What with my new career and baby on the way, I have been too focused on mundanities of late, with not enough dice and cheetos. I decided to remedy this on this long weekend, and sent out invitations to gamers for a good old dungeon-bash. The call was answered by Emil, Aron, Damo and Jules. We played from noon to 10pm, and the dungeon was completed. Honour and fear were heaped upon their names, and in time they became kings by their own hands - but that is another story.

The players arrived at noon sharp, or in Emil's case, noon blunt, or an hour after. Moments later pizza arrived, and thus Emil declared his timing perfect. Damo explained that he had bid for some AD&D1e books on ebay intending to pick them up on the way to the game session, but alas he had not won the auction. Jules brought his dusty old books, and as well a box of figurines from 1980, unpainted. I felt ashamed of my laptop, it just didn't fit in, I used it only for music. Everyone brought copious amounts of snacks. Damo expressed surprise at the brutality of the rules system, especially since his first two characters were stillborn: he rolled Constitution 5 for them, and since at CON5 or lower the character can only be an illusionist, but he had of course not rolled INT15+ and DEX16+, he could be no character at all.

As DM, I explained to Damo in a patronising voice, "This is rollplaying, not roleplaying." And so the right mood was set for the Assault on the Azure Keep.


Assault on the Azure Keep

Part the first - "You look like a worthy adventurer, why don't you join us?"

The party came together in a tavern in the Barony of Pfaffenberg. four adventurers had heard that the Baron was seeking stout hearts to clear an old keep of the Barony.

These four worthies once at the tavern introduced themselves. They were Jeffrey the Prestidigitator [Emil], a good young man in robes who introduced himself as "the High Adventurer!" with an eagle called Barney upon his shoulder, and who kept saying "You look like a worthy adventurer, why don't you join us?" As well, a somewhat anarchist half-elf Veteran known as Yo-Yo [Aron], so-called because he had tried to introduce bungee jumping to Fighter Academy, and had unfortunately landed on his head, reducing his once-great intelligence and sturdy constitution; it looked as though he was so sickly he could now be carried off by a large housecat.

Not to be forgotten were Guildor the elven rogue [Damo] of impartial disposition, and Ricard Bitchslap the dwarven acolyte [Jules] worshipping unknown but baleful gods "somewhere between the diabolic and the demonic."

Trying to live up to the repute of his people, Bitchslap the dwarf knocked back no less than two short a score of pints of mead, and was violently sick upon his scale mail several times, each time declaring that only another pint could clear the bad taste from his mouth. Passing the evening in this wise, the four eventually staggered to their straw beds.

In the morn the four went to see the Baron, who was behind a mere wooden stockade, with a run-down old keep and manor house within. Seeing the single guard on duty, the four wondered if the keep they had to clear was as lightly-held as this one, or indeed if this one had any treasure worth the taking. Shortly they were invited in to join Pfaffenberg at his breakfast of porridge.

Pfaffenberg proved to be younger than they imagined for a Baron.

   "A short time ago my father - may the gods keep him in his grave - passed away, leaving the Barony close on penniless. He was forever remitting taxes and tithes and at the same time increasing spending on alms for the poor, who naturally wasted it all on gambling and drink. I intend to rebuild the Barony. One part neglected were our defences - a dozen years ago, the Azure Keep to the north of here, not properly manned, was overrun by orcs, who have since taken up residence there and accost passing merchants and travellers. This cannot stand, their crimson flag must fall. Get thee to the Azure Keep, you four, and clear the orcs from it. There must be much treasure from a dozen years of banditry, if you drive off the orcs, half will be yours."

"Why don't you go and lay siege to the keep?"
"I have but four men-at-arms. I could levy more men from among the peasantry, but a siege would be long and expensive in money and lives. I have not money, and wish not to lose lives. What open force cannot, bold stealth may achieve."

The adventurers did not recoil from this honour, but certainly attempted to bargain a greater share, while openly talking among themselves about cheating the Baron and simply not giving an accurate account of the treasures found. In the end they accepted his offer.

Each hired a bearer. Jeffrey the Prestidigator took Frank the Bearer for his assistant, Yo-Yo the Veteran took Eckle with his mule, Guilder the rogue found Arthur "he'll grow up into somebody someday, mark my words," and finally Bitchslap took Thomas.

The eight and their mule gathered in the town common the following day and were wished well by the Baron and many townsmen. They set off along the road and into the forest, and mid-morn came upon an old trail heading to the northwest. While on the road, Jeffrey's eagle Barney was revealed to be a fying monkey "he can look like an eagle when he wants to."

Moving along the trail, before noon they saw ahead a crimson flag flying, dark brown-red, as though stained with real blood. Guildor the rogue was sent to scout ahead.

Guildor snuck up and saw two orcs by an ramshackle pile of timber they probably called their home, or perhaps a guardhouse. This watched the trail out of the forest, and up the road towards the stony hill upon which sat Azure Keep, also defiled with the crimson flag. Determining that the other seven and their mule could not catch these two orcs unawares as could he, Guildor strung his bow, and quickly put two shafts into the neck of one orc. The second looked up, startled, and turned to flee. Guildor let fly another six arrows, and three struck the fleeing orc in the back, but he ran on. Drawing his blade Guildor pursued the orc at speed, when the orc tripped on a rock and fell he thrust at him, struck stone with his blade, and the orc's countering blow with spear ran Guildor through.

Back down the trail, the party sat eating lunch unawares. After the pass of a glass they made their way up the trail, finding the slain orc and their friend Guildor, stripped naked and with his throat cut. Arthur stepped forward to bury his master of a brief period, and revealed himself as Arthur the rogue, though human, a man of close nature to Guildor [ie Damo's second character].

Expecting that the alarm would be up, the party approached the keep from the rockier side of the hills, making their way slowly through the stones. The dwarf Ricard assured them that orcs could see but poorly in the daytime, and thus open daylight were the best time to catch them sleepy and unawares. They moved about quietly and examined the stones beneath the keep, hoping to find another entrance - and so they did, a natural crevice in the rocks.

An orc upon the battlements seemed to spot them, squinting in their general direction. They waited a time until he lost interest, and then made their way to the crevice. They left Yo-Yo's man Eckle with his mule behind among the rocks, reasoning that taking a mule into a dungeon, while appealing, seemed impractical.

The crevice was indeed a passageway into the rocks, the natural erosion of the stone allowing a narrow squeeze for the broader party members. At the fore strode Arthur the rogue, torch in one hand and blade in the other. Before him he found dense cobwebs blocking the way, which he burned, delighting especially when he found a nest of eggs to snap, crackle and pop. Above him a large hairy leg crept from the roof, and several dark eyes glinted in the light of the burning web. Great mandibles dripping with black ichor snapped at him, but he ducked at the last moment.

Yo-yo stepped forth with his blade, slashing at the foul beast, knocking off a leg - and with a single snap of its mandibles, the spider snapped off his head, which bounced on the stone floor as his stumpy body spurted blood, stumbled about for a moment, then collapsed. Arthur too slashed madly at it, stunning it with a blow to its head, but a swipe from the spider turned his face black with poison, and he too fell.

Jeffrey flung his darts at the creature, and one penetrated one of its eyes, and it fell heavily to the floor, twisting and curling up its legs.

As the party fell to weeping at the fall of their comrades Yo-Yo and Arthur - but not for too long - they heard a cry from above, and looking up, saw that the spider had had its own lunch ready, a half-orc veteran named Rosh [ie Damo's THIRD character] was coccooned in a web. From behind them the party heard a voice, "I'll cut him down." It was Eckles the muler, who was it emerged a rogue in his spare time [ie Aron's second character], and who thought it unwise to sit around in the rocky hills waiting for an orc patrol to come and get him.

"Who are you?" Ricard asked of Rosh.
"I am an adventurer, come to loot the keep of these orcs."
"But you are an orc."
"Only half. Well, one-tenth on my mother's side."
"Who was the man who slept with a woman orc?"
"This is all very interesting," said Jeffrey, "but really, Rosh, you look like a worthy adventurer, why don't you join us?"
"I will," he said, and it was done.

With the dead properly honoured and looted, the party ventured further into the Azure Keep.

*** End Part I ***

Hehe. Where Damo gets a crash course in actual role playing, and rolls three different characters henceforth.

awesome session, kyle!  thanks for the post!

At least Bitchslap the dwarf survived.

Oh, it's not over yet, I have to write up the rest