I know, I know... you've all been breathlessly waiting Real Steel. Well, Too Bad!

So we have the aimlessly wandering map opening things up, before finally settling on a spot outside of Sacremento California, where we have a bunch of shuffling chinamen (to get all historical) working a mine of some sort.  Production values are somewhat shoddy, though costumes look well done. No idea what, exactly they are supposed to be digging though.

We know that the mine owners are bad guys because a white guy uses a blasting charge with only the most perfunctory of warnings (meaning, presumably, that some poor bastard in the hole gets blown to pieces), and to drive the point home a big chunk of rock is shown flying just inches past some ducking chinese worker's head, so its dangerous for them. Also: They all shuffle sort of lifelessly.

ANyway, the blast uncovers some golden dildo-globe (just imagine it and you'll have a good idea what it looks like), which the chinese guys go look at. Seriously, they could be zombies for all the expression on their faces. One guy pulls out one of the golden dildos, revealing a short blue lightsaber, which he randomly points at the nearest two dudes. It zaps them with lightning, and they remove their previously unseen shackles from their ankles.

Yes, it is as random as it sounds.  I'm sure that eventually it will make SOME sort of sense.


Cue really over the top 'stirring strings of mournful heroics' as we see the US Marshal Prisoner Transport Train, with a bunch of hooded guys with their arms shackled to a bar in the middle of the ceiling.   Some guy (a reporter) moves to the back of the last car to interview 'Brisco County, Marshall', who gives him a brush off, lights a pipe with a finger-flicked match and dismisses his gun as just a gun with pretty grips... which somehow I know will NOT be the case as the show moves forwards.

Cut to a guy with a palette and paint stains, while another rough seeming cowboy goes on about french impressionism.  It is almost funny, but the key to good humor is timing, and the timing here is off. I think... the problem is that it goes on just a few beats too long from incongrous to droll to... whatever.

ANyway, the 'reveal' is that the painter is painting a rock to look like the landscape, loony-tunes fashion. This is "john Bly's Gang'... John Bly (Billy Drago) being the captured badguy in the train.  The rock gag is somewhat surreal looking, an advantage I suppose of practical effects over well blended CGI/actual cartoons, but the train hitting it just looks sad. Like, instead of stopping the train in a spectacular impact, it blows through the cheap concrete... I mean rock... and stops because the plot demands that it stop.

Meanwhile, Brisco County has spotted that the reporter is missing his tie-pin, which "John BLy' has and is using to free his hands.  The bad guys use dynamite to blow out the vent stack on top of the train car and drop guns in.


What?

Did I miss a scene where the Marshall let the reporter wander aimlessly near the hooded and tightly bound prisoners so that one of them could steal a four inch long metal pin?  I know its a hollywood tradition to assume certain things just get to happen off screen, but really???

Also: I'm pretty sure the dynamite would have killed, or at least seriously fucked up, the Bly gang inside the car. BUt whatever.

ANyway, post impact, the Marshall (and only the Marshall, though he has a train full of goons) walks forwards through the random gunfire, opens the door and is shot by John Bly and his men. He falls, and our last shot is of his limp and lifeless hand holding his pretty gun. (it is pretty.)

Cut to the reporter, now in double arm casts, going on and on about the Five Robber Barons (what are they? A gang of some sort?) and how awesome it is that the man they've hired is a Harvard educated Lawyer, Brisco County, Jr.

Also: He's kind of a dick to his employee/co-workers of uncertain provision.

There is a disconnect here.  There is no indication that he is at all aware how idiotic it sounds that a harvard education, in law no less, makes a lick of sense when hunting down criminals in the wild west (currently lacking both time and place...)

But its time to cut to Brisco County, Jr. Himself, who is currently being lynched by some random mexican banditos for cheating at cards. Only... smacking his horse on the ass does nothing (comet, apparently, is very well trained)... which buys time for the random Senorita to come out of the upstairs revealing that she has found the missing Ace of Spades... in Carlos's pocket.

Er.

So, in addition to not actually taking place in time or space, but in a random pocket universe (self contained) where harvard trained lawyers are master gunfighters and trackers, the Five Robber Barons are either a street-gang or a boy-band, Zombie-Chinese slaves dig for golden orbs of lighting dildos and random criminals expound on the flaws of French Impressionism in mid-job, people who cheat at poker really just steal cards and keep them, long after the game is done.

Got it.

Anyway: THis causes the banditos to have a static, on horseback, six foot range gunfight (with BC,J in the very middle), with stray shots aimed at the random senorita and BC,J's noose. Once that gets shot he tells Comet to go ahead and walk away.  No one, apparently, is hurt.

Cue the Five-Robber-Barons, who unlike the Seven Evil Ex's actually do hang out together, and apparently are neither a boy band nor a street-gang, but five old dudes who like whiskey and cigars. We are introduced to a Rainn Wilson looking motherfucker who goes by Socrates Jones, who is apparently their flunky.  The Five Robber Barons also, apparently, believe that Harvard teaches master classes on kicking ass, and they are wondering where Brisco County Jr is.  In walks the random Butler dude.

As we all know, Brisco County Jr is actually just Ash from Evil Dead, slumming it, so in walks Ash, still wearing his hat and gloves, dusting himself off, and followed by Comet (who, apparently, doesn't know he's a horse. Ah. Almost a funny gag.).

Anyway, Ash makes bones about mistaking Socrates Jones for Aristotle Jones, among others, and how he failed out of harvard and assorted other 'i'm a directionless drifter, ambling across the plains' crap, and when the FRB gang decide they've made a bad choice, he waxes lyrical about 'the Coming Thing' he's looking for, at least giving us the year this is all set in (1893). No, that doesn't impress them, so he goes on about how Harvard did, in fact, teach him to be a bad ass, and how its his destiny to catch John Bly, not because his father was killed by him, no, but just because.

It is, on the face of it, utterly stupid for a speech. The mournful strings of sad heroics continue to play throughout, so the 5FB does, in fact, buy it. Also, we learn what each of the 5RB actually does (this one has mines, this one cows, that one trains...and the leader controls the banks... which controls everything else.).

Anyway: The 5RB go on to sent their Flunky (Socrates Jones) and Ash to Flunky's office to sign an employment contract (which seems a little anachronistic, or at least genre inappropriate...). Cut to Ash washing his face in a bowl full of dark brown water while Flunky tells him that the 5RB doesn't like their name, while Ash tells him where the towels are (who's office is this?)

The Flunky goes on and on about HR crap (keep your reciepts, I'm not your flunky I'm your boss, etc), Ash gives him snark back (do you memorize these little speeches?) and so forth, and then we finally get the first ever mention (aside from names) of the relationship between Ash and the dead marshal from the train when Flunky points to a saddle and say 'These are your father's things'.

Ash goes over and ignores the saddle, takes the hat and poncho(??) off of a box, opening a random collection of junk, with the Pretty Pistol on top, which he immideatly takes out and puts on. Oddly, the cartridge belt, which is full of bullets (naturally) has one odd ball bullet in it, probably a 44 magnum, that stands out for being an inch longer than any other bullet in the belt.  Just... there. Like, why?  Its not a blink and you'll miss it, either. You can see it constantly over the next several seconds of footage (all while the stirring strings of new-found heroics play loudly in the background), while he straps on, then does the whole gun twirling thing.  Just... there. Long. Out of place.

So, Ash basically trashes the entire rest of the stuff, without actually going through any of it, and he and Flunky exchange very clunky dialog about how dangerous being a marshall is/was.   I am not dazzled.

So, to cut the bad dialog, Ash randomly notices that there is a note under the door in the worst way possible (did you drop something? No wait, this is for me... hey, cue end of scene, I'm going to go to this random restaraunt on the note! Also, even though it was just now delivered, apparently we're already late!)

At the restaraunt the dialog continues to thud along.  Brisco and Flunky meander on about the future of cable cars (and motorized cable-less cars) while Flunky talks about the 'lawyer's nightmare of liability'... which I can't actually imagine was meant as an ironic send up of lawyers but is honestly as bad as it sounds.  But who sent the note? Oh, this random angry black guy, a cross between Tony Todd and Mr T, who happens to be Lord Bowler (who've we been hearing about previously), who is pissed off because... there is only room in the entire wild west for one guy who tracks down criminals, apparently, and now that Brisco County is dead, he thought that meant he'd get his shot.

Dear god, how did this show make it through the first episode, much less a twenty+ episode run?

Anyway: Lord Bowler lays down a challenge (which no one accepts, by the way), slapping down a stack of dynamite, lighting a fuse and declaring that the last man at the table keeps the job. Meanwhile the Stirring Brass of Oncoming Danger gets louder and louder while Lord Bowler snarls some pop-psychology and Ash orders lunch, taking his sweet time.  

Cue Commercial Interruption!!!!

Ok, so Lord Bowler obviously chickens out first, and chops the fuse off with a big knife. WHy? Because it looks slightly more cheesy than just pulling it out? I dunno. ANyway, Ash tells him he lost, so Lord Bowler tosses the table aside violently and attacks!  There is some punching and dodging, no real exchange of blows, Ash knocks Bowler out with a single hit, the waiter brings the steak just so we can get the punny exchange 'Flunk: Well Done!', waiter: No, Medium Rare.

Then the cops arrive to throw Ash in jail.

Wait?

I thought the Fab Five Robber Barons ran this town, and Ash works for them to capture a notorious criminal?  WHat the fudge packer? Also another punny joke about eating at the bar, or behind bars...

And, back to random mine of golden dildo balls.  One of the Fab Five is discussing with some random government dude about who owns a random object dug out of the ground.  Apparently the government owns all random stuff dug out of the ground (seriously, I guess someone should have told the 'forty-niners' that... back when this would have been contemporary fiction. Seriously, this is the most randomly fucked up sequence of events ever committed to Television, at least since Cop Rock.)

So the Gubmint guys take the orb (Though the Fav Five guy closes the tent behind them on himself. Foreshadowing or just more random shit?), and a brick joke about unearthed foriegn objects is lobbed through the screen. Ow! My eye!

Oh My Fucking God! We actually are going to use Ash's famous harvard law school for something!!!!  So the judge has a gag where he gives everyone sixty days hard labor. Ash motions the court, requests a jury trial and teh case is dismissed so the judge (who has no time for lawyers) won't have to deal with it! ahahaha! Of course, meanwhile Lord Bowler seperates himself from Ash, so he gets the sixty days after all!  Somehow I doubt that's the end of Lord Bowler. Sadly.

Also: FabFive? The fuck?  Your personal minion faces sixty days in jail! Do something, ya tards!

Anyway: Cue some shifty dude on horseback bringing message about some government gold shipment to Drago. The sentry takes him into a pirate cave (seriously), where they are discussing a gold-train robbery (the same train they are being told about by teh shifty dude?), which degenerates into a strangely prescient internet forum war about the relative ground speed of trains (as moving banks).  Seriously, I got chills.

Anyway, must like a flame-war it only degenerates into random taunting until Drago interrupts to claim no more bank or train robberies (Um.. ok), and wax philosophical and demagogical about his grand plans, and an unspoken threat to shoot his minion for playing devil's advocate.

Oh, so the shifty dude has the secret schedule (also: the plan involves knockout gas and, apparently, the open secret that trains of the day had dead-man switches so knockout gas will actually stop the train.  WHen did they start doing that? Do the guys who filmed Unstoppable know this?  Someone help me out here!).

No, no he's actually just here to tell the gang that 'The Tycoons' (what happened to the Fab Five?) hired Brisco County... jr. Drago is the only person who apparently thinks Jr is here to get revenge (not even Ash seems to think that so far), and also to randomly send the messenger to his death. Well. That was a waste.

"Hey, useful minion who brought me vaguely important news, as thanks I'm going to kill you now."

"Um. thanks boss. AIIEEEEEE!!!!"

"Um, Boss, the other minions and I, well, we've thought it over and... well... fuck you, sir. We quit!"

Seriously. The fuck?

Anyway: Drago tells his number one minion to kill brisco in frisco (ah! Place! We have a time AND a Place, at last!!! Too bad nothing matches up at all), using the 'Scarred Foot Clan', who we also learn hates the Bly Gang. And... Scene!

So, we get a scene with FLunky and Ash, apparently in the latter's hotel room, where we learn that Flunky is upset about the 'day and a half' in jail Ash lost on his investigation, we get another Comet joke (thankfully without the actual horse), and room-service (I didn't order chinese!), when Fight Happens!

Man, the Bly Gang works quickly! Er, also, Ash takes the clue from the crappy journalist's reporting on where the scenery painter came from, but that will have to wait, we've got kung-fu happening!

So, random fight stuff: Nobody attacks Flunky (who stands there by the window the whole fight), the lights in the hotel are apparently electric (obviously zappy sounds when broken), which isn't probably plot relevant and makes me want to research exactly when electric lighting hit San Francisco for no good reason at all, and Ash gets to see the scarred foot, for slow people I guess.  The last 'Scarred Foot' kicks Ash and Flunky out the window at the end of the fight.

Only: Ash is hanging onto the random ledge (with flunky hanging onto his feet), only there is a cart full of sharp farm implements randomly below them!

Seriously? Is this part of the magic assassination plan or just really shitting writing? Is being part of the magic assassination plan better or worse than just shitty writing?  Anyway, we get stompy feet, dodgy fingers action (of course).  Ash asks for his gun, but Flunky can't hand it up (and coincidentally doesn't actually look like he's hanging on to anything when they do the closeups), and he can't shoot for unspecified reasons, so Ash figures just put me out of my misery (you and me both, guy, you and me both. Dear god, I thought I liked this show?)

Ooh! Commerical Break!

AH, random fat cart owner shows up to move his cart, so shitty writing it is!

Oh, timing! There is a second cart (did people do this? Have one cart hooked to a second cart like a train?) filled with hay for them to fall into. Oh, look, the chinese ninja guy gave an oh, rats! snap of the fingers!

Cut to the hay cart, where FLunky is apparently bitching that Ash got attacked by assassins. I hate it when they do this on TV, the random complaining about shit that just happened as if it were somehow the fault of the person being complained too.  Its a vast disconnect between events and dialog that everyone else seems to buy as commonplace.

So, despite the obvious clue giving scene with the 'scarred foot', Ash apparently grabbed a tong medallion off one of teh assassins (he does use the word Tong), so he sends Flunky to do the boring research into scenery painters while he goes to china town with the medallion in tow. Random clue bat drops on him in the process. Just kidding.

Anyway: Cue Ash in some random chinese shop where no one is visible, but the bell has a sign that reads 'ring once only'. Instead of some gag where he rings multiple times, he rings it once and some random chinese dude (teenager?) pops up like a jack in the box.  Information is free, but buy something so you won't feel guilts, twenty bucks for a snuff box*, I'll need a receipt, great more work for me. WHew.

I like the chinese dude. Maybe its the big, insincere, grin but I hope he sticks around.

*Seriously, I get that people in 1990 or so wouldn't think 2 bucks was a lot of money, but I think they'd understand inflation.  Apparently Ash lugs around the equivalent of hundreds of dollars in his wallet and shells it out at the drop of a hat before even finding out if its worth his effort.  

Anyway: while the kid is making his receipt, Ash pulls out the medallion, and in some of the finest acting seen to date in this show, the kid's attitude shifts. Serious Bidness is afoot!  The kid runs through the now typical gag sequence about being closed (open sign turns to shut sign, yadda yadda), Ash opens the door with his knife, but the kid is gone! He steps BEHIND the counter and rings the bell twice... triggering a trap door that drops him  (BEHIND THE COUNTER!!!) into some sort of pit.

Its not all bad, the trap door apparently leads to the secret entrance to the Scarred Foot hidden base. We see dudes training Kung Fu on a bed of hot coals, the kid showing the medallion to some old guy, lots of shouting in chinese without subtitles (damnit!)...  then the old guy starts slapping around some random dude who I can only assume is one of the assassins.  Ash looks over at some random smiling chinese kid (like... ten or something) and gives him the shush finger before turning back to his smiling, and the kid knocks him out with a dinner plate.  Yup. More random stuff.

Ash wakes up by the coals with the shopkeeper holding a long knife to his face, and the old guy turns out to be LO PAN!!!! Obviously before he became a ghost!  We learn that the Scarred Foot believes Ash was sent by "Big Smith" (Drago's lieutenant, which I would have reported earlier if I'd realized how important his name would be), and that the Scarred Foot exists only to fight the tyranny of Big Smith. Uh. Ok?

Anyway: Ash tries to do that whole 'we're on the same side thing', but Lo Pan don't play that homey! The only reason they haven't killed him already is so one of his warriors can train against him in the hot-coal pit!  Um. Ok? I mean, its not a bad rationale for what happens next, but I still question the idea of fighting while standing on hot coals as a modus operandi.

Anyway: WHile the shopkeeper tries to push the barefoot Ash onto the hot coals (facing the dude you've seen a thousand times as a nameless goon... mostly because he works as a stunt-fight coordinator in hollywood... at least I think its that guy) Lo Pan looks at the Pretty Pistol and realizes! Hey, Ash is one of the Good Guys!

So, Lo Pan asks him where he got the gun, and stupidly Ash ask 'who wants to know'. Lo pan introduces himself as Li Pao for some reason (like we buy that, Lo Pan...), and ash replies (as if that meant anythign to him) 'I'm my father's son'... which doesn't really answer the question.  That, however, apparently works, since Lo Pan knows he is therefor Junior.

In the next scene (during tea) Lo Pan reveals that he dabbles in scrimshaw when people do him favors, and he expects Ash to get revenge. Ash explicitly rejects this as a theme for his future autobiography, in favor of 'completing his work'.  Seriously: is there something WRONG with familial revenge stories?  The hits keep coming as Ash grills Lo Pan for information on Big Smith (he is the first tentacle of John Bly's empire... so why then are the Scarred Foot training to fight Big Smith? WHy aren't they training to fight John Bly? Seriously!), and that Big Smith runs the chinese slave labor, but can't be found since he's somewhere in the vast mountains.

I'ma find the dialog scripter and punch him a few times.

Anyway: Lo Pan tosses off the story that opened this shitpile of a show, using a bunch of word salad to talk about the golden dildo ball without actually revealing anything at all except that the four workers escaped Big Smith (I thought the Fab Five guy ran the railroad?! The fuck?).

Now, apparently the zombie-chinese guys aren't actually a clue, so Ash needs another one and Lo Pan tells him about Dixie Cupps (or something) the Hooker with a Heart of Gold we will probably meet in the very next scene, who lives "somewhere in this town, I think" (direct quote), who dates Big Smith.  Excuse me while I pick my eyes up off hte floor. I may have rolled them a little too hard.

Despite having explicitly rejected any familial motivations, Lo Pan sends Ash on his way with "The Spirit of your Father Guides You"....  Damnit, there went my eyes again!

Drat, our next scene is Flunky telling Ash about the missing back-drop painter, Ash buying two top shelf whiskeys (I assume one for Flunky...money is obviously no object here), and Flunky pointing out how lame it is that Ash knows that Big Smith has a girlfriend who is Probably somewhere in town. I actually give Flunky the points on this conversation.

So, right after Flunky goes on about how Dixie Cousins (I'm keepign with Cupps...) won't fall into Ash's lap, who gets announced as the next show at the club? WHy if you guessed Dixie Cupps you... really grasp just how cliched this show is with its humor.

Anyway: WHile Dixie herself seems reasonably cute, the burlesque song and dance is incredibly... timid, but Flunky is smitten. Meanwhile the second girl from our chapter three title card (also something I didn't mention, the 'commerical breaks' are chapters) is by the bar getting hit on. She swings for the asshole and hits Ash, then knees the actual dude in the groin, and when Ash asks hwere she learned to hit she replies 'Catholic School', to which he replies something like 'of course'... because in a world where Harvard teaches western style bad-assery, so does catholic school, naturally enough.

Anyway: cut to onstage where Dixie Cupps is drapping her boa on a dude that looks like the Gubmint guy from earlier... hmm... and some old guy (Dad, says the catholic schoolgirl/cowboy) who looks familiar and acts like a low rent Doc Brown (back to the future) complains about leaving the really weak-tea Lilly von Schtupp's act with Catholic Cowboy Daughter.

Ash seems to somehow grasp that the random duo were a clue, or important or something, as Dixie Cupps finishes her song (which seems to be legally themed. SOmething about filing claims. Seriously: were the showrunners lawyers? That might explain the writing, barely)

Anyway: So cue Ash and Flunky (sidekick? WHy IS he in almost every scene?) are spying on Dixie from outside the club now, in some sort of stairwell. She walks up in her streetclothes (which includes, very oddly, a dress that is actually just really wide legged pants. Maybe she's got a horse to ride later in the scene?) and a suitcase.  She stands on the street until Dr Moriarty's carriage pulls up and the Professor of Crime hands her a sealed note which she tucks in her bosum as the carraige pulls off without her. What is Moriarty doing here? Isn't he supposed to be dealing with Holmes in London about now?  Odd.  Anyway, they follow her to another carraiage where she gets on board (and we hear 'All Aboard'. Seriously) so Ash steals a random sleeping would-be passenger's ticket and suitcase while Flunky gives him grief for larceny.

So, we next see Flunky bringing a red apple to Comet (instead of the green he was instructed to bring) and being rejected, then Lord Bowler pretends to be Mr Ed to interrogate Flunky, then presumably steals comet to follow Ash.

Then back to the carraige, where Ash is staring at immodestly covered bosums (for the punny humor about reaching the mountains....). Anyway: Ash introduces himself as Roscoe Merriweather, dodges a comment about sleeping alone, and we learn that the suitcase is a sample case containing really fancy brushes... also slightly odd ones, that he claims are for grooming lions.  We then learn that Dixie is headed for 'trouble', and her boyfriend. The whole bit between them is well acted, but bizzarre as hell, the tone is all over the place.  I'm assuming the actress was told to vamp it up, and she does, in spades, so that makes me wonder about Ash playing it straight.  Every line she utters from first to last is dripping with the sex appeal that was missing from her song and dance routine.

Cut to random outlaws waiting. THe art critic outlaw is singing a highly interpretive version of 'she'll be coming round the mountain'... and no, it is not pleasant... I suppose its meant to be funny. Its not.

Back to our carrage drivers, who are so drunk that they laugh at 'Pickle' until they fall off the cart. Cue danger! Horns of Danger play loudly! Dixie falls in Ash's lap! Ash manages to extricate himself long enough (and ONLY long enough) to poke his head out to see whats up, and Dixie goes (along with the audience) 'Oye', and rolls her eyes at the pointlessness of the scene. I like her.

Also: Horses.

Did you know, for example, that horses are living creatures and fully capable of not doing things like running randomly into trees or off cliffs?  THis may come as a surprise to modern audiences who are used to much less intelligent machines, like cars and stuff. So, when a vehicle pulled by horses suddenly finds itself driverless, there is a pretty good chance it will slow down and eventually just stop long before it becomes a horrible risk to everyone else!

I know, I know. Crazy isn't it?

Also: Commercial Break!

So, still in the runaway carrage. Dixie asks what are they going to do, and Ash immedeatly goes into a long winded description of over the top heroics (Oh My, says dixie) before revealing the alternate plan is to push them both out (and down a sudden hill...), which is probably the first comedic gag that worked on this show, if only because I personally was expecting Dixie to call him on his bullshit with a much easier plan, so the jumping gag caught me off guard.

They roll, and unchivalrously, Ash lands on top of her, but that's ok, because she pretty much drops right back into vamp mode.

Only, random gang of outlaws? Yeah, they are at the bottom of the hill, led by Big Smith himself.

Um.

Why?  What logical reason do we have for the outlaws to be waiting at the bottom of the hill for Dixie Cupps? DId they know that the Drivers ALWAYS get drunk at this point in the route, ALWAYS fall off the cart, and the Horses ALWAYS unreasonably panic, and thus the passengers ALWAYS jump out on the left hand side?  Is this how DIxie USUALLY meets her boyfriend up in the mountains?

Somebody help me out here!!! Throw me a line, brah!

Anyway, guns pointing at him, Ash struggles to get off (haha!) of Dixie, but oh noes, her dress is caught in his fly! Really? She'll get it for him (no, no thank you, seeing as your boyfriend is right there with a gun pointed at me...)

Well, awkward moment aside, Big Smith isn't all that put out by the situation (so, it DOES happen every time she comes up), and she hands over the sealed letter from Moriarty.  Only, they'll kill Ash anyway, because she called him Big Smith (she also introduces the singing art critic by name... pete something or other, but everyone else is just 'some of the gang'.)... so despite the fact he pretty much owns the railroad slave labor and is a major player, Ash has got to die for knowing his name? Er... m'kay? Turns out our art-critic is also a fan of existentialism and gun safety.

Also: Dixie refers to ash as 'someone calling himself roscoe mayweather', and later as 'somebody'.  Apparently he does, in fact, have that PC glow.

Anyway, taking over before he can find out what Dixie means by 'Somebody' (and I have the feeling it won't matter), Ash steps up and reveals that he is secretly... Wiley Stafford.  

To his surprise (it seems) one of the random Gang recognizes the name (but not the face) as Crazy Kansas Wiley Stafford who once shot five men in a bar.

The Other Some Gang guy asks 'Where you from, Kansas?" and when Ash doesn't answer, Art-Critic Pete demands and answer at Gunpoint. So, Ash reveals that he's from... Kansas. Ah...

Also: If Dixie doesn't make it to episode 2, there is no reason to watch this show. Even Ash's Chin can't save this shite.

Having accidentally infiltrated the Bly gang, they bring him to their secret hideout. No, not the pirate cave, but some thriving criminal town known as Sutter Creek. Gorsh, it sure is hard to find these outlaws, what with their having their own town an' all!

So, Big Smith likes Kansas(ash), so they go drinking, where we learn that Big Smith has a three thousand dollar price on his head (as in, his hatband is made of real money worth 3k. The hits keep on rolling...)

The conversation rapidly moves to Brisco County Jr, but Ash plays dumb. Big Smith reveals that he shot the father personally as the dark strings of immanent revenge play in the background. This, of course, despite the fact that Ash has massively downplayed the entire revenge angle every time someone has even remotely mentioned it (and once when they didn't).

So, Ash heads to the general store where we get another subtle lawyer joke (he sends a telegram to San Fran in latin, and can tell when the operator misspells a word), but runs into the Catholic Schoolgirl Cowboy! Oh Noes!

Before they can get anywhere with the meet-cute, the rest of the gang walks in wondering what, exactly, Ash is doing. No word on the telegraph (which, you know, they freely allow to operate), and he's busy making googly eyes at the CSC, so their suspicion seems a bit... off.  Too bad Faux Doc Brown drops some stovepipes on their heads by accident, and cluelessly seems unaware that these bad men plan to shoot him because, you know, bad men.  Pete makes some comments about his own draw speed, but Ash just takes his gun away (and everyone goes on and on about pete's piece...).

We get the vastly irrelevant inappropriate history from Pete as he calls out Ash for touching 'Pete's Piece'. (something about shy boy with big ears who only wants to be liked, forgot to wear pants to school... ugh. Gonna rip that memory out like a small picture out of a schoolbook....)

Anyway, the whole town comes out to watch the shootout and make book. Since we need more punny humor Ash points out that pride goes before a fall, and Pete responds 'So does an ounce of lead in the brainpan'... which aside from the fact that he'd need a buffalo rifle to hit a full ounce of lead (.45-70 Gov't does the trick nicely, but you only see revolvers like that in Fallout new vegas and in russian youtube videos, where the gun is almost bigger than the guy shooting it), its actually... not bad.

Anyway, we get a long ass staredown after that (with time for Dixie to do another bit of vamping on behalf of Ash), which shows that Pete's showdowns involve three nameless gangsters pulling their guns secretly on the sidelines to shoot down Ash. Which.Um. what?

Anyway, Ash is visibly surrounded by men with guns for a bizzare take on the high noon shootout and Commercial!

The staredown continues. Everyone involved gets a close-up 'determined spit'... which takes a tried and true western trope and just makes it gross. Then, not surprisingly, Ash drops to the ground, letting the bad-guys shoot themselves (something that was obvious the moment the last nameless outlaw completed the circle...).

Big is upset that he just lost his four best men (Pete, and scratchy and... those other two. yes, that is the dialog we've aimed for, apparently).

So, Faux Doc Brown walks up with the CGC in tow and asks questions about vector calculations, but Dixie comes up to vamp. Despite the fact that she's undoubtedly been here before, FDB, a huge fan, seems utterly shocked to see her here and asks if she's putting on a show (yes, but only in private, she meows while rubbing on Ashley. Huzzah!), while the CGC does the girl-pout thing and flounces off in a huff, allowing Big Smith (who seems utterly oblivious about Dixie's vamping on Ash) to make an obligatory catestrati quip regarding the CGC's attitude towards outlaws, then he wanders off (for the second or third time in this scene alone!) so Dixie can vamp a bit more.

Cue scene in what must be Dixie's hotel room. Jokes about Louis the XIV's bed (i think Louis was the eigth or nineth, but a woman never counts... then what are those notches on the bedpost? Seriously.). I should mention that her outfit is about eight degrees hotter than her song-and-dance outfit, followed by Big smith big puns dialog. Ash thinks she's trying to take over the gang, but she's aiming higher, see?

We get two back to back shots of the plot-relevant Pretty Pistol as he interrogates her as to Big Smith's plan and she keeps ramping up the heat. Seriously, this actress should give lessons on vamping to wanna be starlets!

At last Ash goes for the gold, the close ups of the plot relevant Pretty Pistol are meaningless as he sneaks out in the night, leaving the well vamped Dixie asleep with a smile as he goes to search for Big Smith (who is, apparently, big)

He proceeds to put his ear to a railroad track and hears hammering. If I have to tell you what he says next you haven't been paying attention here. He mounts up the random horse of moving the plot along and rides into the night...

And into what appears to be an abandoned mining camp, but he climbs a wall and sees chinese-zombies working on the railroad while Big Smith shouts expository lines for the truly dense like "This has got to be done tonight". Then someone snores loudly, yup, while spying for the second time he has accidentally stumbled onto someone from the opposing camp just in time to be caught (snoring guy wakes up and shoot before Ash can move, but, of course, misses. Ash rides off, unrecognized as the outlaws yell stuff).

Ash rides and rides, and eventually winds up where the CGC is... umm... shovelling hay? by lamplight. He leaps off, says 'play along' and kisses her so the chasing outlaws won't suspect him?

Anyway: once the outlaws leave FDB walks up (CGC says nothing at all about the kissing, apparently stunned by how awsome Harvard Law Grads can kiss... Yes, this is right after he left Dixie's Bed. Shhh... its a secret).  FDB, naturally, doesn't notice or care about his daughter's kissing habits, but leads Ash into the nearby barn where there is a stainless steel steampunk rocket (Steampunk because bubbling blue steaming fluid alchemical containers are NOT part of normal rocket design).  Ash, naturally, knows what a rocket is on sight, despite the fact that they haven't been properly invented yet (on this scale), and won't be for another fifty years.  Also, he calls it the Coming Thing (referencing his only scene with the Fab Five).

Anyway, this rocket is propelled by 'Nitrocellulous" (also called Gunpowder... shhhhh....), and is the fourth attempt (fourth time is the charm, sayeth FDB), and Ash says that one day rockets will chart the stars.

You know, I could forgive ALL of that if he did something like dropped Jules Verne or HG Wells or something at any point. Nope, he's just a anachronistic nazi rocket scientist, which might explain why he is so uninterested in getting revenge...

Anyway, FDB invites him to dinner, he can't since there is a train robbery in the morning, CGC gets snippy since he's an outlaw, he says nay, fair maiden, I'm off to Stop the Train Robbery, FDB still thinks he can make dinner with all this nonsense about train robberies, CGC slowly figures out he must not be an outlaw, and he at last reveals he is a nazi rocket sceintist from fifty years in the future... er... I mean, Brisco County Jr.

She then makes the long overdue geographical joke about his name.

Cue Dixie walking downstairs in the hotel and vamping up to Ash at the bar (I'm an early.... Riser, sayeth he. Groan).  Oops, here comes Big Smith, with Lord Bowler as his prisoner. Lord Bowler won't point out Ash, so Big Smith brings in Comet.

Excuse me while I pick my eyes up off the floor again. Since Big Smith has NO IDEA what 'Brisco County Jr' looks like, how on earth (and don't even suggest Lord Bowler) would he know that Comet is smart enough to understand the question? How does he even know Comet's name. (okay, Lord Bowler COULD give him that one...).

Big Smith, it seems, has a green apple to bribe Comet with (how, exactly, does he know about the green apple thing? Is Flunky a traitor? Seems odd...)

Comet picks out Ash, no problem while Big Smith eats the apple.  Nobody really does anything at all...

and wipe pan to Big Smith gloating about the train, since he's tied up his two prisoners to the tracks to get run over (um... wouldn't that cause the conductor to stop and check out the bodies? Also, this is a two car steam train, so stopping a few hundred feet before running over the boys seems trivially easy).

So they have a long scene to trying to convince comet to bite through the ropes to free them, along with pointless bickering.

And cue Commercial!!!

Sort of a waste of a wipe, innit?

So Comet hooves through a random rope, freeing Ash (duh), who the barely rescues Lord Bowler, then leaves the bound lord bowler on the side of the tracks before riding the wrong direction 'to catch a train'. We all know he's headed for the rocket.

I do want to point out, however, that the outlaws are only a minute or so ahead of the train themselves. Just sayin'.

So our next scene is ash putting a saddle on the rocket (with FDB's help), as its mounted to the railroad tracks on a little rail-car.  I'm gonna point out that whomever FDB actually is, he gets all the best non-sequitor lines. He's getting better as the episode rolls on. (What's your plan?  Well, I'm either gonna catch a train or be in denver for lunch. Try the omelet, I hear its great!)

Also: Apparently Lord Bowler was played, in fact, by Sho'nuff himself, who sadly died about four years ago.  Thank you, wikipedia.

Anyway: The train runs through the tunnel on schedule, but no deadman switch (HAH! Take that Unstoppable! wait....), so the bad guys ride up on horseback to catch it.  Not seeing any spur so far, making all that sidebar stuff about diverting the train sort of... pointless.   Ash's rocket catches up to the train when he at last realizes that there is no brakes. Then, just before impact it runs out of fuel (and he realizes, no fuel). THe hits keep on coming.

Since it is, in fact, a western, he naturally lassos the train, so there is that. Only, he climbs the rope instead of just... I dunno... pulling the rocket cart closer?  

Anyway: The bad guys find the car full of gold, one guy walks through the car full of sleeping soldiers and sits down next to a not-sleeping Ash, who knocks him out.

Of course that beggars a bunch of questions (since Ash climbed up on the last car, and the bandit walked in from the back of the car, how did Ash get there before him to pretend to be a sleeping soldier?).

Also: Now that the rocket has played itself out, this is the third or fourth time Ash has had to confront the entire gang. Every other time he's just let them have their way with him or run away, so why is it different now, exactly? The tactical situation is essentially unchanged, heck, lacking even a tied up Lord Bowler and a friendly horse, its arguably worse this time.

Meanwhile, in the Gold Car, the bandits find the box labled 'UFO'. Remember that bad joke? Yeah, its back.

Now, a big part of Ash's plan and/or reasoning somehow is that Bly would be part of the robbery. Only... we haven't seen him, which makes little sense.  Anyway, as the bandits oogle the golden dildo ball, Ash ropes two of them then brains Big Smith with a gold brick, to no effect.

Um what? I know gold is teh 'soft' metal, but seriously. Twenty or thirty pounds of it, in brick form, across the back of the head in a two handed hammer smash will fucking kill your ass, soft or not.  

Anyway: Since they are fighting in a train car, they have to fight over an open door, and it has to be over a previously unseen tressle bridge.

So, Big Smith points a gun at Ash (who, apparently, will not shoot anyone for unspoken reasons), who blocks it with the dildo ball, then knocks Big Smith out of the train into the river with the dildo-ball (buh-bye dildo ball. I suspect you'll be back in future episodes).  Now Ash has too many brakes to stop the train with, and no more track.

Commercial!

Having run through a danger sign, he now runs through an end of track sign, and pulls a brake, but the train just keeps going, coming to stop at last (off the tracks) at a cliff edge, because, you know, hollywood.

Meaning, that in all practical purposes, he has had no effect on the robbery of the train. The car full of gold is presumably at the end of a secret spur where the rest of the bandits (led by Bly) want it to be. His pulling the brakes was too late to have a practical effect on stopping the train, but he relaxes with a smile anyway. Also: Did not catch Bly at all.

Cut to the river, with Big Smith's floating money-hat. Then the dildo-ball surfaces (floating).  

Also: Apparently show creator Carlton Cuse (and teh actor playing Flunky) both went to Harvard, which might explain the stupidity of the whole harvard/lawyer thing going on.  Also, apparently R. Lee Ermy was in this episode, but I haven't seen him and Wiki doesn't mention him at all.

Anyway: Ash breaks in on the Fab Five guy who owns the railroads and accuses him of working with Bly.  It turns out that Fab Five guy was Moriarty! It also turns out (for no reason whatsoever) that Ash realizes that the golden dildo-ball was some sort of special artifact called 'The Orb'. (I mean, Lo Pan clued him in that it was magical, but that was it), and that Moriarty wanted it.

Y'know? Instead of the bad humor they could have managed to squeeze a bit more of this into the story so far. I mean... for Ash, not for the audience (we, unfortunately, got it).

Remember the foreshadowing at the tent? Turns out Fab Five gave himself super-strength from the golden dildo ball, so not all bad. Anyway, they fight, with the old dude whupping Ash handily for a while. I noticed the zombie-makeup just in time, a couple of hits before Ash did, and the power of the dildo ball burns up Fab-Five-Guy, and he turns to sand and blows away.

The next scene has Flunky giving us unsupported exposition about 'The Orb' (it gave the coolies (used by fab-five guy) freedom but took FFG's life. Unsupported: It gave the chinese guys strength, and they ran away, apparently never to be seen again. It gave Thurogood (his name) strength but eventually killed him. In short, the observed effects of the orb are identical in both cases so far. Great strength followed by possibly burn out a few days later).

Anyway, Flunky reveals his new, relaxed persona as Ash rides off to see...Dad's Grave!  Ash says something about having twelve more to go, presumably talking about the thirteen prisoners from the original train-jacking.

So, with one last Comet gag, the pilot ends. I checked the opening and closing credits, and sure as shit, R Lee Ermy is somewhere in this thing, but not the closing credits!  

To be honest, this thin was 90 minutes long and it didn't have to be. A LOT of what went wrong with it could be chalked up to gags running too long, or sloppy, generous editing.  Five minutes could have been pulled just with the carraige sequence alone, and while Pete was funny, his various bits together probably equal another five to ten, depending on how you cut them.  The lead up to the obligatory but otherwise pointless gun-fight is five minutes alone.



Secondly: While one advantage of doing a sort of fantasy-history is the ability to make shit up, the corresponding disadvantage is you actually have to work a bit harder than usual to make the world come alive.  No one does that work here, so a lot of what happens is disconnected, illogical or just plain WTF?!.  Bruce Campbell it a little too perfect for this role, a less self-referential, less comedic actor might have helped ground the show, instead he magnifies just how silly it is.   Here's hoping that, like many pilots, the show only improves from here.

Spoilers! That's somewhere after next Christmas on my watch list.

Well, I'm guessing you don't want to hear about the next three episodes then.... do ya, punk!

So, six episodes in before I see him fire a single shot. He doesn't shot the outlaws, but the gate holding in horses so the horses can run down the outlaws.

This show, apparently, was cited back in the day for over the top violence.

Well, counting dynamite, I suppose there is the fact that Brisco will happily blow a man up, but seems curiously reluctant to shoot him. Its a cleaner death, you know.

I loved this show as a kid.  What was this?  1993?  1994?  I was 13 or 14.  Let me tell you, this was very cool in it's day.  

This was a show the whole family watched, so I'm not sure about the violence thing.  We did live in Missouri though.  And it WAS canceled for some reason, I just don't remember it being about violence.

I think it was because it was a western.  I've been experimenting with the genre, and Brisco stands out for many reasons among other examples of the television western.  Honestly, it's just not that popular, even if you throw in life restoring / time travelling lightining dildos for the newly burgeoning X-files crowd, which came out around the same time.

It was super campy.  Yet the lameness was welcome, if you ever watched more "serious" westerns from back when they made those.  Netflix has "Have Gun, Will Travel" which is held up as a shining example of the television western.  Perhaps you should entertain yourself with that or with one of the other numerous shows out there, such as Gun Smoke, Bonanza or even Little House on the Prairie.  Seriously.

Also, it was common in the antebellum era to carry a rifle bullet in your bandolier, even if you don't carry a rifle.  During the Civil War, .50 caliber pistols were carried by the cavalry.  The fact he has a large round is a subtle indicator that Brisco has traditional survival  OR military-equivalent field experience.  Some older firearms can actually fire those, and you never know when you'll need a different round.

Quote from: Blackhand;557810It was super campy.  Yet the lameness was welcome, if you ever watched more "serious" westerns from back when they made those.  Netflix has "Have Gun, Will Travel" which is held up as a shining example of the television western.  Perhaps you should entertain yourself with that or with one of the other numerous shows out there, such as Gun Smoke, Bonanza or even Little House on the Prairie.  Seriously.

I level very little criticism at the show for including fantastical elements, so fuck you Blackhand. I really tear into it at its worst for really sloppy writing, utterly divorced from time or place or even logic. Narrative flow is a joke.

I'm happy your 13 year old self enjoyed it.  I thought I had watched it back in the day, but as it turns out, the show I'm remembering must have come out a few years earlier (in 93 I was living in a different house and began a decade long divorce from television watching...).

And seriously: THe golden Dildo-Ball is just stupid on 18 different levels, not least of which is that it winds up contradicting the 'progressive' nature of the show. Brisco is always looking for the Coming Thing, but the Orb isn't science (or even, apparently, Magic), its just 'Faith'. Its the sloppiest sort of plot McGuffin, and lets face it, it looks completely stupid.

QuoteAlso, it was common in the antebellum era to carry a rifle bullet in your bandolier, even if you don't carry a rifle.  During the Civil War, .50 caliber pistols were carried by the cavalry.  The fact he has a large round is a subtle indicator that Brisco has traditional survival  OR military-equivalent field experience.  Some older firearms can actually fire those, and you never know when you'll need a different round.

I've never heard that before. I suppose it could speak to Brisco Sr (its his gunbelt after all), but we know Brisco Jr's life pretty well.

Unrelated: R Lee Ermy was Brisco Senior. I sort of vaguely suspected it, but I seriously couldn't recognize him.

Having watched about half the episodes now I've got a pretty good feel on where the show runs off the rails.

Now, Blackhand (at least) comments on the show's general popularity, but it did, in fact get cancelled after one season, so obviously it wasn't popular enough.

A big part of it is, I do think, the inconsistancy, which is related to the comedic aims of the show.  It wants to be funny and misses being entertaining.  Don't get me wrong, it is funny, and frequently... but all to frequently the jokes overwhelm the rest of it.

I could compare Brisco to Blazing Saddles (another humorous western with anachronistic elements), but frankly none of us has the time or energy.  The key point, to me, is that Blazing Saddles manages to pin down the details and Brisco never does.  At some point it is hard to care because shit just wanders around aimlessly with almost no attempt at continuity.  Worse, the show actually demeans the intelligence of the viewer by assuming, lazily, that they know nothing about history.  I'm not talking about the more fantastical elements like gunpowder rockets or tanks and motorcycles appearing twenty years early (which, unlike the rocket, is at least lampshaded).. I'm talking about things running the other direction, like denim, which magically shows up as a new invention in one episide, a good 50 or more years after it appeared in real life.  (Jeans were 'invented' by Levi Strauss in 1853. Denim was a french fabric (de Nimes) that was made even earlier, but wasn't used for jeans until 1873, twenty years earlier than the show), or the utterly nonsense history of Mexico as presented...

Which goes to my second, and more important criticism: The show has a 'message' that it's pushing.  Remember what I said about how Brisco never shoots his gun?  It was blazingly obvious in the pilot, and it only gets worse from there. Brisco constantly pulls his gun, but he's so lazy about pointing it that it is painfully obvious that he never intends to pull the trigger.  He constantly refuses any pay at all for his various deeds, which tends to beggar the question how he intends to pay for his hotel room?

At one point he's trying to save a man from a lynch mob. He has his gun out, he follows them helplessly, yelling, to no avail. His good buddy, from Harvard, is going to hang while all he can manage to do is struggle feebly against the mob.  It takes an entirely unrelated character firing a gun into the air to actually stop the lynching long enough to talk the crowd down.  The show does this constantly, outsourcing the messy realities of life (like, you know, shouting down lynch mobs...) to other characters, so Brisco can remain some sort of saintly hero. Only, that doesn't make him a hero, it makes him a soft headed sap incapable of accomplishing anything.

Which, you know, would be fine if they presented him as a dumb sap with his head in the clouds, but no: Brisco is a Big Damn Hero, who everyone knows and either fears or respects, depending upon which side of the law they fall on.

The Message presented by such a hero is ill formed at best.  Look forward (but don't actually create anything or use any of the Coming Things to do something worthwhile), drift aimlessly and hope someone who is less perfect than you keeps you from ruining people's lives until a miraculous sequence of events allows you to save the day.  (for example: in our lynching episode, which revolves around a rough and ready legal trial, he proves the murder because a cattle stampede caused him to rescue the suicide victims accomplice when she happened to be carrying her payoff from the 'victims' lawyer...yes, stranger cases happen in law shows all the time, but usually with some solid investigative work leading up to that point...).

In short there is some muddled headed idealism (the refusal of money, the entirely pointless gun-waving, and a dozen more minor examples) utterly decoupled from any sort of practicality that almost renders the show impossible but for the silly provision that he can outsource the messy realities to other characters.  

And ultimately, that ruins the show.  The show claims, and the audience wants, Brisco to be a big damn hero, a hard charging cowboy bounty hunter. But its a lie, and ultimately that is what keeps the show from growing beyond the people who enjoy the quips or the smouldering looks Kelly Rowland throws Bruce Campbell for seven episodes out of twenty seven.

Ultimately this goes back to my long standing thesis: Any given premise can work if you keep the writing tight and grounded. Cause and effect are important, even in humor and fantasy, maybe even moreso.  Don't show me a hapless buffoon and tell me he's a hero, i won't buy it no matter how many impossible scrapes he gets through.

(also, and irrelevant: Brisco's kind of a Cad. I do think there is some mary-suism going on here (written by harvard guy about a harvard guy who is the ultimate cowboy, and every hot chick he meets wants to kiss him. Hmm.... while the audience may not realize its mary-suism, its a clear weakness in writing good characters).

It actually doesn't surprise me to find that the show creator is also involved in Lost, another show that pretended to know what it was doing but ultimately proved to be a well dressed lie.