I'm creating a role-playing game called "Primum Nocere: First, Do Harm" and I have just written the premise/backstory for the game.  I'm a new designer and I'd really appreciate it if some more seasoned designers could take a look at it and tell me what you think, i.e. is it novel?, does it sound interesting to you?, what parts (if any) do you like or not like?, is the writing too clunky?, how might you improve things?, or anything else you might want to address.

The premise can be found at my blog HERE and if you could leave any comments there, I would be thankful...

Sincerely,
Tony Brown

It's not entirely original, but that might not be a bad thing. I can say I'm mildly interested. It's not a bad idea at all IMO

First impression - my group would play in a setting like this. I'd probably keep the time period of the 50's, since a) modern horror is kinda overdone IMO and b) that gives you the chance for all kinds of cold-war espionage goings-on along with the fight against the infected. I imagine all the major super-powers would be involved in a) eradicating the threat on their own soil and b) perfecting it for use against everyone else.

Now of course, if it really is some kind of supernatural entity thing, then they'd probably be trying to control/turn/recruit them for their own use as well.

So, yeah - keep it in the 50's.

It looks like a fun setting to me. My only suggestion, is the writing looks fine but seems more like the style I want to encounter on the interior of the book. I realize this is just an overview, but you might want to make the language a little more active, and simple. Just for the overview here. What you have looks fine to me, if it is the backstory I am reading a few pages into the book. Maybe I just have a short attention span, but I like the premise summed up real quick initially so I know what I am dealing with.

Thanks Sigmund, Werekoala, and BedrockBrendan for reading and responding to the premise of my RPG---you are the first three people to do so and I really appreciate it.  


Sigmund - I had started looking at a bunch of RPGs a while back and quickly reached the conclusion that there are so many that it's nearly impossible to do something totally original.  Hopefully, mine will have enough new stuff to set it apart (and make it better ) than others.

Werekoala - thanks for the vote of confidence in the 50s--I see a lot of opportunity there as well and frankly I'm looking forward to learning more about the decade myself.

BedrockBrendan - I agree with you, maybe backstory is a better word than premise for what I have.  Perhaps I will add a menu item to my blog that sums up the premise of the game in a few sentences.

I would play in this setting though I doubt I would buy any materials unless the system was very intriguing.

Setting in the 50's gives lots of room for cold war stuff which is good IMO. Check out 'Cold City'.

I concur with the other posts.

Good luck with the design!

skofflox - thank you for your thoughts.  I'm hard at work on the system right now and I'm hoping that you (and many others:) ) will find it novel and "very intriguing".

So the elevator pitch is "armed doctors vs. postwar dieselpunk alt-historical zombie apocalypse"?

Yeah, it could work.

Quote from: The Butcher;411392So the elevator pitch is "armed doctors vs. postwar dieselpunk alt-historical zombie apocalypse"?

Yeah, it could work.

I haven't even clicked on the link and The Butcher sold me on it.

It's an interesting idea. I would suggest that you play up the medical apsects of the game - how many games involve battles with diseases? I mean actually battle them, with machetes and flamethrowers?

Maybe the afflictions themselves are hostile organisms that take over the host - lifeforms that doctors can fight more effectively with their killer scientific knowledge.

"Blanket the area with jarmen gas - they don't like it. They pop out of the nostrils like a horde of green snakes, 'cept these ones can turn you into a squidman with a bad temper and an ink squirt that strips skin to the bone. You wanna fight acid-flinging squidmen or green snakes? Right, fire the gas."

Quote from: The Butcher;411392So the elevator pitch is "armed doctors vs. postwar dieselpunk alt-historical zombie apocalypse"?

Yeah, it could work.

There ya go. I'm sold

I didn't read anyone's replies so my response wouldn't be biased.

First off, keep the history you wrote up. Not everyone has heard about the Nazi occult stuff so much to be sick of it. It isn't exactly the Angels and Demons.

Secondly, make sure that the soldier / doctors, with the source of their training and the source of their AUTHORITY to do what they do, makes sense. It can't come out of thin air. If you are doing an alt history thing, you need a plausible train of events that lead to them. Are they another alphabet soup agency (FBI NSB CIA ATF), are they military, or do private companies have permission to arm their people to collect these things? Or has the world gone to lawless shit?

Anyway, good stuff, fucking cool.

Quote from: One Horse Town;411465It's an interesting idea. I would suggest that you play up the medical apsects of the game - how many games involve battles with diseases? I mean actually battle them, with machetes and flamethrowers?

Maybe the afflictions themselves are hostile organisms that take over the host - lifeforms that doctors can fight more effectively with their killer scientific knowledge.

"Blanket the area with jarmen gas - they don't like it. They pop out of the nostrils like a horde of green snakes, 'cept these ones can turn you into a squidman with a bad temper and an ink squirt that strips skin to the bone. You wanna fight acid-flinging squidmen or green snakes? Right, fire the gas."

Mmm... pulpy!

The idea of a 50's feel is good, as the 50's was a time of fear and paranoia, and of great social change and upheaval.

A possible idea along the lines of "they saved hitler's brain" would be that some of the nazi elite escaped and are still active, working to create this sort of thing.

Another possible angle: The reds captured some nazis at the end of ww2 are are now using their work to destabilize the west. Are there any reports of this in the communist block? Are those reports real or false?

Lots of potential here, but try to distance yourself from the zombie mold as much as possible, it's been done damn near (no pun intended) to death.

Also, a reff to the "dead cold war" or something like that might help evoke the spirit of the cold war days.

I would definately play in this setting.  If the rules are right as well, then your golden.  

If you don't mind me asking, with so many good generic systems out there like Strands of Fate, Savage Worlds, Genre Division etc.. what was your reasoning behind creating your own ruleset?  Does your ruleset do anything that can't be done with any exisiting rules?  

I'm only asking because you could concentrate on the setting then and have access to an already existing customer base who know the rules.  A lot of publishers are doing this like Atomic Press with The Day After Ragnarok which has been released for multiple systems.