanedans, he often has people over to his house for meals. Tim (Don't call him Mr. Horton, that's rude, eh!) happens to be a very, very good cook, however, so pretty much every Kanedan has eaten at his house at least once, so now its considered friendly to invite Non-Kanedans to eat at Tim Horton's house... not for the non-Kanedans so much, but for Tim's sake, so he can keep meeting new people.

So the penultimate episode of season 1 (11? 12? I'm confused, and it easier for me to say Penultimate (which is, after all, teh correct word) than it is for me to sort out exactly how many episodes there are and subtract (MATH!!!! OH NOES!!!!) one.

Anyway: The episode begins with the GM giving The Kid another plot-ready flashback.  Its sort of interesting, I guess, seeing the characters Pre-Amnesia, only... and this is a major beef I've got with the season thus far... everyone seems to pretty much be acting like they've got their memories anyway.

Anyway: For no earthly reason whatsoever, The Kid bugged the dining room/conference room table, and now remembers that she did.  Sure.

Then we've got Moe-Droid explaining to GMGF that the device was a White Hole generator... and they say almost everything interesting you can say about White Holes except that they aren't just the opposite of a Black Hole but theoretically are teh 'other end' of a Black Hole. Anyway, we get some stuff about banned research and the fact that the planet was unoccupied and reasearch facilities in the distant future have 15k personnel... which seems... high.

Anyway, they chat with SG-1 asshole, and basically dispose of the whole 'Mee-Kay' subplot in a very shadowrun doublecross doubletalk fashion...

... and then he offers them 'One Simple Job' for, fo all people Farris Corp.

Sigh.  Well... if you ever played Shadowrun you already know how this will turn out.

And... we have GMGF and Serious Roleplayer doing the 'what is human' bit, bored now, especially since it eventually drifts into Not-Telenovela territory.  It does end with SR offering to be a Gay BFF for GMGF to dish too, so... yay?  

And.... The Kid's home made audio bug has encryption she can't crack? I mean the damn thing is pretty contrived as it is, but really? REALLLY?? OF COURSE!!!!

So, the mission goes... well... gosh, how DOES it go?  

Well, they walk into the place and a stray Wil Wheaton shows up, and he is either a better actor than I give him credit for, or he's just a weirdly creepy little man.  I really like how of our five notorious criminals we now have THREE who were using assumed names (since GMGF/Two was Portia Lin, and is NOW Rebecca. Because, Wil Wheaton, mang!)  Anyway, he drops her like a sack of potatoes, and Scene!


"No, I was referring to the passive agressive empty seat next to you."  Loner-Ninja-Badass and Leather-Daddy, for "Reasons" have stayed aboard teh shuttle and wax philosophical about anger, and apparently Leather-Daddy is blaming everyone else for delivering teh White Hole bomb?  Eh, these forced conflicts between the group are a bit... forced.  What makes this really silly is that seperating the group serves literally no purpose, as that bastard Monk and LD now join the rest of the guys for dinner with Wil Wheaton.  

And its as weird a scene as you can imagine.  Wil says he made "rebecca', and she escaped in a murderous rampage, yadda yadda, and that they can't  rescue her because, OF COURSE.

THis leads to a very bizzare scene where the guys just... go back to The Raza without GMGF. THe Kid pretty much sums up the audience's opinion here by repeatedly asking 'You left her?!"  

Because, you know, that's how this group rolls, right?  I mean, these guys are nothing if not lazy slackers who just let weird creepy little dudes with suits tell them what to do.

Oh! You silly show, you fooled me!!!

They just jumped close to teh Star to TRICK Wil Wheaton!!!  Well... yeah, I can see that.   I mean, he is really, really creepy.

Anyway, they make their plan, talky talky, The Kid wants to be a 'Real Member of teh Team'... which (since I cheated and watched the episode first...)... is especially silly given what The Plan actually is.

Then we get Moe Vs Moe!!!!   This scene is the Moe-est! This scene is more Moe than when that bastard Monk broke her Moe-heart by refusing to use her Google-Image search function!   I DARE you not to get all weepy when Blue-Moe tell's Red-Moe that GMGF is her friend.

What really makes it work, of course, is that Red-Moe is an antagonist in these scenes. Blue-Moe is legit worried about Red-Moe's judgement of her.
"... might I remind you, you are a machine."

"A Machine with Friends."

Absolute Peak Moe ACHIEVED!


So we have Wil Wheaton explaining to GMGF about how perfect she is (except for aging), and thus how very, very illegal.  I... look there are a lot of things I'll accept on face value, that areas of research might be banned and so forth, but I find it much harder to buy that the galaxy as a whole would expend even an iota of energy on tracking down the product of this particular branch of illegal research.   Like: When we treat cloning as illegal and unethical, no one suggests hunting down Dolly the Sheep.  Its the PROCESS we object to, not the produce (versus, for example: White-hole Doomsday planetcracking bombs...)

So lets talk about The Plan.

First: Moe-Droid's exit from the shuttle while in flight is, for the record, an absolutely perfect Airborne exit.  Someone give Moe-droid jumpwings, stat.

Also: that's pretty much it.  For the second episode in a row the Guys are utterly sidelined, doing pretty much nothing while the Episode goes on. THis is... just absolutely shit writing and GMing.  Just, shit.

Mind you, I'm not complaining, mind... because we, at last, get as much Moe-Droid as you could hope for. But if it weren't for Moe-Droid, you damn betcha!


Anyhoo: We have an excellent scene with random Mook Doctor and GMGF, where he explains how troubled he is by the sheer scope of the violence of her previous escape (when she was made), which highlights a problem... 'Rebecca' is, or was, clearly an extraordinarly violent and murderous escapee, pretty much butchering every man woman and droid on her way out the door... so he's got a good reason to hate and fear her, right? So why does he come across as having not just a revenge kick, but a sadistic revenge kick?  Can't anyone ever just have the justifiable emotions, they gotta go overboard? Kanedans, mang.

Then we get Moe-droid kicking ass, or at least her stunt double. I'll note that for the most part Andoids seem mostly to get buy on strength and durability, but we do have some acrobatic fightan going on here.

More on The Plan: The entire reason GMGF (who has superpowers, recall) needs rescuing is a 'dampening field' is shutting down her Nanites (How DO they work?!).  

Moe-droid is ALSO made of Nanites.  

Hmm...

Moe-Droid is a Moe of Focus, Committment, of Sheer, Fucking, Will

meanwhile: GMGF is recaptured during her own escape attempt, and recalling what I said earlier, they haul her back to teh lab to carve her brain out of her skull while she is awake and aware... because OF COURSE!!!

Of course, Moe-droid disables teh dampening field and once again Kanedans treat death as a minor inconvienence, and GMGF bone-saw murders a half dozen scientists because she's the hero.

Then:

"Would you like to help me blow something up?"

That is a totally sober TEEEEEEE!!!!!!


Though admittedly the delivery was lacking in the expected amount of Moe.  

We get a gratuitous Shower Scene that is supposed to be... deep or something, from GMGF, which is just so... so... GM's GF of her.

Then dinner with the Cru (Umlauts optional)... and Moe-Droid is quietly there with them, just.... Moe-ing up the place with ALL THE MOE.

Which, sigh, takes us to the opposite sort of scene, where pointlessly we see The Kid listening to her Audio bug where GMGF and that bastard Monk talking about killing 'him' as soon as they get out of cryo-stasis.

You know... a conversation from before they lost their memories and is therefor now invalid?  

And I guess the last scene is 'world building', setting up future Plot Threads? I mean, I KNOW it was only included as a way to get rid of Wil Wheaton for a little while (since his creepiness makes him Immortal and unkillable).  It's Wil talking to a decrepit old man in a bed with a voice-machine, something about body hopping and 'kill them all'. Meh.  Wil is suitably unsettled for this scene, so that works, I guess.

And the Episode ends with someone offscreen Cattle-Prodding Moe-Droid. Sigh.  I mean, of course I am utterly outraged at this behavior, but since it seems to happen every other episode now, I'm a bit tapped out.  Also, I know this means that there will be NO MOE AT ALL in the last episode, and I'm afraid that the clinical depression this stirs in me prevents any other emotion, even righteous wrath, from registering.

I am... moeless.

Eh, as an aside: I was pretty sure I'd see Moe-Droid in something else... not only was I right, I was right about what that something else was: Zoie Palmer was the lesbian doctor in Lost Girl.  I was underwhelmed by her in Lost Girl, so I'm glad to see she is absolutely crushing it as my favorite Moe-Droid.  

On that note: The Mee-Kay Combine actress that I recognized? Stargate: Atlantis, making TWO alumni of that show to 'recurr' on Dark Matter.

And for as much shit as I give GMGF, its the character I'm ragging, not the actress.  It seems Melissa O'Neill doesn't have a lot of acting credits (more Pop-star/Idol winner), but she was crushing her scenes in Episode 12, just crushing them... well, except for that faux-deep shower scene, but really, what was she going to do?  

Anyway: I really want to finish up the season so I can start Season 2 blind (or rather, so S2 won't color my 'take' on the season 1 finale, as I'm sure it must...), so I'll probably knock that out tomorrow.  And yes, it is a completely Moe-less episode, the bastards!  And yes, I have seen it, so... as with this last one... it won't be completely fresh....  oh well.

I'm totally expediting my hot take on Ep 13, both because I don't actually want to watch the episode again, and because I'd really like to start on Season 2 tonight, so this may be short.

Recap: At the end of the last ep we had Moe-droid tasered into unconsciousness by POV cam.  Spoiler: All the clues you need to tonights very special guest villain were in the last episode.

Anyway: The Kid is still obssesing about her weird pre-amnesia recording, but she wanders around the ship for a full fucking goddamn minute to find Moe-Droid, so we can officially begin this ep.  Shockingly, someone removed her... I'm gunna call it her CPU, meaning that Moe-droid's body is essentially an inert peice of god-damn refuse, and the REAL Moe-droid (a tiny chip from what I can tell) has been kidnapped.

Not, mind you, that anyone actually acts that way. Sigh. Computers, man, how DO they work?!  FAYGO!

Anyway, clearly (if you recall the end of the last ep) someone planted a clue in Moe-droid's hand, a patch from what I have to assume were the mercs working with Wexler two? Episodes ago.  So everyone starts hunting for a left over merc.

Well, actually... The Kid crawls through ALL OF THE VENTS!!!! sigh.  OF COURSE!

What's actually happening, as the Cru (Umlauts are us) exposites helpfully, is that the GM has pulled one player aside and asked him to play traitor. Its not the GM's GF... no, she's got a lot of anonymous notes being passed to her by the GM to make her LOOK guilty, which only hte Audience will pick up on, as the Cru remains functionally oblivious.

All of this takes almost fifteen goddamn minutes of the Episode.

Loner-badass-ninja declares, with maximally calculated badass that the traitor is welcome to try him anytime, and wander off to OF COURSE train with his weapons.

Meanwhile, its pretty clear to me that even the GM has given up on Serious Roleplayer, since he mostly wanders around looking out of place in a plain white T-shirt.  Oddly, he actually does a decent job this episode.

Anyway, the big conflict shaping up is between Gun Guy and Serious Roleplayer, who apparently have decided now they are mortal enemies... at least SR has an excuse, what with his not actually remembering his revenge kick for his not-remembered dead wife.  Actually, this entire gag, which will go on until the very end of the Episode gets very, very tedious... as it is clear that GG and SR pretty much fail to notice all the note passing going on between the GM and his GF.  

To whit: Our next big scene (rather than all hte pointless time filler) is a big meeting of the Cru (Oh, Umlaut, wherefore art thou, Umlaut?) in the mess/conference room where there is a very, very elaborate setup of GMGF preparing glasses of water for everyone... and with SR (clearly wiht his own note from the GM) abstaining.  

And just as Loner-badass-ninja makes his maximally calculated badass exit (For the SECOND TIME!  seriously, this episode is mostly filler...) he clutches his stomach in 'agony' and passes out.  Cue medical blah blah about fast acting barbituates, and no one mentions trying to give him an antidote or anything.

And... well... I miss Moe-Droid, who at least is fun when delivering techno-babble. Or fast. Fast works too.

Anyway: Gun Guy especially is convinced that SR poisoned their water supply (Red-herring, as thirst will never be an issue in this episode), so... they search everyone's quarters.  Gun Guy has a souvenier pair of red lacy panties for GMGF to find, Classic.  

They never show either GMGF's quarters or Leather-Daddy's. THe first because, well... she's our designated Red Herring, and Leather-Daddy? Well... Its public TV, not HBO. duh!

Anyway I guess its night time? THey lock The Kid in her room for safety (with Leather Daddy watching her because she needs a binky!... and also so they can faux-discover that she is the one who wiped everyone's memories, maybe.) while Gun Guy posts himself in the hall outside of SRs room, because that gag isn't getting old at all.

Of course LD hears a noise and leaves to go check on it, and naturally, he is our NEXT VICTIM!  

And probably the best part of the episode for me is SR's reaction to Gun Guy, posted in the hall outside of his room the entire time, accusing him of somehow injecting LD with the same fast acting barbituate that took down loner-badass-ninja.

They take this bit so serious that at one point they hunt through the entire ship for the 'escaped' SR, because clearly he is guilty or something.

Bored.


Anyway: Eventually they lock The Kid on the bridge for safe keeping and she encounters Red-Moe, who is 'useless' because she is only a hologram... who has been programed to observe and record everything Blue-Moe does. Somehow it escapes the Fish-men writers of this show that this should mean Red-Moe (who was a secret from the entire Cru (Umlaut Jokes are on sale!)) knows who tasered Blue-Moe.   Sadly, The Kid has Red-Moe self delete, presumably to save Blue-Moe from knowing she is 'defective'.  

Its too damn late in the ep for me to think The Kid is somehow the villain, and the scene doesn't play that way, because its written by Fish-men who think planets are two or three square miles and shit.

Anyway: A Galactic Authority ship is en route to dock with them (I'm going to remind everyone that Leather Daddy stole the Raza from the Galactic Authority IN HIS OWN MEMORIES at this point...), so they're getting desperate (recall taht Moe-droid is their pilot, so they can't escape). They cluster together, gas grenades are thrown, all fall down... and GMGF, with her super powers leaps up to fight... and is POV tasered.

Cue end of the episode, with GA marines (I assume) hauling the unconscious bodies of everyone (including Moe-Droid, for some idiot reason.  Dead Hardware and all that... sigh), except...

Duh DUH DUM!!!!!


Leather Daddy, who is walking out, loud and proud.



Yanno?


I don't really think the GM thought this episode through very well. I mean, it was well handled until the players got their hands on it (GG and SR, I'm looking at you!), but where is he taking his plot railroad? Is there ANY senario that makes sense for the series after this? I sort of doubt it. Never mind the choice of traitors is actually... sort of random.  I mean, twist or something, but random.  Hell, might as well have made it The Kid, or fucking Moe-Droid, I mean: Why not?

So we begin the Next Season of Dark Matter: the Drinking Game...

I may pour myself an honorary scotch just to get warmed up!  


So we begin with people in a blue and black-light lit box, and it takes me a moment to register that half of these people are complete asshole strangers.  Then a voice over the intercom starts telling everyone to strip.

Seriously, the look on GMGF's face is just... precious.  Honey, you done been flashing everyone yer good left right and inbetween last season justs so you could prove you Fuck Like A Man... so why is this an issue?

Also: Why would you even do this?  I'm talking about Intercom Voice. These people were unconscious and in your power for... a while.  Why would you even put them in a position to refuse to strip? Just toss them in your overly cinematic box nekkid and be fucking done with it!  Kanedans, man...

I'm trying to decide if this is a very polite and considerate prison or a prison run by pointless assholes.  

I mean, have you seen a Hollowwood prison entrance scene?  Nude firehose washdowns, elbow deep rectal probes and all that jazz, but its pretty much you and the guards. Here its so sweet and soft and gentle, but its done in a group. Sure you get to keep your underwear on the whole time, but you don't get to dress in your prison jumper before being thrown into general population?

Do you even prison, bro?

Also, I am absurdly grateful not to see The Kid or Moe-Droid in this scene. Not because I can't appreciate them in underwear. Ok, maybe not Moe-droid, my love of Moe-droid is too pure for that... but because the sheer crushing weight of stupidity it would represent would be simply too much for me to bear. bare?  Sure, for pun-pun's sake. Too much to bare.


Holy Schnike! I didn't even notice the lack of Serious Roleplayer????  


OMG!!! Frana Potente is guesting in this ep!  Squee!!!!!!

She better be running, that's all I'm sayin'

oh. Um, yeah: So Leather-Daddy shows up in classic Hugo Boss and introduces himself as a GA agent.  

So, am I the only one who thinks that a lot of issues the Fish-Men are having with writing this could be solved by some advanced medical anti-amnesia technique that they couldn't do on the Raza?  I'm thinking that, are you thinking that?  I mean, the Amnesia bit isn't really doing much for the show at this point, at least for... hmm... three of the characters?  Four maybe?

Also: Do I love or hate how broke up The Kid is to find out that Six isn't really a genocidal monster (twice over now...)?  She must have really loved the idea of hanging out with a bunch of crooks and killers.

Dafuq? Directed by Agent Carter?  I... uh... um...

Ok. So... I'm going to post this while I think about that.   Its like the Internet is demanding that I rewatch all nine seasons of Stargate SG-1 or something. First we had inferior-weir, then we had autist-scientist and now this? Never mind that every other time I log into youtube it's telling me to watch compliations of best of moments from the show.  

Skynet. Its here and it really, really like Stargate.

So... the Fish-men didn't think the betrayal arc through very well, but that's ok because they're totally lampshading it by making the character not having thought it through?

Um... ok?

Also: Serious Roleplayer already has a lawyer? I mean, it makes sense, but its almost like the GM is fucking with him by tossing her in the mix like that.


And the GA boss is... discount Stanley Tucci?   C'mon, man. Tucci appeared in teh Transformer movies. He does cameos in Statham films. Surely he'd have taken a role here if you'd asked!  

Do I want to mention his insane levels of douchebaggery or should I instead point out the subtle (?) touch of having kid-art on the walls of his office.  

So... SR's lawyer. Now, SR's character is, in fact, some sort of billionaire corporate heir, and his arc thus far, short as it is, makes sense in this episode... though I love how no one is talking about their amnesia, despite it NOT BEING A SECRET.  Anyway, teh Lawyer: I've never been a billionaire corporate heir (we won't talk about what sort of billionaire I've been, m'kay? Fifth amendment and all that...) but I rather imagine lawyers working at that level are just a little more solicitous of their client's wants and needs.  If he wants to include The Kid (who hasn't even been charged with a crime) in his legal umbrella I'd say that's pretty much his call to make, not hers.  Not that I actually care about Perry Mason up in this bitch, but her character is a bit... unbelievably Fish-man.

Worst Prison Shivving Evah.  So some old friends of Gun Guy want to play Rorschach with him and they pull out the shiv and show it off. Fucking Kanedans can't even get that right?

Oooohhh... its... an armed robbery? Of a prisoner... in a prison?  

I.

Um.

Hmm.

Ooookaaaayyyyyyy....  

Well, I mean, I guess its a setpiece to introduce random female prisoner (from the blue cube of whatever? I think so, but its hard to be sure without rewinding) who apparently is just.that.badass.  Sigh. sure.

And... she wants the same ration card the shiv prisoners wanted... and... catfight with GMGF, who will only allow one bad-ass bitch on her show, I'm guessing.  Bonus points if they head off to Fuck Like Men.

Best.Prison.Guard.EVAH!

"Ok, I'll go quietly, there's no need to use that on me."

"You kidding me? Its the highlite of my day."


And... Moe-Droid, being very badass Moe.  Your daily quotient of Moe, easily fulfilled in twenty seconds of Dialog. More Moe included because OF COURSE!!!!

Tech Guy: "I've got orders. If I don't get these files, its my head on a platter."

Moe-droid: "That seems unlikely... but okay."

Man... I feel like I'm mainlining Moe here.  If I stop posting its probably an OD. Dial 911 or... um.. whatever they do in Kaneda. Probably shout loudly.  

Cut to Gun Guy in the infirmary. Oddly I don't recall him actually getting KO'd in the catfight scene, but there you have it. Cute nurse, and an older prisoner who works the system to stay in the infirmary... and probably dump how to escape exposition clues all over the landscape.   I actually like this guy, just the right level of creepy to be enjoyable instead of weird.  

  GMGF in solitary, complete with moar rapey dialog with a guard, but I can't get over how comfortable those Keds they are wearing look. I should get some. I mean, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing Keds, but... damn, those look really really comfy.  Maybe I can wear a mask with 'em?  Disguise... no, that won't work. This much awesome can't be concealed by any mere mask. Sigh.  

Any Bets on Darius being Dark Matter/Derek Moss's Obadiah Stane?   Place yer bets!

Having watched teh rest of the Darius Scene, I'm putting 5:1 odds that Darius IS Obadiah Stane.

Then we get that bastard Monk eating and being harrassed (OF COURSE) by other prisoners. I predict an ass beating.

Also: Come with us to meet 'Him'. Who is 'him'? Come with us to find out.

Does that even work?  In a prison no less?  

I mean: loner-ninja-badass, so the only way it works is if the GM fiats up this bitch with some plot railroad... or the player decides (again) to do the unexpected jerk thing and... play along.

Ohhh... more plot exposition clues for the inevitable escape? Also: Damnit, man... why didn't you shank a bitch with your spoon? I know you want to show off your leet kung fu skills, but at least the asshole who touched your food!  Whatever. Punching people is fun, I guess.  

Now we have a scene with Leather-Daddy haruaging a fellow guard who is molesting Bubba. Well, yes.  

I mean, its a shit scene, but he is, in fact, molesting Bubba, and that just ain't cool, bro.

Spoke too soon!  Molesting Guard drops a dopeload of Expo-info dump like he's hoping for Moe-droid's job. He seems straight up, so I hope he lives. Not that I want him on the Raza or anything, but... yeah, drinking on the job, fixing Bubba, and giving Leather-Daddy the straight talk?  Way to go, random mook NPC!


Back to Solitary.  Only.. they've got some sort of VR 'yard' for Solitary Prisoners to use?  So they can interact with eachother?

Fish. Men.

But this gives us a scene with Nyx, the other badass bitch, and GMGF.  Its... well... its stupid. Squared.  

The question I guess I have is how much of the you-go-girl anti-man animus in Nyx's little speech is... well... 'on point' messaging and if it will ever be challenged, much less refuted.   And, no, I am not mischaracterizing her little speech.  It literally consists of 'Gun Guy is born stupid because Man, I am good fighter because Woman.', which... um... yeah, that's pretty raciss, yo.

so... having betrayed the Cru (and their Umlaut), Leather Daddy just now discovers that the personnel file the GA sent him, on himself, to turn him includes... classified materials he doesn't have access too?  Sigh.  

A big, big problem with this episode is... well.. atomization.  We have seven seperate characters independently doing their own thing, with little to no power to get them back together for scenes... somethign that actually got WORSE as teh episode progressed. At least three characters started in Gen Pop, but are now completely seperated, two started together, but were seperated in teh same scene.  So we have lots and lots of micro-scenes with only one, or maybe (rarely) two characters we know in them.

A GMing nightmare, and as it turns out, shitty TV writing.

Anyway: I'm of a mixed opinion on LD's actor. He's good, but only in a limited range of scenes. He tends to crush it when delivering deep emotional/philosophical stuff.  But, and far more interestingly, when put in a scene with just one of the other main characters... particularly The Kid... he not only tends to deliver the goods, but actually elevates the other actor. That's a rare skill, and reason enough to hope he makes it out of this episode intact.

So... we see that bastard Monk actually going to meet "Him" who is a discount William Fichtner.   Again? Why do they always go with discounted versions of actors who are actually talented but also lack any discrimination when accepting scripts?   This is... three now? Twice for this episode?

Anyway: DWF is playing Erik, who is the prison boss, you know the type.  No apparent connection to the Cru (or their Umlaut), but he knows who they are, so he's got an interest in them anyway, so... yay?

AND!!!! 28 minutes before DWF (who, I'll note, is much much beefier and taller than the Real William Fichtner. I've met him, by the way. Little guy. DWF could break him like a cheap date.) drops the Obligatory "No one has ever escaped this prison" bit.  

That, my friends, is a most definite (simulated? Nah, I'm actually gonna go pour me one just for this...) Drink.

OF COURSE no one has ever escaped THIS prison.  

Also: The odds for Darius as Obadiah Stane just shot up to 10:1, but the five second scene wasn't worth commenting on.

Pink Slime!!!!  PINK SLIME!!!!  My god, they really are going for every single sci-fi prison cliche they can find! They dug up Pink Slime!!!!!  

Gawd I love this shit!

And... it's a mealworm callback? Well, I gotta give the fish-men credit for at least remembering their own universe building.  

Now: Is it LD's unique ability to elevate the other actors, or is SR simply better cast as a wealthy industrial heir? Because I'm actually starting to warm to him a bit as he gets more and more into that role as the ep progresses.  He manages to look the part, for once.  Also: LD and SR sharing a drink while alone in an apartment?  While LD is dressed in black leather (Or Hugo Boss, which is close enough)...  You know what Im sayin'...

AND..... Leather Daddy gives him jewelry!!!! Oh MY!

So, back to Gun Guy and his pink slime mealworm meal.  So, it was interrupted to put him on laundry detail (Prisons... don't work like that... sigh), and now he finished doing the laundry, gets a new load and... burns himself to get back to the infirmary?

I mean... yeah, it was set up by creepy guy earlier, but... um... and mind you I'm not saying anything about my shady past here... but laundry detail is, like, the most coveted job in a prison. Or so I've heard.  Yeah, I've heard...  um... what were we talking about?

Right, right. THe kid, crackign classified personnel records. Silly me to forget that.  Gun Guy is boring anyway.

So, we've got the Pronoun Game, now we've got 'you're not going to like it'?  Cinemasins will sue me at this rate!


Sigh. Nyx is... giving motivational speeches to GMGF now?  Give me back Gun Guy and laundry detail! Christ on a crutch.

Wait. Drinking Guard (Bubba fondler) is...  Leather-Daddy's partner? And LD found out before his Amnesia that the GA LET LD bomb 10k civilians on a station for La Resistance!  Twist?   Well, now we know why drinking guard drinks, eh?  I knew I liked him. I still think he belongs in this ep only, but I like him.

At last, with seven whole minutes left, we start putting the Cru (except for Umlaut, that lazy no-show) back together... to... plan their escape I guess? How many prison eps do they think we can handle?

And... why are there cells, with prisoners locked in them, as part of the cafeteria? That seems... do prisons work that way?  I've heard they don't work that way.  

Sweet Meta Jeebus!  GMGF totally namechecked the Cru (obligatory Umlaut Joke Here)?  I mean, that's not the only meta-reference to this review.  Man... I've got to be careful, must use my powers only for good...

... so there's another shower scene with GMGF....

Damn.

Well, it doesn't happen instantly, I guess.  Ok.

Anyway: The Warden (Discount Stanley Tucci) plays the advanced version of the pronoun game, clearly involved in some sort of evil shenannigans along with Rapey Guard. The only real takeaway is that The Kid is being transferred planetside, presumably for easier murderizing of her, but hopefully will put her back where she started, hanging with SR.  It's like a circle you see, only powered by stupid!

lolwut?!  THe Kid just asked to be put in Genpop?  See... She, I can believe, has no idea how stupid that demand is.  (never end a sentence on a proposition, always close the deal with the hooker first.)

Wait: TWO MINUTES to the end and Franka Potente shows up as a brand new character spoiling whatever plots are going down at random?

Sigh. Just when I was giving praise to the Fishmen for actually handling various details well (aside from understanding normal humanity, of course) they pull this shit?

Sigh.

So... OTHER Jace Corso shows up and straight murders Serious Roleplayer.  Because.  Just because, no reason.  I mean. Obediah Stane or something, but really.

I accept this reality.

Of course, its the same actor, so he looks a bit like a constipated baby penguin but whatever.

Ohhh... and Credits.

No cliffhanger, just dead Serious Roleplayer and Credits.

I guess the GM got fed up with his shit?

So, I'll note for teh record that The Real Jace Corso is a terrible shot.  I mean, he's got a surprise round, its point blank range (literally arm's length), and is first shot is... to the liver? Shot group is pie plate sized, and he doesn't do a dome shot until Serious Roleplayer is lying on his back, pretty much dead from shock as is, on the ground.

So, Gun Guy will eventually eat his lunch. Probably made of mealworms.  Just sayin'. With that, the next Ep begins.


So we've got a questionably hot 'power-skirt' who is introduced as The Kids enemy. What happened to Bearded guy? Unless Bearded Guy is the mook who shows up to tell QHPS about The Kid being 'found'.

So we get Franka Potente interrogating/interviewing Leather Daddy, I guess as a setup to remind everyone of what they didn't see in Season 1?  I have to admit the Show does manage to keep its timeline straight, which is... fucking miraculous!  

So, for some idiot reason, Frau Potente is determined to prove the Raza carried the White Hole generator to... did she just call it Alderaan? I think she fucking did!!!!

Why?

Um... to... charge the crew... of the Raza... who are all in prison for lots and lots of crimes... as accessories to... murder?

Do I... um... no, I couldn't possibly...

Fish.
Men.

I mean... I guess this is somehow about cleaning up by finding charges to level against a minor (The Kid, who is revealed to be 16, and was a stowaway), Leather Daddy (who was heroically undercover) and Derrick Moss (who is a billionaire with lawyers and shit...).

Nope. Still stupid.

Less Stupid? Frau Potente may be there instead to monkeywrench the Warden's mysterious plans. She does look straight at him (through hte survellience camera) as tehy cut to teh Warden, who is STILL playing the advanced version of the Pronoun Game with Rapey Guard.

So, I was going to remark that while Frau Potente isn't exactly impressing me with her chops here, she is still pretty convincing as the stone cold bitch trying to play nice, but again, teh show fucking Meta'd me by having The Kid pull that line on her for me.

Seriously. Where is my Shower Scene?

So the Warden finally ends the Pronoun Game, and perhaps explains the plot of this ep.

Tralgot corp wants the Cru (including that asshole, Umlaut) dead. Period.  Tralgot (or however it's spelled) are the people who made the White Hole bomb stolen back in episode... whatever. The Alderaan bomb, capice?

Ooooohhhhh.... as they say.  

Pawns gonna pawn, yo.

Anyway: THe Prison Cru (minus Umlaut, of... I mean... OF COURSE) are eating (again) and Nyx (damn) shows up to reveal she knows the shuttle schedule because she deals in contraband.  I'm not sure, but I think someone is trying to hint that she's a prostituite or something, despite either Censors or You-Go-Girl feminism.  Its... weird.

Once again prison meal time is interrupted by work assignments.  Prison don't... I mean... I've heard Prison don't work that way.  And Nyx steals Gun Guy's left over apple so she'll look even more like an asshole. Goddamnit. They're keeping her, aren't they?   Ugh.

Again with GMGF getting notes to push the plot train?

So: We (the audience) knows that this work detail (waste disposal) is a murder plot, and sure enough a big trustee (um... I've... heard thats what they call prisoners who work for/with the guards...) comes in to have them push the waste into the incinerator.  And he's a bit rapey too, so we know he's evil, sure.  But Gun Guy doesn't push the waste into teh disposal, he fronts the Trustee, which... you know... derails the plot railroad.

So... naturally, and for NO FUCKIGN REASON WHATSOEVER... GMGF pretty much demands he walk into the Trap-Incinerator with them, so the Trustee-NPC can... trap them in the Incinerator as planned.

God damnit, I better get some Moe soon or I'm gonna flip my lid.

So... its less an incinerator than a very large slow-cooker. So, I guess this is where they make the Pink Slime?  Sure, why not take several hours to slowly and deliciously roast your very dangerous prisoners to death? I mean, its not like you aren't trying to keep them from Frau Potente or anything.   The Joker called, he wants his inescapable death trap back. It seems he is inviting batman to dinner...

And, no... I did not see them being rescued by Discount William Fichtner, so... way to go for surprising me?

And then I get a scene with Leather Daddy, Frau Potente AND Moe-Droid! Oh, Happy Day!

Oh... damn! Moe-droid delivers the best beat downs, without having to lift a finger.    

yeaaaahh..... oh, that's the good Moe....  heh....


Uh... sorry, I musta blacked out there for a few minutes. Somethign about fancy edit interrogations, Ishida extraditions... nothing fancy...

when I came to we find someone's got the pull to force the Warden to grant immediate Visitation rights... for...

twist!

Gun Guy.  

Well. This should be interesting.

Its... Inferior Weir!!!

Aha! The Plot Thickens!  Recall Inferior Weir is the Mee-Kay Rep, and they're the ones who totally Alderaaned themselves.  I know, I know, you remember all that. Because you weren't drinking enough, you lazy bastards!  Whatever.

And... the scene is most excellent. Maybe not the probable  'contact lens mindcontrol' finish, but watching these two act the hell up in this bitch is worth rewatching a few times. Not quite up to Gun Guy vs Moe-Droid from last season, but I'll be damned if I can think of many scenes that could, in any show.   I do like how the camera lingers on Inferior Weir for a long moment after the scene, leaving us wondering if she's unsure it worked, or is unhappy that maybe it did.

All in all, a bit weird of a twist, since GG offered her a reasonable deal: All Three Cru (fuck Umlaut...) get the deal, not just one.

oooohhhh....

Not mind control?  Did she just plant blueprints to the prison in his fucking eye? Not only is that more believable than mind control, but its about twenty fucking shades more twisty! Me LIKE!

What, oh what, is Inferior Weir's plan?  

At this rate I may have to upgrade her to Superior Weir, and that would be unfortunate, as any historical revisionism is.

Brief scene with dialog free Moe-droid, still bringing Moe. Just a taste, to whet the appetite, get me jonesing for more...

Then we have DWF and the Cru (the left Umlaut back in the Slow Cooker of Death!).  I gotta say, I like this guy. They try to overhype his role in the previous ep, but whateveh.

Then... sigh... Nyx has to show up and nyx up the damn scene. Oh, and escape is on hold because of a lack of shuttle. Sure. Also: Still getting the hidden message about her from the writers. Just sayin'.

I gotta admit, when that bastard Monk pulls his loner-ninja-badass self sacrifice ploy to get them a shuttle?  I liked it.  Now if only he and Moe-droid can make up, I'll revoke his bastardy.

Annnnddd..... Agent NPC delivers the bad news to Leather-Daddy that he is now a widower. Not impressed with that actor this scene. Maybe he needs a bit more booze?

AND: Gun Guy calls Moe-droid 'Android' then corrects himself to robot?  Love it.  Oh, snap, thats just filler for the scene with Rapey Guard and GMGF.... quick, hold my drink!

Eh. so.... GMGF is... back in Solitary so she can... have a conversation with Leather Daddy in the VR Room?

I. what?  

I mean: It follows from the plot, teh script so far, but...  and mind you I'm only reporting what I've heard about prison life, but that shit would be... monitored.   That and, well, look: We KNOW tehy can walk around and interact in teh VR room...  Nyx of all fucking people explained that she and GMGF could rip each other to shreds (her words) if they wanted to... so why does it look like both actors were told to stand stock still, like they were frozen in fucking carbonite?   Neither one of them has ever been so stiff and lifeless, and the dialog is fine, if not exactly memorable... so... what gives?

ok.

Ok, that was perfect.


So: Loner-ninja-badass is talking to Gun Guy and DWF about the incoming shuttle, but they've got to stall, see, because GMGF is in solitary. So Gun Guy, building on his previous knowledge of the prison system tells that bastard Monk to hurt himself and get sent to the Infirmary. Of course, like any proper loner-ninja-badass, ANY SOURCE of hit point damage is dishonorable, so he refuses.  Gun Guy pulls him aside to explain, no.. too long, to sum up... no, not right: To set him up for Erik to cold-cock him like a fucking Boss.

Oh... that's almost as good a Moe....

And... the Space Samurai mooks show up led by a sword-girl who, given the badass techno beat and lingering closeup she gets will almost certainly feature in later episodes.  Eh, probably a master of Spanish style fencing.  I'm telling you, it beats that Italian crap they've been using in teh Theater for decades.

ooooohhhh... she's replacing Sensei NPC-San.    She has a  name, but I'm just going to call her Sword-Gurl, you understand, right?


And... we get Moe-Droid, The Kid and Frau Potente????  Hold my drank again!

wait... what?

Frau Potente straight up slaps The Kid and doesn't get immediately Knife Murdered by GMGF?

I AM still watching Dark Matter, right?  Dafuq?

So... when Erik starts a riot they do it right and straight defenestrate a random guard.  None of this mock fights with other prisoner bullshit you usually see.  

oooohhhh...

back to The Kid, who tells Moe-Droid (who is Moe as shit) to kill them all. I guess The Kid is now a proper member of the crew and arranges her own version of Knife-Murder. Moe-Murder? Sure, we'll go with that.

And once again, the penalty for Slapping the Kid is the straight up Moe-Murder of everybody in the room.  Its... a thing.

Alas, poor Frau Potente, we hardly got to enjoy you.

Ok, so there is absurd filler while Fat-as-fuck guard has to get the Warden's permission to do the sonic thingy to stop the riot. I'm guessing Moe-Droid is immune, however.  On the other hand, its nice to see Sword-Gurl and crew fall prey to it as well. Consistency is a good thing with this show, I'll give them that.

on the otehr hand, given how long the riot was going on, and the general level of ass beating being handed down onto guards, its a bit strange that not one prisoner in the know bothered to secure ear-peices during the fight.  I mean: I'm sure loner-ninja-badass would have done it with maximally calculated levels of badass if he hadn't been bushwhacked by his own team as a delaying tactic...

And... the plan is for GMGF to magically turn up the volume to overwhelm the guards? I guess. I mean, cleavage, right?

And... the Warden turns off everything from his office which... starts teh riot back up?  I'm... missing the point here, I think. No, no... I got the point... its those crazy Fish-men... they missed the point.

We cut to a too brief scene of Moe-Droid, followed by The Kid finding an open Arsenal (Seriously Bro: Do you even prison?)

Oooohhhh... never mind! It was Bubba! Bubba did it! He unlocked the arsenal just to be find. Carry on then!

Bubba-pron?

No... no... that's too played out.

Bubba-Moe! We get Bubba-moe!  

Oh, yeah.... oooohhh... sweet, sweet bubba-moe... not a pure as Moe-droid moe, but damn... sometimes you like that edge, you know?  Whew!

and... loner-ninja-badass somehow (we all know how, don't we? Fucking min-maxers) woke before Sword-gurl and took her sword, because OF COURSE.

This is not to be questioned.

What IS to be questioned, and mightily, is why dafuq he's taking random doctor-trustee-mook with him? No, like... what? When/why/how?   Oh. Please god no. Please, PLEASE PLEZ tell me he isn't Serious Roleplayer's new character!  Twitchy, probably ghey, useless in a fight?  

Oh, no. nononononononono! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgZIYdFmZqc)

Please lord, make me a stone.

So that bastard Monk kills both Space Samurai mooks and tosses a sword to Sword-Gurl.  Maximally.Calculated.Badass. Peak, in fact.  Too bad there isn't a badass skill, he would have just rolled a 20.

It just occured to me that she might just know Spanish School fencing. Its a hallway, not exactly teh right environment to showcase it, so she's having to improvise with some bullshit.

Oh. Fuck. Me.

So, the two maximally calculated badasses totally go Highlander on eachother for the final pass and... that bastard Monk dives to the side so Bubba can steal his thunder.  Perfect!

"Where are the others?"

BUBBA MOE, followed by Discount Space Wilhelm.


Enough?  Nah...

So... Leather-Daddy has to shoot his old partner in a high-noon shootout, which conviently puts an end to the whole, bullshit "I'm staying behind" bit, as his (LDs) not-dead-yet body is dragged to the shuttle.

Aww... Bubba could have Moe'd him and we'd be able to see Drunk-Agent-NPC all up in this bitch later. No? Yeah... yeah, he was wearing awful thin. Probably better this way.

Oh.
I forgot about the questionably hot powerskirt. She closes out the episode by revealing that... she's got an asset on board teh Raza.

Plez let it be the doctor.

I can't be that lucky.

Nyx?

Again. I'm not that lucky.,

Sigh. Its going to be DWF, isn't it?  Of course the one new guy on the crew I actually like... that's going to be the rat-bastard traitor.  

Oh, and Leather-Daddy? Cryo-stasis, because if there is one thing the Raza is good for, its sticking people in Low Berths and having No Problems Whatsoever, amirite?

And... is this three? I don't really count very well. No fingers, you see. Don't ask me how I type, there are children present.

Anyway. We see The Kid running in the halls of the Raza.  Its probably a dream sequence or something, but she's no Tom Cruise. I mean: They're about the same height and have that weird uncanny valley that apparently doesn't make them less useful as actors, but Tom can run. Well, I mean, we suspect Tom can run, its not like he's ever actually... you know... run on camera. The Kid? not so much.

Anyway, we know its a dream because she tries to get into the Vents, but the vents are locked. Someone's feet are hunting her.


I figured she was beign hunted by that bastard Monk, and I was right, but I thought it was that promised Fightan Training, only... not.  Then Gun Guy shows up and they don't know who she is.

So.... this is not, in fact, how she was found on the Raza in teh first place (We saw that exhaustively last season, actually), so...

ooohhhh.... Ten Hours Earlier?

Man, this show loves that shit, doesn't it?  Its almost like Slapping the Kid and expecting a sudden onset of knife-murder. Every other episode will begin 'hours earlier', like... clockwork or something.

And... they're gonna lament the loss of Serious Roleplayer?  I mean, fuck me but wasn't he shot two episodes ago? Isn't that long enough?  Also: GMGF got Nanite, yo. In case you forgot.

And... the New Cru... or whatever, are chatting about forming their own Clique onboard teh Raza because, well, they are the New Cru.  Maybe that idiot, Umlaut, should join them?

And... Nyx got her outfit from The Kid? She even calls her The Kid (where, the fuck, is the Shower Scene I called for?). I call bullshit. The Kid's fashion sense is WAY WAY worse than that.

And I agree with Gun Guy. Get used to the New Cru not getting to carry guns on board. Last time the Raza took on additional peeps, someone stole Bubba from him.  This ought to last... hmm... I give it fifteen minutes.

And we get Moe.

Its... well, its weak Moe, but Im holding out hope for a proper hit as the scene progresses. Upshot: those rat-fuck bastards broke my Moe and she can't link to the ship.

And... well..

32 hours without Moe?  I mean she shuts down with a good solid hit of the stuff, don't get me wrong. then there are database shenannigans going on.  But.. 32 hours? I mean: not that I want to see it, but why not just cattle prod her like usual?   Why do the fishmen do this to me? Why?

And... two of the three Neural Imprints Found are having coincidental headaches (The third is GMGF, so... yeah. Bet she's been busy under the table lately...)
o HO! I was wrong. GMGF is down for the count in her cabin, leaving The Kid and the New Cru.  


Sigh.

Once again, The Kid stumbles, almost literally, into a solution to her dilemma, in this case the doctor character. And once again she utterly ignores it to do... anything pointless... else.

And, I'm gonna bet that this NEVER comes up again, either.  Just like Red-Moe.

So... doc ain't gonna doc?  

So much stupid.

Which... naturally enough (META? I'm getting both weirded out, and annoyed that there STILL has been no new Shower Scene!) means... Red Moe returns.

I.

Hmmm...

hhhhmmmm......

Don't try the Red-Moe, kids... leave that shit to the hard core users.  Its subtle, with a seriously bitter after-bite. An acquired taste, for sure.

And... Red Moe more or less tells The Kid to go get the Doc.  Way to go, Red-Moe!


Sigh.

I hate being right all the time.  Especially when its something like DFW working for the Questionably Hot Power Skirt.  Also: GMGF is missing, because OF COURSE!


So, I've got a theory that it was the tampering with Blue-Moe that causes the neural technobabble, which is unrelated to DFW's treachery, and these two plots are colliding.

I mean: its stupid, but I've come to expect, even anticipate the stupid from this show.  

And we sort of vaguely wind up back where we started, with a maybe-yes/maybe-no amnesiac GMGF not knowing The Kid, and then kicking DFWs ass with Waif-Fu because OF COURSE!

And the guys wake up and take out the Doc, which almost makes me happy. Clearly they have memories back, but now are missing recent memories.  I'm... yanno? I'm reminded of the weird twists and turns of Farscape's love affair between Aeryn Sun and John Chricton... they shot their memory wad too soon and are now trying to come up with too cute twists on the theme.

If only this were made by Kangaroos instead of Kanedans, then I'd have hopes for it getting better.

THEN we are treated to 'clever editing edition' of the opening scene, just to cement us being back to ten hours later.  Only this time with a bonus scene where the costume department and director were at odds regarding hiding how very... chesty... The Kid really is.  It doesn't last long, so if that's your thing, keep a finger on the pause button. Me? I'm keeping myself pure for Moe-droid.  

Though I may have had a thing with Red-Moe in the past. Its... complicated, okay?  but if you ever tell anyone I said that, I'll deny it and tell them about that time I caught you fondling Bubba.

Also, The Kid remains the dumbest smart-person I've ever seen on TV, and I watched a good fair whack of Star Trek tv shows.  I mean: Clearly none of the crew remember the last few months, so rather than appealing to the memories they CLEARLY do not have, she SHOULD be appealing to memories that they SHOULD have that she shouldn't know about, for example... and since she's talking to Gun Guy as they imprison her... bring up his history with Dying Girl.   Does she do that? Not a chance.

And the GMGF drops a reveal she got on a postit note from the GM, that the Cru (plus Umlaut, that saucy whore, riding both teams...) have lost 14 months, which means that their memories are approximately 10 months older than the show... with no idea how much of that time was supposed to be Cryostasis... though we can say with authority that not all of it, as they'd remember The Kid if so. A mention of Serious Roleplayer might narrow the window a bit too (but not Leather Daddy, since we know he was aboard roughly 15 months total...unless I'm screwing up my memories. Maybe the bombing was 15 months? Bah, you can look it up yourselves...)

Gonna guess that the writers are smarter than The Kid, since Gun Guy, upon hearing the news, races to The Vault.  If its not for Dying Girl I'll eat my hat.  Of course, Dying Girl is now a big, buff Black Guy with a penchant for Hugo Boss and deeply emotional trainwrecks... so that might get... interesting.

Ooooohhhhh....

I forgot they changed passwords, but the Fish Men, they remembered. They've got long memories, you know. All that Dead but does not die shit? Yeah, that's been going on billions of years.

So, Gun Guy is interrogating The Kid for the password and SHE brings up Dying Girl, because I swear to god someone on this show is reading this thread.  It would have been more fun to have Gun Guy see Leather-Daddy in Dying Girl's pod, but whatevah.


Ok. So GMGF seems to get a new superpower and/or another GM note, possibly written by Saint William of Gibson.

Then we have a scene.  Gun Guy brings a lock box from the Vault (with THe Kid in tow) and talks briefly about Dying Girl. You already know how I feel about that, or you haven't been reading (cheater!!!!!), so all I gotta say is that when loner-ninja-badass says how surprised he is to see Gun Guy being all sentimental and shit?

Yeah. Gun Guy just straight murders him with a look. Straight.look.murdered. I mean, the only way it could have been bloodier is if that bastard Monk slapped The Kid.

Sadly, looks don't kill, not even in Fishman writing, but teh chances of our loner-ninja-badass ever losing his bastardy is increasingly slim.

Anyway, some exposition reveals that the amnesia thing is accidental, that Moe-droid had their neural scans for a job they were pulling, and because the ship is looking for wifi links or something... its... well, at least it explains the memory loss. Beyond that, well, instead of a shower scene we get GMGF doing the sexah talk about how hot linking to the ship makes her feel. Even Gun Guy is like 'Thats a bit much, don't you think?'.

Hey! It's Nyx! Anyone miss her? No? Me neither. I mean: I expected her because I'm just that damn smart, but miss her?

Also: New Cru has guns. SHould have gone with 15 minutes, not ten. Whatever.

But Umlaut? No gun for that fucker.

oooohhh... Red Moe. Yeah... that's the stuff.

ok, so Doc may be Serious Roleplayer's new character (and henceforth just Serious Roleplayer, unless that gets confusing... SR2 if necessary), but the actor playing him is much less whiny bitch, so... upgrade, I guess.  I mean... he's only had a few scenes/lines so far, and he's Serious Roleplaying it up in here, but its less annoying when he does it.

Also a hallway/cargo room? A gunfight between The Cru with pistols, and the New Cru with Assault Rifles (and Umlaut playing both sides. Saucy I tell you!)... hm. Logic dictates that the Cru are in trouble, but Plot Hammer o' doom says no one (not expendable, looking at you DFW) gets hurt.

And Red Moe is... oooh... I gotta take a break.  Man... that's a rough way to get your Moe.

So, what's our rule about Slapping The Kid?

Instant Knife-Murdering.

So... what happens when the biggest avenger of The Kid is the one doing the slapping, and its in a dream state?  


Well... its... its a sorta stick murdering by The Kid while Red-Moe starts channeling Shang Tsung. If Red Moe says "Your Soul is Mine." My life will be complete. I mean: That would be the end of the series, but, well... some things are worth it.

Blue-Moe Technobabble! Huzzah!

Sigh... and... the Cru... probably because of Umlaut... decides AGAINST their memories.

Now... Now i have to go patch a wall, which mysteriously has just acquired a large number of head shaped dents for no apparent reason.

And Gun Guy gets his box full of mementoes from The Kid, which allows him to do a bit of his Dying Girl schtick, always a relief, then he turns on a mysterious object which sets up the next episode...

Now, where did I leave that spackle?

Okay. Since my Computer decided to be a bit of a bitch and wipe out my latest post (joke's on it, I had just started) with touch pad shenanigans, I'm forced to start over.  Yes, you get to hear about it, pointlessly. Because everything I wrote before was pure, comedy Gold.  Laugh until you die from it funny. Make my name in forum reviews for the rest of eternity good.

But I guess I'll just have to provide you the shit-tier instead. Karma is a bitch, eh?

So its a Gun Guy Ep, from the intro, and he's the kid that The Kid lived in for six months way back in the memory lane episode.  Boom, dead parents with kid in the closet cliche on top of it.

Leatherman pliers exist in the far Space Future, and THe Kid is helping GMGF get back to her Stick-murdered memory for reasons.

Which leads us to Fightan Practice, again. Now with 50% less clothes, since that bastard Monk had to go sans culottes in the prison sequence, so why the heck not?

Eh. I'm... underwhelmed with his pecs, bro. I mean: They look good in a shirt, but then saggy tittahs look awesome in underwire.  Keep the shirt on, maybe?

So... Nyx wants to get in on the whole loner-ninja-badass schtick. I mean: She's the sort of woman that thinks all men... I mean penis bodied persons... are born stupid and her awesome fightan skills come from being a vagina bodied person, so...

And yes, she gets a few licks in, because I guess she is right? Only we get a not-Telenovela setup between the two loner-ninja-badasses? I...

Hmph.

Ok, I'm stumped, I'm Pika enough to admit it.

And, no shit, she basically admits she has no training in the weapons being used because she's a quick learner.  

So, I'm backed to not being stumped anymore.  Why is Loner-Ninja-Badass playing two characters now?

And... The Kid is jewish???

I kid, I kid!

Usury. Its fun for the Goyim Too!

Anyway: this is a great scene, not just because I can work on offending all sorts of people for the hell of it, but because we get Gun Guy doing great stuff, followed Immediately by Moe-droid doing... Moe.  

In a scene eerily reminscent of that notorious scene where we learned that Monk is a bastard, Moe-droid wants to hang out with The Kid as they go all space stationy. And its adorbs. Total Moe.

Also: Moe-Droid appears to be almost exactly the same height as The Kid, which... doesn't surprise me, actually.  Its adorably Moe, if you must know.

Return to Transit Transfer, where we learn that Nyx suddenly speaks British.  Well, that is awkward.

Anyway, we get Gun Guy drinking with DFW when suddenly the Episode Begins, what with the guys from previous Ep setup showing up, but at least we don't have fake amnesia shenanigans to deal with.  

So, Post, and I'll update ya on the other side.

So. We now have Moe-Droid wandering the station on her own... which, I guess? I mean: Androids are a thing in this universe so..

And we've got Gun Guy hanging with some dudes who are doing a very Catholic Guilt Trip on him (hey, its only fair, I picked on the jews last post)

AND we're back to da gurls at TT doing research. I could use longer, more complete scenes, but waddya goan do?

Oh gawd. No, wait... anti-catholic post.... Mary Mother of God and her holy vagina!

Yeah, that's better. Now, what was that about?

Well.

Um.

The fancy building from the memory belongs to... adn I know this will utterly shock and amaze you... Wil Wheaton's corp.

I know, right?

Researching stuff is SOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo hard.

Damnit, I thought I fixed that wall?

Also: Earth is now called Terra Prime. Oookay. Sure.

Way to really DIG for that info, GMGF.

oh...

All is forgiven (except, you know, jewish jokes. I'm burning for that one, i just know it.  Kyle will have my head if he reads this thread...).

Why?

Moe, of course. What else would it be? Surely you don't think I'm talking about redemption through some dead guy nailed to a tree?  DOn't be absurd. In Moe we are forgiven our trespass... so long as no slapping was involved.  Then its straight up murdering time.

So, Moe is creeping people out with her totes adorbs behavior when a security guard accosts her and she is rescued by some random dude. And she totally shoplifted a toothbrush, which is no doubt a callback to Gun Guy in prison.

I am...

well.

Look... I'm feeling pretty groovy right now from that hit of Moe, so... short post and all that while I work out some other random group to offend with offhand stereotype references.  Maybe Kangaroos, but really that's shooting oversized mouse in the feet, but they deserve it for inflicting Ruby Rose upon us.

So... old guy...

he says "long... and... hard"

I know, context is everything, but... really. That's my line, old guy.  

oh, fuck me... following the comment he shows off his hickey?  

I'm...

damnit, I want my shower scene. THis show owes me now.

oh.

Well. Hm. More Moe scenes may do instead. But they better deliver, that's all I'm saying.

So. Random dude helping Moe-droid turns out to be a member of some hidden 'defective android' group, so there promises to be a whole heckuva lotta Moe coming. I... may need to pace myself here.

Back on the ship (bother...) Loner-ninja-badass does a 'come look at this cliche' adn we cut to SR2 and The Kid having a go at a deep moment.  My only take is that if The Kid manages to look Pensive (shocker, I know...), SR2 manages to look... faintly bemused.  That is pretty much the ONLY thing I've seen on his face so far.  Its better than droopy eyes, I guess.

And... he sends her to go get Covfefe, so great callout there while he secretly shoots up with something.

I'm tellin' ya, dude. Moe is much better. Trust me.


Hm... so... Android Resistance Guy offers Moe-droid an 'upgrade' that will make her more human? I am... skeptical.  I do not trust this development. He better not be trying to wreck my Moe Supply.  I mean... I'm flying here, right now, but what about Next Ep? Hmm???

Anyway: I do get a good hit of Bubba-moe, when Gun Guy uses him to punch a hole in a building with his pre-amnesia Cru (is that where Umlaut has been hiding?), while DFW continues to be a still alive traitor and Nyx is pleasantly absent.

All in all a most excellent episode so far.

And the Drama Llama raises its ugly heads as the music swells thickly to let us know 'tension'.  DFW ransacks the Kid's room, which is full of boxes and junk, and since we know he's looking for an itty-bitty key-card thing, this should not go well... but we know it will go exactly as well as the writers intend, and who knows what Fishmen will think...

Meanwhile SR2 is doing surgery and suffering painkiller withdrawl symptoms.  Whatever, mang.  I got enough Moe in me right now for a dozen Eps.... but it never lasts, you're always chasing the next hit, riding the dragon until the painful firey end.  The surgery, I assume, will go great, but SR2? He's gonna RP the shit out of a dozen scenes, wasting everyone's time while looking mildly bemused.

Aaaannnnddd... for no reason whatsoever taht any of us could ever imagine... The Kid's box o'plot is hidden inside the Vents.  I KNOW!!! RIGHT???!!!!


Did the director forget to shout "action"? I mean: We get The Kid walking the halls right after the box o'plot reveal, then right into DFW, because Drama Llama... so far so good, right?

Well... yeah, I mean... except for that weirdly long pause while the actors sort of look at eachother in confusion before starting the scene.  

so... the questionably hot powerskirt/bearded guy plot is officially over, right?  I mean: The kid never knew what the little card was for, pretty much ignored it for several episodes now, and DFW just stole it to give back to its rightful owners, having convinced them that a big violent scene was in nobodies interest.

That equals 'done plot' to me.  I'm guessing not to Fishmen, of course.  Sigh. I'll just... stand around stupidly waiting for the next random event to happen to The Kid then? Okay.

And Back to Gun Guy and Bubba.

And Gun Guy learns his old Cru (still in hiding, Umlaut, my old nemesis?) are bad people.  I KNOW!!!!

I guess it beats the other way this story could go, with them turning on Gun Guy for Reasons.  

So Android Resistance Guy has put my Moe-droid into a little black dress, and all the delightfully awkward Moe in the world cannot change my mind that this is not a good development, not one bit.  ARG is about to get murderhobo'd. Shame, he seems like a nice enough guy, well intentioned and all that.

Letting the scene progress I'm going to hold off on the hordes of murderhobos for the time being.    Yes, I said that. While not my brand, he does bring some Moe of his own to these scenes. Mostly though, he's just... he's great for getting very high quality Moe from Moe-Droid... and developments are looking mostly harmless.  

So, I'll keep my pointy hat and long stick in the closet for now. You may relax, the tavern is free of quest givers for the moment.

And... Gun Guy.  Yeah, this show's gonna have to explain exactly why they thought bringing back his old cru (minus Umlaut, who probably took their patsy's kid hostage, of screen, the bastard) was a good idea from THEIR point of view.  Also: he straight guns the fuck out of them when its time.  Gun Guy. Doesn't strut his munchkin as much as loner-ninja-badass, but bring it he does.

And the Kanedans, for once, figure out they can't edit violence for shit and wisely pull a classic western bit for the showdown, pulling back so you just see the flashes and then birds fly off. Not Doves, sadly.  John Woo could not help them, so no Doves.

So.  Gun Guy shows up where the old guy who raised him after murdering his parents is hanging out with the kidnapped kid and the scene is intense. I mean I think its intense, but I'm pretty jaded, really, and it does have a few cliches littering up the joint, but... intense. I am still convinced that Gun Guy is the best actor of the bunch.  Anyway, there is talk about redemption and such... not real heavy, sadly, and Gun Guy straight up Han Solo/Greedo's the old guy and walks out.  

We get another hit of Leather-Daddy crushing a deep emotional conflict moment with GMGF, so... second rate really, but it gives GMGF a chance to class up the joint for once.

Then its DFW with QHPS in a random bar.  And... nailed it.  During that weirdly awkward moment between DFW adn The Kid she pickpocketed her mysterious Plot Key back from DFW.

Because OF COURSE!   I mean, why the hell not, right? RIGHT?!!!!

Anyway: We get a moment between The Kid and Gun Guy, and he just cruises right through that moment in classic Gun Guy fashion, and a very, very brief... Moe-ment where Moe-Droid contemplates her new, Moe-Free future.  

And! THE RETURN OF MARK STEYN!!!!!  Unexpected! It seems QHPS owes him something big, and The Kid has got the key.  

Also: Winter is Coming?

Really?  Sure, sure...

So the Ep begins with...

Sigh.

Not a good sigh. The depressed sigh of one who has seen the future, a bleak and moe-less future, and then lives just long enough to see it come to pass.

So, the Ep begins...

...


with A moe-less Moe-Droid, in completely non-moe civvies, kicking random ass in a bar.  I've seen this actress do this before, and it wasn't pleasant.  She really needs to stick with the Moe.

Well. I'm off to eat a bullet. I might need a few, actually, that Moe is some powerful stuff, and I'm still jazzing off the last episode.  I guess I'll watch a bit more while I wait to come down.

Cut TO: The Cru (Umlaut hiding under the table, I suspect) bitching about having Leather-Daddy on board, and, lolcats, GMGF basically dismissing SR2 from the medbay like an obnoxious extra who hasn't figured out their scene is done yet.

Oh for fucks sake... they're looking for a 'person of interest' in SR's murder????  Am I the only one who saw the GNN report that showed The Real Jace Corso? What, exactly, needs investigating?  Seriously: The Fish-men have proven they have better memories than this.  C'mon, show... you started the season strong, don't lose focus on me now!

oooohhhhhh..... um... uh...what.... what was I talking about? Oh... ohyeah... Moe.  The Good Stuff, yeah......

Sorry. right. Um. Moe-droid, in Full Moe, wants to go undercover as a human to get arrested... so... opening scene? I'm guessing Opening Scene.

Sorry, hard to think when mainlining Moe that pure... man...

and the writers wisely abstain from pulling out the Moe-Friend card.... can't have their users ODing on the stuff, now can they?  Clever, clever Moe-dealers...

Ok, so still not buying non-moe moe-droid, but I have to admit her first attempt to get arrested is pretty.damn.moe.  In the raw, you might say. Unrefined, but still clearly Moe.  And the cop/security guard just... ignoring her.  Oh, oh god...thats...  

Will.
Not.
Giggle.



whew.


OMG, you guys. Guess what Loner-ninja-badass is doing with his spare time????

Did you say Fightan Practice?

I'm sure you did.

Well...

You... are... WRONG! He's totally watching the news. I KNOW!!!! RIGHT???!!!

And... more er...  um.. 'droid... doing her getting arrested schtick. Its funny, but it can wear thin fast, I think.  Still, she calls herself out for 'shittalking a GA guard', and if you were really needing a proper name for Moe-droid, now you have one, I guess? Kiva Ehrens. Meh.  She'll always be Moe-Droid to me... well, when she's not being Blue-Moe or Red-Moe, I guess.

Anyway, she does some Sweet Fem Fatale, but its just not doing it for me. I find myself more interested in the poor put upon GA Guard who is responsible for processing her arrest. He seems nice.

So... callback to Wexler rapey-torturing SR and The Kid? I think that's just what happened.  And we get SR2 doing his 'I'm a junkie' routine just to remind us he is a junkie.

Feel ya, bro.

And... we get a flashback, presumably to him negligently homiciding a patient during surgery. So why does he know smugglers? Whatever. For just a brief moment he manages to look mildly disconcerted, then he's back to mildly bemused.  But, to be fair, he managed to pull it off without help from another actor, so... props?

And, just to weird things up a bit... we get... Kiva... doing Fightan Practice in that bastard Monk's training space.  So that's a... well... its a drink. In fact its weird enough that I am, in fact, going to go pour myself a drink. And drink it.  No simulated Drinking Game for this bit.  Damnit, its interfering with my prime rib. Only the best breakfast to taunt you bastards with, I say.  This particular piece of meat was, in fact, massaged for three days by vestal virgins, brought forth through time just for this one task, before being ritually defiled in a temple of Jupiter while the meat was being cooked to perfection inside a bronze bull...  

How I managed these tasks is, unfortunately, a tale for a different day.  Lets just say HG Wells owes me a few favors, m'kay?

That was... not... a small drink.  The good news I have at last regained my sense of smell. In fact, I think I gained YOUR sense of smell.

Also, I realized I was wrong about the Prime Rib. It was the meat that was defiled in a temple to Jupiter, while the virgins were cooked in the bronze bull.  A bit wasteful, I suppose, but the meat was delicious.

Now, back to the Episode.  So... Kiva... seems to be trying to split the difference between Normal and Moe in her scene with that bastard Monk.  She seems to like Fightan now. Also, NOW we are back to the beginning.

Oh, poor poor GA Guard. I think, but refuse to verify, that the Chief Inspector is the werewolf boyfriend from Lost Girl. I liked that guy, so I'm inclined to like the Chief Inspector, but still... that poor guard.  

And I am pleased to report that random GA Guard lives, and keeps his job. I'm not sure HE appreciates the latter, but, well...  I mean, all's well that ends well.

And... Kiva is hit or miss with Technobabble.  I mean in Fightan Practice she delivered teh TB goods, but in the Hunt for the Real Jace Corso? Not so much. Its... meh TB to be honest. I mean, the deets are there, but the delivery is flat.

Oh, and we are STILL integrating the new cru (except Umlaut, that motherfucker played both sides for fools). Right.  And, pains me though it does, Nyx is the voice of sweet, sweet reason.  One Cru to rule them all (and in the Umlaut bind them!).  You know... if I ever figure out how to do fancy symbols, my jokes gonna die hard.  In ignorance lies humor?

Ok, so The Real Jace Corso's hidden fortress has a pretty sweet kill-zone surrounding it, but  because hiring out local industrial parks is cheap, he likes to fight in dark, concrete tunnels with lots of pipes. Perfect place for a sniper rifle, amirite?

And... Nyx is River Tam up in this bitch. Well, got that from Telenovela Fightan Practice, but still. She heard The Real Jace Corso Looking Through A Scope.  Think about that for a good long while.  Chew on it a bit.  Enjoy your soylent green, totally not made of people this time, swearsies.

Um... don't ask me what happened to teh Vestal Virgins after the bronze bull. Totally not related.

"Hopefully? Aren't androids supposed to be a little more precise?"

"I do know the exact odds of success and trust me, hopefully sounds better."



So its not all bad? But I'm having to get shit second hand Moe from supporting characters, and it doesn't even look like Gun Guy brought Bubba on their hunting trip.  

So, Nyx may have Lore: Bunkers, because OF COURSE... maybe she River Tam'd it? But Loner-Ninja-Badass has Craft:Welding, so there!

What? he probably uses it in his downtime to make more swords. That's what I'D do.

So, the GA show up at the facility and just a goddamn minute. The Cru (Umlaut sold them out, its the only explanation that makes sense anymore) only knew where to go to find information about TRJC... so the GA should be looking for the man they kidnapped and interrogated, not TRJC. There is a leap here that makes no damn sense, and that irritates me.

Also, the Real Jace Corso escaped his own bunker via... vent ducts?  ooookaaaayy....

And the Cru keep doing things the hard way (as Umlaut keeps playing them for fools. Seriously, I can do this all day...), as the wounded Leather Daddy leads teh charge to rescue the rest of the Cru (Umlaut in tow) along with SR2 (useless) and The Kid... while Kiva, the android, hangs out on the parked ship?  Sure, sure.  

Also the Real Jace Corso blows up his own base, because OF COURSE. CGI for shit, however.  Also: Drama! Excitement! Cave INS!

I gotta admit: While Nerd-Werdy the intimidation checks on this show are generally excellent.   Well, Fishmen are scary, right? So that follows.

And just don't that beat all? The real weakness of any Loner-ninja-badass? Environmental Hazard checks!  that bastard Monk is trapped in the cave in and found by Chief Inspector, who doesn't really seem to have time for this shit.  An eminently practical man... if a bit on the Hubris side.  

So, plenty of small but generally excellent scenes in the cave in.  GMGF disposes of The Real Jace Corso with about five words too many, but not before he hints that Darius is Obediah Stane. Just a hint, of course. Because Investigations are fun y'all!

And a touching moment between Nyx and Gun Guy as he lets her fondle Pip to shoot out a lock?  I mean... sure.  I guess they forgot that they wrote her initially as a man hater vagina bodied person.

"If you open fire you risk killing Loner-ninja-badass."

"I'm guessing he's okay with that."

"It is a better death than what awaits me."

"Told ya!"


So... I was pretty much all prepared to point out that once again the stay-behind cru (not Umlaut, that saucy whore is with the regulars) are plot-useless, but then they steal the GA shuttle, so good job?

Red Moe?! Only You Can Save Us Now!!!!

oh. So, mandatory Fightan Practice, but its going to be... sigh... a Nyx episode?

Do we really need her backstory?  

So, with that, sweet, sweet internet, I bid thee a fond farewell, adieu and godsbodkin.

I've got the ragged tails of a Moe-high to sleep off, a wedding to attend, a wife to murder and a war to plan. I'm swamped.

Meh. Insomnia caused by the boundless urge to write, thwarted by hidden moderator locks... might as well watch an episode or two.

So... we get flashback for Nyx, then she offers an 'Op' to rip off a freighter full of 'Shadow', which Im just going to call Ecstacy, m'kay? No, no... that's too hard to spell. Ok, fine. Shadow. Whatever.

Then we get, sigh, more 'we don't like Leather Daddy no more' shit.   Hammer that some more, why don't you?

oh, and before I forget: Now we get White-Moe.  I mean: Its better than Kiva, and its Moe as heck when she talks about it, but... maybe I'm just an old fashioned asshole, but I miss the Classic Blue-Moe.  

Hey! We get to see the Raza shooting some shit. I mean: its generic energy bolts hitting generic energy shields, but its more than we've got before.

And... we have Gun Guy flying the shuttle?  Well, I mean that could be a good back-door to getting Leather-Daddy back on the Cru (provided Umlaut doesn't veto...), one rough ride from Pilot Gun Guy and... they'll be begging for Leather Daddy to hang out on the shuttle (which? They talk about the Maurader, but they've stolen at least two 'cool' extra shuttles this season. THe Ishida prison shuttle and the very heavily armed GA battle-shuttle.

And... they totally loot the guns of teh security guards of teh frieghter. Stun guns, but still. So... Drank! Thats the most RPG thing we've seen all season!  

Also: Drug smugglers in the far Space Future have gotten seriously soft. Stun Guns?  For shame!

I mean... twist? sure... I promise to be surprised.

Does a hallway full of used cryopods count as a twist?  No? Just creepy? Ok, we'll go with that.

The twist comes right on schedule. They are REALLY there to rescue Cryopod Nyx Brother.  I am floored, I tell you, that this wasn't a legit op. Floored.

Yanno... not to be all Raciss and stuff (I try to leave that to teh Fishmen... and Nyx...) but I can't help notice that Nyx-Brother is a whole heck of a lot darker than Nyx.  Like... a lot. Like Nyx is basically GMGF with a tan and Nyx-bro is like, two shades darker than Leather Daddy.  Are they brother and sister like Jack and Meg White?   I mean... I don't really want to reference the White Stripes too often in this thread, but... I mean...  I guess Fishmen really dig some White Stripes.

So... looted stun guns. I guess loner-ninja-badass's don't do Stun, so.. that was a bit of a waste.

And bullshit drama. I refuse to buy a frieghter, even a drug smuggling, creepy pod person crewed Freighter is any sort of challenge to a Galactic Authority Destroyer in a space fight.

Do Fishmen even Traveller? I mean, clearly SOMEONE Travellers, at least a little bit... but are they sharing with the writers?

And...  I see this being a problem. So they've swagged some... sigh... Shadow from teh frieghter full of creepy pod people... and the pod people (Nyx-Bro, for example!) are... chronically addicted to the stuff... for Science!

Any bets on this being a problem or was I too Raciss a minute ago and am now persona non-grata?  Eh. I'm putting it up there with Darius-Obediah Stane odds, either way.

Shit. I'm running out of groups to offend against.  I mean, I can levels some generic anti-white insults, but really, would anyone notice?  Stupid Crackers.  Man, that was disappointing.  It just doesn't feel right when its forced. Maybe if I shouted 'Surprise!' first?

So I was going to say something positive about the random shit-talking but I'm too distracted by SR2 apparently expanding his range of addictions.  Don't get me wrong, I'm straight up a one drug Pika (Moe, natch...in all its variants)... but I get that some junkies will shoot up anything on hand, just for the thrill...  Somehow I'm... underwhelmed by SR2 going for teh Shadow Stash.

Oh, right. And Kid randomly stumbles on Shenanigans, because OF COURSE.  I bet she climbs into a vent this ep too.

and... she is distractingly off-track, acting wise. SR2 does alright as teh twitchy lying junkie, I guess. I mean... I do it better... um... I didn't say that. Right. The Kid... so... what the fuck is she doing in this scene?  

Oh, and GMGF makes Gun Guy take Leather Daddy on the drug deal because... I wonder what her reasoning could be? Because he's just so damn twitchy? Oh? You say... no, say it ain't so!

Well. I mean, who saw that coming?

Leather-Daddy is... get this... going to pilot the Marauder.

Wow. I... I need a moment to process this shocking (SHOCKING) revelation.

ok, I'm good now. Whew.

So brief scene of Nyx and Nyx-bro, complete with expo-drops that Milo (nyx-bro) is, like, totally crucial to Pod Person success and he's got to go back. Shocked, I am.  

Then the Frieghter pops up to wreck the drug deal now in progress. Ok, so I'll buy that their Creepy Pod Person powers include finding random Drug Deals in the relatively tiny area known as 'Space'. But again: Freighter. Creepy Pod Person Drug Frieghter or no, but Freighter.  Again: The Raza is a stolen military ship, and I'm guessing Totally For Reals drug dealers aren't flying a 'freighter' either.

So... that's the end of Creepy Pod People, right?

Sigh.

Ok. So I get that For Reals Drug Dealers want nothing to do with random ship battles. That tracks. So we know that Fishmen have some experience buying on the street.

But... really? The Raza is... at risk?  What? Did it learn to fight from SR?  Did some asshole put him in charge of the guns or something?  Or is this some sort of fancy drug-fueled rage that magically works for machinery? We going Telelogical now? Because if that's what we're doing, I'm down for that. I mean... if thats how we roll, I got a list of things I'm gunna start believing right now!

oh, right. Yeah, the Marauder, with LD and GG is going to be bro-bonding stranded on a toxic planet, so that should be... special. Good thing I trust in those two actors to at least make it tolerable.

Oh, hey. Halfway through the Ep. I guess that's as good a time as any to Post.

Oh great. A round of Who's Line Is This.

Nyx-bro is aight. He's got his Technobabble down, which is always a good sign.  Its hard to evaluate his acting from that alone, but I got faith in Nyx-bro. Of course, he's a guest star, so...

And... oh my aching sides... Moe-droid tells GMGF she is anything but predictable.

Also, don't try the White-Moe. They cut taht shit with baking powder or something. YOu think you're getting Moe, but really you're just baking a cake. Sad.

So... Loner-Ninja-Badass offers Nyx-bro an apple, and I'm not sure who is supposed to be the Asshole, but since that bastard Monk is the one to eat it, I guess that means him?

Well, that's a surprise, right? Who would have guessed that a loner-ninja-badass was an asshole?

Also: The Creepy Pod People are Too Powerful to fight. Right, but... like... why?  I mean: Sure they can sorta predict teh future, but they've got one ship with all their people and... well... I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with The Raza that they keep getting punked by the Pod People Ship?  

Right, but... that bastard Monk and Nyx-bro.  So...  Nyx-bro predicts... another betrayal?

Also: Nyx-bro out badasses that bastard Monk by simply being a predictor? Sweet.   See... if you deliver Good Technobabble you probably can Act. Its like... Spike's First Law of Shitty Sci-Fi or something.

Yanno? I wasn't gonna talk about LD and GG. I mean, I probably could have written this part of the script while asleep (just like I'm writing this post while I'm asleep.  Look, just roll with it.  HG Wells isn't the only one who owes me favors...)

But damn. LD delivers the Goods when he totally calls Gun Guy on his act. Not that Gun Guy is slacking in the scene.

So. Nyx is not my favorite character on this show, obviously. But this ep? Worst Nyx ever. I mean: I'd rather have the Nyx from teh prison ep than this bland boring 'good sister' routine.  I mean... I'll take randomly british Nyx over this.  But Nyx-bro?  Yes please.  Oh, right, the scene for you blind mofos. He's telling Five to change the world because Corporate Total War. Five is... pensive, followed by more pensive, then... pensively elated?

Right. So I'm officially giving Leather-Daddy permission to break her again, if only to shake things up. I figure its been long enough for her to recover from her last 'real emotion'.

Sigh.

So. The Creepy Pod People. Show up. And shoot as they come out of FTL. And the Raza is now... sheildless.

Say. Didn't they just establish in the last Ep that a ship coming out of FTL is sensor blind for, like several minutes?  How do you shoot people with... no sensors?

Right. So done with Creepy Pod People.

So lots of stuff happens.  The Creepy Pod People get Nyx-bro back because they are Creepy Pod People, that bast... no, no, for this one time only... Monk slips a knife to Nyx-bro so he can do the honorable death thing once the Raza is safely away, and we continue our fight-romance between Monk and Nyx.

Oh. and GMGF gets plot train running on time by having some sort of hand spasm.  How many eps are they gonna milk that?  I mean, random Space Zombie Bite lingered for... what the fuck was it? Six goddamn eps before finally paying off? But they usually don't have that sort of patience, so I'm going to assume... next ep.

So... its the Return of teh Stargate Autism Guy!

I... sigh.  I just lost mad shit talking to Touchpad, my nemesis.

So hes in this episode for real this time. Thats all you get on that now.  I'm off to pout.

So we get the usual annoying Nyx, rather than the boring Good Sis Nyx, so Upgrade? (No. no. NO. Upgrayedd (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLtQQbU_-jE).)  And... well.. she wants some of SR2's good drugs, because thats what this show needs, more junkies.  Well, at least SR2 isn't annoying me. He's doing surprisingly good when given chances, like this.

Ok. So... I want to comment on SG Autism Guy but... Directed by Jason Priestly?

I.

Well fuck me, why do they keep doing weird shit like this to me?  I mean... what the fuck am I supposed to do? Ignore that? Make a lame 90210 joke? Well, I mean, I WILL do that, but... I mean... that's not enough, right? I mean, that's just like... a reflex action, not a real... take on this state of affairs.

I just realized that I actually don't know any of the characters on that show by name... only by actor names. Thats... weird, right?

I mean... the last time I saw Jason Priestly he was a 'totally not ghey you guyz' cowboy in Tombstone.  Jesus, I forgot he even existed.

Great. Just... peachy. Now I'm craving a fix of Shannon Dougherty.  

well. If SGAG is going to be in the entire ep I guess I can refrain from demanding Moe.   I don't want his twitchy to give me a bad trip.  Also: Nyx Clothesline.

Oh, right. So.. they are going after the Questionably Hot Powerskirt.   And a callback to Wil Wheaton, because twitch guy doesn't really bring much creepy himself.

Oh goddamnit! White-Moe brings serious Moe when trying to bond with Nyx over losses. I will not get weepy over the death(s) of Serious Roleplayer.  Its like they are daring me.

Hmm...

Hmm.

So. Twitchy has an asian girlfriend who is incredibly shallow or something.

OR... the return of Sword-Gurl?  The lethality of Bubba is a bit... well... its a bit plot driven I think.  Bubba is all about the Look of the Shot. Admittedly that's a bit shallow, especially for a gun, but he IS an artist, and you KNOW how they can be... you know... tempermental.

Well, because I am so very raciss despite also being yellow, I can't tell one hot asian chick from another so... still not sure if I'm being played. But I DO know we've got the return of Chief Inspector Werewolf, so that's a welcome... thing.  Also, John Kim can get behind Kyle in the line to kick my ass for being an insensitive asshole in this thread.  Next!

Right. So Jason Priestly apparently is a member of the Cult of Hollowwood Hacking.  And the show was actually doing, if not great than not excretably bad, on that. Oh well.  

So. The scene was progressing so well. We had some white-moe on Gun Guy acting, The Kid managed to keep up, some Technobabble...

Then.

oh the stupid.

So they are Transfer Transiting into QHPS's fortress headquarters, into perfectly disposable temporary clones.

And... they plan to do this from orbit. Over the headquarters. With the marauder on standby for fire support?

What do I say in the face of that much concentrated stupid?   I mean... its verging on so goddamn stupid that its actually secretly awesome.  A bit like Wayne's World. But... can it cross the line?  

White Moe checking out Gun Guy's ass.  

Yanno? I think this is a case of an actress who should actively avoid playing herself?  I mean: She failed hard (IMHO or whatever. Like I don't only speak objective truth.) when playing a lesbian on Lost Girl, but playing a questionably straight Moe-Droid?  

Hilariously on point.

Ok. Kiva slapping his ass in that ep we don't want to talk about? That was more than a bit forced, but pretty much everything Kiva had that quality except for the hidden Moe within occasionally shining through.

So. Casting a... very chesty... actress to play The Kid clearly leads to weird costuming choices. Like... the Transfer Jumpsuits are... snug. So snug we get plenty of Moe comments about it. Yet The Kid? Wearing a loose fitting tunic thing. Not snug. Because: Chesty.    

And its not like they didn't know this when they cast her, its been a feature of the show since Ep 1... disguising the Chest. (I recall noting that the Cryosleep Danskin jumpsuits weren't quite... uniform, but didn't realize why at that time.).

So, ran out of passably young Kanedan girls, did they?  

And... White-Moe and Twitchy... two great tastes that, shockingly, taste great together?  

And... back to our amusingly boring raid.

So. Good technobabble? From The Kid?  Ok, I'll take it. I mean... I'm noshing on White-Moe/Twitchy sandwitches, so I'm not hard to please, yo.  

Oh, right: The card thingy is (absurdly) part of a jump drive, so 'cooler' than usual FTL.  And Loner-Ninja-Badass makes the bland up shockingly inaccurate observation that a fleet of jump-ships would be unstoppable.

No.

I mean. You wouldn't want to fight an offensive war against that sort of fleet, but ships don't fight at FTL, so a defensive fleet could protect key systems using conventional tactics.  In fact, faced with that sort of enemy and no match, that's the time to start investing in System Defense Boats, since that's what your fleet is functionally reduced to.

So... leave the strategeries to people who don't carry swords.

Oh god... more stupid?

This isn't a 'drive'... its... a magic black box that turns any ship into a blinky ship.  Well, good?  Because now they want it for The Raza, because god only knows that damn ship fights like Serious Roleplayer's third character, so being able to run away even better is probably a good idea.  So.. the raid may actually start looking like... a raid.

Ok... so... faceslapping The Kid is an instant knife murder for everyone in the room. Unless its in a dream sequence.  

Accidentally tackling The Kid's Transfer Clone results in... an instant Facekicking for just the offender. Good, we're starting to build a hierarchy of sins here.  Transfer Clones are more protected than dream avatars.

So. Drunk SR2, giving his sad-sack story to Nyx in a hall by a cryopod, praying for Amnesia.  For 'Drunk' acting its... more or less par for Hollowwood. For emotional pain its... surprisingly subtle. Really, SR2 is impressing me. Great, now I'm gonna have to think he can actually act, and that can't go well when the inevitible disappointment hits.  Nyx is... well, she's more Good Sis, but I guess that's what the scene needs, so I'm gonna give her a pass this time.  

No. I'm not going soft.   Just for that, eat a Post, bitch!

Oh... vents.  Trust The Kid to find some Vents to crawl through.

Hey, I sorta enjoy the events leading up to that, but, well. Vents.

And she's alone now, as The Guys are down. Stunned? Well... clones, so who cares.

So... I didn't have time to really get this prediction out, but I called it, you read it here.

so Gun Guy and Loner-Ninja-Badass wake up in back to back chairs (didn't we discuss this cliche already?), and OF COURSE no guards.  LNB says he can get them out but it will require dislocating both shoulders.

And... he meant Gun Guy's Shoulders. Check me on it, yo.

So, before the promised dislocation, QHPS comes in and delivers the expected ultimatum/threat, and leaves them in the hands of some big stubbly-bald torture guy.

But that's ok, because we get Twitch and White-Moe talking about Moe-upgrades.

So. The Kid 'rescues' the guys then straight murders their transfer clones. I'm not sure how I feel about that.  

And... again, the Raza is useless in a Space Fight, so... the question becomes... WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PARK IN ORBIT!  SPACE INTERNET, BRO!!!!

And a totally daring Marauder rescue. I mean it you guys, Totally Daring.

Ok, its just sort of Meh, but for this show that can be an acheivement, so... I'm sticking to my story.

And... The Raza finally shoots something with moderate effectiveness!  I mean... I'm in awe of the comparative levels of badassness on display.  THirty Whole Seconds of not being shot at again? Why... if the Raza were a Real Ship that would be a fight winning advantage, but here it just means they can escape with everyone and the magic box.

And... they drop off Twitchy back home, and Nyx and SR2 leave the ship! Oh... happy day!

Then they test teh Blinky Drive, adn something goes wrong.

Before we can find out what, Creepy Pod People show up and try to interrogate SR2. Guess predicting a junkie is harder than they expected, because he straight owns them.  So they knife him in teh stomach and leave him to die.

Of course.... knives to teh stomach are great for ending fights, but actually a bit rubbish for knife-murder. Do it right and you still are looking at 20 minutes or so of waiting. Do it wrong and... well... it hurts like a bitch and you'll wreck their situp game, but that's about the extent of it.

Did I point out that SR2 is a doctor?  I mean: If shock doesn't get him, its not like the Creepy Pod People are sticking around to watch him bleed to death internally (or, alternatively, Sepsis. Very Painful and it ruins the meat. Hey, Soylent Green is pricy! I'm just trying to be ecological and stuff...)

So... I predict he lives, but then again we ARE Talking about Kanedan Fishmen, so...

oooohhh... hard question for you: If you're waiting around for a depressed junkie to show up for deep meaningful conversation and he doesn't would you rather find out that he'd scored big and hard adn was on a nod/ODing... or would you rather find out he'd been stabbed in the gut and left to bleed to death?  

I mean: think about it. Really... think about it. Is it a relief that he didn't score and check out rather than meet you?

Welcome back to the Wokest Show on the Web!

I mean: We've got a Trans-human
                            a Trans-Droid
                            a Trans-Cop
                            a Trans-Emperor
                            a Trans-Kid
                      and a Trans-Softy.

Can't get much woker than that!

Well, I mean, you CAN if you count a Trans-warship.  And, being the generous, open minded and utterly inoffensive little Pika that I am... I totally do!

So. Blinky Drive.  Ship jumped 1.3 miles and ruptured all systems.  We get serious-White-Moe, so... no real Moe hits for you addicts.

Oh, and the local space station is officially trashed. Blinky drive? Time Travel? Pod People?  Angry internet hate mobs?  

Who can say...

I can't, but I say its Time Travel.  Ohhh... lookie there! Its... another Raza. Well, I mean, its clearly not THE Raza... because its actually fighting other ships and not utterly losing because OF COURSE!

And we get the Voice of Inferior Weir, and my Time Travel theory is looking pretty good. I mean, I can't rule out alternate dimensions or anything, but... its Time Travel, yo.

And... Moe-droid says I'm a damn liar. Its alternate dimensions all the way down. Well, who am I to argue with that?  ooooohhhh... will we meet a version of GMGF with an evil beard?

So. Showdown between Inferior Weir and GMGF. Its good.

Now the Cru (without Umlaut, who is stuck in not-alternate-dimensions, obviously), will go after Cru (who's Umlaut is probably planning to stab someone in the back over those sexy metallic vests...) for a new Blink Drive.  Because OF COURSE!

I mean, what sort of episode would it be without that delicious and yet all too bland and formulaic plot?

And we get our regularly scheduled fix of Moe. I gotta say, those fishmen figured it out quick this season, unlike the spotty and uneven delivery of last season.  Still not too happy with this new White-Moe. Also: Stay Weird, Kid.  If Kaneda eventually gets sick of ya, you'll be right at home in Portlandia.

Ok, so LD finds out that Alt-LD is straight up dead, murdered by Alt-GMGF, who, sad to say, is not sporting a wicked Goatee. In fact the only difference i see is a little more cleavage showing.   Then that bastard Monk offers a shot at teh other Raza, as here he is a very bloody emperor indeed.  

And... we see alt-GG and alt-GMGF who totally get hot for cold blooded murder.  Sexah!

Hey! Its... Wexler, the Female Incest Twin and... well, one of the Jace Corsos.  

Y'know? I feel like I should have seen that coming.  Well, alt-corso anyway.  Why, oh why, won't they let the man stay dead?  

Nono... lets let him... sigh... class up the joint with some Roleplaying.  Well, we got an Alt-Wexler to entertain us, anyway.

Well. That was unexpected. Female Incest Twin wants Gun Guy to play Jack White in her twisted little games? Sexah!

And am I surprised that GMGF is the one to break character in front of Alt-Cru (I think they cooked and ate Umlaut years ago...). Well, that is a tough question to answer. I don't feel surprised, yet it does seem a mite out of character for GMGF as she's been presented in this season alone, what with the cold blooded murder, threats of cold blooded murder and other moments of extreme-practicality.  

So... no-ish?


And, though I have been one to harp on the rather twisted morality of our... ahem... heroes, in this particular case, at this particular time, and in this particular way I find myself rather... upset that she does.  Not surprised, but upset.  Drama-llama and all that.

Alt-Blue-Moe!

Hmm... an interesting, but not unforseen, experience.

ooooohhh... Alt Corso wants to knife murder Gun Guy?  Well, this should be short and slightly silly to watch.  Should being the operative term.  

Well. Maybe a few seconds shorter might be accurate, but it worked out pretty much as you'd expect. Gun Guy whips ass (despite, weirdly, not having thought to bring a gun. I KNOW!!!! RIGHT??? I mean: Dude goes into Cryostasis armed with Lulu and Pip fer fucks sake!

Then Twist! Er... sort of? When Female Incest Twin tko's Gun Guy and drops history expo bomblet, then KOs him to fight, sigh, GMGF.

You know? I'm wondering how Alt-Cru managed to survive as long as they did. Umlaut rations?

So.... Spike's Second Law of Dark Matter: If you are holding the knife in a fight, you are losing.  

Carry on.

Is it wrong to want Alt-Blue-Moe to come with?  

Yes, yes it is wrong.  But I don't wanna be right.

I could use Alt Female Incest Twin and, maybe, Alt-Wexler, but they gotta leave Alt-Corso.

So. Inferior Weir has a Neuralizer. That has really, really interesting implications about this Alt-verse.   Also: Treachery? Oh My!  And for what unearthly purpose?

Just for teh record? Inferior Weir apparently mainlines badass bitch from time to time. Like now.   Frau Potente should have taken notes and maybe she wouldn't have gotten herself Moe-Murdered.

Well.  I mean. Well.  So much Badass Bitch just pouring out of her that it reduced White-Moe to a quivering ball of Moe?  Jeebus on Toast.

Oh, sure: the plan is undoubtedly to use hostages to force GMGF to give up the Blinky Drive.  That's my guess.

But...

I mean. Well.  Sigh.  I guess it was inevitable. I did call it way back in the prison, if I recall.  

Yes.

Superior Weir.

Sigh. I shall never forget the original Superior Weir, in her brief but so memorable run on SG-1. Inferior Weir, in those days, could not hold a candle, but clearly she was merely biding her time, conserving her strength for this moment.   I have been forced to hand the laurels to another. Well played, Kaneda... well played.

Post, while I recover my equilibrium. Its not every day that such a momentous event occurs.  Even the Gods upon Olympus must pause in their revelries for just a moment to acknowledge the passing of an era.

You know? In retrospect I am not entirely sure that White-Moe was actressing.  I believe the sheer undiluted Badass Bitch coming off of Superior Weir actually started robbing the actress of her powers of speech and she physically shut down to protect her suddenly, and unexpectedly, fragile psyche.

Clearly Superior Weir can violate Spike's First Law of Dark Matter with impunity. The Kid should be careful of her delicate face around Superior Weir.  Just as a precaution.

The best part is? No matter what actually happens to Superior Weir in this episode, we'll still have her... her terrible might carefully under wraps until the moment is right.  

Yes! The Power of Alt-Blue-Moe is exactly what we need. Superior Weir may have  expended too much of her power on White Moe and is suddenly vulnerable!  

whew.  

Man... this ep is killin' me! Now we have Alt-Blue Moe and White Moe?  GMGF 'made' Moe-droid?  

I'm exhausted!

Oh, yeah. they get back home and apparently brought a stow-away with an FTL capable marauder? Mysteries! Yay?  

Oh, and no sign of Nyx or SR2 this ep, though Nyx is name checked and SR2 is officially missing.

Ooooh and GMGF has a plot induced seizure, so we're still doing that. Nanites, man, how DO they work.  How indeed.

So. We start with Sexah Time with Nyx and that bastard Monk.  

And.... we get Nyx doing not-Telenovela and that bastard Monk royally, and hilariously, fucking it up by trying to maximally calculated badass his way through not-Telenovela.

O.M.G.

Yeah. Charisma is definitely his dump stat.  

That is... man, that's almost as much fun as Alt-Blue Moe Vs White Moe.

oh... jesus wept on her porcelain throne! Now Gun Guy is having fun with the two of them, but what about The Kid's delicate ears?  

aaaaaannnnndddd.... Gun Guy is not above embarrassing The Kid into leaving early so he can scam her food. And SCENE!

whew.

I... I'll be in my bunk.  For the rest of the Episode.  No. No I don't really care what else happens. I'm done, this episode was perfected in the first two and a half minutes. Nothing else to see here.

What?  Fine. Fine. I'll "Watch" the rest of the Ep, but really, what is the point?

Wait: So White Moe can't even fully say 'You're dying' to GMGF? So Moe that it gets in the way of speech?  Comes out 'Ye diey'.  

ooohhh... the GM didn't tell his GF she'd be sidelined for tonight's adventure?  So cruel.

Leather Daddy actually asks where the space elevator goes?  So... the GA doesn't hire the sharpest tools in the shed, do they. It goes into space, man! Duh.  I would have paid real money if The Kid had said that to him just like that.  Oh well. Missed opportunities.

Oh? GMGF thinks she can bribe me... er... I mean the GM... by calling Moe-droid a friend?  Well, if I WERE the GM that would work, so... clever girl.   But we all know she's trying to negotiate with Fishmen, and who knows what works for them. Well.... I mean, Dagon knows, I guess, but really... you can go ask him if it matters so damn much to you. I'm not going unless I got Superior Weir in full Badass Bitch Mode at my back with at LEAST Two Moes, and... just for good measure, Umlaut.

Then. THen, maybe Dagon.  I, of course, will carry Bubba.

Just in case.

And... someone really wants Loner-Ninja-Badass, that bastard Monk, to have an episode I guess.  Clearly not in the LNB sense... we get that almost every episode whether we want it or not.  He's revealing some heart here, to Leather Daddy, who... of course... is pulling a superior performance out of him.  

No, that's not capitalized, and yes, I meant it that way. Seriously, you should just trust I know what I'm doing.

We got... Lennon Glasses Gun Guy and British Nyx?

You know what? I am not going to make a single prediction for this episode.  Nope. You bastards are forcing me to watch past that perfect opening, but you can't make me predict shit.

Ok. Maybe one little prediction. Wil Wheaton is going to be a creepy little man.

That's all you get.

So this was all just the recon run, now it be plannin' time.  Impregnable Space Station, check. Possibly mad, but more likely cowering, scientist type? Check.  Illegal eyeball modification? Check. Moe? Eh. Check, but only on principle. GMGF on a suicide counter? Double check and a side of extra strength Moe.  So... fishmen are vulnerable to Moe Bribes. Good to know, I guess.  


So. Our scientist type is... a man of principle.  See? No predictions from me.  He's the only survivor of GMGF's original escape because he is, in fact, a man of principle.  He even refuses, briefly, to set up his co-workers for a visit from Umlaut.... even to help save GMGF.

Of course now...

Now I am craving Fist of Curry.

well double damn and fuck me. Good job, show. Now I want food from a resteraunt that won't exist for hundreds of years.  

I'm blaming you guys. I could have been halfway through the next episode by now and utterly missed Fist of Curry, but NOOOOOO... you needed a damn review of the whole episode.

Well.

Suck it, good and hard, because YOU aren't getting any Fist of Curry EITHER!  

And you know what? I bet Scientist Erik and his friends? Not only do they have the excellent taste to eat Fist of Curry takeout (when available...), AND his friends actually bring enough beer to share, but I bet they are wicked gamers.  That's right, you bastards. Not only is there no Fist of Curry for you, but you ALSO get to see a trio of Superior Gamers who you will never, not ever, get to game with.  I bet they've got some absolutely side splitting tales of kobold antics.  

Oh, the poor, poor Kid. Hot Chocolat, in front of White Moe?  And you get the full frontal Moe assault?  You never stood a chance.  Seriously, she actually bounces so hard from Pensive to not-pensive that she almost slips into her weird River Tam Orgasmic mood, thankfully absent all season.  

Eh. Now's as good a time as any to mention this. I don't WANT to mention this, but it does need mentioning. Actually, its sort of sub-par mention time, but whatever. We need a moment to recover anyway.

So I commented that Moe-droid is remarkably short. Kid short, really, or close too it. Apparently part of the whole White-Moe change was to get her into high heels... vaguely subtly.

Look. I like high heels. Like... a lot more than is healthy for any Pika, even me.

But no. Just. No.

I know, I know: an android should have some stature, but this isn't an android. Its a Moe-droid. Short is fine.   Honestly.  And its doing weird not-high-heels things to her posture and posterior (Not, mind you, that I'm looking at Moe-droid's posterior.  I've got some decency you know. I'm looking at GMGFs.  And when that's not enough Female Incest Twins... when available. )  I would normally say that it is impossible for heels to do that to a woman's body, and that's the bog honest truth, but... we aren't talking about a woman, we are talking about a Moe-droid. THE Moe-Droid.   You're fighting an immutable law of Moe here, and you are losing, badly.  

Ditch the heels. Plez.  That's right, I skipped right to Leeloo Dallas. Thats how serious this is.    

Oh, and... I'm guessing Superior Weir and Bubba got my back on this one.  

Bah. They gave Technobabble to GMGF?

I'd complain but the scene is rescued by Scientist Friends, who are way cooler than you.

Jeebus on toast! They gave Moe to that bastard Monk???? And... he... OH MY... he... pulls it off????

I gotta sit down.

that's....

Thats just not right.  The universe is becoming disordered....

ok, ok, breath. Its not real Moe, its... it just looks like Moe. Its... heartfelt emotional pain.  Yes.... yes. Ok. Ok. I can live with that. Yes.  How unpleasant for him. Maybe now he'll understand why he's a bastard. that bastard.

ooooohhhh... false alarm at the retina scanner.  Padding.

Well, I guess a long hibernation did Wil Wheaton some good. I mean, he's still a creepy little man, but at least he looks marginally more presentable this time.  And just as they got their hands on the second gen nanites (how DO they work!)

And... Scientist Eric REALLY REALLY doesn't want Wil Wheaton touching him.  Yeah. Me neither, buddy. Me Neither. I mean, a Pika can only go so low for a cheap date.  

And sadly Epic GM Scientist Eric is murdered offscreen by Wil Wheaton's men.  Yeah. That's grounds for some epic murdering.  If the Guys don't handle this I'll start rounding up murderhobos. One way or another Wil Wheaton's days on screen are numbered man. Off screen too. Just to be certain.  I may get some nukes. I mean... if you're going to do it, best do it right.

Gun Guy calls it. Hopefully this is better than the Wexler double cross episode.  And for bonus points, I hope he does it with a pillow. Watch the scene, see what I mean.

Sadly, my experience is that when Gun Guy is serious about killin' a man he doesn't actually say he's gonna do it. He just sort of does it. Epically.  

But, you know? I don't have an ironclad law here, so we have Hope on our side.  Pesky, pesky Hope.

Ok. So Gun Guy is strapped to a chair for some interrogatin', but GMGF is going to blinky drive the Marauder into the station because... nope, no predictions, so no... you know. Yep, I am a bastard.  I mean, that bastard Monk has me beat, but only because he was a bastard to Moe-droid. I'm just a bastard to you.  

Why am I not surprised that Wil Wheaton keeps a space squid for some good old fashioned tentacle rape... um... I mean, mind rape...

Nope. No prediction.  Restraining self... must...

So a dazed and loopy Gun Guy is dropped back into his cell with Leather Daddy. Draw your own conclusions.

So. Wil Wheaton hates looking bad? Oh honey... I've got some bad news... I mean... maybe not quite as bad as your eventual fate (not a prediction. Remember, I'm putting Murderhobos on standby. Delays in posting are because I've had to relocate to a tavern. Have you ever tried Tavern Wifi? Not good, man... not good.)

And no, Wil... your pet Male GMGF (like that's not creepy) will not help you.  Murderhobos, motherfucker. They eat flesh golems for lunch as a warmup to slay dragons for pennies on the dollar.  Hey, no one said Murderhobos had good fiscal sense!

Still not making predictions as nyx joins the fight and Gun Guy stumbled amniably behind that bastard Monk.... so we've got two teams, which is... hey! Those theiving bastards read my review again! Remember! Back in the Prison Episodes!  Hey! You Fishmen! You owe me a showering!  er.. that... that didn't quite come out right.

Do I find it hilarious that when Nyx shot the flesh golem nothing much happened, but when Loner-Ninja-Badass, that bastard Monk shoots the Flesh Golem it goes down?

I do indeed. I do indeed.

Well. I haven't made any predictions, but if I HAD made one it would have been that they'd use Flesh Golem's Blood to heal GMGF. And I'd be a gloating motherfucker right about now.

Bask in it, bask in the shadow of the gloating you don't get to experience.  Rage impotently at what might have been while I savor your helpless fury.   Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Gloat, I shall share no wonders for I am the biggest bastard around.

Oh, and that bastard Monk? He fucking knows, man. He feels it, that he's been eclipsed. You can see it haunt him when they do that 'is she dead' fake out you knew was coming.  Yeah, that's not him acting, bitches... that's terror that he'll never again know the glory of true bastardy.  No Loner-Ninja-Badass can survive long as second best, and he knows it. The Reaper is coming for him now. I done stole his Mojo.

Oh... and if I had been making predictions?

Gun Guy's sudden case of Squid Eye would have been up there too.  

Oh I know.  Weep for me, for I find the bitter tears of your regret delicious.


Ok, ok I'll relent, just a little. I totally did not call Leather-Daddy twigging right away.... so that sub-plot went no-where on a rocket.

So... mind rape space squids REALLY don't like to be called out. Note to self.

REALLY. Also, I don't think its... environmentally sound... to space a mind-rape space squid.  Won't someone think of the poor virgins?

Even Moe-droid is tired of Gun Guy's sniping at crew members? Wow. I... just wow. Literally tired.


Okay. Head trip ending. Kiva-moe waking up in a fancy bed in a fancy house?

Ok, so... I'm gunna take Gun Guy at his word, regarding the eventual fate of Wil Wheaton, at least for an episode. It seems I'm going to have to send a murderhobo express delivery to at least one Fishman, so they rest will learn.   Its the only way.

eh. Before I start the next ep... like any amount of sleep deprivation could keep me from upending that Kiva-moe mindbender...

I'm... you know, I'm guessing that the creepy old guy with the voice-box from last season was a space squid... so, not a pet but a master.  I mean, this one wasn't terribly articulate or anything, but they DO sort of set teh plot pointer in that direction.  

And I'm REALLY getting tired of having the FishMen read my review and NOT give me my shower scene... only now I'm sorta terrified they WILL give me a shower scene... with Kiva-Moe.

Maybe I should skip this ep?   Nothing good can come of this.

But if not me, who? Who will think of the Moe?

Where this is going, like I do not.

So. We waste no time on mind-bender, we're back with Kiva-Moe, who had a dream of being on a ship, which she shares with ARG, remember him?  The Android Revolutionary Guy?

And... sexah time.

Its worse than a Moe-shower.  I feel.... well. If you must know, I feel very much like I've had a Space Squid all up inside me. Its... very unpleasant.

Then we cut to White Moe in her... hmm.. moe-droid bedroom... who wakes up from 'the dream' she had of ARG-sexah-timez and... this episode is going to just piss me off, I just know it.

Sigh.

I liked ARG, remember?  Oh, I didn't trust his plans for Moe-droid, and I was right, but his heart was in the right place. Now? Now it needs to be outside his chest, dripping... um... nanite fluid?... all over my hand and onto the floor. While Shang Tsung (or a reasonable facsimile from earlier in the thread) growls "Fatality".

I could be wrong.

But even if I am wrong. Moe-Sexah-time.  So your argument about me being wrong is invalid.

ok, ok. I've fortified myself with Reece's Peanutbutter Cups, Ranier Cherries and Hard Cider. What? Oh! You think that's how I eat? Nonononono... no, you see there's this guy, um.. something Ram. Mola? Mota? Anyway. I taught him a few things and he taught me this ritual to fortify myself from corrupt Moe.  Great guy for parties, but a bit slow if you know what I mean. I'm just saying: If it takes you more than five seconds to tear a man's heart from his chest with your bare hands, you are doing it wrong, okay?   Now, like I said, he could party, but.. well.. he always claimed Corrupted Moe was the best Moe, so... you know. Keep him away from the children, right?  Hey! I didn't say I LIKED him. Besides, his freinds were a bit... well... touched.

Anyway; I'm fortified, so lets get this ON.

"So... was it a nice dream?"

Very long pause. "It was okay."

Yes, you bastard Fishmen, give me the good stuff right off the bat. It won't save you. One of you is going to get Murderhobo'd. That is inevitiable now, but enough of this and I might let that lesson stand alone.

Aaaaannnnddddd.... straight into Red-Moe vs White Moe?  Whoa now!  look, I CAN'T call off the Murderhobos. That's... not how this works.  

and The Kid just starts Moe-Slapping the everliving fuck out of GM's GF.  I can live with that.  
That was... brutal. Relentless and brutal. Go, Kid, GO!

So, a bit o' White Moe and Gun Guy, with a side of Nyx?  Eh, you can keep the side dish, the main course...well, its too damn early in the episode for it to be really up to snuff, but they are stacking on the Moe of it all, for sho.

And... lights! No, seriously: If you're epileptic, you just might wanna... I kid, its not that bad.

but seriously: Why would you be watching TV? That's like... asking for a seizure

Sword-Gurl? On the Raza? I smell another dream, which means... my moe is safe? No, no... don't get hopes up yet... breath, Pika, breath.... whoosaaahhh.....

Nailed it.  That is all.

So... GMGF's waking dream is winning in the creepy weirdo faction.  I mean, nothing will ever beat Moe-sexah-time for that, but then you are comparing Fuji-Sama to an office building. Its hardly fair to the office building, right?

I mean not even an appearance by Wil Wheaton himself could push her into the running, and I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen anyway.

And when the lights flash for Gun Guy?

"What now."

Oh yeah. Its on, brah!

Dying Girl!!!!!  

We have Dying Girl back!!!!

I mean: I thought his penchant for not wearing his comm peice was going to be plot point du jour, but this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better


Oh, fine. Yes, they bring Red-Moe to do Moe duties.  Me? I'm basking in Gun Guy and Dying Girl reunion. Now shush and let me savor this.  This is, this one scene, is almost GROPOS B5.  I mean: Nothing hits like GROPOS. I think it won ALL of the awards, even ones that had nothing to do with TV. I think it won like, pulitzers and even some obscure award from the long lost Indus River culture.

But this is close.

Yes. She was Evil.

Still worth it.

Dream-Moe is... well, that was balls out. I was expecting/hoping Gun Guy would twig, but Dream-Moe twigging is good.  

And the villain of tonight's Drama-Llama episode?  Red Moe. Calling it now.  I know, I know, its a long shot, but I'm confident.

Yeah. Knew this was coming.  Loner-Ninja-Badass, worried about his lost Mojo, is going to re-implant his Neural Imprint.  Calling it now, but really that's shooting babies in a barrel.

Anyway, Back to Dream-Moe and Dream-ARG, then back to Red-Moe pushing everyone into killing White Moe.

Which leads to Gun Guy stepping up to be the executioner, and he delivers the Gun Guy goods you know he would.  I mean: Predictable as hell, but entirely consistent with his character... IF, and only if, you were paying attention.

Because that is exactly how GG rolls.  LD was the double agent, but GG is the one who is not, in fact, at all what he seems.  Fucken beautiful, mang.

Do you need me to say Nailed It? Because I did. Red-Moe is the bad guy.  Boom. Headshot.

Anyway: Everyone flees the Raza for the Marauder, GMGF uses Cleavage armor to ignore poison gas to pull the Computer Core, and Dream-Moe watches... GNN and leaks Moe all over the beautiful scenery.

And... we get White Moe, who is somehow channelling opposed opposites of Badass Bitch and Peak Moe.  Oooh... that's... unstable.  Not a word spoken, not when you got aura like that. Words just get in the way.

Chills.  Yeah. You're gonna have to watch the ep. I refuse to cheapen White-Moe with clumsy words, you've got plenty for this from me as it is.

And the Cru, yes even that chucklehead Umlaut, know exactly what I mean.

Not.

A.

Word.


And yes, it totally closes out with that bastard... hmm.

Nope. he didn't say a word.
Debt.
Forgiven.


Monk, who has saved his Neural Imprint. So Nailed everything but the timing, but really... the only one who should fear her old memories anyway is GMGF.  Gun Guy with neural imprint or without is still Gun Guy, and Monk, well, he's being doing his best to be old-Monk for two whole seasons even without it, so?

So. Ep.  Previously On promises Monk story.  Also maybe Superior Weir appearances.

And: Market. Monk is warming up to the Cru, even Umlaut?  Well, shit. Twenty eps is a long time to hang out on the roof brooding silently I guess.  

Gun Guy and the Kid are at some market, and she scams him into having a sour... thing. Then, sigh, shenannigans with some guy fronting on Gun Guy to.. distract him from a pickpocket/purse snatcher on The Kid?

I am not buying this setup. This better be a Superior Weir ploy... it does smack of her brand of cutesy-twisty.

Anyway, the Kid is... uh... Kid-napped. But some random dude saw it, so Clues?


Holy Meta Batman! Gun Guy is calling for Kid. No, like, he's using my term for her. Not Five, not... um.. Emily?. Kid.

Right, so walk yourself through all the paces of what follows from there. Hey, I'm on a formula here, so feel free to do some of the light work, 'kay?

So... random Eye Witness gets the full force of Gun Guy on a mission while some rando girl sells out the rest of the crew to the GA. And Comms seem to be not-working. Also: kidnappers are apparently just that sort of local?  

Meh.  I mean: Gun Guy on Mission and personable Monk, so its not dead weight episode so far, but really?  

White Moe with Leather Daddy? I mean, its a good scene, right?  Good. We good? I'm good.

Oh, and yeah, Moe Knows. GA are locking down 'the station'... which in this case appears to be 'a planet'.  Fishmen gonna Fish, I guess?

Sweet Moses on Fire! Random Eyewitness noticed The Kid's Chest?  

Well, we know he's human, eh? Also: Yup, implying these 'Danker Brothers' are, in fact, Rapey.  So... swell confirm, bro. I'm guessing a good old fashioned ultraviolent Gun-Murdering will be happening very soon?

Hmm... word seems to have gotten 'round about Spike's First Ironclad Law of Dark Matter.  These Danker Brothers seem pretty intent on not doing any slapping, even after getting a spoon four inches in teh ear canal. So... they are obviously not human, then. Or they evolved from good old fashioned Kanedan Stock to not require any brains whatsoever?

So, Random Eyewitness WILL NOT be sticking around for Gun Guy to do his heroics, because... would you?  I mean< I would, but I'm a bit touched in the head.

Also: Chief Inspector Werewolf!

They... they Shaved Chief Inspector Werewolf?

That... that isn't right, man.


Huh. So... threatening an unconscious Kid with multiple gang rapes, cannibalism and organ harvesting, and finally flensing for jackets is... the same as slapping. Who knew?  

Make a note of that.

Well, according to Random Eyewitness there is still a Danker hanging 'round somewhere, so this subplot isn't entirely played out just yet.

Also good to know: Theraputic wakeup slaps are exempt.  

So... brilliant disguise given away by dat ass?  I report, you decide.

Ooooh... cliffhanger!  Can Gun Guy outdraw and outshoot Final Danker?  Well, I'm expecting lots of Drama Llama, so... I'm guessing he's wounded in the exchange?

So.... Superior Weir and Red-Moe have clearly corrupted White Moe with Badass Bitch.  This is a less welcome development than you might expect.  Well. I'm just going to have to take it, I guess. For now. At least until the Murderhobos return from their quest.

And... need I say it?  

Nailed It.

Gun Guy is, in fact, seriously wounded in the exchange with Final Danker.   That's just uncool. I would have accepted Leather Daddy outdrawing him during the Space Squid episode... we've seen LD do a fast draw, but this Final Danker bullshit?  

"Jeez! Disinfect it, don't get it DRUNK!"


Ok, so... I'm gonna say this scene of wounded Gun Guy and panicky-pensive Kid will be worth the Final Danker nonsense.    

Totally unnecessary Eyewitness Cameo to spoonfeed Chief Inspector the Danker Connection he just got from the shopkeeper.    So last time he showed up he just skipped over necessary information links to get right to the Cru (Umlaut, probably...) this time he needs everything twice?  Investigations and clues are not averaged across episodes, you know...

So the Cru (well, except for that commie bastard, Umlaut (Gratuitious Political insult provided redundantly free of charge!)) plan their rescue, and redirect to Danker Farm, where GG and the Kid are playing hide and go seek with Chief Inspector Werewolf.

Hey? Whaddya know? Chief Inspector Werewolf can track a falcon on a cloudy day!   Useful!

Sweet Baal-Moloch!  Did the ADR guy get possessed for a second? What the hell just happened to The Kid's voice?  

Great. The Kid's been possessed by one of the demons from the hell of being drowned alive in covfefe.

Oh. Back to normal? Did someone wake up the ADR guy?  Great, lets move on shall we?

And call back to... sigh... stolen bullets scene. The dumbest scene.  Well, Gun Guy is crushing it, if you ignore exactly where he was shot that is. I mean, he's utterly failing at playing a dude who had the top half of his heart blown off, but other than that minor problem.

So.

The GA is... jamming... heat signatures.  

Sigh.  This is what you get for giving TB talk to GMGF.  That's an awful lot like saying the GA is jamming your eyeballs.   I'm not going to science this bitch up, but... oooohhh... the temptation.

Anyway. Gun Guy, man. Right there in the gut. The cockles of the gut. Do guts have cockles? Well, yeah, I guess if Gun Guy can get you right there with them.  I'm not even going to mention how hard he is carrying the Kid through these scenes. Thats beneath me.  GG gets too much respect for me to diss like that.

And Chief Inspector Werewolf is a Magnificent Bastard. Still no sign of Superior Weir, sadly. I suspect she will not appear, but she's foxy.  Anyway, CIW is going for the jugular with legal threats against The Kid, but he's also promising to nail mega-corps to the wall... hmm... now Frau Potente seemed to be on that sort of track and look what happened to her?

Ok, so... Fishmen just gave The Kid a rocket launcher? Well... thats... exciting.

And... how big exactly was this boom?  Plot Big, that's how big. So... Gun Guy is rescued, he leaves Chief Inspector Werewolf (clone edition) alive to remember that Gun Guy totally dimed out the Corps, and Wexler, and the Kid looks absurdly pleased. Well, shooting rocket launchers is pretty fun, as I can attest. Long story...

Anywoo... rather than risk incriminating myself... we get more Kid-Gun Guy sour-fruit stuff, Leather Daddy convincing GMGF to go along with some weird space-cop idea he's got (because their galactic politics show as much understanding as their grasp of Planets...), and finally... finally, at long motherfucking last, Monk asking Moe to help him upload his memories.

And Credits.

Right. so we open on teh bridge of an Ishida ship as a random mook General mostly barks questions, doesn't like the answers, then barks orders, then suffers a maximally calculated badass demand to surrender to La Raza.  

Whew. Trying saying that ten times fast.

Anyway. Not-telenovela, complete with absolute nonsense finisher that Monk... has changed.

Excuse me, I seem to have damaged my sinuses trying to hold that snort of derision in.  

And... white-moe is like a junkie, lying about her addiction to hot chocolate?  Whatever man. I got Moe, so I'm square.

the vents are too cramped for The Kid?  Are we... going to acknowledge that she's got Chest, for reals now?  Hey! its my fave!!! Big Locked Door!!! Long time no see!

So, nice callback to teh Ishida Shuttle from the Prison, and it is very nice to FINALLY see La Raza kicking some ass.


Hey! Emperor Brother-San isn't a pushover! Nice! Well, I mean, it IS only five minutes into the episode, right?  Hey, I said I'd accept Emperor-Brother-San as a replacement for Sensei NPC-San, and I am a Pika of my word.  And actually there is some good, if not actually outstanding, acting going on between the brothers Ishida.

Anyway: We get a scene with Dowager Empress. Never liked her, continue not liking her.  She brings nothign but meh and more meh.

Scene with Gun Guy and Monk, which is good, then a better scene, a... meatier scene, with Monk and Leather Daddy.

What do you want me to say? Ok, ok. I almost caught Umlaut lurking in teh background spying on them. There.  

And everything was going so very smoothly! Why, Emperor-Brother-San didn't abdicate? His speech was co-opted by Dowager Empress of Meh?  Fine with all that, but... blowing up six cruisers... when you are losing a war...  sure. sure.  Derp while yer at it, Dowager Empress. Just Derp yourself right into Derpville.

And Mook General from the opening is trying to convince Monk to go to Zion. I mean Zairon. Slip of the tongue.

So. Monk and GMGF, then Gun Guy and Leather Daddy, then Monk and White-Moe... jeebus... I mean as long as you ignore the whole 'Emperor of Zairon' plot this is, like, the bestest episode ever.

No I mean. Monk actually makes up to White-Moe properly, now that he doesn't need to. He's dropping memories all over the place, seeding plot things, and clearly knows he's going off to die.  Well, damn. Now I'm almost tempted to feel guilty for stealing his Mojo, but Pika don't do guilt, so... whatevah.

And mainline Moe from Monk/Moe scene aftermath.   Yeah... going cold turkey after season 2 is gonna be a stone bitch.

Anyway: Drago is not the traitor, because Drago is dead. And Sword Gurl, at last makes her reappearance, for real this time. Monk is captured and brought for a live, televised trial.

Ooooh.... and this is going to go, how?

Well. Maximally Calculated Badass, OF COURSE!. I mean, it doesnt' do any good, but since when does that stop the traditional Loner-Ninja-Badass.

A touching if slightly hackneyed scene between Monk and Sword-Gurl, but well done for all of that.  Man, Monk really stepped up his acting game the last half of this season.

And, the obligatory rescue attempt. I suspect we had a reference to Creepy Pod People.

Oh hey! Right on schedule.  So, we have a twist coming, I'm sure.  

Someone PLEASE stick a sharp object in a soft part of Lead Creepy Pod Person? This is getting a bit silly...

Whiny Nyx?  Worst Nyx Yet.

And we get... Orgasmic River Tam from the Kid when she meets Emperor Brother-San while White Moe calmly levels half of Zairon. Well, duh. that's what you get for blowing up six fucking cruisers of your own fleet.  

Nice to know there were some aces in the hole, eh?

Gotta Admit: Liking the responsiveness of the Emperor's Guard. Emperor Brother San is knocking pins down like a champ...


And we get maximally calculated badass soundtrack as Loner-Ninja-Badass Monk casts aside his former self to be Emperor of Zairon.  Well.  That's going to play havoc with his acting schedule.

So. That happened.  He maximally badass murders (by Royal Guard Proxy) EveryGODDAMNBody. To include Emperor Brother San.  

Well. That was something he got from the Alt-Cru (Umlaut whispering in their ears), actually. That trusting Emperor Brother-San would be disasterous because reformer.

But Damn.

But I did get my wish regarding sharp pokey things in soft squishy creepy pod people parts, so... eh. It happens, right? A little fratricide never hurt no one.

So we begin with Superior Weir breifing some other Powerskirt about the upcoming peace conference that attentative viewers know is predetermined to be royally fucked. La Raza appears and Superior Weir makes perhaps a... poor judgement call? Time will tell.

Ok, so they're trying to drop truth bombs on Superior Weir but I guess the Seers and all that jazz are a bit hard to swallow, but they convince her to help out. I am... unconvinced. I like Superior Weir, but its not like I trust her, eh?

Also, 26 motherfucking eps in and I finally know how mikkei is spelled. Yeah, I'm disappointed to. I remember the first time I heard Weyland-Yutani. Felt about the same, now that I think about it.

Right, so Defended station Expo bombs, The Kid is going to be teh asset inside, so I assume we'll see a dolled up Kid in a few minutes.  Should be... discomfiting.

Chief Inspector Werewolf!  Well... this should be a real party!

White Moe just... moeing up the joint while they drag out the reveal of The Kid.  

and... I... hmm... nope, don't care. Whatever. Kid in disguise is meh.

Well, Moe-droid likes it, but then... moe-droid.

And... a wandering Mark Steyn appears!

Dafuq is wrong with your face????  Junior Ferrous exec, all flirty and junk with 'Cassandra', ie The Kid.  Who were those aliens on that terrible Star Trek movie where Doc Crusher played with her tits? Yeah, that one. I know, I know, you were trying to drink the pain away. We all were. Well, the aliens with the stretched out faces.  Yeah, kid looks... stretched out.  Also... Omnious music?

Oh, right. I forgot a scene earlier where Ninja-Badass-Emperor called Nyx to offer her an empress-ship while Sword-gurl eaves dropped.  Now Monk is here as the delegation from Zairon, so... he's still in the show!  

And... weird how everyone is acting. I guess a good round of throat slitting tends to unsettle people. No idea why.  Oh, and he sends rather obnoxious minions to Insist Kid speak with him.  

Stretchy Face to teh "rescue" and... he seems a bit superhuman to me.

Oh hey, he's an Android. How... hmm... how to phrase this. How Fortuitious? No... no... How Curious? Eh. Close enough.

How Curious.

Oh, and White-Moe finds Ferrous Corp's hidden shuttle. Bomb/no bomb?  Well, this episode isn't giving us much to work with yet. Stuff, yes, in abundance.

Gun Guy in a suit. Well, I mean GMGF in exactly teh sort of suit you'd expect me to predict she'd be wearing. Slit to here, cleavage to there, the line between player and character blurred to oblivion. Also LD in a suit, but c'mon, its not Hugo Boss, so we don't give a fuck.  

But Gun Guy in a suit. Suck on that, fools!

Anyone wanna guess the odds for Stretchy Face McAndroid to Be the Bomb?  

I'm... you know? I'm giving him even odds. Low, way too low, but what the heck, its the last episode for a while (er... Im pretty sure?), so I'm feeling soft hearted.

Ooooh... that's gotta sting. Based on the loosing vote for Ferrous and the way Steyn reacted... and more importantly the look he exchanged with his Android, I feel I'm going to have to double those odds in favor of Android-bomb.  

And we have GMGF meeting with Empere.... Monk, and Gun Guy wandering, but its LD who caught the eye of Chief Inspector Werewolf.  

This could be interesting. Very, very interesting.

I'm still watching Superior Weir, however.

I'm liking Emperor Monk. I mean he did up his game, or the directors finally let him off his leash, what have you. He's still trying to get the Blinky Drive, because it IS a significant military advantage, and he correctly points out a time limited one.

But Damn does GMGF oversell the advantage of mobility.  No, no... don't get me wrong: Mobility is a powerful weapon, perhaps one of teh most powerful (Get there First, Get there with More are the two prime components of beginning Stratageery, after all...), but... Mobility doesn't do so much once the guns are shooting, and contra her assertion here, it doesn't enslave shit.  

Anyway: Gun Guy and The Kid have a nosh, and I'm pretty sure she is thinking what I am thinking.  I'm not raising the odds for that, though. Misdirection is a thing, after all.

And Chief Inspector Werewolf is playing hardcase with Leather Daddy? Oh, honey... you are right up his alley. That's the wrong tack.  Well, try it your way.

And GMGF sees Emperor Monk acting suspiciously with a nervous Zairon Guard dude... well, heroic suicidal bombing might be a thing, sure. I mean, WHO ISN'T a suspect? Other than Chief Inspector Werewolf, I mean.

Oh, and Gun Guy gets ambushed by two big dudes with pipe wrenches that should look familiar to me, but I'm drawing a blank. Welp. He's dead. Pipe wrench beatings aren't tickling, you know.

Oh, hey. Its Steyn! Steyn's men with the Pipe Wrenches.  Well. I guess it was a pretty short beating, but still. Pipe Wrenches.  They are the mean older cousin to the Crowbar, and might I remind you what Gordon Freeman did with a crowbar? That's damn right, he stopped an alien invasion in its tracks.  But sure. Gun Guy can survive to do a scene with Steyn. Lets stir up the murk in this episode some more, shall we?

Welp. That bastard Monk just used a shutdown code on White Moe and is stealing the Blink Drive.  And one of his guys is in a restricted area and another has command of station security, so none of that looks good for Ishida as bombers.

On the other hand, Android McStretchy Face is beeping like a bomb, so things don't look good for Team Ferrous.

And what HAS Superior Weir been up to lately?

Well. Bomb Android was defeated by the power of love. And airlocks. I'd say mostly airlocks, but that's actually deeply unfair to poor stretchy-face, so mostly the power of love.

I'm sure, sigh, he's not the only one. I'm also reasonably sure Nyx, still on La Raza is about to get a dose of lethal force from Sword-Gurl.  Because Lady Boners are serious business, yo.

So. That was fast. Also.. If I recall Spike's Second Ironclad Law of Dark Matter, its that If You Are Holding The Knife, You Are Losing The Fight.

So. What if both fighters are holding a knife.  

Well, it was a shit law anyway, based on too limited a sample size. So, rescinded, provisionally.

Ladyboners. They'll kill ya.

Oh? Sword-Gurl was using poison on her dagger? Well. Ok. I mean, I DID predict a dose of lethal force for Nyx, didn't I?  I did. So... nailed it.


So. There is an Ishida bomb, as that bastard Monk kindly informs White Moe once he's away.  

And that leaves us with the absurdly obtuse Chief Inspector Werewolf. I mean... for fuck's sake he can track a falcon on a cloudy day, but he won't let delegates of the Mega-corps on the verge of war evacuate teh station because he... thinks it was all a ruse for his benefit, through Leather Daddy's Comm?

Oye.

Just. Fucking.Oye.

Welp, thats it. There is only one solution for that much stupidity. I'm off to sacrifice a large number of small children to Baal-Moloch for teh power to exorcise the demons of stupidity from this show.  Phil... you don't now him but he's the prince of insufficient light... taught me a great... yanno? Nevermind. I'll just grind my way through this the hard way.

One touch self destruct nuclear reactors. No big red button, no cookie.

Well. Goodbye Chief Inspector Werewolf. I would mourn your passing, but frankly the sheer stupid of that last conversation was more than enough to lose any and all good will you had from me.  You.are.Fired!

Wait.

Is that...

no way! Its Drunk Agent? Dues Ex Machina on Gun Guy? Well, I mean, he deserves a little Machina on Machina action after that pipe wrench thing, and getting shot in the heart the other day, and... well... most of the show's run, actually.

OHO!!!! Superior Weir's got The Kid!  Excitement!

Seriously, you fucking fail when you lock down all the potential bombing victims in a place where someone has already tried to bomb them. Double fail if they are all VIPs. Triple fucking fail if successful Bombing leads to all out galactic war.

Good riddance to Chief Inspector Werewolf, then. My god he was so fucking dumb.

Just.

Wow.

And... cliffhanger. Nobody's fate except White Moe is known with any certainty.  Gun Guy got Machina'd, sure. Kid got Superior Weir, which is both good and bad. But GMGF... got anti-machina'd. Not that she can die or anything. Cleavage, you know.

And that's it. That's a wrap. Stick a fork in it, donezo.  I mean, there IS another seaon out there, or so I've heard, but right now I'm fucking tapped.  I mean. CIW???? Really? That motherfucking....

Sigh.  


And Post.

Some cogent thoughts about the show thus far...

So I suspect they lighted up 'Ryu Ishida' as the second season went on mostly because they were firming up their plans and probably realized that stone badasses are pretty hard to forgive for Magnificent Bastardy.  This probably started when they got feedback for the murder of Akita-San, but they wisely took their time so it wouldn't be too abrupt. Probably took TOO MUCH time, actually, but that's only my take.

Doc, or SR2. Don't know if he's really dead or not.  THis could be an actor with other obligations (I know, Kaneda can't have that many shows going at once, right?), but I suspect that he was  pulled because they just didn't have time to serve up a new character with a tough backstory with Nyx and her arc, and Ryu with his arc getting fulfilled.

Android: While I'm generally ok with the way Evil-Red-Moe played out, I am reminded that I don't really want to see Android... or for that matter any robot/AI character in any show... trying to 'become human'.  When Data did it, it was fine, a relatively minor character arc in fiction, and unknown on TV (as I recall). Now... its everywhere. Be happy being what you are is something we could use more of with robots. That said, I'm fine with Android exploring her human connections.


I do appreciate the efforts to keep continuity in the show, which probably comes from having the same show creators for the entire run.   I do think they've done a decent job exploring technologies that exist in the setting, the military use of transfer clones for example.  Not enough, but more than most.

So. Season 3. THinking of pulling out le booze. I'm quitting le Covfefe today... though I'm cheating with a mexican coke. That is cheating right?  

Whatever. I figure I'll have a headache either way, so I might as well enjoy getting it, yo! So the question on my mind is: Mead? Monkey Shoulder? or Laphroiag?  Hmmm... questions.

So we start with everyone getting off the station. Two and Six get on teh shuttle in the middle of explosions and Two wants to go back for the others... yeah.  I'm sad they don't fly out of the the explosion like the ride of the valkyries, but maybe that's a bit too hackneyed?  So they're floating dead in space, because everything fails except the shuttle itself. Um... yeah? Bad GMing tricks for a thousand?  Its early yet... I'll hold off.

Meanwhile we get Five and Superior Weir more or less right on the Raza with White-Moe, who is providing her slightly astringent second rate quality Moe (Blue-Moe is superior still), we get a new power (another Mega) who is allying with Mekkei for this, but Ferrous Corp is right on the dot with blowing shit up. OOOHhhh... crisis!

And we get three handcuffed to a random spar with Drunk-Agent trying to fix a generator before desolate planet gets deadly cold. Also some sort of Terminator is POV coming to kill them.

Is it me or are Gun Guy and Drunk-Agent a bit too similar in attitude and temperment?  This is like adding a second helping of chocolate chips to your cookie dough. Maybe you get awesomely chippy cookies... maybe you get gooey sickly sweet chocolate mess.  Risky!

I think I'm going to pour two glasses. One of Monkey Shoulder, on of Laphroaig, so I can taste test 'em.

Oh, and the Kid uses Bubba to shoot Ferrous Corp boarders, while Superior Weir takes Lulu and Pip for a spin. I'd complain, but we ARE talking Superior Weir here.   But what have they left in teh tank for Moe-droid to shoot with? Is she going to go sword happy? I'm thinking she's going to go sword happy.

Nope. She's going to two fist assault rifles, out of a box, and blow smoke off the barrels. I was THIS close!

Oh, yeah: Back on the shuttle where everyone is mopey about Emperor Ninja being TEH EVAL!

Or, and see if you can follow me with this. That bastard Monk actually has a very good, and even arguably moral case for driving the Mega-Corps to war to protect his people.  From the beginning of the show we've seen that Mega-corps like Ferrous Corp treat people beneath them like chattel slaves, will commit atrocities whenever no one is looking and worse. His people are being overrun by Mega Backed enemies... what happens to the citizens of Zairon who live on conquered worlds? Why would we not believe the worst?

And really: who suffers most in an all out war between Megas? Would it be the Megas themselves, and their lapdog, the impotent and corrupt Galactic Authority (which is also unpopular enough to have inspired at least one ongoing terrorist uprising against them...)?  Who dies on Eos-7? Mega-Corp VIPs.

Where is Hellboy to deliver an immortal narration on the nature of war when we need him most?

Hmm... oxygen consumption calculation time? While I'm still sober? Sure, why not.

So a rough rule of thumb is 2 cubic feet of air (1 atmo) for 1 minute per person.  Let's give the Marauder 8 feet of ceiling, it can seat eight people with cargo, the back bay is reasonably spacious.  Let's say its interior length is twenty feet, which is definitely short, but I'm being lazy. Its also about five feet wide.  So we've got 8x5x20 cubic feet of air, or 800 cubic feet, or 400 man/minutes of air, or, for two people, a little over three hours.  So why do they only have 40 minutes?  CO2 perhaps? Scrubbing Dioxide is more important than fresh oxy, surprisingly, but still.  

OOOOooooohhhhhh....right. Drama. Tension! EXCITEMENT!

Or, possibly an excuse for GMGF to reveal just how dirty she got last night by surviving the unsurvivable in a questionably heroic moment? Also: I seriously shorted the volume of the interior, just saying.  Also saying: Hey, Leather Daddy fixed the Comms in less than fourty minutes, why not give him a chance to put life support back online?  Sweet jeebus these people need to die.

Wait. If they all die then how am I gonna Drinking Game this show??!!??  Damnit! Every question just leads to more questions!!!!

So Gun Guy and Drank-Agent have to fight off a flying motorcycle helmet, which is apparently pretty hard core, but also pretty stupid.  Which... well... yes, flying motorcycle helmets are known for that, I guess.

AND an entire season of this shit? Now we have Leather-Daddy AGAIN apologizing for turning cop? I mean: Dude watched footage of his Alt-Self getting blown away by Alt-Cru (Alt-Umlaut could not be reached for comment), and he STILL needs qualms about what he did and undid?  Sigh... getting old, mang. Find. new.schtick.

Oh, Great. Nyx is dead, so we get her hallucination version instead?  Just can't be rid of her, can we?

And next time on Lifetime, a very special episode about Survivor's Guilt! Stay tuned, kids, its uplifting AND fun.

Oohh... and dead Nyx lesbian erotica?   I mean, damn, that was some slow motion artistic kissing, yo.  In fact, that is drank worthy!

Also: Drank-Agent goes back to teh GA without Gun Guy, because they totally bonded over how similar they are. Its like looking in a mirror, only... not.

We get more Zairon politics, which is a good thing because that bastard Monk has been one of the more entertaining parts of this show for some time now, but the politics is sorta flat. We don't really care about sudden new characters and Plotz!

Then Superior Weir lays down a line in the sand, daring another Weir to take her title from her, when she Badass Bitch Moralizes to GMGF like the fucking Boss she is.

Moe-Droid in an apron, waiting for high praise for her cooking. 'nough said.

Then we have the sudden and very, very weird appearance of Dead Girl?  

And Credits?





Ok, ok... I get it. Dead Girl, especially when paired with Gun Guy, was just about the very best thing this show ever did, at least in the acting department. I mean, its more than a little Oscar-bait-Character-Study for a sci-fi show with a Moe-droid, so small doses and all that, but... dafuq?  

Da

Fuq

?

ok, so at least according to GMGF last ep, this season will at least start focus on killing that bastard Monk for stealing the Blinky Drive.  

Sigh.

Oh, right: and killing Nyx.  Silly me, how could I forget Nyx? She was so nice, and personable and not-cray-cray?


So lets talk a moment about the... ahem... morality of this.  


So, the Blinky Drive was either designed by, more more likely stolen by, Ferrous Corp and was being held for delivery by the Questionably Hot Powerskirt and her regular Corp. No doubt, some bad, bad people were involved in protecting this very clear strategic asset, this Stirrup if you'll allow me a classical reference from antiquity from becoming common knowledge until they could use it to win the upcoming Corp War they were planning to start (Eos-7).

And then some dumb The Kid stole a key component from a dude transporting it in his pocket like a cell phone. Well, dumber shit has happened in real life, so...

And THEN the Cru (even Umlaut, who probably hotwired the Transfer Pods for them) stole the drive itself.

Stole.

Now, as gets repeated in the opening 'what happened earlier' portion of most episodes since, is this idea that the Cru (Umlaut abstaining) are somehow morally obligated to keep this awesome new technology out of the hands of, well, everyone.  

Saying they wanted to keep it for themselves would be more honest.  

This shows a clear lack of moral clarity, never mind a simple understanding of how technology works.  Ferrous Corp and the Questionably Hot Powerskirt haven't LOST the Blinky Drive, they've merely lost they physical prototype, and presuming Ferrous stole it in teh first place, presumably the smart mofos who built it in teh first place.  But they know it is possible, they know a lot about the device itself, and they undoubtedly have shit tons of research on it. So really Ferrous Corp, the nomitive Big Bads of the setting (in fact the Corp Wars are apparently Ferrous Corp vs almost everyone else... no shit, straight from Superior Weir's mouth), having a game changer tech like the Blinky Drive means... Ferrous Corp wins.

Now, as the Blinky Drive has ZERO offensive uses... its about a deadly as a common wheel... its a morally neutral tech, serving all masters equally and relatively harmlessly.

Like the wheel, in fact. Or the Stirrup. Or heavier-than-air flight.  All useful, all changed the face of war in their own times, all having just as many civilian uses and values as military ones.

So NOT SHARING THE FUCKING WHEEL makes you a very, very bad person. Moresoe, it puts you defacto on the side of Ferrous Corp, which is... so far as Dark Matter is concerned... the Devil.

GMGF is a fucking bad person with no capacity for moral reasoning.  

There. I said it.

At least Gun Guy has an excuse. He's a merc, he's in it for the money.


That bastard Monk is actually the Good Guy in this senario, forget all the stuff last Ep about patriotism and saving his people. The solution to the 'problem' of the Blinky Drive is sharing it, far and wide. He doesn't care if hte Raza has the drive itself, he wants to reverse engineer it. And yes, to get an advantage over his enemies... which undoubtely includes Ferrous Corp.

you know: THe Devil?

Sigh.

Anyway the ep begins with The Kid doing her memory schtick, where a Kid-Four reveals way too much secret government information to his teacher to be quite real.

Then we get sword-gurl being random-psycho in a conversation with said teacher, real time.  Like, really really random. And psycho.  We're going that way with her, are we?

So. The Plan.  The Blinky Drive is in some hidden radiation nebula (shield problems, SHOT CLOCK!), the Raza.... FTLs in and starts shooting, then demands teh Blinky Drive back via comms.

You know Gun Guy plays Shadowrun, because he just sits their on the bridge swallowing his tongue the whole time.  

Me too, buddy, me too.

Drink, in fact!

Eh. Then when GMGF storms off when he starts talking about.... ahem... the plan, The Kid of all people wants to know how they'll get the doors open.

As if the Raza has not, in fact, been boarded several times by now by crews of dudes using some sort of unlocking device to get through locked doors. You may have seen it, a blue or red spiral of lights that changes colors?  Remind you of anything? No? Well, I'm sure teh Raza has a fucking pile of the damn things taken from all the assholes who have made a mockery of locked doors on board the Raza. So...

Next scene is Emperor Ninja himself on board the station, so we know there is a transfer pod. And... sigh, some fat scientist claims tehy don't have the manpower to defend the station. Um. Transfer Pods? You have them for REASONS. I'm guessing you aren't using them for beach vacations, right?  Bring in fucking space samurai, dumbfuck!

I was going to comment on dumb defenders, but explody door renders all tactics moot.  Guessing the Raza are using stun-guns looted from... was it the seers? I think it was the Seers.  Who knew the Seers were also the Sears?

Drink for looted guns!

Also: Clone Emperor wants to blinky drive the station to Zairon. Damn, he's good.  I mean, assuming the station has an FTL drive to hook it up to, right? The Fishmen DO remember that the Blinky Drive is a an aftermarket mod for FTL drives, right?

No?

Ok.

oooohhh... trapped in a jump bubble? Noice!

And Moe-droid and The Kid on the Raza... to the rescue?

The Good Guys are going to lose this one, I just know it.  Sigh.

Oh, but DRAMA... The Kid is having Memory Flashbacks? Can't get enough of those, can we? I sure can... 't.

THey musta got new Fishmen to replace the ones I murderhobo'd last season.  Hmm. I mean, they were pretty damn good about continuity and call backs and stuff, but this flashback... one of her own memories... and The Kid isn't just living the flashback. That's... not how the memory flashbacks work, man! THey are... get this... Memories. You can't interact with them, just experience them. Sorta like... real memories.

Do I like it that fat-scientist-dude actually explains HOW he knows the jump-bubble is shrinking? I do. I do like.

So there is some back and forth, Clone-Ninja gets shot, Moe-droid gets to tell that bastard Monk how he killed Nyx, which seems like fitting payback for his shutting her down before, even though he's innocent, I tells ya! INNOCENT!!!

Then the bastard love child of my favorite human chipmunk from the Lost In Space Movie and Fairuza Balk shows up in yet another Kid flashback to take her from her promising future as a real person, and back into the theft and graft of the mean streets. I just love how the key selling point seems to be Air Vents.  Good, good.  Way to play the temptress, Chip-Balk.

Also there is some weird stuff about the old guy in the flashbacks talking to the GA.  Weird, man. Weird. I mean... as far as we know, pre-dark matter (and for that matter POST-Dark Matter) Kid doesn't actually have any interesting secrets to hide, and she seemed stoked to go to Space College, so...  its a weird, weird setup, is what I'm sayin'.

So on teh incredible shrinking space station the scientist lady has murdered Fat-Scientist and stolen the blinky drive. So... her plan is to... save Zairon by suicide by jump-bubble I guess?  I'm thinking she hasn't gamed this out, but that's ok, she's still about five jumps ahead of GMGF on this. Anyway, they (who have guns, possibly stun guns) try to stop her by shouting 'hey'.

Sigh. Really? Does that EVER work?

And yup, she seems to have some dumb idea that the Emperor-Ninja would prefer NO Blinky drive rather than the Raza having it.  Hmm... maybe they shouldn't have shot Clone-Emperor? He'd probably have done it himself at that point.

And Gun Guy just shoots her. He's my Bae.

Ugh.

So. The Kid's flashbacks are wiping her mind and the only cure is amnesia.  Ok. Sure, whatever. Sounds dumb as a bag of hammers, but Kanedans, right?

So trapped in her final flashback (its like a Final Boss, or maybe a Final Girl, but somehow lamer), her memory/dream self learns she had a sister she previously knew nothing about.

Oh, god, its almost as stupid as Chief Inspector Werewolf trapping all the VIPs on Eos-7 because of a bomb threat.  I mean: That's damn hard to top, but fuck me if this show isn't trying!

Also... sigh... I just knew that bastard Monk wasn't going to kill sword-gurl. Sigh.  She doesn't even manage to babble some badass morality, like Superior Weir dropping fucking bombs. I mean, she tries, but it's hollow and weak, not even self justifying.  

Meh. And Fegh. I like Sword-gurl less and less every ep she's in.

New ep..

GA is at war with Ferrous Corp? Oh My!  

oh, nevermind. Its Tralgot Corp. You know: They of the Alderaan Bomb?

Also: Shooting a nuke in the air does not result in a criticality event. Or a Supercriticality event. Or, for the laypersons among us (SNAP!) a boom.  It might, however, spread highly toxic radioactive dust over a large portion of your planet surface.  Hopefully no one lives there.   Good Job, Raza, you gave them a slow death from plutonium poisoning and cancer instead of being flash fried by atomic fire.   Also: Alderaan bomb.

Also also:  Does anyone understand the logistics of a space war?  No?  Do I need to lay it out in small details? Unless Ferrous Corp is simply trying to wipe out all human life not part of Ferrous Corp (and from an economic standpoint, does that really make sense) than showing up and dropping random nukes is only good for a pretty pretty light show. From a military standpoint its the sort of thing you do when you are RETREATING. Scorched Earth... its for the losers, not the winners. Trust fucking Kanedan Fishmen to get that fucking backwards.

Also Also ALSO:  If you've got a real refugee crisis on your hands, the last thing you do is turn away people looking to aliviate that problem, even if only by one fucking refugee. And if the people looking to remove a refugee are people like the Raza, you probably don't want their friends in your refugee camp making problems, do you? DO YOU????

So, point in fact, they don't pick up Stargate Autism Guy (SAG? Hmm... I think I can call him that...), that actor apparently declined the invitation to do another show or something, so they've got his... apprentice, and teh Refugees (or the Fugee's?) really like the Cru (Who EVEN CALL THEMSELVES THAT!!!!)... wait? Is the bearded kid Umlaut? That little shit!

I'm waiting for Gun Guy to call himself Gun Guy. That would be a real feather in my cap. Not as awesome as Leather Daddy self referencing, but I'll take what I can get.

So, I was all set to make a Fightan Practice reference when I realized that.. nope, Emperor Ninja no longer does Fightan Practice, he makes OTHER PEOPLE do Fightan Practice for him. That is how you roll when you're an Emperor! OF COURSE!

also, I'm not really drinking. All that stuff earlier? I just wanted to show off my collection.  Jelly? You should be, I drink excellent stuff.

oh, and despite the whole Nyx misunderstanding thing, apparently he's ready to try and teach GMGF a thing or two about BLinky drive ethics. I hope he's been working on his blowjob skills, because his cleavage ain't up to the task. Remember I saw him topless already, so I know whereof I speak.

Eh, post for no reason.

Right, right. Lets talk politics, shall we?

No, no... that's for the Punditry area. I'm talking in a far more general sense.

See: One of the many elements that made Babylon 5, and to a lesser extent its ripoff cousin Deep Space 9, such an excellent show was that even if you knew little to nothing of the setting (as you wouldn't, not being a local), you could follow the politics, you were, in fact, vested in the politics of the show in a real way.  Why? Because they were well thought out, generally (if not always) well presented, and for the most part they either made f'ing sense, or if they didn't (Because, Aliens), we shared that confusion with the characters.

So, lets set up this ep's drama-llama.

Fake SAG came to a Tralgot industrial world as a refugee and has found his economic niche as a future union rep for the locals.  The locals are generally upset with Tralgot, in the person of the guards, over low pay and dangerous conditions.  So they want to hire the Raza to help them revolt by attacking the guards with their shuttle.

I'm sure you missed the underpants gnomes in there, because on the surface it seems fairly reasonable.   Did I mention this nascent revolt has been brewing for... two... whole...weeks?  I KNOW! RIGHT?!

Mind you that Tralgot is involved in a war for survival against Ferrous Corp, who hardly seems to need the Blinky Drive to straight nuke-murder everyone.  

Eh.

You know what? I got no energy to lay this all out. If you don't see issues, enjoy the episode.  Why not? I mean: Discount Angelina Jolie is in it!

In fact, I'm going to turn my brain off, because actually untangling this ball of dumb will take more labor than I am prepared to enact.

Oh, right: what's going on, fer the rubes...

Provided my touchpad lets me actually write this section.  Seriously, I'm going to find the makers of this laptop (lenovo) and murderhobo them!  then I'm going to murderhobo the laptop itself. not just mine, but the very concept of Laptop-with-touchpad.  that's right, if I'm successful it will be as if no laptops were ever made with touchpads, and there could never would be any laptops with touchpads. I will remake all of reality to have my revenge!!!!  Tell them Umlaut sent you!!!!

uh.

Oh, right, recap.

So. Zeds ded. Well, Zen, the Central Casting Worker Hero, blowed up right after the Cru (see above Umlaut Joke for your daily fix) refuse to bomb the Guard station that is apparently the ONLY Tralgot presence on world.   Leather Daddy makes a buddy in the head guard negotiating a peaceful removal, adn of course the young hothead worker sniper-murders head guard, so now its war between the two sides, with LD trapped in the middle.

But Replacment SAG makes a joke about The Kid, so life is good.

Also: Moe-droid found a secret data vault on the ship, which means more infighting over whodunit is coming... which is weird since they've got at least a year of amnesia time that anyone could have done it in, but whatever.

Only Moe-droid can make staring blankly at the camera look exciting. The Power of Moe compels you.

And I'm sorta digging Replacement SAG.

ALSO, while not quite a 'Gun Guy' callout, Gun Guy does, in fact, get called "This Guy". Halvsies!

Moar Dead-girl????

Oh, I'ma post so I can enjoy this. Moe-droid vs Dead Girl in Cyberspace!

Denied!!!!

Also: GMGF almost gets Leather Daddy killed because Hot Head.  Also: Why would a body guard go on an op to prove herself to her boss? Her primary skill set should be 'don't let the boss get shot', which is surprisingly ha rd to do from a few miles down the road in a potential firefight. Don't ask me how I know that, m'kay?  Lets just say the REAL Putin would be pretty mad at me if he still had the capacity to feel human emotion and leave it at that.

Anyway: Fake Bomb Scare. Then we learn of two OTHER crew members of the Raza (The Original Crew, for the record, is Marcus Boone (Gun Guy), Ryu (that bastard Monk), and Jasper and Shrike. I rather suspect that we weren't supposed to remember that Griffin Jones (aka: Leather Daddy) stole teh Raza from teh GA way back in, like, Ep 4?  I mean, they didn't NAME it...  whatevah.

And SHOCKER we learn that Young Hothead Worker is, in fact, some sort of plant. I KNOW!!! RIGHT???!!

Really: there's an entire city thing here, at least two or three story buildings, which implies one hell of a lot of workers... and we've seen, max, a dozen or so guards.  

Oh, please, please tell me Young Hothead Worker is workign for Ferrous Corp? I mean that would be the cherry topping on this shit sundae of stupid.

Green Laser Dots.... soooooooo much more Space Tech than Red Laser Dots, amirite?!

Oh, also, Hothead Second Guard is annoying and stupid, so I won't mind if he gets shot.  Wait: Some of the guards are putting down their weapons right at the feet of their now former 'prisoner' workers?  I... sigh. sure. get it over with. YHW is going to grab a gun, try to, or successfully shot a guard and get killed by the raza... lets see it.

Did Not Nail It.  

Shocked, I know.  He goes for a gun and Leather-Daddy draws down on him, stopping him without further violence.  Its like... its like this was filmed in Kaneda or some shit!

Oh, hey!  Its Discount Michael Ironsides! You remember, right? The General?  Soooo... that's who YHW was working for?   Well.

Anyway: Moe-droid and Dead Girl, second Tease.  C'mon, you wankers, give me a fucking scene already!  

Oh, hey! Leather-Daddy straight domeshots Discount Michael Ironsides.  I don't see a Transfer Clone burnup, but I also don't see the body, and LD looks shockingly all broken up. Seriously? Man, that was awesome. Took you about twenty damn seconds too long, never mind a whole extra scene, but... yup. Domeshot.

Well, with the loss of Serious Roleplayer (and SR2, too early) LD's been jonsing for a piece for a whole season now, so I guess Discount Angie gets a little Leather Love.  Honestly? I'm not sad to see him go. For a while he was the best player on the team, the best actor on the show, but his 'thing' got pretty one note by the end of season 2, and some of the others began stepping up (some earlier than others) and have, well, outgrown him.  And I'm sure he'll be back at some point, maybe even next ep.

And... are they replacing him with TWO characters? A beardy little white dude (who seriously could probably be SR3, though more of a joke gamer than a serious roleplayer) and a badass black chick (who is also subbing for Nyx?)

I mean: thats sorta how it reads, and I'm fine with it. I mean: someone needs to look up the manual of bodyguarding for some pointers, but other than that...

THEY ARE!!!

And SR3 is... The Kid's Puppy?

Um... ok? But I don't think you want him potty trained in the vents. Think of accidents, air flow... things...

Ah. So. Technobabble explanations for Dead Girl, and Gun Guy without a single word of Dialog just owns the scene.   See? SEE? This is why LD's faux deep dialog got tedious after a while.   Read a philosophy manual out loud a few more times, meanwhile over in this scene...

And we end with Emperor-Ninja doing his Best Darth Vader with a bunch of bounty hunters.  Meh. Darth did it better, but that sorta goes without saying, amirite?

Oh, hey! Calling it now: Groundhog Day, with Gun Guy playing the Groundhog!

Er, I mean... playing Bill Murray. You know, honestly, I'd bet on him holding his own with Murray. I think Murray's got the rep in part because he brings distinctive to the table. Gun Guy is unfortunately rather generic (as seen with Drank-Agent), despite having chops.

Nailed It!

Ok, that was too easy.  WHY and HOW and... hmm... well those two are enough... those are the difficult questions to answer.  I'm betting its Ferrous Corps fault. No. Red-Moe! NO!!! DEAD GIRL!!!! WOOT!!!!

Anyway: Gun Guy vs Moe-Droid in a Moe-off!  These two don't get enough to do against one another, really.   Actually, this episode is chock full of it, so GO ME!

Yes, I win, from time to time.

Against whom? Well, does it matter? I get Gun Guy vs Moe-Droid all up in this episode, so THERE! Take that, ya pikers!

Oh, right, what's going on?

Groundhog Day. With Gun Guy.   Presumably until he finds out he's a jerk, learns piano and finds love, and maybe kills a few fur bearing subterranian mammals along the way in bizzare suicide rituals.

No? Well... this is still pretty good, but what do you really want me to comment on?

Ok, so replace piano lessons with learning French? Sure, we'll go with that.

Which leads to an awesome moment with Moe-droid playing ukelale while Gun Guy does his best beatnik impersonation while singing in french.  

Which is now my new screensaver. Or would be if I were remotely technically proficient. I lie. I once turned a B-movie Alyssa Milano threesome (er, Menage a trois, french, you know), into a screen saver. It was awesome.  

So, the only way Gun Guy can Technobabble is in French? I'm surprisingly cool with that.

So, the only way out is for Gun Guy to learn French and Find Love with Digital Dead Girl, and survive Ishida-Vader's bounty hunters?

Hhmm...

Sure, sounds like a plan.

Oh... oh god! Now Gun Guy and Kid's Puppy are stuck in Groundhog Day?  

Oh, this ep!

Oh... Walk through walls Merc is stuck in the time loop too?  

So... Choking out The Kid results in an immediate face kicking?  This Kid's got protection!

OOooohhhh! Now the Merc is frozen in Carbonite!  That's what you get for trying to outrun bullets, motherfucker!

So. Mindtrip time. Got it. Also... another merc?  This one with some sort of mind bending power? For a sci-fi universe, there sure are a lot of super powered mercs wandering around...

Ok, its was a Moe-Mindtrip.

Oooohhh.. not another Merc, its Moe-Merc?

So? Final Time-loop? Future Moe-Merc meets Old The Kid, who drops cryptic plot bombs all over the place, including (TWO!!!) references to Android's creator.

Sigh.

Android is, sigh, a Class 3 Service Droid, a fairly standard example of the breed. GMGF/Two and The Kid/Five sometime in the year prior to Amnesia Event hack upgraded her with a form of emotional emulator, possibly due to the fact that Service Androids are clearly industrial workers, and not terribly personable.. and because GMGF/Two is practically and Android herself, and probably got a bit lonely. Later she was given an illegal Upgrade by Victor, probably taken from a Covert Ops Android.

There is no reason to believe any great mystery surrounds Android, so I am pre-emptively calling bullshit on that plot thread right here and now.   Capisce?

I'd say it's a bit anticlimactic, but since Moe-droid rips the guts out of the time-clock (oooh... that's a good name for a temporal loop device, right??? Right?!), adn then we get more Digital Dead Girl... well...  I'm just cruisin' on good feelz here, mang!

And we end on Emperor-Ninja talking to a weird guy in a chair with glowy tubes? Maybe the Seer, rendered more tractible after his sword murder? That's a long shot.

Really this conflict between Ishida and the Raza feels really forced, but I've done a lot of typing on that already, so...

So, new Ep.

And, sigh, teh Bodyguard really IS a monk (monkette? Monkess?). In addition to being special forces adn a bunch of other over the top species of badass that I'm not rewinding just to catch for this.

Also: More SAG plot I guess. They're really milking him not appearing this season, aren't they?

Oh, I was going to complain about backstory bombing, but since there is a shoutout for idiot pacificism I guess I'll let it slide.  

Also... her backstory reads like a bad D&D story, not a Sci-fi story. Bandits broke into a monastery full of badass martial arts pacifists to steal valuable manuscripts, killing everyone because they wouldn't fight even to defend themselves?

Except, you know, her, because she was out at the time, and also not-a-pacifist. Like a sensible kung fu badass.

"... I tracked the bandits back into the woods, waited until nightfall and slit all of their throats while they were sleeping."

Um.

Sci-Fi.

This is sci-fi. Bandits in the woods?

Not Sci-Fi.

Slitting throats? We can work with that, but silenced pistols are good too, better maybe.

Whatever, D&D reject.


Anyway Kid's Puppy calls SAG's safehouse and gets some girl tied to a chair he clearly has a relationship with... which? Eh.  Also some really, really bad actor who I think is talking like a pirate, but it might be Aussie?   Its hard to tell, he's so laughably bad.

And... his name is Gorn?

I mean, the real Gorn just called me, protesting this slur on his acting ability.  What? We go back a ways. Drinking buddies.  Did he ever tell you about the time some asshole whipped up a poncy gun out of bamboo and rocks and shot him?  Second worst day of his life, he said. The worst was seeing this mook slurring his good name.

Anyway. The war continues to go badly for Zairon, and I honestly feel bad for Emperor-Ninja here.  I mean, I feel even worse since Old The Kid said something about the Fall of House Ishida in her cryptic not-prophesy, and honestly I think those morally bankrupt Kanedans are trying to make him the bad-guy for some reason.  I mean: he did try to talk the Cru down, until Umlaut whispered in Gun Guy's ear to shoot him in teh face aboard the research station.

Also apparently scuttlign massive city sized space stations is a thing the mega-corps are doing now. I mean, sure.  Say: The germans are trying to take Paris, quick lets bomb it into teh stone age first! WIN!

So, disguising The Kid is a thing now?  Ok, sure, whatever.   Also: Making Monkette Smile is not as amusing or sexah-weird as Wednesday Addams smiling.  Look, she's a convincing amazon, so lets just keep her in that box until she proves she can act, m'kay?

So, a mission to loot SAGs datavault fails miserably, and we get... Kiva-Moe, looking FABULOUS in a pink fur wrap and, I think, rocking a southern belle accent?

Hey, I'm all for Fabulous Moe, but you know how I feel about Kiva.   This is complicated stuff here...

Beautiful baby browns?

Gah!

Fish men!

Look. For brown eyes the proper compliment is Doe eyes, bringing to mind the beauty and grace of Bambi's Mom, as well as emphasizing a certain Neonatal eye-size.   Babies, as a general rule, do not have brown eyes, they have blue eyes until the pigment sets, which is why we refer to Baby-Blues, referencing a very specific luminous blueness of the eyes, as well as, perhaps a more extreme neonatal reference.  

Mixing the two willy nilly, despite alliteration, just... it fucking hurts me, man! I'm in pain here.

Eh. I think the Southron is laid on a bit too thick, and I really could do without the cliche drop character, say badass (ish) line and Hello Floor.  But, well, I'm still trying to work out Kiva-moe and Fabulous, so you're on your own with this one.

And... they are lampshading how often Kid gets captured AND the fact that pretending to be sick only works now for Michael Madsen in Uwe Boll films. I mean, he just OWNS that delievery for all time now.



Anyway... where was I?

Oh, yes. Goose Chase. So Im sorry Mario-Raza, but your PRincess-File in in another Castle-planet!

And... yes, the Cru, under Umlaut's sorry guidance, pretty much do suck at shadowrun ops. Luckily, Gun Guy is unusually competent at these sorts of jobs, and he didnt go with them, so he can do the rescue.

Dollars to donuts that this Ambrosia chick (the one in the chair with... ugh.. Gorn) is working with... Gorn. Fake Gorn, obviously.

Yanno? Defense Droid does bring a bit of masculine flavor Moe. Not my bag, but its there. Also, he makes me think of Michael Jackson, Thriller Years.  Henseforth MJTY.

And... Kiva Droid's (no moe here) plan appears to be... slipping a/the Emotion Chip into MJTY?  That seems... well, I guess it could work but excessive? Just shoot him and be, like, merciful and junk.

Also: Chair Chick? Nailed It.  

Anyway, she also kills Gorn, not surprised.   Like, apparently brokering mercs is seriously dog eat dog. Whatevah.


Eh, so the mcguffin Ferrous Corp Super-fleet is already on the move, and if the timing of scenes is to be believed, they are definitely attacking Zairon, if not the world itself, then the empire.

And remember way back when I pointed out that destroying six cruisers as a show of political force, in the middle of a war going badly, was seriously dumb?

Well, a horrific ambush for Zairon was the loss of nine cruisers, a truly disasterous battle... hey, wait? Six isn't much less than nine. Way to OWN GOAL, Dowager Empress! Sigh.

Seriously, if the writers didn't hate him, Emperor Ninja would probably be doing pretty good for Zairon right about now, honestly.

Its the Return of Mark Steyn!

So apparently Ferrous Corp believes they are winning in only six months, but are suddenly upset by the independent colonies.

At some point I have to wonder if the writers have any grasp of geo-politics? I mean they throw the rare nod to logistics, but only in passing, the way you might nod at a hooker you once... I mean, um... a casual business acquaintance?

Whatever, so long as they make Drama-Llamas, the setting don't need to make sense, yo?

Rrrriiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhtttttt.

So, last ep for now.

So, Emperor Ninja has the 'clansmen' of his would be assassin rounded up and subjected to star courts?  More on that in a second, but cunning reveal, somehow GMGF and Gun Guy are mixed up in the roundup?

I mean: clever reveal and all, but it makes no sense.  I know, I know, I've been withholding the OF COURSE!!! For this season, and this was a moment that called for it.  But my heart, she'sa not into it no more.

Anyway: Emperor-Ninja. Look: Emperor-Daddy was clearly not the brightest bulb when it came to Emperorship, which is why our Loner-Ninja-Badass was such a badass, and is not doing so well at rulership. Too much sword training, not enough leadership training.  Then you have the royal guards run by a psychotic bitch who doesn't follow orders, and you got New-Sensei-San, who perhaps was imprisoned for actually being not a military trainer of some sort.   So, Emperor-Ninja is attempting to implement Machiavelli's THe Prince, but he's not very good at it. On the one hand he has purely military pragmatism, divorced from any semblance of humanity or decency, and other hand he has the guy who is convinced that Emperor-Ninja should be loved.

What he's lacking is a ruthless, skilled pragmatist, a Left Hand, a Spymaster. Probably doesn't trust that sort, and sure... they're inherently untrustworthy... but oddly few Spymasters in history ever took over. Wonder why?  Well, aside from being tempermentally unsuitable to leadership, they also tend to avoid the spotlight, if only because it makes them better targets... so he actually had little to fear there.

See, he can't solve the problem of the assassin without a Left Hand, who is skilled at unravelling plots, and he can't keep doing the dirty work himself... the Left Hand also keeps the Emperor's Hand clean, if you will.

Its not his fault... I mean, the writers surely do hate him, but his advisors are shit, so his politics wind up being shit.  Ironically, Gun Guy, for all his faults, would be a decent (if not perfect) Left Hand. I mean... he's probably not the sharpest spymaster ever created, but his ability to cut through bullshit with ruthless pragmatism, and his general skill at dirty deeds would at least keep him in the running as acceptable.

And CLEARLY the Emperor-Ninja has at least one traitor in his midst, though whom is the question.

I think its his seat cushion, and my record speaks for itself.

What is it with people asking to prove themselves by kicking random ass? Or just asking to kick random ass? I mean: one character, or every now and again, but damn if this show doesn't bring all sorts of antisocial assholes with every third episode.

Right: So they're going to take the ship and free these people to join the outer colonies, and random sidekick chick feels the need to ask to beat GMGFs ass (well.... no comment) to prove she's capable. There. I told you, happy now?

You know... if i ever work in any sort of prison guarding capacity, ever, I'm just going to let prisoners fucking beat each other to death.  I may even record it and put it on the youtubes.  Just saying.

Oh... lookalikes? We have an Evil Twin episode?  I thought they were a little too eager to shoot the Ishida guards in teh face.  Still. Prison Guard. Prison Fights. Entertainment, not an excuse to get involved, ya feel me?  I'm sure ya feel me.

They call Superior Weir, to talk business, then we get teh entire Alt-Cru, except for Umlaut, they left that asshole in the other universe.

Great drama and all that, but really?

I mean think a bit on it.  One day a bunch of alt-universe Yous show up and generally find themselves uncomfortable in your world. They aren't any better than you, cooler than you, or richer than you... in fact you might even think they are a bit inferior to you, soft in the head or something.

What's your first thought? Hitch a ride back to their Alt-world so YOU can be the uncomfortable outsider?  

Sure. Sure.

Well, we got Alt-Blue-Moe, and I can stare at Alt-Incest-Twin's ass, so there's that.  

Nope. Still not seeing it.

But you knew it was going to happen. They got a guy named Wexler on their team, after all...

Anyway. New-Sensei-San. On some level I gotta wonder if he's just super ghey for Emperor-Ninja. Surely he's got sound advice to offer, but he's so interested in... ahem... serving Emperor Ninja (he did spend three years in a prison cell because his personal loyalty, yadda yadda... AND he was young Emperor-Ninja's teacher... if you know what I mean adn I think you do...).

Maybe he's just slightly stupid? Not enough to be obvious about it, but enough that... well... he's got nothing more than superficial platitudes and banal, often useless, observations?

you know which theory I'm going with.... oh, you know... you know you know.

Oh, please god tell me that the Mikkei Combine Guy is being deliberately incompetent when he yells at his men about getting them all killed, right after explaining that they don't want to know what is in the cargo.  

I mean: Superior Weir is, well, Superior. And tricky. Remember the prison escape she engineered, rather than expend political capital getting the Cru (complete with Umlaut) out of prison?

Anyway: That didn't take long as the Alt-Cru (minus you know who) apparently betrayed Superior Weir right out the gate, and despite KNOWING about hitchhiking Alt-Universe people, no one says boo.  Sigh. Oh, and Superior Weir is upset with the Raza now.  

So, Kid's Puppy sets up the Alt-Cru (Umlaut should have seen the trap coming), and in a strange scene he reveals that he hoped his alt-self was... a concert pianist.

No, this is good stuff.  What's weird is everyone else's reaction, scoffing at him.  Dafuq? Man had hopes and dreams of a life that didn't involve scams, lies, double deals and getting shot at... dreams of being an artist... and you scoff like he's doom to be a git in every life?

Harsh, man. Real harsh.  Uncalled for harsh.  Are we sure we have the right Raza?

So. Alt-Wexler, who is really the Only Wexler (and always was. I mean: How many Wexlers can a multiverse sustain? Don't answer that...) comes alone, expecting backup, and Monkette just pimp slaps him silly.  But the magic is when GMGF reveals that Kid's Puppy's Gun doesn't have any bullets in it.  Heartbreak, I tell ya.

Then... A Gun Guy gets shot by A GMGF, and I think we are supposed to be confused which is which. Still... stun gun, and Gun Guy was lookign alt-rough.

But, its early in the ep, so probably not a fake out.

Not a fake out, we get the regular GMGF walking through the woods, adn I still rather like Wexler.  Of course, I'd rather have the blonde, but whatevah.  I mean: whats not to like about a guy who looks up how the Alt-version of himself dies, and thinks its neat.

Moe-droid.  Heh.  Right on it like spit on a sidewalk.   Also: Alt-GMGF thinking Moe-droid has a glass jaw. Seriously?

Oooohhh... tricky. Captured Gun Guy is Alt-Gun Guy, while REAL Gun Guy is prisoner of Alt-Incest Twin on the Ishida Cruiser?

Epic twist yo.  I had warning, but I ignored it, and now my record for predictions is trashed... just like the rep of teh Raza.  So sad.  Moe sad, really, but its hard to feel anything with double dose Moe going on.

Double Twist! Alt-Gun Guy is falling for trapped bridge trick!  Oh, I see. Rather than baffle us with Who's On First, they're doing the 'how many knives can fit in your back' game. Got it.  Should be fun!

And The Kid shoots Alt-Gun Guy, with played cliche badass line.  

Perspective is weird, man. Suddenly it looks like the Raza is supermassive compared to the Ishida Cruiser.  Like Super-Star Destroyer vs Corellian Cruiser.  Fix ya damn camera angles, ya gits!

Alt Blue Moe, but really, that was to be expected.  Now, if she killed Alt-Incest Twin, well, that's probably unacceptable from a canon point of view, but stunned is cool. Me? Well, I've made my Alt Incest Twin feelings known before.  

Moe Vs Moe... OH MY!! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yicbvWwQ_MA)!

Then Superior Weir and REAL GMGF get to exchange Eyebrow lifts.

What? Kid's Puppy is leaving? And taking Monkette with him? Um.. ok?  I mean, its cool that The Kid gets a scene where she lets him go (if they love you they'll return and all that...).

Ah! Sudden TET is Sudden!

Oh, that's where Ferrous Corp hangs out? Well. That explains a few things. Not good things, but.

Ooooohhh and Alt-GMGF has a scene with Mark Steyn? When was the last time these two actors were on set together? Ep 2 was it?

Oh and for a Coda/cliffhanger they go to check on Leather Daddy and find its a world full of dead bodies.


O right. Gun Guy gets weird vibes from Digital Dead Girl?  You know I love these two actors together, so what? You want objective commentary? FIne: They are great. Objectively.

So, last ep for now.

So, Emperor Ninja has the 'clansmen' of his would be assassin rounded up and subjected to star courts?  More on that in a second, but cunning reveal, somehow GMGF and Gun Guy are mixed up in the roundup?

I mean: clever reveal and all, but it makes no sense.  I know, I know, I've been withholding the OF COURSE!!! For this season, and this was a moment that called for it.  But my heart, she'sa not into it no more.

Anyway: Emperor-Ninja. Look: Emperor-Daddy was clearly not the brightest bulb when it came to Emperorship, which is why our Loner-Ninja-Badass was such a badass, and is not doing so well at rulership. Too much sword training, not enough leadership training.  Then you have the royal guards run by a psychotic bitch who doesn't follow orders, and you got New-Sensei-San, who perhaps was imprisoned for actually being not a military trainer of some sort.   So, Emperor-Ninja is attempting to implement Machiavelli's THe Prince, but he's not very good at it. On the one hand he has purely military pragmatism, divorced from any semblance of humanity or decency, and other hand he has the guy who is convinced that Emperor-Ninja should be loved.

What he's lacking is a ruthless, skilled pragmatist, a Left Hand, a Spymaster. Probably doesn't trust that sort, and sure... they're inherently untrustworthy... but oddly few Spymasters in history ever took over. Wonder why?  Well, aside from being tempermentally unsuitable to leadership, they also tend to avoid the spotlight, if only because it makes them better targets... so he actually had little to fear there.

See, he can't solve the problem of the assassin without a Left Hand, who is skilled at unravelling plots, and he can't keep doing the dirty work himself... the Left Hand also keeps the Emperor's Hand clean, if you will.

Its not his fault... I mean, the writers surely do hate him, but his advisors are shit, so his politics wind up being shit.  Ironically, Gun Guy, for all his faults, would be a decent (if not perfect) Left Hand. I mean... he's probably not the sharpest spymaster ever created, but his ability to cut through bullshit with ruthless pragmatism, and his general skill at dirty deeds would at least keep him in the running as acceptable.

And CLEARLY the Emperor-Ninja has at least one traitor in his midst, though whom is the question.

I think its his seat cushion, and my record speaks for itself.

What is it with people asking to prove themselves by kicking random ass? Or just asking to kick random ass? I mean: one character, or every now and again, but damn if this show doesn't bring all sorts of antisocial assholes with every third episode.

Right: So they're going to take the ship and free these people to join the outer colonies, and random sidekick chick feels the need to ask to beat GMGFs ass (well.... no comment) to prove she's capable. There. I told you, happy now?

You know... if i ever work in any sort of prison guarding capacity, ever, I'm just going to let prisoners fucking beat each other to death.  I may even record it and put it on the youtubes.  Just saying.

Oh... lookalikes? We have an Evil Twin episode?  I thought they were a little too eager to shoot the Ishida guards in teh face.  Still. Prison Guard. Prison Fights. Entertainment, not an excuse to get involved, ya feel me?  I'm sure ya feel me.

They call Superior Weir, to talk business, then we get teh entire Alt-Cru, except for Umlaut, they left that asshole in the other universe.

Great drama and all that, but really?

I mean think a bit on it.  One day a bunch of alt-universe Yous show up and generally find themselves uncomfortable in your world. They aren't any better than you, cooler than you, or richer than you... in fact you might even think they are a bit inferior to you, soft in the head or something.

What's your first thought? Hitch a ride back to their Alt-world so YOU can be the uncomfortable outsider?  

Sure. Sure.

Well, we got Alt-Blue-Moe, and I can stare at Alt-Incest-Twin's ass, so there's that.  

Nope. Still not seeing it.

But you knew it was going to happen. They got a guy named Wexler on their team, after all...

Anyway. New-Sensei-San. On some level I gotta wonder if he's just super ghey for Emperor-Ninja. Surely he's got sound advice to offer, but he's so interested in... ahem... serving Emperor Ninja (he did spend three years in a prison cell because his personal loyalty, yadda yadda... AND he was young Emperor-Ninja's teacher... if you know what I mean adn I think you do...).

Maybe he's just slightly stupid? Not enough to be obvious about it, but enough that... well... he's got nothing more than superficial platitudes and banal, often useless, observations?

you know which theory I'm going with.... oh, you know... you know you know.

Oh, please god tell me that the Mikkei Combine Guy is being deliberately incompetent when he yells at his men about getting them all killed, right after explaining that they don't want to know what is in the cargo.  

I mean: Superior Weir is, well, Superior. And tricky. Remember the prison escape she engineered, rather than expend political capital getting the Cru (complete with Umlaut) out of prison?

Anyway: That didn't take long as the Alt-Cru (minus you know who) apparently betrayed Superior Weir right out the gate, and despite KNOWING about hitchhiking Alt-Universe people, no one says boo.  Sigh. Oh, and Superior Weir is upset with the Raza now.  

So, Kid's Puppy sets up the Alt-Cru (Umlaut should have seen the trap coming), and in a strange scene he reveals that he hoped his alt-self was... a concert pianist.

No, this is good stuff.  What's weird is everyone else's reaction, scoffing at him.  Dafuq? Man had hopes and dreams of a life that didn't involve scams, lies, double deals and getting shot at... dreams of being an artist... and you scoff like he's doom to be a git in every life?

Harsh, man. Real harsh.  Uncalled for harsh.  Are we sure we have the right Raza?

So. Alt-Wexler, who is really the Only Wexler (and always was. I mean: How many Wexlers can a multiverse sustain? Don't answer that...) comes alone, expecting backup, and Monkette just pimp slaps him silly.  But the magic is when GMGF reveals that Kid's Puppy's Gun doesn't have any bullets in it.  Heartbreak, I tell ya.

Then... A Gun Guy gets shot by A GMGF, and I think we are supposed to be confused which is which. Still... stun gun, and Gun Guy was lookign alt-rough.

But, its early in the ep, so probably not a fake out.

Not a fake out, we get the regular GMGF walking through the woods, adn I still rather like Wexler.  Of course, I'd rather have the blonde, but whatevah.  I mean: whats not to like about a guy who looks up how the Alt-version of himself dies, and thinks its neat.

Moe-droid.  Heh.  Right on it like spit on a sidewalk.   Also: Alt-GMGF thinking Moe-droid has a glass jaw. Seriously?

Oooohhh... tricky. Captured Gun Guy is Alt-Gun Guy, while REAL Gun Guy is prisoner of Alt-Incest Twin on the Ishida Cruiser?

Epic twist yo.  I had warning, but I ignored it, and now my record for predictions is trashed... just like the rep of teh Raza.  So sad.  Moe sad, really, but its hard to feel anything with double dose Moe going on.

Double Twist! Alt-Gun Guy is falling for trapped bridge trick!  Oh, I see. Rather than baffle us with Who's On First, they're doing the 'how many knives can fit in your back' game. Got it.  Should be fun!

And The Kid shoots Alt-Gun Guy, with played cliche badass line.  

Perspective is weird, man. Suddenly it looks like the Raza is supermassive compared to the Ishida Cruiser.  Like Super-Star Destroyer vs Corellian Cruiser.  Fix ya damn camera angles, ya gits!

Alt Blue Moe, but really, that was to be expected.  Now, if she killed Alt-Incest Twin, well, that's probably unacceptable from a canon point of view, but stunned is cool. Me? Well, I've made my Alt Incest Twin feelings known before.  

Moe Vs Moe... OH MY!! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yicbvWwQ_MA)!

Then Superior Weir and REAL GMGF get to exchange Eyebrow lifts.

What? Kid's Puppy is leaving? And taking Monkette with him? Um.. ok?  I mean, its cool that The Kid gets a scene where she lets him go (if they love you they'll return and all that...).

Ah! Sudden TET is Sudden!

Oh, that's where Ferrous Corp hangs out? Well. That explains a few things. Not good things, but.

Ooooohhh and Alt-GMGF has a scene with Mark Steyn? When was the last time these two actors were on set together? Ep 2 was it?

Oh and for a Coda/cliffhanger they go to check on Leather Daddy and find its a world full of dead bodies.


O right. Gun Guy gets weird vibes from Digital Dead Girl?  You know I love these two actors together, so what? You want objective commentary? FIne: They are great. Objectively.

After a point I had to stop reading through, fun as it was.
Why?

The damn over over over over over over every damn sometimes several dammed post "cru(umulat)"
It went so far past old it ruined reading further.

Most of the jokes got old, I think.  Frankly I was thinking no one was going to get to the 'end', not even me.  

I mean, the Groundhog Day episode... what could I say? It was 'groundhog day... in space' for a couple hundred words... which is one reason I just went ahead and got caught up on the series and stopped posting.  We've seen most of these episodes, done better, in other shows.

Spike I want to ask you A question. How have you not poisoned your self on booze watching this??????????????????????????

Actually I did. But only because the Laphroaig was bad... I exchanged it....and the new bottle is bad too. Sad... I was going for some old school clan loyalty there..



Also I am immortal... So that helps

Quote from: Spike;981004Actually I did. But only because the Laphroaig was bad... I exchanged it....and the new bottle is bad too. Sad... I was going for some old school clan loyalty there..



Also I am immortal... So that helps

Immortal you say that would explain A lot;) :).

Dark Matter is dead, alas. (https://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/2017/09/01/september-1-2017-dark-matter-cancelled/)